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Malex Minute 168

Part one of our two-part Quarter Thirteen Finale, wherein Malex, Linus, and Snufflefungus go treasure hunting with Mike! Give this episode a listen and find out! Don’t forget to let us know what you think.

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

I think, with this episode, I have outdone myself. This is undoubtedly the grossest thing I’ve ever written. It’s gross beyond all reasonable measure of gross. As I was writing it, I somehow overlooked how gross it was going to be. Even as I was pulling together the sound effects for post-production, I still didn’t quite catch the full brunt of the gross.

Yay.

The results are absolutely great though. I think this could be on par with (or better than) some of our other recent home runs. This episode, along with its counterpart, both take the cake.

See, I fear that we’ve neglected our adventuring ways for at least the past several quarters. Hardly ever do our heroes find themselves venturing out of their own house anymore! My hope is to begin correcting that starting with this two-part Quarter Thirteen Finale.

Anyway, there’s not much I can say about this episode without totally ruining it,* so just listen, okay?

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Eventually, I will be able to remember the future. But only because eventually, it will be the past.”

* - Don’t you just love how Malex goes along to be the “voice of reason” and ends up being the craziest one in the group? Ah, subtlety.

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Gah! I just wish we could go on our vacation!

Linus: I know! I just feel like it’s always work, work, work for me. When do I get to do what I want?!

Snufflefungus: But Malex, you’ve been saving up for our dream vacation for two years! Why can’t we go?!

Malex: It’s this darn bad economy! I had all the money saved up, I bought all our tickets, and then the airline went out of business!

Snufflefungus: But there are other ways to travel, we could–

Malex: And then the resort slid off into the sea.

Linus: Yes, but you really can’t blame that on the economy.

Malex: Just you watch me!

~~ Knock on the door.

Snufflefungus: I’ll get it! (Opens door.)

Mike: Thank goodness I found you!

Linus: Why do we still answer the door when somebody knocks? It seems like we could save everyone a lot of grief.

Malex: Mike, what do you want?

Mike: I want you guys to come with me on a treasure hunt!

Malex: No. (Closes door.)

~~ Knock on the door.

Snufflefungus: I’ll get it! (Opens door.)

Mike: No really! I’m serious!

Malex: I know. No!

Mike: But it’s the biggest treasure ever hoarded! The biggest treasure ever seen by mortal man! It’ll be an adventure! You’ve got to come!

Snufflefungus: (Suddenly very excited.) I like adventure!

Linus: Malex, you know he might be on to something.

Malex: No he’s not! He’s a raving lunatic and there is no such thing as treasure, so a treasure hunt with Mike would be going on a quest for the impossible with a madman as our guide! No thanks!

Linus: But Malex, treasure.

Snufflefungus: Yeah Malex, treasure!

Mike: Yeah Malex–

Malex: Shut up, you! (Sighs.) There’s no stopping you two, is there?

Mike: But there’s three of us!

Linus: No, I’m pretty sure there’s no stopping us.

Snufflefungus: Please come with us, Malex! It just won’t be fun without you!

Malex: I can’t just let you guys wander off. Somebody’s got to be the voice of reason on this quest.

Snufflefungus: Yay!

Linus: (Disproportionately excited.) So what do we do?! I’ve never been on a treasure hunt before!

Malex: Do you have a treasure map?

Mike: Yes! I’ve got this treasure map right here!

Malex: Should I ask where you got it from?

Mike: No.

Malex: Why does it look like it’s missing the left half?

Mike: Because it is!

Malex: That’s it, I give up. Let’s go home.

Snufflefungus: But Malex, we are home!

Linus: We can’t give up now! We’ve come too far!

Mike: All is not lost! I know where we can get the other piece of the map!

~~ Scene change.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Why have you come to see the Fat Purple Riding Squirrel? I don’t like being disturbed in the morning.

Linus: It’s two in the afternoon!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I need my beauty sleep.

Snufflefungus: No you don’t! You need a diet.

Malex: He’s right, you know. Say, aren’t you acting Santa now?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I was fired.

Mike: But why would you be fired for being Santa?!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I wasn’t. I was fired from being Santa, for taking bites out of every toy.

Malex: Why would you take bites out of every toy?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I wanted to be sure it wasn’t candy.

Snufflefungus: Well what about the candy?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh, all of that was mysteriously lost in delivery. Nothing I could do.

Malex: That’s horrifying. You’re horrifying. And, to my horror, we need your help.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh?

Mike: We need the other piece of this map! I heard from Mickey the Chin that you had it.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Laughs somewhat menacingly.) I always knew this day would come! Of course I have the left half of that map. I keep it very close to my heart.

Linus: What does that even mean?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: It’s under one of these rolls of fat.

Malex: That’s disgusting.

Mike: Can we have it?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I’ve always wanted to go on this quest myself. I always dreamed of being the one to discover the most vast treasure ever amassed on Earth.

Snufflefungus: So why don’t you come with us?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh I couldn’t. My mobility isn’t what it used to be.

Mike: So you’re too fat to go on an adventure?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Yes.

Linus: Thank goodness. So can we have the map?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Of course you can have it! For a fee.

Snufflefungus: Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, did you say, “For a fee,” or, “For-a free?”

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: For a fee!

Snufflefungus: I’m so sorry, I’m not getting that. Fee or free?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Fee! Fee!

Malex: What could you possibly do with a fee? You’re living in such opulence here, you surely already have money to burn.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I always need more money because I always need more food!

Linus: That’s disgusting.

Mike: How can you possibly go to the grocery store if you can’t even go on an adventure?!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: You don’t need to go to the grocery store if you convince all of the wholesalers that you are the grocery store!

