New Year’s Day, 2010! Malex Minute 200! What better time for something insane to happen?! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Huzzah! What an incredible milestone! I could hardly believe our luck when I discovered that Malex Minute 200 would fall on New Years Day 2010. I’m not generally into numerology of any sort, but this particular constellation of numbers just seems so… significant somehow.
I took the opportunity to revel in the absolute awesome represented by 200 episodes and almost four years of production by temporarily abandoning our story arc and transplanting our characters back to the studio of old. It creates a surprisingly refreshing effect.
Snufflefungus, as usual, has managed to use his sheer, childishly distorted view of reality to wrench the whole episode in a very strange direction. And also to manifest a tangible New Year. His distorted view did that too.
All in all, I’m quite excited to present this episode to you, even if it is a few hours later than usual. And don’t worry about the story arc, we’ll be getting back to it next week.
Enjoy, and have a happy new year!
“Help! The plastic is everywhere!”
Malex: Welcome to Malex Minute 200 everybody!
Snufflefungus: 200! Like a two, only with two zeroes after it!
Linus: If that number is in base three, it’s not impressive at all.
Malex: But it’s not in base three, it’s in base ten.
Linus: But two-zero-zero in base three is only eighteen in base ten.
Mara: Linus, you’re confusing everyone.
Linus: And by, ‘everyone’ you just mean ‘you.’ Besides, you’re the one being confusing, claiming that we’ve only released eighteen episodes.
Snufflefungus: (Desperate.) Linus, we’re losing the whole audience!
Linus: You can’t suppress me! I’m a laptop!
Mara: See this coil?! I have a coil! Don’t make me degauss you!
Linus: (Screams.) Malex, save me!
Malex: Don’t come crying to me! My new year’s resolution is to let you suffer the consequences of your actions.
Linus: But that already happens! I don’t need more consequences!
Snufflefungus: Malex, what do you mean by “new year’s resolution?”
Malex: Oh, well, a new year’s resolution is where you decide – or resolve – to improve something about yourself in the new year. It’s–
Snufflefungus: But what do you mean by ‘new year?’
Linus: Are you serious?! This is golden!
Mara: Linus, I still have the coil…
Malex: Snuffy, every twelve months, our planet travels all the way around the sun once. When we finish the old trip around the sun and start a new one, that’s a new year. I’m sure you remember, this has happened before.
Linus: (In song.) Snuffy doesn’t know what a year is! Snuffy doesn’t know what a–
Malex: Hush, you! Snuffy, do you understand now?
Snufflefungus: No! I’m confused!
Mara: (Bossy.) Maybe I can explain. Malex is just bad at explaining. What are you confused about, Snuffy?
Snufflefungus: Well, the Earth is traveling around the sun in a circle, right?
Malex: It– It’s more of an ellipse, but yes. Generally circular.
Snufflefungus: So how do we know where one trip around the sun stops and the next trip starts?
Snufflefungus: When we have a new year, that means a new trip around the sun. But how can we know when the Earth finishes a trip around the sun? How do we know it’s not one long trip around and around and around the sun?
Mara: I give up.
Malex: Snuffy, we just drew a line in the sand and made that the boundary between the start and the end.
Snufflefungus: There’s sand in space?!
Malex: No no no, this is an imaginary finish line. In space.
Linus: Yes, and every new year Earth crosses it, surrounded by a crowd of cheering celestial bodies! Especially Venus, she’s cheering too. Earth winks at her as he goes by, because they’re special friends.
Malex: Linus, what’s wrong with you? Really, there’s just no explaining it.
Mara: I’m just glad you didn’t make a ‘celestial body’ joke about Venus. That would have been taking it too far.
Linus: Except now, by not saying it myself, I baited you into saying it, thus making it ten times funnier!
Snufflefungus: But wait, can we see that finish line in the telescope? And the cheering crowds?
Snufflefungus: Then how do we know it’s a new year?!
Mara: It’s imaginary, Snuffy. There’s no real, tangible ‘new year!’
Snufflefungus: (Laughing.) Oh, but Mara, that’s where you’re wrong!
Malex: What do you mean, Snuffy?
Snufflefungus: Everybody, allow me to introduce to you… The New Year!
The New Year: Hello everybody, it’s nice to make your acquaintance.
Mara: Wow, I’m speechless.
Linus: The New Year is embodied by a reincarnated James Stewart?
The New Year: Oh– Oh please, call– call me Jimmy.
Malex: Snufflefungus, where did you find this man?
Snufflefungus: But Malex, he’s The New Year!
The New Year: I represent the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Ten.
Mara: Isn’t it pronounced twenty-ten?
The New Year: Well isn’t that something! You– You’d think I’d know how to pronounce my own name.
Mara: Look, it– It wasn’t meant to be a personal remark. It’s just the convention society used all the way up to the year two thousand, so we might as well go back to it.
The New Year: This is outrageous!
Linus: She is right, you know. Eighteen fifty, nineteen ninety-nine…
The New Year: Well I prefer to be called two thousand and ten! Twenty ten sounds crass and undignified!
Malex: You may have a personal preference on that, but good luck getting everybody to say it your way.
The New Year: I– I don’t have to stand for this! I– I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back until everyone agrees to call me by my proper name!
Snufflefungus: Malex, is he really leaving?
Malex: Uh… Looks like it.
Linus: Well good riddance! I don’t like my years putting on airs.
Mara: But, what are we going to do without a new year?
Linus: See if the old one wants to stick around for a while. It’s still in the other room hung over from its wild partying last night.
Malex: Well everybody, it looks like we’re out of time for this episode. Thanks for listening and we’ll be back next week!
Mara: Oh, hey there twenty ten!
The New Year: I’m not staying, I just left my coat.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Aisling
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.