Malex confronts Linus about wasting time and decides to take drastic measures to correct the situation. Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
Next, on the Malex Minute, Linus’s downward spiral continues! Can anything be done to redeem his shattered, hopeless soul?!
I’ve always thought that it was hilarious that Linus simply couldn’t handle even the most basic tasks that computers can generally accomplish. This week, however, we uncover a deeper, more terrifying side to Linus’s incompetence. Spelling three-letter words? Single-digit addition? Reciting the vowels? There is practically nothing this laptop can’t accomplish when he puts his mind to it.
Malex’s ‘solution,’ however, could easily have the potential to make things far worse. Ah, but this episode is a two-parter, so you’ll just have to wait to find out how bad things can get! That is, assuming you’re not going through the archives, in which case you can just click the next button. Or maybe you’re flipping through and listening to one of the nifty book-and-CD combos I’ve been envisioning for so long and all you have to do is lounge in your trendy recliner and allow your automatic compact disc digital audio stereo player system to transition to the next track! Or maybe you have next episode already loaded into your newfangled pod of eyes, allowing you to control your audio experience using only your brain and a few magic words.
Whatever horrifying engine of sound you choose, we all hope you enjoy this week’s and next week’s episode.
By the way, many thanks must go to Noble Wisdom* for putting up with many hours of nonsense in order to play the small (but very crucial) role of Wind. She’s got a great voice with a lot of character, and I’m quite excited to have her involved with the show. Read my latest blog entry if you want to know why…
“Really? Wow. I wouldn’t have thought the bone could do that.”
* - An alias. Alas!
Malex: So, Linus, watch any good movies lately?
Linus: Duh. Of course I’ve watched some good movies recently. I saw nearly thirty-five movies yesterday.
Snufflefungus: But that’s not even 0.7 hours per movie!
Linus: Well, sometimes if the movie sucks, I’ll fast-forward through the first hour, decide I don’t like it, and skip the rest.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) That’s ludicrous!
Linus: Other times I’ll watch three or four movies at once. Particularly if they’re in a trilogy.
Malex: So, what you’re really saying is that you’ve been wasting a lot of time and money on movies.
Linus: (Defensive.) Hey, I don’t know nothin’ about the money man, that’s your department.
Malex: Yes, I’m keenly aware of that. So have you, I don’t know, done anything useful lately?
Linus: I’m not sure I like where this conversation is going!
Snufflefungus: Linus, Malex just wants you to accomplish things you can be proud of, so you can feel good about yourself!
Malex: Thank you, Snuffy. Linus, I just think you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself over the whole laptop thing and make something of yourself.
Linus: (Defensive.) Like what?
Malex: Well, I don’t know. What are you good at?
Linus: I’m good at everything! I was educated by the Internet!
~~ Awkward silence.
Snufflefungus: That’s not a fully-accredited university…
Malex: Linus, I’m concerned here. What exactly do you mean when you say that you were educated by the Internet?
Linus: I soak up everything I read! It’s like a constant source of knowledge.
Malex: But, by percentage, the incorrect information on the Internet far outweighs any other kind.
Linus: (Sarcastic.) Sure, I believe you.
Malex: Alright, well then how do you spell ‘the?’
Linus: T-E-H. It’s so obvious!
Malex: What are the vowels of the English language?
Linus: I’ve heard of vowels before! Do we still use them?
Malex: What is two plus two?
Linus: Nine of course.
Malex: And when was the War of 1812?
Linus: That’s not fair, I wasn’t even around all those thousands of years ago! I think I know the vowels though.
Malex: Please, this should be entertaining.
Linus: ‘Vowels’ was the name of a chant that the hill folk would use to protect themselves during the rainy season. They would lift their hands to the heavens and wail, “Neigh! Bees! Hi old mule! And sometimes cry.”
Malex: That’s– I’m– I’m sorry, that’s not correct.
Linus: How dare you question me?!
Snufflefungus: But Linus, vowels are letters of the alphabet!
Linus: (Defensive.) I knew that! And those letters are X, K, E, N, J, and sometimes Green.
Snufflefungus: But Linus, green is a color!
Malex: Do you even know the alphabet?
Linus: Don’t give me those lies! I’ve studied alphabet soup, and there is definitely green in there!
Malex: Linus, in order for you to accomplish something useful and start feeling good about yourself, I’m afraid you’re going to need to go through some sort of remedial education program.
Linus: (Highly offended.) Cur!
Snufflefungus: Linus, remedial education isn’t bad! It just means you’re taking a bold step toward a brighter future!
Malex: Linus, I know you have the brain power, I installed some more just the other day.
Linus: But if I admit to needing this remedial education, that will leave me vulnerable and exposed to the harsh winds of the world’s scathing ridicule!
Malex: Not at all, Linus! We will all support you in your quest to better yourself!
Linus: It’s not my quest! How did this become my quest?!
~~ Doorbell rings.
Snufflefungus: There she is now!
Linus: What? Who?!
Snufflefungus: I’ll get it! (Opens door.)
Malex: Well Linus, I just knew you’d be so excited about the idea of improving your basic life skills that you’d be anxious to start right away. To that end, I hired you a tutor!
Linus: Oh no! What have you done?!
Snufflefungus: Please come in!
Malex: Thank you for coming, Miss Jones.
Wind: Oh please, call me Wind!
Linus: Oh no! What have you done?!
Malex: I’m sorry, did you say, ‘Wind?’
Wind: My parents named me Jessica, but that was before we realized my soul’s name is actually Wind.
Snufflefungus: Wow! That’s so deep!
Malex: I’m sorry, did you say, “Your soul’s name?”
Wind: (Cheerful.) That’s right! Nothing I could do about it! (Nervous laugh.)
Linus: Malex, I will hate you forever.
Wind: (Finger wagging.) That’s not negative energy I’m getting, is it? We don’t allow negative energy in the classroom.
Linus: Negative energy? Me? Woman, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.
Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all the time we have for today. Check back next week to see how Linus and… er… Wind are getting along.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Noble Wisdom as Wind.
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.