Criminal charges? An improbable car accident? An unrepentant laptop? A lever marked, “Never Pull This?!” All this and more in this hilarious episode! Check it out!
This episode brings a smile to my face! My face and the smile hadn’t previously been introduced, but they hit it off right away and you can tell they’ll end up being great friends.
One of the reasons I like this episode so much is the general backwardness of the story. By the time the episode starts, you get the distinct impression that events have already occurred. But what events? And in what order? Will we ever know?
Luckily, when you are talking about the madness that surrounds Linus and Snuffy, you just don’t have to know. You just don’t have to consider the details. After all, they certainly don’t. And we’ve all decided that that’s alright.
On another note, Mike is a character. I was planning on saying more about him, but really, that’s all there is to say.
Thanks so much for listening, guys! You make my day.
“My word, that smells like burning.”
Snufflefungus: Echofly, Echofly, come quick!
Echofly: Snufflefungus? I’m working here, what’s going on?
Snufflefungus: It’s an emergency! Somebody’s hurt!
Echofly: What? Call an ambulance! What do you expect me to do about it?
Snufflefungus: (Disappointed.) But– But Malex said you have healing powers! We’re depending on you!
Echofly: (Internally conflicted.) Oh… Alright, I’ll see what I can do… But don’t expect much! Malex is just crazy.
Snufflefungus: Quick! To the junk yard!
~~ Scene change.
Malex: We’ve almost got you, buddy! Just two more cars to move!
Mike: (Groaning.) Take your time, I’m only fading fast over here.
Mara: Hey, watch out with that crane! We’re trying to save Mike, not crush him worse!
Linus: Are you sure, Mara? Think what an opportunity this is!
Malex: Shut up, Linus. You’re the one that got us into this mess in the first place, don’t think I’ve forgotten about that.
Mike: Hey, I don’t think I’m supposed to be able to scratch my right elbow with my right hand, am I?
Mara: No. No, that’s gross. Stop that.
Mike: But it’s itchy!
Snufflefungus: I’m back! And I brought Echofly!
Echofly: What in the world has happened here?! Who is that, and why is he under a pile of crushed cars?
Malex: Thank goodness you’re here, Echofly! You’ve gotta help him!
Mike: Yeah, help me! Wow, she’s pretty. You can help me all you like, lady!
Linus: Why can’t I get away with saying things like that?
Mara: Okay, that’s the last one that was pinning him down. Help me move him!
Echofly: Don’t they say never to do that if there’s a risk of spinal injury?
Mara: No, it’s okay. We’re pretty sure Mike doesn’t have a nervous system.
Mike: It’s true! Some people have double-joints, I have no spine!
Echofly: That sounds improbable, but I’m no doctor, so whatever.
Mike: Wait! If you’re not a doctor, how are you going to help me?
Mara: (Catty.) Great question!
Echofly: (Frustrated.) I don’t know!
Malex: Come on! Just do the thing! Remember? You did it before!
Echofly: (Grumbles.) I’ll give it a try, but you’re the one that’s going to look like an idiot when nothing happens.
Malex: I’ll take that chance. Go for it!
Mike: (Screams.) Ow! Your hands are cold!
Echofly: Shut up and take it like a man.
Linus: A broken, wheezing shell of a man.
Malex: (Hushes Linus.)
Echofly: Okay, here goes…
~~ Healing sound.
Mara: What in the–
Malex: See! I knew you could help!
Mike: Lady, I don’t know what that was, but even my chronic ulcers feel like they’re gone!
Echofly: I’m as surprised as you… I just closed my eyes and there you go.
Malex: My theory is that it’s an inherent trait you carry. Some gift you must have been born with.
Echofly: Right. So what were you doing that got this poor man trapped under a pile of cars?!
Mike: Oh, that was my fault. I pulled the “Never Pull This” lever on Mister Cubes here. I meant to pull the ‘Stop’ lever, but they’re right next to each other.
Snufflefungus: We needed Malex’s wallet from the car–
Linus: –but it was going into the crusher.
Snufflefungus: So Mike saved the day!
Malex: Yup, we rushed here to the junk yard for my wallet and ran into Mike.
Snufflefungus: We didn’t know he works here now!
Malex: Anyway, here’s my wallet now. Thanks a million, Mike. Sorry for the inconvenience!
