Malex is a terminally-boring person. Until his birthday rolls around that is. Then, all bets are off as he drags Linus and Snufflefungus along to find new heights of boredom. Oh yeah, and Mara…
Hot jumping lard bubbles, it’s my birthday!
Yes, historically, we have caused Malex’s birthday to coincide with my birthday. It just seems logical, since Malex actually functioned as my public persona for many years.
However, as you recall, Mara’s birthday was last week. (This would not happen to coincide with my little sister’s birthday at all.) Two birthdays back-to-back? Recipe for emotional trauma? Not at all!*
I just love, honestly, the vast array of opportunities to neglect Mara in writing her character. She is so sweet and nice, and she loves Snufflefungus so much, that she is certainly a tad overly vulnerable. Of course, her telepathy probably doesn’t help.
But let’s be honest: Who here has never forgotten anybody? You sir, are you honestly claiming to have never forgotten anybody’s name, favorite color, severe peanut allergy…? No, I thought not. We’ve all done it.
So what I’m claiming here, and I think we can all agree, is that Mara is that sort of person. She’s not precisely forgettable, but she does lend herself well to being forgotten.
And therein lies the comedy gold, me hearties. Arr. Enough gold for a lifetime, just past this next island! At least, that’s what I keep telling myself to get me out of bed.
But today is different! Today is my birthday! So there really will be gold! I think I’ll get up early.
“What do you mean, ‘grue?’ I don’t have time for your babbling! Don’t you see there’s a dark tunnel to be explored?!”
* - Absolutely a recipe for emotional trauma.
~~ Night traffic sounds.
Malex: Well, wasn’t that invigorating?!
Linus: No, Malex! No it was not!
Malex: Oh come on Linus, you have to admit that was captivating!
Linus: No I don’t! Even Snufflefungus agrees with me!
Malex: Was the movie boring, Snufflefungus?
Snufflefungus: I don’t know; I was asleep through most of it!
Malex: Well balderdash.
Linus: Malex, only you would want to go to an art house theater to watch a documentary on documentaries for your birthday.
Malex: Hey! You guys are the ones that insisted we had to go out.
Snufflefungus: But this isn’t what we meant!
Linus: You’re just no fun until you’ve been filled with energy drinks.
Malex: Yeah, yeah. Because you’re so exciting.
Linus: I am! I’m a handsome, dashing young laptop with a whole life of adventure ahead of me!
Malex: So that would be why you locked yourself in a room crying for a week because your favorite video rental store went out of business.
Linus: But it’s all better now, because I discovered online rentals! Now I can stop paying attention and start watching a movie whenever you start talking!
Malex: You’re such a great friend.
Snufflefungus: So now we go eat food?! My round little Snufflefungus body is hungry!
Malex: Yes! Onward, to the pizza parlor!
Linus: Mara is meeting us there, right?
Snufflefungus: Yes! She couldn’t come to the movie for some reason, so she had to meet us at the pizza place!
Linus: There’s the pizza place, right there in front of us!
Malex: Linus, we– We already know that. That’s why we’re walking toward it.
Snufflefungus: But Malex, if Linus doesn’t say obvious things, how else will the audience know what’s going on?! They can’t see the pizza place!
Malex: But… That’s absurd!
Linus: (Sports announcer voice.) And Malex furrows his brow in an elaborate attempt to appear deep in thought!
Linus: (Sports announcer voice.) The crowd’s not buying it! Malex starts jumping around and waving his arms to regain the respect he once knew!
Malex: That– That isn’t happening.
Snufflefungus: Malex, is Linus lying again?
Linus: (Sports announcer voice.) Malex changes tactics again! Now he’s railing against authority! Issuing frothy-mouthed denials!
Malex: Okay, what about this? (Sings a jaunty tune.)
Linus: (Sports announcer voice.) Oh my! Ladies and Gentlemen, I can’t believe my eyes! The horror! Malex has performed his infamous happy dance!
