Malex goes to steal water out from under the noses of the ravenous creatures and makes a new enemy! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Sorry, too sick to have thoughts this week! In my most lucid moments, I perceive the world through a swiney haze that can only mean one thing:
Donuts are in the kitchen, and the cat is just fluffy enough to prevent the downtrodden underbelly of an ice cold lemonade.
Also, swine flu, probably.
“We’ve gotta be sneaky! Sneaky!”
Mara: Oh, Malex? We’re running low on water again. Could you go draw some more from the Well of Teeth and Scary Death?
Malex: What, again? And since when is it called the “Well of Teeth and Scary Death?!”
Snufflefungus: Since I named it!
Linus: (Laughs.) What an imagination, that youngin’ has. “Teeth and Scary Death,” where does he come up with stuff like that?
Malex: Linus, Snufflefungus didn’t invent the teeth or the scary death. They are literal, frigid realities. Which you observed with your own eyes, I might point out.
Linus: Frigid, you say? In this desert, anything frigid is a welcome change.
Malex: Are you being obtuse intentionally?
Linus: Why, whatever do you mean?
Malex: (Upbeat.) Alright, I’m making yet another trek out to the Well of Teeth and Scary Death. Who wants to come along?!
Linus: Not me, I’m copying everything in the ship’s computer over to my hard drive.
Mara: Oh, I can’t. I’m thinking about preparing ration surprise for dinner. In three or four hours.
Snufflefungus: Me either! I’m um, uh… playing with important toys. Importantly.
Malex: Okay, so I didn’t make it sound all that exciting. But surely somebody wants to come with me?
~~ Awkward silence.
Mara: Malex, you’d better go. If you hurry, you’ll make it back in time for dinner.
Malex: (Resignedly.) Fine.
Linus: Don’t get mauled by the teeth or scary death!
~~ Scene change.
Malex: (Grumbling.) There’s gotta be another way to get this water. Five miles of treacherous terrain there, a den full of sleeping, ravenous beasts when I arrive, followed by the unspeakable joy of lugging fifty pounds of water five miles back to a spaceship full of ungrateful ingrates! Maybe I should build a gigantic siphon? Yes! A giant pipe, arcing across the sky and bringing us all the water we’ll ever need! We could–
Malex: What? Who– Who’s there?!
Flower: Me! You almost stepped on me!
Malex: Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t see you there, being as you’re a small flower and I have no idea why I’m seeing you, let alone hearing you or speaking to you.
Flower: You’re not hallucinating, stupid.
Malex: Just like an hallucination to say that. I’ll be going now.
Flower: Not so fast, you! You’ve got to pay a toll!
Malex: A toll?
Flower: That’s right! This is my territory!
Malex: I’ve crossed this barren stretch of desert half a dozen times, and I’ve never seen you before! What am I paying a toll for?
Flower: For crossing my territory! And if you’ve crossed it half a dozen times, you owe me six times as much!
Malex: See here! It’s not posted! What’s the difference between one patch of desert and another? I’m not paying you anything!
Flower: Well, sir, I guess that leaves us at an impasse!
Malex: (Incredulous.) I don’t think so. You’re rooted in the ground! I can walk in any direction and never see you again.
Flower: Is that so?
Malex: Yes! There’s no impasse about it! I’m carrying my water home, and I’m not paying your imaginary toll! Besides, I’m still not convinced you’re not an hallucination!
Flower: You’ll be sorry!
~~ Scene change.
Snufflefungus: Malex is back! He looks weary and broken! Yay!
Malex: Here, somebody take this water. Ugh.
Mara: Why don’t you put it away? It goes in that top cupboard.
Malex: No, it goes on the floor.
Mara: I see we’re not going to be getting along today.
Linus: (Tattling.) Malex, Mara has been trying to make a home in the spaceship. It’s like she’s a woman or something!
Malex: Linus, are you trying to be offensive?
Linus: Yes! How did I do?
Mara: Malex, did you bring a friend?
Malex: I’m sorry, what?
Mara: There seems to be a flower at the door.
Snufflefungus: Aw, a flower! And it talks!
Malex: What are you doing here?! I thought you couldn’t move!
Flower: You assumed I couldn’t move! Now pay the toll!
Mara: Did you cross something?
Malex: No! I– I mean, just the desert!
Flower: Yeah! My desert!
Malex: I’m not paying any toll!
Linus: That flower looks juicy.
Linus: I just mean to say, you look like you contain water. Which makes you juicy. Haven’t any of you heard of breaking open desert plants and eating them for water?
Snufflefungus: I have!
Flower: I can’t believe I’m hearing this!
Linus: Besides, you’d probably be a great source of fiber. Like celery!
Flower: That’s it! That’s the last straw!
Malex: I’m just curious. Now that it’s the last straw, what exactly are you going to do?
Flower: Get ’em, boys!
Malex: I’m confused. ‘Boys?’ ‘’Em?’
Mara: Malex, we’d better close the door!
Snufflefungus: (Screams.) Look out the window!
Malex: Oh, them!
Mara: There are thousands of them!
Linus: Close the door! Close the door! Close the door! Close the door!
~~ Door closes.
Flower: (Muffled.) That’s not going to stop us! Last chance!
Malex: I’m not paying any toll!
Flower: Okay then!
Mara: Malex, what are they going to do?!
Malex: I don’t know.
Mara: Eww! They’re spitting on our ship!
Snufflefungus: Spitting is fun and safe!
Linus: (Screams.) They’re spitting acid!
Malex: Okay, time for desperate measures!
~~ Deep explosion. Spitting stops.
Linus: What did you do?
Malex: As I expected, the right drive coil was still charged. I discharged it.
Mara: What did that do?
Malex: Well, killed everything within a mile of the ship. And utterly ruined any chance we had of leaving this planet without a jump start.
Linus: Also, the hull is crumbling away. Look!
Mara: Malex, what do we do?!
Malex: I’m not sure.
Linus: At least we don’t have to worry about food for a while.
Snufflefungus: Why do you say that?
Linus: We’ve got practically an infinite supply of celery lying around outside now. You just have to go pick it up!
Malex: Oh yeah, that is true.
Snufflefungus: Yay for celery!
Mara: I think I’m going to be sick.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Leela as Mara and the Flower.
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Drew Reed
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.