In this Halloween spectacular, stuff happens! And it’s funny! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
A good plot, like soup, thickens primarily by simmering and stirring. Our plot, however, is cold and greasy, and thickens by other, more horrifying means.
In order to give my brain the jump-start of creativity that it needs to write this terrifying drivel, I have taken to pursuing some new levels of sleep deprivation. My hope is that, by doing so, magic will happen.
In fact, I am currently writing this at 4:30 AM, and I can already see the magic taking place before my very eyes! It’s all very exciting.
Enjoy, and I’ll ttyl!
“Shut up, Jezebel! You broke my heart!”
Malex: Okay, I think we are now deep enough in these scary woods!
Mara: Yes! And it’s getting dark, so Little Red Riding Squirrel and the Shadow will never be able to find us!
Linus: What luck! I can’t see my hand in front of my face!
Malex: But Linus, you don’t have any hands to begin with!
Linus: That’s fantastic news!
Snufflefungus: (Scared.) Uh, guys, this place is kinda scary.
Malex: Let’s camp for the night!
Snufflefungus: But Malex, this place is kinda scary.
Mara: Now that you mention it, I suppose this does look like a scene from a horror movie…
Linus: But I can’t see anything!
Malex: That’s something of the point, isn’t it? I mean, with any good horror movie, it’s what you can’t see that’s really scary. Now, help me with the tent, will you?
Mara: Malex, when did you begin calling the cardboard box a tent?
Malex: When I decided to imagine that we’re not living in squalor, Mara.
Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) I just heard that tree growl!
Linus: (Dismissive.) Huh! You can’t possibly have heard the tree growl. It was almost certainly a hideous monster in the tree!
Malex: I’d personally rather it be the tree. After all, a monster could presumably leave the tree and proceed to fill its heaving belly with our sticky, corpsefied remains!
Snufflefungus: That’s not comforting at all!
Mara: But the tree can’t get us! It’s over there, and we’re over here!
Linus: Very observant of you. You’ll also notice that we’re in a forest, which means that menacing-looking trees are practically everywhere!
Linus: And it would be just our luck if they actually were growling!
Malex: Don’t be silly, that was just Mara!
Mara: What? Me?!
Malex: Oh. It wasn’t you?
Linus: Well dash it all, if it wasn’t Mara, who could it possibly be!
Mara: I’m deeply offended! I can’t possibly make that sort of noise!
Snufflefungus: But Mara, you snore! Are you sure it wasn’t you?
Mara: I am so confident that was not me.
Malex: Well that leaves us with the obvious question:
Linus: “How many pregnant goats can dance on the head of a pin?”
Malex: No, “What could possibly have made the noise?”
Bob the Tree: Sorry, Carl has a head cold.
Malex: Gasp! Who said that?!
Bob the Tree: I’m Bob, the tree. This is Carl.
Carl the Tree: (Coughs.) Hey.
Snufflefungus: Should we be scared of you?
Bob the Tree: No, not me. But old Jezebel there will snatch you up and eat you with nary a thought.
Jezebel the Tree: Come over here! (Hisses.) I’ll just pet you a little!
Mara: Malex, why am I not even surprised that we’re surrounded by talking trees? What have you done to me?!
Malex: You can hardly blame me. In what way is this my doing?
Linus: So, Bob. Are there any other trees we should be looking out for?
Bob the Tree: Most all of ‘em. There’s been something going around, turns perfectly sane trees into psychopathic murderers.
Jezebel the Tree: (Hisses.)
Bob the Tree: Shut up, Jezebel! You broke my heart!
Mara: So, there’s some disease turning trees into… zombie trees?
Bob the Tree: Yup, Carl’s got it.
Carl the Tree: Oh Bob, I can feel the psychopathic comin’ on now!
Bob the Tree: Well Carl, see you on the other side! You little folks might wanna step away from Carl. He’s about to get psychopathic.
Snufflefungus: Oh no! Not psychopathic!
Linus: Quick, hurry!
Carl the Tree: (Hisses.) No, come back! I want to eat your faces!
Malex: So Bob, are we safe near you?
Mara: Will you protect us?
Bob the Tree: I wouldn’t think so. I reckon I’ll get that disease sooner or later, and then you’ll have to run for it.
Snufflefungus: But I can’t run! I have to hop!
Bob the Tree: Well, whichever it is sonny, you’ll have to do it mighty quick.
Mara: I– I wonder what it’s like to get eaten by a tree?
Jezebel the Tree: Very pleasant! Come and see!
Malex: Bob, do you think we’re safe to at least spend the night here? We’re very tired, and–
Bob the Tree: Oh no! I feel it coming on now!
Linus: Great. Just great!
Snufflefungus: Malex, what do we do?!
Philip the Snufflefungus: Back! Back you foul demon trees!
Carl the Tree: Arrgh! Why?!
Snufflefungus: You– You’re a fellow Snufflefungus!
Philip the Snufflefungus: My name is Philip! Philip the Snufflefungus!
Snufflefungus: Malex, we’re saved! By Philip!
Malex: So we are!
Philip the Snufflefungus: Come quick, while they’re distracted by all the cutting! Follow me back to the colony!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara and Jezebel.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Aisling
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.