Snufflefungus: It wasn’t that bad…
Linus: (Sports announcer voice.) You heard me right, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the happy dance that Congress is legislating against even as we speak! Under no circumstances should your children be allowed to witness this atrocity, as their psychological development will grind to a screeching and irreversible halt!
~~ Door opens.
Mara: Are you guys going to come into the pizza place? Or are you just gonna stand there bumbling around like idiots for another ten minutes?
~~ Malex and friends go into the restaurant.
Linus: I was on such a roll, too!
Malex: That was pretty impressive.
Mara: So, how’s your house?
Malex: Oh, you mean since it was demolished last week?
Malex: It was a complete loss.
Snufflefungus: So we built a new one!
Mara: (Mildly unsurprised.) Already?
Linus: We took the opportunity to build an extra room for my ego.
Malex: He’s not kidding. It’s a big ego.
Mara: But how did you rebuild so fast?
Malex: Snufflefungus is a pretty fast builder.
Snufflefungus: I can move things with my mind!
Mara: Well yeah, I know that. I guess it just surprises me how useful that skill is.
Linus: When you don’t have arms or legs, telekinesis comes in handy every minute.
Snufflefungus: But Linus, you’re a laptop! You don’t have telekinesis!
Linus: (Sobs.) I know!
Mara: So did you guys enjoy your documentary?
Snufflefungus: It wasn’t very colorful.
Linus: No kidding. We need to do something else fun to make this birthday celebration count!
Mara: Oh really? Birthday celebration, you say?
Snufflefungus: Oh yes! Birthdays are neat!
Linus: Yes, we’re here to celebrate! Let’s not lose sight of that!
Snufflefungus: Let us raise our napkins in a toast! To a very special person and a great friend!
~~ Linus and Snuffy together.
Linus: To Malex!
Snufflefungus: To Malex!
Malex: Thanks guys.
Mara: What?! Malex?
Linus: Uh, yeah. It’s Malex’s birthday we’re celebrating here. Didn’t you get the memo?
Malex: Linus, please.
Mara: (Offended.) No, I didn’t get the memo!
Snufflefungus: But Mara, I said in my email! “Dear Mara, we would like you to join us for a night of pizza and happiness as a birthday celebration.”
Mara: Well, yeah, but… I didn’t know about Malex’s birthday, I thought you were talking about my birthday!
Malex: Is it your birthday Mara?
Mara: Well, it was last week. I thought…
Malex: I’m really sorry Mara, none of us knew–
Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) I remembered your birthday Mara! I baked you a cake! And then it got destroyed with the house. And then I forgot about it. (Sadly.) Sorry…
Linus: I don’t know what you’re all weepy about, Mara. There was plenty of excitement on your birthday!
Snufflefungus: We gave super powers to an idiot! And then he demolished Malex’s house! And then we decided to carry Malex to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe! And then we got lost on the bad end of town. And then we–
Linus: The point is, Mara, there was plenty of excitement. So your whiny self really doesn’t have any room to complain.
Linus: Malex, on the other hand, is so terminally boring, even when we go out we accidentally watch the one movie that has ever won an award for being boring! There’s only one solution! I’m going to set some cars on fire! That’s the only way to save the evening!
Malex: I think you’ve said enough; Mara is quietly sobbing to herself.
Snufflefungus: There there, Mara! We’ll celebrate your birthday too! Don’t listen to Linus, he’ll only break your heart!
Linus: But–! But–! I don’t get it! All I did was explain why Mara should have enjoyed her birthday! Why am I suddenly the bad guy here?!
Mara: (Angry.) You’re horrible!
Linus: My good looks make up for it though, right?
Mara: (Furious.) Where’s that laptop battery compartment?!
Linus: Help! Malex! She’s too strong! (Wails, suddenly cut short.)
Mara: There. Pizza, anyone?
Malex: Well, there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. Another horrifying entry into the Malex Minute canon! Please join us again next week for another sad tale.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Susie Markley as Mara.
Post-processing director: Susie Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Oz
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.