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Malex Minute 174

The Fourth of July! Traditionally a time of great fireworks and celebration in the United States. However, in this episode, the holiday has no bearing whatever! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

What?! Interrupt our regularly-scheduled program in the middle of a story arc?! Scandalous!

Actually, this sort of thing isn’t terribly uncommon for us. Sadly, it’s one of the marks (or perks, depending on how you look at it) of an amateur production.

This sort of thing happens when you try to juggle work, a turbulent personal life, and a weekly comedy show all at the same time. Stuff happens and the ball gets dropped. Thankfully, my siblings really stepped up to the plate and pulled this one together for me. Without them, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have had an episode this week at all.

But, fear not! Things seem (mostly) back on track, and we plan on returning to our story arc next week!

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Good thing he took his shoes off first!”

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: We interrupt time and space to interject a Malex Minute episode which has nothing whatever to do with the cliffhanger last episode contained.

Linus: Please keep arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Do not open the doors until the ride has come to a complete stop.

Snufflefungus: Is this a roller coaster?

Malex: (Sighs.) No…

Snufflefungus: Hooray!

Linus: (Sarcastic.) Please also keep your stupidity to a dull roar.

Malex: So, you know how I’ve been trying to figure out some way to make money on this show, right?

Linus: Yeah. It’s always been a source of bitter joy for me.

Snufflefungus: Joy! Money! Distant, distant cousins, and yet people always expect to see them together!

Malex: Well I’ve figured out a system!

Linus: Oh no. No–!

Malex: And now, a few words from our sponsors!

~~ Commercial.

Squeaky: Hi tired parents, having trouble keeping your kids out of trouble?

Child: (Screaming whine.) But I don’t wanna have manners! I wanna eat like a pig!

Squeaky: Hey, disrespected bosses! Not commanding enough fear or trembling from your work force?

Businessman: (Chuckles.) That’s okay, boss. I know I can get away with being late. You’re too timid to fire me! (Laughs.)

Squeaky: Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchfork is the magic ticket to carrying the level of awe you so richly deserve!

Teacher: Alright class, if you don’t sit down and behave, I’ll have to bring out Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchfork!

Class: Yes ma’am!

Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were driving– Wait! Is that–? Is that a… Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchfork?

Dude: (Laughs.) It’s quite alright, officer. I know you didn’t really mean to pull me over. It was an honest mistake, right?

Squeaky: If you are struggling to have others recognize your value as a human being, buy your Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchfork today! It really works! I used to have trouble commanding respect myself, but I bought one and look at me now! … If you order one within the next five minutes, we’ll engrave your lofty title on the handle absolutely free! Handcrafted by horrifying little demons and imported straight from hell, each one is a unique symbol of your personal worth! Remember, Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchforks!

~~ New commercial.

Mulberry Weasel Pop: (Singing.) All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel! The monkey thought ’twas all in fun. “Pop!” goes the weasel! (Stops singing.) Buy your mulberry weasel pop today! Only in mint flavor. (Faster, monotone.) Not responsible for any sudden and uncontrollable outbursts of violence after consumption.

~~ End commercials.

Snufflefungus: Malex, I love sponsors! Can I have a sponsor?

Linus: Yeah Malex, why don’t you be my sponsor for my hard work?

Malex: Your allowance was withdrawn when you tried to start that illegal chicken racing track!

Linus: Hey! There wasn’t anything illegal about it at the time!

Malex: Well my house has an ex post facto clause!

Snufflefungus: But that’s unconstitutional!

Linus: I’m moving to Canada.

Malex: Let’s hear from some more sponsors.

~~ Commercial.

Ghost: I’m so sad. I’m so alone. I don’t have a family and nobody loves me.

Other Ghost: I’m sadder than you.

Ghost: Will– Will you make me smile?

Other Ghost: Only if you want to laugh at my misery.

Ghost: That makes me sadder.

Other Ghost: I’m still sadder than you.

Ghost: I’m dead. You can’t be sadder than a dead person.

Other Ghost: I’m dead too.

Ghost: Well I’m deader than you. And you’re stupid, too.

Other Ghost: You’re… (Choking up.) You’re hurting my feelings.

Ghost: …Oh. Boo-hoo.

Other Ghost: You think you’re funny, don’t you? (Starts crying.) I was– I was never funny.

~~ Long pause.

Ghost: Can we get back to me now?

~~ End commercials.

Snufflefungus: What were they advertising?

Malex: I should screen these better…

~~ New commercial.

Evil Snuffy: Hello, everyone! Your personal information today is more sensitive than it ever has been before. Today we see identities being stolen and whole estates compromised by the information technology that powers our economy.

George Nelson: But I’m George Nelson! This is my bank account!

Thief: (Evil laugh.) Oh, I’m George Nelson now, and only I can prove it!

Evil Snuffy: That’s why today I have endeavored to protect the personal information of potential victims of this terrible, terrible crime. For a flat rate, you can give me your most sensitive personal information, and I will put it somewhere safe that no one with evil intent has access to.