Mike: Inconvenience? (Laughs.) No inconvenience. I just, you know, got horrifically maimed by a car crusher vomiting a few dozen tons of debris onto my frail body. No big deal.
Echofly: Hold on, hold on… Mike got crushed here trying to save your wallet?
Malex: Oh– Uh, yes. See, uh…
Mara: They’re going to press charges against Malex unless he pays all the damages by 5PM! Also, I’m hanging around waiting for him to pay me back for bailing him out earlier.
Linus: Yeah, that was pretty funny.
Malex: Don’t remind me. Anyway, now that I have my wallet I can hopefully pay these massive debts.
Echofly: So you were in jail? This story just keeps getting better and better.
Mike: Tell me about it! I’m captivated now!
Mara: See, Linus and Snufflefungus called me to come bail Malex out.
Snufflefungus: We couldn’t do it ourselves, because Ohioville doesn’t legally recognize us as people! And also because we didn’t have any money!
Linus: More’s the pity.
Mara: So I bailed him out, and I expect to be repaid!
Malex: I’m sure you do.
Echofly: So how did you get arrested?
Malex: Well, I showed up at the police station, but then I realized that my wallet was missing.
Echofly: Usually that’s not a crime.
Malex: Yes, but the police chief… He recognized me from my driver’s license picture and arrested me as soon as he saw me.
Echofly: What? Why were you meeting the police chief?
Malex: Well that’s the thing. I wouldn’t have been meeting with the police chief, but nobody at the front desk could help me because I’d lost my wallet and I didn’t have my ID. So… I must admit I made quite a scene.
Mara: You? A scene? Who would have guessed?
Echofly: But why were you there in the first place?
Malex: Oh, didn’t I tell you? I was there to pick up Linus and Snufflefungus.
Snufflefungus: We were in jail too!
Linus: Yeah, yeah. They thought they could hold me.
Snufflefungus: But… Linus, they were holding you.
Linus: That’s why they thought so!
Malex: Anyway, yes. Snuffy called from the police station, so I came right away. I left in a rush, so I assumed I had left my wallet at the office.
Linus: Little did he know that we had it!
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) Yeah! We borrowed the wallet! (Sad.) I’m sorry for borrowing your wallet without permission, Malex!
Malex: It’s okay, Snuffy. I know you don’t know any better.
Linus: (Defensive.) I’m sorry too!
Malex: You hush!
Echofly: I’m still not sure I understand how your wallet got into a car crusher or why there are criminal charges pending.
Snufflefungus: We accidentally forgot the wallet in the car!
Malex: That would be the car they wrapped around a daycare when they took it for a test drive. Er, they were test driving the car, not the daycare.
Mike: You guys shouldn’t be trying to knock down buildings with these sports cars! They’re fast, but they’re not very big. You want a cement truck for something like that.
Linus: I’ll make a mental note. Thanks!
Mara: I don’t think I knew this part of the story. Linus and Snuffy took a sports car for a test drive?
Mara: And why?
Malex: They took my wallet and used my ID to borrow the car from the dealer. Apparently Snufflefungus and I look confusingly alike.
Linus: I didn’t think in a million years that it would work, but they took it and gave us the car!
Malex: Then, of course, when the car was destroyed the dealer turned my ID over to the police.
Echofly: That explains a lot.
Mara: But why borrow an expensive sports car in the first place?
Snufflefungus: Malex had his car at the office, and we needed to drive across town to save a shipment of orphaned teddy bears at the docks!
Snufflefungus: The orphaned teddy bears! They were being shipped on a slow boat to North Korea! Linus and I had to save them!
Malex: Of course. Linus told you all about them, didn’t he?
Linus: (Nervous.) Can you blame me for liking fast cars?
Malex: No, but I already have enough to blame you for without blaming you for liking fast cars.
Echofly: Well, you guys are all idiots. And this idiot circus probably just cost me my job.
Mara: (Catty.) Aw, that’s too bad.
Echofly: I still hate you. I think it’s something about your face.
Mike: You’re not leaving are you, pretty lady?! Can I have your number?
Mara: I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Malex: Well everybody, I guess we’re out of time. Thanks for listening to this episode, and we all hope you join us again next week for another Malex Minute!
Linus: You’d better go pay your bills, it’s nearly 4PM.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley & Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with guest appearances by Susie Markley as Mara and by Rebecca Stout as Echofly.
Post-processing director: Susie Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Amy H.
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.