Malex: I don’t think I want to hear any more of this. Tell us your fee quickly, foul creature of the night, so we may flee your presence!

Snufflefungus: Sorry Malex, was that ‘flee’ or ‘free?’

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I want 150% and not a penny less!

Mike: 150% of what?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: The treasure, of course!

Mike: Well, that seems reasonable.

Malex: Of course it’s not reasonable! Mike, you don’t even know what percent means, do you?

Mike: (Distressed.) No.

Malex: Do you find yourself going to those check cashing places a lot?

Mike: (Very distressed.) Yes!

Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, we will not give you 150% of anything, let alone the treasure we are certainly not going to find.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: In that case, you’re not getting the map!

Malex: Well then sir, we find ourselves at an impasse!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Not really, you could just leave.

Malex: Or I could run up your foul stomach, plunge my arm into the folds of your fat, and fish out the map myself.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: You wouldn’t dare!

Malex: (Battle cry.)

Linus: He’s doing it! He’s really doing it!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I feel so violated!

Malex: (Gagging.) It’s… so… gross! Arrgh!

Mike: Did you get it?!

Malex: (Still gagging.) Yes!

Snufflefungus: It’s slimy!

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: You won’t get away with this!

Linus: Let’s get out of here!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Leela

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to Corsica S for use of the Blargh sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

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Episode Audio3.95 MB Download Now - 3.95 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration172.72 KB Download Now - 172.72 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

=D

LOL!!!!!!! I love the ending line! XD

This is without a doubt the grossest episode I've ever heard. FPRS is insanely disgusting and the picture just brings it all into perspective. Thanks, Quartz. @-D Kinda makes my stomach churn. 0_0 OK, not "kinda" I shouldn't have listened before breakfast... >.<

XD

Mike looks like a dork! XD

My favorite quotes are:

Linus: Why do we still answer the door when somebody knocks? It seems like we could save everyone a lot of grief.

I really like the part where Snuffy can't tell whether it's "fee," "free" or "flee" XD

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I want 150% and not a penny less!

...

Mike: Well, that seems reasonable.

Malex: Of course it’s not reasonable! Mike, you don’t even know what percent means, do you?

Mike: (Distressed.) No.

LOL!

Malex: ... No thanks!

Linus: But Malex, treasure.

Snufflefungus: Yeah Malex, treasure!

Mike: Yeah Malex–

Malex: Shut up, you! (Sighs.) There’s no stopping you two, is there?

Mike: But there’s three of us!

Linus: No, I’m pretty sure there’s no stopping us.

X-D I like how Linus butts in like that. I can just imagine the Laptop giving Mike a dirty look that says "Everyone knows Malex can't count!"

I say you did a fantastic job! It's really gross and that's what you were going for. 0_0 X-D

Praise the Lord! Hallelu!

I don't care what the devil's gonna do!

The Word and faith is my sword and shield

And Jesus is Lord of the way I feel!

*lol*

Favorite Quote:

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I need my beauty sleep.

Snufflefungus: No you don’t! You need a diet.

I love the delivery on that! X-D Good job!

Oh..and PS...the fat sounded horrific!

God gave us music, that we might pray without words

Peter's picture

*lol*

Thanks, everybody. XD

Please direct all complaints of the horrific grossness of this episode in Malex's direction. :P

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

haha

Malex! How could you?! (:) ...maybe FPRS stole into the courtroom and gorged himself on all the pizza...no, wait. His "mobility isn't what it used to be."

X-D X-D :-P :-P

...I have a horrible picture of Jabba the Hutt in my head...ENLARGED... X-|

Praise the Lord! Hallelu!

I don't care what the devil's gonna do!

The Word and faith is my sword and shield

And Jesus is Lord of the way I feel!

You know...

I cannot express how much I hate FPRS. "Hate, hate, hate, hate," might just about do it. Do you do the FPRS voice yourself, Malex, or is it altered in some way? Please tell me it's altered...

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Alex's picture

Hehe

Aisling said:

Please tell me it's altered...

I do the voice of Fat Purple Riding Squirrel and it is not altered in any way. :-D

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

wow...

man oh man oh man... 0_0 :-(|

Who does Mike?

*lol* listening to it again, I really like the beginning!

Malex: It’s this darn bad economy! I had all the money saved up, I bought all our tickets, and then the airline went out of business!

Snufflefungus: But there are other ways to travel, we could–

Malex: And then the resort slid off into the sea.

Linus: Yes, but you really can’t blame that on the economy.

Malex: Just you watch me!

We actually experienced the airline going out of business-- I believe it was last fall--when we wanted to go to CA. It was Skybus I believe. Nice 'n' cheap. :-|

"the resort slid off into the sea."

XD Wow...just...wow

Praise the Lord! Hallelu!

I don't care what the devil's gonna do!

The Word and faith is my sword and shield

And Jesus is Lord of the way I feel!

Alex's picture

*Raises hand*

gnnb94 said:

man oh man oh man... 0_0 :-(|

Who does Mike?

That's me too. Again, no voice altering. :)

I generally shun voice altering, because it seems like cheating to me. (Although the greats, like Mel Blanc, did use it on occasion...)

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

One thing.

I have only one thing to say to you, Malex:

That... was... gross...

Also, it was impressive in it's grotesqueness. Nice job, guys! :D

Und alvays rememba cheeldren: Delta ecks eqvals fee nought times time ploos von half accelerashun times time sqvared.

Yuck!

Lord have mercy, guys! That was so disgusting!!!

I love the tail. There was lots of laughing out loud over that.

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

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