Mrs. Rich: With my personal information safe, not only can I sleep better at night, but I can spend less time worrying and more time with my little poochy-woochy. You’re so cute, aren’t you poochy-woochy? Yes you are! … Thank you, Evil Snuffy!

Evil Snuffy: And with the subliminal powers of this vague, yet irrefutable testimonial, I will leave your vulnerable minds to succumb to my offer of security and happiness. Thank you.

~~ End commercial.

Malex: Okay, before you say anything, I fully admit that this was a terrible idea and I apologize. This will never happen again.

Linus: How can I mock you after something like that?

Snufflefungus: Malex, can I have some mulberry weasel pop? I won’t be violent!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Leela, Aisling, Peter Markley, and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with guest appearances by Leela as the Child and the Ghost, and Aisling as the Teacher and Mrs. Rich.

Post-processing director: Leela

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

NameSizeAction
Episode Audio3.9 MB Download Now - 3.9 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration220.5 KB Download Now - 220.5 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

First!

I get to make the first comment! Yay! (This must be due to the effects of summer vacation on the sleeping schedules of a number of the members of this site.)

I really enjoyed this episode, guys. Wonderful job. Some highlights for me:

Snuffy said:

Joy! Money! Distant, distant cousins, and yet people always expect to see them together!

Are money and joy even distantly related? Hmm...

Squeaky said:

… If you order one within the next five minutes, we’ll engrave your lofty title on the handle absolutely free! Handcrafted by horrifying little demons and imported straight from hell, each one is a unique symbol of your personal worth!

That's hilarious! I'm sure that makes this a formidable weapon, indeed.

Mulberry Weasel Pop Announcer said:

Not responsible for any sudden and uncontrollable outbursts of violence after consumption.

Why is it called Mulberry Weasel Pop if it only comes in mint flavor? And is it soda or a popsicle? Do you eat it or drink it? And what if you tire before it's done?

Evil Snuffy said:

And with the subliminal powers of this vague, yet irrefutable testimonial, I will leave your vulnerable minds to succumb to my offer of security and happiness. Thank you.

Perhaps it's irrefutable because it's so vague.

I'm truly impressed once again with the wit and talent of the MMN team. Great job!

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

*lol

That was really funny guys! Good job Leela and Aisling!!!! Those commercials remind me of the commercials my sisters and I make up when we're bored! X-D I think my favorite commercials were the mulberry weasel pops and the ghosts selling sadness, those were the best.

Favorite Line:

Snuffy: Malex, can I have some mulberry weasel pop? I won’t be violent! X-D

God gave us music, that we might pray without words

Lilly's picture

ROFL!ROFL!ROFL!

This has to be the funniest episode.... in awhile I guess... So much of it had me laughing! XD Especially the picture! Linus looks so horrified XD

Some of my favorites were:

Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were driving– Wait! Is that–? Is that a… Mr. Pitchfork’s Original Pitchfork?

Dude: (Laughs.) It’s quite alright, officer. I know you didn’t really mean to pull me over. It was an honest mistake, right?

Ghost: Well I’m deader than you. And you’re stupid, too.

Mrs. Rich: With my personal information safe, not only can I sleep better at night, but I can spend less time worrying and more time with my little poochy-woochy. You’re so cute, aren’t you poochy-woochy? Yes you are! … Thank you, Evil Snuffy!

And all the interjections between commercials =P

Awesome episode guys!

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Peter's picture

Hehehe

Thanks a lot, everybody! This was a blast! :D

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved coming back and listening to this :-*

XD XD XD

THAT, my friends, was HILARIOUS!!!! DEFINITELY a favorite!

FIVE STARS!!!

Praise the Lord! Hallelu!

I don't care what the devil's gonna do!

The Word and faith is my sword and shield

And Jesus is Lord of the way I feel!

Lol. Love the commercials. XD

A commercial on the Malex Minute said:

Ghost: I’m so sad. I’m so alone. I don’t have a family and nobody loves me.

Other Ghost: I’m sadder than you.

Ghost: Will– Will you make me smile?

Other Ghost: Only if you want to laugh at my misery.

Ghost: That makes me sadder.

Other Ghost: I’m still sadder than you.

Ghost: I’m dead. You can’t be sadder than a dead person.

Other Ghost: I’m dead too.

Ghost: Well I’m deader than you. And you’re stupid, too.

Other Ghost: You’re… (Choking up.) You’re hurting my feelings.

Ghost: …Oh. Boo-hoo.

Other Ghost: You think you’re funny, don’t you? (Starts crying.) I was– I was never funny.

~~ Long pause.

Ghost: Can we get back to me now?

Guys, this was awesome. XD Definitely a favorite. ^ ^

(¯`v´¯)

`*.¸.*´

¸.•´¸ .•*¨) ¸.•*¨)

(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.

LOL

This one was HILAROUS!!!!

Great job guys!

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Proverbs 4:23

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