In this exciting episode, a salesman comes to Malex’s door and tries to sell something new and terrifying! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Wow! Another episode about madness! Didn’t see that coming!
But really, this is a quality madness. This is madness of a caliber you don’t find in most other online weekly audio dramas named the Malex Minute. We have a corner on that market.
Lots of great stuff has been happening around here lately, but most of it either I can’t talk about (confidential work stuff) or you wouldn’t be interested in the least. (Getting up at 5AM for a men’s bible study. Yay!)
One thing you can all relate to is paying bills! Oh wait, this audience is primarily made up of teens. In that case we’ll call this a teachable moment.
There are so many places money can go! Whenever you happen to need it, it always seems to have just skittered off to the other side of the room and popped down a hole in the baseboard. Chattering incoherently, these dollars quickly and gleefully slip through the fingers to goodness-knows-where, and if you’re not paying very close attention you won’t end up paying any bills.
Now, you may need a refresher course on what bills are. ‘Bills’ are what the universe charges you for being alive. As long as you’re breathing, there will be bills.* If you stop paying, the universe will toy with you by turning off your lights, shutting off your heat, and even kicking you out of your apartment!
This might seem like harsh behavior, but when compared to cotton candy, everything seems harsh.
As for the money, it seems like every drop of it needs to go to pay the bills. But in order to do that, you need to find a way to corral it and teach it where to go. I’ve been told this is called a ‘Budget.’
I am a big fan of the idea of the Budget. It seems very sensible to me, although I must admit haven’t done anything with it yet. I’m still stuck on the part where I find an accountant named Bud so I can get him to tell me what to do with my darn money…**
Great, now my face is sloughing off.
* - They should seriously just lump them all together under the label, “Carbon Dioxide Surcharge.”
** - Sorry Dave Ramsey, please don’t kill me…
Snufflefungus: (Happily.) Malex, Malex! Look out the window! There’s a man out there!
Malex: What–? Holy!
Salesman: (Muffled.) Sir, if I could just have a moment of your time!
Linus: (Joy.) There is a man outside!
Snufflefungus: Is that a salesman?
Malex: I think it’s possible.
Salesman: I’d just like to demonstrate the wonders of the Every-Key!
Malex: I wonder what he’s trying to sell?
Salesman: It bypasses the very notion of typing special characters or commands into your personal home PC computer device with a unique, patented system!
Linus: Think it’s a dog?
Malex: Nah, that doesn’t make any sense. Could be a fancy cheese-grater.
Snufflefungus: (Overjoyed.) He’s waving a picture of a Borg Cube around!
Salesman: Sir, the Every-Key will solve every problem!
Malex: Should we ask him what it is?
Linus: Might be dangerous.
Malex: I’ll take the chance. (Calling out to the salesman.) You there! Come to the door and we will listen to your words!
Salesman: No sir, momma always told me never to be a door-to-door salesman.
Linus: That explains a lot, while simultaneously raising a whole flock of new questions.
Malex: Well I’m not opening this window. You come to the door.
Salesman: That’s quite alright. Talking through the window is fine.
Snufflefungus: He’s so polite!
Malex: So what is this ‘Every-Key’ and why do I need it?
Salesman: Well sir, the Every-Key is a keyboard.
Malex: I already have a fine keyboard.
Linus: Now let’s not be too hasty, I wanna hear him out.
Salesman: Sir, how many times do you find yourself hunting for a way to enter that special character for a special someone?
Malex: Rarely to never.
Salesman: What about typing a message to an Asian business colleague in his expansive native character set?
Malex: Again, leaning toward the ‘never’ side of the equation.
Salesman: And what about typing all those pesky commands into the command line? Haven’t you ever wished you could make it all go away?
Malex: Frankly no. Not even a little bit.
Snufflefungus: I prefer the mouse! I can play with it, I can scoot it around, and he can be my friend!
Linus: Snuffy, hush! We’re trying to listen.
Salesman: The Every-Key solves all these problems and more, simply by being the most complete keyboard known to man!
Malex: How many keys does it have?
Salesman: Millions! And with our automatic, over-the-Internet hardware upgradability, new keys are added almost every minute!
Linus: Ooh! Malex, I want one! Please, may I have it?!
Malex: Wait wait wait a minute. Let me get this straight.
Salesman: I’m not sure you’re allowed. I was always told in salesman school never to allow the customer to get his bearings.
Malex: Oh no, it’s okay. I’m not getting any bearings, I’m just trying to get it straight.
Salesman: Okay, but if I see one bearing, this conversation is over.
Malex: First, you seriously propose that this keyboard has a key for every single thing I could ever want to accomplish on the computer?
Salesman: Yes sir. We even have an entire suite of one-button essays for the college student on the go.
Malex: Horrifying. And you said something about online hardware upgradability?
Salesman: Yes sir. It uses nanites to harvest precious natural resources in order to grow and expand in scope.
Snufflefungus: The neighbors wouldn’t like that!
Malex: I’m not buying this atrocity.
Linus: (Whiny.) Aw!
Malex: But I will humor you and ask how much it costs.
Salesman: That’s the best part, sir! It only costs twenty percent!
Malex: Dare I ask, twenty percent of what?
Salesman: Your income, of course.
Malex: (Enraged.) What?! Twenty percent of my annual income?! That would be nearly–
Salesman: No sir, twenty percent of your entire income over the course of your entire life.
Linus: That’s such a bargain!
Malex: I’d rather buy a couple of nice houses!
Salesman: Sir, of course the Every-Key replaces your home with itself.
Linus: Sounds fun!
Salesman: Upon delivery, it is programmed to release a swarm of nanites which consume all of your non-essential property, forming the foundation for the construction of the Every-Key. As it grows, it will form around you in a configuration telepathically determined to be most compatible with your brain. Then, as you carefully navigate from room to room, you may conveniently select any of the millions of buttons which sprout from every surface!
Malex: How exactly am I supposed to “navigate from room to room” if the buttons cover every single surface?
Salesman: Sir, did I neglect to tell you about the Tendrils of Comfort?
Malex: No, but I have the feeling I need to quickly prepare my brain for the onslaught.
Salesman: The Tendrils of Comfort sprout from the Every-Key, supporting you in mid-air as you live the rest of your life inside it. You may either swing from tendril to tendril or allow them to carry you where they will.
Snufflefungus: I don’t think I like this either…
Linus: Yeah, I think you lost me with the tendrils.
Malex: Well, salesman, your words have frightened me. I think I would like you to leave now.
Salesman: But sir, you’ve shown such interest here today! Is there anything I can do to persuade you?
Malex: Good sir, nothing in Heaven or on Earth could possibly persuade me to purchase this abomination.
Snufflefungus: Look, Malex, there’s a truck backing up in the driveway!
Salesman: Well sir, in that case, you leave me no choice but to give you a free sample! Enjoy your Every-Key, and be sure to recommend us to your friends, family, and mortal enemies!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.