Malex notices that something is off and tries to put his finger on it. How bad could it be? Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
There’s just something weird about working in a new kitchen. I’ve been living at my ‘new’ apartment for three months now, and I haven’t yet been able to shake that particular feeling of weirdness. I go to open a cupboard, but oh! All the cupboards open from the other side now!
It’s nearly enough to drive one batty.
I saw a basketball game last weekend. It was quite an experience! There were cannons that fired things into the crowd. There were strange men walking up and down the aisles carrying beer in crates and hollering about it. Occasionally girls would run onto the court and behave very strangely.* There was even fire, briefly.
Oh yes, and there were tall men playing with a ball. That seemed to make everyone very happy.
All in all, it was a lot of fun. I might even do it again some time!
“Yes, well, she only teleported a little bit.”
* - The fabric-to-female ratio was low enough during these ‘displays’ that I found myself with ample time to stare at the ceiling. And what an ugly ceiling it was!
Malex: Hey Linus? Does… Does something feel off to you today?
Linus: The world is a pit of horror overflowing with leering masks of derision and despair. So no, everything’s as it should be.
Malex: Snufflefungus? Is it just me, or is something off today?
Snufflefungus: Ooh! Ooh! I know this! The man on the TV said “they’re” off! I think he was talking about horses.
Malex: Hmm, I don’t think that’s what it is… Oh, what am I saying? Of course it’s not horses!
Snufflefungus: They looked like horses to me.
Linus: He’s got a point there, Malex.
Malex: Yes those were horses. But that’s not what’s off.
Snufflefungus: (Not convinced.) I don’t know, they looked pretty off.
Malex: Yes, well, those horses were off. But I’m talking about here. Right now. In this very house!
Linus: Oh, yeah, I noticed that. Something odd.
Malex: (Surprised.) You did?
Malex: Oh… Really?
Linus: (Verbally nods.) Mm-hmm.
Snufflefungus: Please, Malex, continue.
Malex: Well, it all started when I was doing dishes earlier. At first, nothing seemed wrong, but then I started putting away the dishes.
Snufflefungus: (Suspense.) And?
Malex: And, well, I could have sworn that the cabinets all opened from the left, but some of them seem to be opening from the right now. Like the hinges have switched sides.
Snufflefungus: (Disbelief.) Switched sides?
Malex: Crazy, huh?
Linus: Not really. That’s not the only thing that’s happened.
Snufflefungus: Really? What else is off today, Linus?
Linus: Four kitchen cabinets have hinges on the wrong side of the door. One of those now has hinges on both sides, rendering it impossible to open. The front door handle has been shifted to the same side as the hinges. The design of the wallpaper in the bathroom has been rotated ninety degrees. The walls have all closed in by two inches. And, finally, Malex’s face is almost five percent less hideous than it was yesterday.
Snufflefungus: All that?! What could have caused it all?!
Coffee Cup 1: We caused it.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, we caused it.
Malex: You caused it?!
Coffee Cup 1: Didn’t we just say it twice?
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, we said it twice. Perhaps this one’s a little slow.
Coffee Cup 1: Mm, a little slow. Maybe we should punish him by making him hideous again.
Malex: No! I’m sorry! Anything but that!
Malex’s Dignity: (Screams.) I’m running! I’m running! Woo!
Linus: Wow, Malex! Your dignity was so desperate to flee your body that it actually manifested itself as a small blue creature and fired out of your forehead!
Snufflefungus: Does it hurt?
Malex: I’ll be okay. Coffee cups, why are you here?! Can’t you just leave before something else weird happens?
Coffee Cup 1: No.
Coffee Cup 2: Certainly not.
Coffee Cup 1: Certainly not. We have come to send you on a dangerous quest.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, a dangerous quest.
Snufflefungus: Ooh! I love quests!
Linus: I don’t. Call me when it’s over.
Malex: What sort of dangerous quest is this?
Coffee Cup 1: You must retrieve a terrible artifact!
Coffee Cup 2: A terrible, terrible artifact. One with many powers and a deep history.
Coffee Cup 1: Indeed. You must retrieve… That pen from the cup over there. And bring it to us.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, bring it to us.
Malex: What? This pen? Right here?
Coffee Cup 2: Yes.
Coffee Cup 1: If you’re up to the challenge.
Malex: Here you go.
Snufflefungus: (Squeals with delight.) You did it!
Coffee Cup 1: Most impressive.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, most impressive.
Malex: Hooray. Now will you go?
Coffee Cup 2: Do you suppose he is ready for the real quest?
Coffee Cup 1: He could be ready for the real quest.
Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Another quest?!
Malex: Now see here–
Coffee Cup 2: Quiet, you. We are assigning you another daring and dangerous quest.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, another daring and dangerous quest. And if you succeed, you will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.
Coffee Cup 2: Your wildest dreams.
Coffee Cup 1: To complete this quest, you must travel the long, hard road to the nearest village–
Coffee Cup 2: And buy us some burgers.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, burgers. And an ice cream cone.
Coffee Cup 2: Two ice cream cones.
Malex: You’ve got the door all screwed up. There’s no way to open it.
Coffee Cup 1: We knew you would fail us.
Coffee Cup 2: Utterly fail us. If you don’t provide us burgers and ice cream, we have no reason to stay.
Coffee Cup 1: No reason at all.
Malex: Fine, leave.
Coffee Cup 2: We will.
Snufflefungus: (Shocked. Gasps.) But Malex! Your wildest dreams!
Coffee Cup 1: And you’re still hideous.
Coffee Cup 2: Quite hideous.
Snufflefungus: Bye coffee cups! Bye!
Linus: Did I miss anything–? Holy! Malex, what happened to your face?!
Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all we have time for today! Thanks for listening, and we hope you join us again next week on the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Leela
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.