The Grand Quarter Sixteen Finale, Part Three of Three! Wherein there is great resolution! Our heroes meet both the Facesmith and an unexpected twist! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I can’t thank you enough for listening! It’s been an absolutely insane four years. It’s been full of ups and downs, laughs and tears, life changes and growing pains. Ultimately we’ve had a blast, and each of us is humbled and honored to have been blessed with the opportunity to entertain you for so many years.
I assure you, I never thought the Malex Minute would evolve into what it is, and I cherish what it has become. We would love nothing more than to be allowed to entertain you for more years to come.
That said, there are going to have to be changes. As previously announced, this Malex Minute episode is the last one we will be releasing for three months. This spring, instead of releasing any new entertainment, we will be focusing on making changes that we hope will allow us to make our livings from this sort of work.
If you’re wondering how you can help, please pray for us. This will be a very difficult time, and there is no small risk of failure in what we’re attempting.
Thanks again for listening, and check back regularly for updates on our progress! When we come back, it’s going to be huge and you will not want to miss it!
God bless, and have a great day!
Malex: Look! This is it! This is the end of the labyrinth!
Snufflefungus: Finally! Finally!
Mara: Whose idea was it to put a labyrinth at the base of Mount Gloom?! Don’t they know we’re in a hurry?!
Snufflefungus: (Melodramatic.) Oh Malex, the face is so heavy now. I might not make it!
Mara: Aw, Snuffy! We’re almost there!
Malex: This archway must be the entrance to the Facesmith’s… uh, forge?
Linus: (Disagreement.) Mm, ‘shop’ maybe? The forge is the actual furnace.
Malex: Fine, this archway must be the entrance to the Facesmith’s lair. It says ‘Facesmith’ across the top.
Snufflefungus: But it’s sealed, Malex. (Sadly.) Why is it sealed?
Mara: Don’t worry, Snuffy! There are four doorbells here!
Malex: Hold on! Hold on, I wouldn’t touch those.
Mara: Oh! There’s a sign!
Linus: “Solve puzzle to enter. Warning, incorrect answer brings instant death.” Malex, why does everything have to be so horrible?!
Mara: How hard can the puzzle be? Read it!
Malex: It says, “Dead Red jaded Jade ate Blue blew Yellow yellow.” Then there’s a line of four buttons, red, green, blue and yellow. Then it says, “If only one of them did anything, whose day was busiest?”
Snufflefungus: Let’s give up and go back! Maybe if we give the face back they won’t notice that we didn’t get it re-forged!
Malex: Well, hold on, there’s got to be a reasonable solution.
Linus: “Dead Red jaded Jade ate Blue blew Yellow yellow.”
Mara: So we have to figure out which one did the most? And then push that button?
Malex: I think so.
Linus: But this doesn’t make any sense! “…ate Blue blew Yellow yellow?!”
Malex: It has to mean blew as in ‘did blow’ and yellow as in ‘cowardly.’
Snufflefungus: But any one of them could have done anything!
Malex: No, I don’t think so. If this is a real sentence, I think it has to mean that Jade was jaded, Blue was eaten, and Yellow must have been blown into a state of cowardice.
Mara: Oh! “blew Yellow yellow!” Just like, “slapped Linus silly?”
Linus: Wait, but what if it means that Red was jaded, Jade ate something, and Blue blew something?
Malex: Oh yeah…
Snufflefungus: But what about Yellow?
Mara: Oh that’s right! Linus, if that’s true, we’re left with just, ‘Yellow yellow,’ which doesn’t make any sense!
Malex: So it has to be Red! Dead Red jaded Jade, ate Blue, and blew Yellow yellow!
Linus: Press it!
Mara: No, wait! Isn’t Red dead?!
Linus: Oh, right…
Malex: (Excited.) Yes, Red is dead now, but ‘jaded,’ ‘ate,’ and ‘blew’ are all past-tense verbs! Red must have been killed in action!
