Our heroes, still tromping through the desert, find a group of natives who want to sell them a map! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Malex does not think well under pressure. And in his desperation for a map which leads out of the desert, he invents a system of economics which is untenable… at best.
We also discover the presence of an old enemy, trailing immediately behind our heroes. This should come as a surprise to nobody. The real question, however, is what will our heroes do when (not if) they again come face-to-face with their foe?
Whatever happens, I’ll bet it’s hilarious.
Yes, I brought a match. No, I will not set the library on fire for you. Come home, we’ll get a nice cup of tea and we can talk about this.
Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show today along with Linus – my favorite artificial intelligence – and Snufflefungus – my favorite fuzzy, bouncy, happy critter! And, last but not least, Mara – my favorite antagonistic, yet strangely endearing, telepathic girl!
Mara: So, when you say something like that, should I be flattered or punch you in the mouth?
Linus: Malex, are you okay? You know there’s no show, right?
Snufflefungus: We’re in the middle of the desert! We’ve been walking around for over a week!
Malex: Today, I’d like to talk about some neat technical thing I read about! Then perhaps we’ll call somebody improbable and argue about something silly!
Linus: (Gently.) Malex, there’s no recording equipment. There’s no audience. There’s no show.
Malex: (As if waking up.) Yes! Right. Well, I’m rehearsing. When we find civilization there’ll be recording equipment, and I’ll be ready to go!
Mara: (Sarcastically.) Sure.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) Teddy is all sandy! He loves playing in the sand! Sand, sand, sand!
Linus: Do you have to be so cheerful?! We’ve seen nothing but sand for weeks now! How can it still be a novelty to you?!
Snufflefungus: (Awed disbelief.) But Linus, sand!
Malex: Linus, do you really want to get him started?
Snufflefungus: Have you heard the sand song yet?
Linus: Please! I repent!
Snufflefungus: Sand, sand, we love you sand! / We think you’re grand / spread across the land! (Keeps repeating.)
Mara: I think it’s cute.
Linus: Well you’re a girl, and that makes your testimony highly suspect!
Malex: Hey guys? We’ve got company… And by, ‘company,’ I mean that there may be one or more individuals unexpectedly occupying the immediate vicinity, despite the fact that we previously assumed ourselves to be alone.
Linus: We got it the first time, divot-face.
Mara: Malex, what are they going to do?
Malex: I don’t know!
Snufflefungus: Look! They’re all carrying big walking sticks with pointy ends! How nice!
Linus: They’ve surrounded us!
Mara: I can’t watch!
Malex: (Overly dramatic.) Be strong, Mara! Be strong for Snuffy…
Mara: (Through a tear of terror.) I’ll try!
Tribe Guy 1: Would you like to buy a map?
Tribe Guys: (Murmur of agreement.)
Malex: (Decisively.) Yes.
Tribe Guy 2: We thought you looked new around here. You’ll definitely need a map, and we have one of the desert right here!
Tribe Guy 1: So how would you like to pay?
Mara: Uh, we really don’t have much.
Snufflefungus: What do you guys use for money?
Tribe Guy 1: Oh, we love meeting new people and learning about their currency!
Tribe Guy 2: Yes! Whatever you value, we want to value it too!
Tribe Guy 1: So what do you want to buy the map with?
Malex: Well, in our land – which is a far away land – we use wet sneezes for currency.
Tribe Guys: (Murmur of excitement.)
Malex: Linus, what would you say a map like this is worth? One wet sneeze or two?
Linus: Oh, one and a half at the most.
Mara: I think I’m going to be sick.
Malex: Gentlemen, I would like to formally offer one and a half wet sneezes for your map of the desert.
Tribe Guy 1: Yes! We’ll take it!
Tribe Guy 2: Quickly! Sneeze on us without delay!
Malex: Alright, gentlemen, gather ’round! There’s enough here for everybody!
~~ One and a half wet sneezes.
Tribe Guys: (Cheering.)
Tribe Guy 2: What an experience that was!
Tribe Guy 1: Indeed! Here is your map, good sir. You have earned it. And you simply must stay the night with us!
Tribe Guy 2: Yes, you must! Stay the night, tell us stories of your land, sneeze upon us some more, and we will replenish your supplies and send you on your merry way in the morning!
Mara: If there’s a warm bed involved, you can count me in! Just please don’t get me involved in any transactions.
Linus: Malex, I think we’ve hit the jackpot here.
Malex: Thank you all for your kind offer! We would greatly appreciate spending the night as your guests.
~~ Next morning…
Tribe Guy 1: Good morning! Did you sleep well?
Malex: Did I ever! I haven’t slept that well in ages!
Tribe Guy 1: Great! (Sneezes in Malex’s face.)
Malex: Oh, my eyes! What was that for?!
Tribe Guy 1: The girl! Will you sell her to me for some more sneezes? I promise I take good care of her.
Malex: (Slightly bewildered.) Ah, n– no. Uh… Thank you, but no. She is not for sale.
Tribe Guy 1: Oh well, I tried!
Malex: So you did. So you did. I’ll just wake everyone else up and we’ll be on our way.
Tribe Guy 1: As you wish.
Tribe Guy 2: What a strange people! Sneezes for money! What will they think of next? And they’ve left?
Tribe Guy 1: Yes, they left in a hurry.
Tribe Guy 2: More’s the pity. I would have liked to have a few more wet sneezes for my collection.
Tribe Guy 1: Say, who’s that?
Tribe Guy 2: I don’t know! Dark looking thing, isn’t he?
Tribe Guy 1: Hello there! Can we help you?
Shadow: Yes, I hope so. Perhaps you can point me in the direction of some… friends of mine.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Drew Reed
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.