Contentment! What could possibly induce our heroes to leave Snuffleopolis? Give this incredible Quarter Fifteen Finale a listen and let us know what you think!
Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving, everybody! This day is also known as Black Friday, and it’s quite a fascinating study on the rabid consumerism of our hilarious culture. Check out Fat Purple Riding Squirrel and see if his hunger reminds you of any particular aspects of this horrifying ritual.
How many people will lose their lives this day in the name of great deals?! Too many! And that’s a terrible shame.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy this episode. There’s a lot of exposition here, but it should be pretty stinkin’ funny anyway.
“I don’t care if you’re full! Eat your biscuits!”
Malex: Well guys, we’ve been here for… Uh, h– How long now?
Mara: I don’t know! (Sighs.) It’s like the days run together into one long streak of contentment.
Linus: I feel like we could stay here forever!
Snufflefungus: But what about all the tremors? There’ve been three this week!
Malex: Well, maybe that’s just what the planet does.
Snufflefungus: But the rest of the Snuffies don’t remember any tremors before we got here!
Linus: A coincidence, surely!
Malex: You just don’t want to give up your teaching job, Linus.
Linus: Well why would I? Nobody’s ever entrusted their little ones’ minds to me before!
Malex: (Pointedly.) Yes. That is true.
Mara: I love this place too, but do we really want to give up exploring? Don’t we want to find our way back to Earth eventually?
Snufflefungus: Do we? We’re still being hunted by one of those scary PSA Agents!
Malex: Who knows how the citizens of Earth will receive us if we come back? When we left we had three separate groups angry at us.
Linus: Yes, and one of those groups was the whole human race. Seems they didn’t take it very well when Snufflefungus crashed the global economy.
Malex: Well, we don’t have to decide any of this now. For now, we’re safe from all the scary people on Earth, and it’s very unlikely that the evil PSA Agent will ever find us while we’re hiding here.
Jenny the Snufflefungus: Snuffy! Oh Snuffy, it’s horrible! Come quick!
Snufflefungus: What is it, Jenny? Aren’t you covering at the Candy and Joy Closet right now?
Jenny the Snufflefungus: That’s just it! There’s something wrong!
Snufflefungus: Oh no! Come on, Malex, let’s go!
~~ Scene change.
Linus: That’s weird. The whole door to the Candy and Joy Closet is shaking!
Snufflefungus: Jenny, what could possibly be in there?!
Malex: Oh no. No!
~~ Door stops shaking and clicks, then opens.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Groans as he oozes through door.)
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel! I should have guessed!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I smelled candy. And joy.
Jenny the Snufflefungus: It’s horrifying!
Linus: I’ll say!
Snufflefungus: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, you utterly decimated our supplies of candy! And joy!
Mara: But I thought the candy and joy was supposed to be infinite!
Jenny the Snufflefungus: (Horrified.) It was!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: It was infinite. That’s why I’m still enjoying it. The joy was a little chewy for my taste though.
Malex: Congratulations, you’ve destroyed a cherished institution, and all of Snuffleopolis will mourn for a week. Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, you’re disgusting.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Emotionally distressed.) Don’t you think I know that?!
~~ Seismic tremor.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Speaking over the tremor.) I’ve destroyed worlds to feed my hunger and still it burns! It burns!
Mara: Malex, don’t stand so close to him.
Linus: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, are you causing all these tremors?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: No! I am not! (Pause.) But I know what is.
Linus: (Expectantly.) Well?!
Malex: Wait! Linus, do we really want to know?
Snufflefungus: What do you mean, Malex?
Malex: It’s just… We’ve never enjoyed such a place as this! We’ve all found a place to belong! Snufflefungus working at the Candy and Joy closet, Mara working in the community garden–
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Gasps.) There’s a garden?! I’ll have to eat that too!
Mara: (Sighs.) Face it, Malex. We need to hear what he has to say about the tremors.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Long, long ago, this planet was lush and green.
Linus: It still is lush and green.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: No! It is lush and green again! Don’t interrupt!
Mara: How long ago are we talking about?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Many worlds have been born and died since that time.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Angry.) Now stop interrupting and let me tell you the story!
Malex: Please, continue.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Sighs.) You have to understand, we were desperate! So many people died during that time. We – the Nine Riding Squirrels, you understand – were young, and we just didn’t know how to stop the carnage!
Malex: What carnage? I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: If you would stop interrupting and just listen to the story, you might not be so confused!
Mara: We’re sorry. Please.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: We searched the whole universe for a planet like this one. This planet was the only one we could find with the… the unique properties we needed to… to stop him – to make him safe. You must realize, none of us wanted to hurt anybody. Even he himself just wanted rest – peace – but– but he was too full of fury!
Snufflefungus: But who? My little Snuffy brain is confused!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Tantrum.) You keep interrupting me, so you obviously don’t want me to keep telling the story.
Malex: No, please! We’re very interested!
Linus: Yes! Horrified, but interested.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Fine! (Rapid-fire.) The disaster, which has been restrained for a thousand thousand years, has now been loosed and the whole universe is in mortal danger. We plead with you to make your way to the big city or we will all die; the end! Happy?!
Malex: (Matter-of-factly.) No.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I must eat immediately. Where is this garden of yours?
Mara: Oh dear.
Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to this Grand Quarter Fifteen Finale! Sorry for the cliffhanger, but this story arc is just getting started! Join us next week for the continuation of the story, and the Grand Kickoff for Quarter Sixteen!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, with input from Peter Markley and Gabriel Markley.
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara and Jenny the Snufflefungus.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Drew Reed
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.