Mara: (Scared.) But what if it means that Dead Red jaded, but Jade ate Blue and blew Yellow yellow? That would make Jade busier than Red!
Malex: But only one color did anything! Remember? “If only one of them did anything, whose day was busiest?”
Mara: (Scared.) Uh…
Malex: Okay, you guys back up, I’m pressing the Red button.
Snufflefungus: Be careful!
Malex: Uh… Yes, thanks.
~~ Click, then rumbling.
Linus: (Calling out.) Are you dead?
Mara: Is the door open?
Malex: Yes! Come back!
Facesmith: Greetings. I am the Facesmith. Welcome to my office.
Linus: He calls it an office.
Facesmith: Ah, Face Bearer! You have finally arrived! I have been expecting you.
Snufflefungus: Can you re-forge this face, sir? We have come so far!
Facesmith: Oh yes, I know this face. We haven’t a moment to lose!
Mara: This is your office? Buried deep inside Mount Gloom?
Mara: It looks like a dentist’s office.
Facesmith: Do they not work on faces?
Facesmith: Of course their work is but a mere shadow of my art and craft. You see, when the Nine Riding Squirrels came to me, they were but frightened children, wielding a power they were too young to control. I took them in and helped them. I taught them new powers and skills, I gave them some of the deepest secrets of the universe, but most importantly, I taught them restraint.
Linus: Restraint? They must have all skipped that lesson.
Facesmith: Yes, well they are still Riding Squirrels. I did what I could.
Snufflefungus: Oh, I get it! The Riding Squirrels don’t have any restraint! That’s why it’s funny!
Malex: Yes Snuffy. Say, Mister Facesmith, did the Riding Squirrels, by any chance, learn about Transdimensional Engineering from you?
Facesmith: Oh yes. I taught it to them as well as to the inhabitants of this planet. I have done what I could to leave my mark while still vigilantly guarding Mount Gloom.
Malex: That explains a lot.
Mara: So, what was that about not having a moment to lose?
Facesmith: Of course! I will re-forge this cracked face immediately! Please wait here.
~~ Time passes.
~~ Low-level rumbling.
Mara: (Impatient.) How many hours has it been?
Malex: Three, I think.
Snufflefungus: We’re still waiting!
Linus: That Facesmith had better hurry. By the sound of that rumbling, there’s no way the Nine Riding Squirrels can restrain Round Blue Riding Squirrel for very much longer.
Agent Gilbert: Aha! I have found you!
Linus: Agent Gilbert?!
Snufflefungus: (Screams.) Don’t take my brain!
Malex: We thought you were dead!
Mara: You were flung a hundred miles!
Agent Gilbert: I landed in something soft!
Snufflefungus: You’re not still interested in my brain, are you?
Agent Gilbert: Of course not, fool! The power you have in your mind is as nothing compared to the power of the Riding Squirrels!
Malex: That’s probably true.
Agent Gilbert: You must take me to their leader! I heard you talking! You must take me to the one who makes the world rumble!
Linus: Oh, that’s a very bad idea.
Facesmith: I have returned with the round blue face!
Agent Gilbert: The face of power! You must give it to me! I will take it back to their leader and then he will share his power with me!
Mara: You’re completely crazy!
Facesmith: Stay away, you hooligan!
Snufflefungus: Facesmith, what do we do?!
Facesmith: Here Face Bearer, take the re-forged face! I will open a window directly to the Hotel Vertex with my mind! You must all pass through it immediately!
~~ As window opens, unearthly howling and pronounced rumbling are heard.
Agent Gilbert: The power! I am quite insane!
Malex: But what about Agent Gilbert?!
Facesmith: I will stop him! Go!
Linus: You don’t have to tell me twice!
Mara: Come on!
Malex: We’re through! And we’re in the top floor of the Hotel Vertex now!
Snufflefungus: I have returned! I come bearing the Face!
Mara: They all look so focused!
Agent Gilbert: I’m free!
Linus: What?! How did he get through?
Facesmith: (Calling through the window.) Sorry!
