Snufflefungus on trial, part two! How will it all turn out? Give this episode a listen and find out! Don’t forget to let us know what you think.
And now, the conclusion to our mad little two-parter! The tension in the courtroom escalates to a dizzying peak before finally crashing back down in a ridiculous manner only possible when the Markley Brothers are at the helm.
Really, I think this is the funnier of the two episodes, if one were to evaluate them individually. But I think they’re too much a part of one another to do that. You really should listen to both of them back to back and let them wash over you as a whole.
Ah, I just feel so great right now! I’ve got a lot of crazy pressure on me right now from a lot of different directions, but it’s not bothering me! Work’s been crazy, the MMN® has been far from a piece of cake, I’ve been working through a lot of very complex emotional/relational stuff, and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in days or weeks! Normally I’d be frustrated, upset, or even panicking in the face of all that!
And yet today I find myself experiencing peace. Or a cerebral hemorrhage. Yay cerebral hemorrhage!
Either way, enjoy the episode!
“Now what? Where do we go from here?”
Malex: Hey everybody! Last Malex Minute episode started out with Snufflefungus on trial for some unknown reason! The prosecution just called Linus to the stand, and now we’re going to hear what happens next…
Prosecution: May I continue?
Malex: Yes, sorry.
Prosecution: Linus the laptop, do you live in the same house with this ‘Snufflefungus?’
Linus: (Hesitantly.) Yes.
Prosecution: And have you ever observed him to be a troublemaker?
Prosecution: Have you ever seen him participate in mischief?
Linus: Oh yeah, he’ll follow me anywhere! He’s my best friend. We’ve committed all sorts of minor crimes together!
Linus: (Distraught.) Oh no! What have I done?!
Prosecution: Defense counsel’s witness.
Defense: So, Linus – may I call you Linus?
Linus: That is my name.
Defense: Isn’t it true that you’re a lying scumbag?
Linus: (Sobs.) Yes!
Defense: No further questions, your honor.
Malex: This is ludicrous! What is Snufflefungus even accused of?! What are those things that you supposedly found in Snufflefungus’s lab?!
Judge: Who are you?
Malex: I’m Snufflefungus’s legal guardian!
Judge: Well I find you annoying. Sit down and shut up or you’re not getting any pizza when it finally arrives.
Prosecution: If you must know, Exhibit A – which we already established came from Snufflefungus’s lab – is a stash of… Ugly Sticks! Addictive and destructive, these Ugly Sticks are a menace to society, and so is anyone who deals in them! Ladies and Gentlemen, that menace sits before you now – a fluffy ball of evil called Snufflefungus!
~~ Crowd gasps.
Defense: Objection! The prosecution hasn’t established any of this! This is all speculation of the highest order!
Prosecution: And you, my dear colleague, are a simian of the lowest order!
Defense: And you, sir, stand alone in an order all your own!
Judge: Order! Order!
Prosecution: Yes, we’re talking about order! Are you slow?!
Judge: I’ll have you disbarred, shorty!
Prosecution: You can try, wig-toter!
Defense: Children, children! Think of my client!
Prosecution: I’m thinking of your client! I’m thinking about how guilty he is!
Defense: How dare you?!
Judge: This is getting out hand. Prosecution, call your next witness!
Prosecution: Of course, your honor. I apologize.
Judge: See that you do.
Prosecution: For my next witness, I’d like to call Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel to the stand!
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: It’s’a me! Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel!
Snufflefungus: You! That’s the guy I was telling you about!
Judge: Hush, son. You’re already in a world of hurt. Nothing but pizza can get you off now.
Bailiff: Put your paw on this Bible. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: (Laughs.) Sure thing!
Prosecution: Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel, is it true that you are as ugly as sin?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Every time I look in the mirror it makes me cry!
Judge: That’s not an answer, son. For the jury’s sake, are you or are you not as ugly as sin?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Yes, I am as ugly as sin.
~~ Crowd murmurs.
Prosecution: Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel, nobody’s just born as ugly as you are. They have to be a victim of some terrible crime. Are you a victim of some terrible crime?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: I am! That Snufflefungus made me beat myself with an Ugly Stick!
~~ Crowd gasps.
Snufflefungus: No I didn’t!
Judge: Defense counsel, inform your client that these outbursts are not helping his case!
Prosecution: So, Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel, Snufflefungus made you beat yourself with an Ugly Stick.
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Yes.
Prosecution: But it didn’t stop there, did it?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: No! After I healed up from my first Ugly Stick, I found I couldn’t help myself! I needed more! And Snufflefungus was always there to sell them to me!
~~ Crowd is very agitated.
Judge: Order! Order!
Defense: Does it ever help for you to say that?
Judge: I like to feel that I’m in control.
Prosecution: Defense’s witness.
Defense: Thank you, stupid.
Prosecution: You’re welcome, fatty.
Defense: Now, Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel. If your name is Ugly, doesn’t that mean you’ve been ugly for a long time?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Well duh, I got ugly as a child playing in the trash compactor!
Defense: Doesn’t that mean you haven’t been beaten with any Ugly Sticks?
Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Well, sure I have! Now I’m even uglier!
Malex: You idiots! These Ugly Sticks didn’t appear in the lab until after Ugly Beige started coming over regularly! He asked Snufflefungus if he could store them in the lab, and since Snuffy didn’t know any better, he said yes! Snufflefungus hasn’t been dealing Ugly Sticks, his only fault is child-like innocence! If you’re looking for the real culprit, the real Ugly Stick dealer, you’ll find him sitting right there! It’s obvious that Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel has been sampling his own wares!
~~ Crowd gasps.
Bailiff: Pizza’s here!
~~ Everyone cheers.
Judge: Alright! Finally, I’m starved! (With mouth full.) We’re– We’re done here. Everybody’s free to go!
Snufflefungus: Yay! I’m innocent after all!
Malex: Come on Snuffy, let’s just take you home.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.