Agent Gilbert: Such power! (Screams.) You must give me your power!
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: (Startled.) What? Who’s there?!
Sad Orange Riding Squirrel: Oh no!
Agent Gilbert: The power!
Malex: Everybody shield your eyes!
~~ Agent Gilbert bursts into flames.
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Oh, look what you made us do!
Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: He’s dead! He can’t hear you anymore!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Snufflefungus, bring the round blue face!
Snufflefungus: Here it is!
Scary Grey Riding Squirrel: Install it! Install it now!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: It’s not easy with you yelling!
Sick Brown Riding Squirrel: Your hands are too fat!
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Here, let me do it.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: No, let me.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Huh! You always did take things away from me!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hush, you! (Pause.) There. Round Blue Riding Squirrel, can you hear us?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Are you still in there, buddy?
Round Blue Riding Squirrel: (Contented sigh.)
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: We did it!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh Snufflefungus, thank you! You have done a great service to the Nine Riding Squirrels, and to the universe!
Snufflefungus: (Blushing.) Aw, shucks! It was nothin‘.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: How can we ever repay you?
Snufflefungus: Well, there is one thing…
~~ Scene change.
Fluffsalot the Snufflefungus: And so you asked them to build a bigger and better Candy and Joy Closet? For us?!
Snufflefungus: Yup! Candy and joy!
Philip the Snufflefungus: Snufflefungus, you have done an incredible deed! You are truly Snufflefungus the Snufflefungus, the legendary hero!
Jenny the Snufflefungus: Three cheers for Snufflefungus the Snufflefungus!
~~ Snufflefungi cheer, followed by clapping.
Linus: I think the clapping still weirds me out. I think the clapping will always weird me out.
Mara: Aw, but they’re all so happy! It’s so cute!
Malex: Yes it is. Well Linus, old buddy old pal, another disaster narrowly averted!
Linus: No kidding. How many of these are we going to have to live through?
Malex: Well, all of them, I hope.
Linus: (Laughs.) Right… (Under breath.) Smart alec.
Mara: Now what, Malex? What are we going to do next?
Malex: That is a very good question, Mara. I guess we’ll have to figure it out as we go!
“Dead Red jaded Jade ate Blue blew Yellow yellow. If only one of them did anything, whose day was busiest?”
This puzzle took me about a day and a half to think up between January 4th and 5th, 2010. I knew it would be easy to re-use a classic puzzle like the two door knight/knave puzzle. I also knew it would be easy to lead the audience through a puzzle that didn’t make any real sense. People would have bought it either way, but I wanted to take the higher road and construct a puzzle that was both original and made perfect sense.
The solution lies in identifying the parts of speech represented by each word and reconstructing the meaning of the sentence. Without the cues normally given by punctuation (commas) and conjunctions (and), this proves to be more difficult than usual.
The correct assignments are: Adjective, noun, verb, noun, verb, noun, verb, noun, adjective.
Jade has been jaded, Blue has been eaten, and Yellow has been blown into a state of cowardice. (To understand “blew Yellow yellow” just consider “slapped Bob silly!”)
You might contest that Red could have been jaded, Jade could have eaten something, and Blue could have blown something, but what of Yellow? We will reject interpretations that lead to trailing constructs. Besides, the question tells us that only one color can have done anything.
So, with punctuation and a conjunction, the correct statement reads: “Dead Red jaded Jade, ate Blue, and blew Yellow yellow.” Therefore the correct answer is Red.
Knowing that only one of the colors could have done anything also guards us against strange constructs like, “Dead Red jaded, but Jade ate Blue and blew Yellow yellow,” which would give us the incorrect answer of Jade.
But isn’t Red dead? This is a red herring built into the puzzle. Red is dead in the present tense, but all of the verbs in the sentence are past tense. So presumably Red was killed in action.
Hopefully I haven’t overlooked any valid interpretations. Like I said, I tried to make a valid puzzle, but it’s not as easy as it looks!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Drew Reed
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.