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Malex Minute 151

Malex confronts Linus about wasting time and decides to take drastic measures to correct the situation. Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Next, on the Malex Minute, Linus’s downward spiral continues! Can anything be done to redeem his shattered, hopeless soul?!

I’ve always thought that it was hilarious that Linus simply couldn’t handle even the most basic tasks that computers can generally accomplish. This week, however, we uncover a deeper, more terrifying side to Linus’s incompetence. Spelling three-letter words? Single-digit addition? Reciting the vowels? There is practically nothing this laptop can’t accomplish when he puts his mind to it.

Malex’s ‘solution,’ however, could easily have the potential to make things far worse. Ah, but this episode is a two-parter, so you’ll just have to wait to find out how bad things can get! That is, assuming you’re not going through the archives, in which case you can just click the next button. Or maybe you’re flipping through and listening to one of the nifty book-and-CD combos I’ve been envisioning for so long and all you have to do is lounge in your trendy recliner and allow your automatic compact disc digital audio stereo player system to transition to the next track! Or maybe you have next episode already loaded into your newfangled pod of eyes, allowing you to control your audio experience using only your brain and a few magic words.

Whatever horrifying engine of sound you choose, we all hope you enjoy this week’s and next week’s episode.

By the way, many thanks must go to Noble Wisdom* for putting up with many hours of nonsense in order to play the small (but very crucial) role of Wind. She’s got a great voice with a lot of character, and I’m quite excited to have her involved with the show. Read my latest blog entry if you want to know why…

ttyl!

––Alex Markley

“Really? Wow. I wouldn’t have thought the bone could do that.”

* - An alias. Alas!

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: So, Linus, watch any good movies lately?

Linus: Duh. Of course I’ve watched some good movies recently. I saw nearly thirty-five movies yesterday.

Snufflefungus: But that’s not even 0.7 hours per movie!

Linus: Well, sometimes if the movie sucks, I’ll fast-forward through the first hour, decide I don’t like it, and skip the rest.

Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) That’s ludicrous!

Linus: Other times I’ll watch three or four movies at once. Particularly if they’re in a trilogy.

Malex: So, what you’re really saying is that you’ve been wasting a lot of time and money on movies.

Linus: (Defensive.) Hey, I don’t know nothin’ about the money man, that’s your department.

Malex: Yes, I’m keenly aware of that. So have you, I don’t know, done anything useful lately?

Linus: I’m not sure I like where this conversation is going!

Snufflefungus: Linus, Malex just wants you to accomplish things you can be proud of, so you can feel good about yourself!

Malex: Thank you, Snuffy. Linus, I just think you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself over the whole laptop thing and make something of yourself.

Linus: (Defensive.) Like what?

Malex: Well, I don’t know. What are you good at?

Linus: I’m good at everything! I was educated by the Internet!

~~ Awkward silence.

Snufflefungus: That’s not a fully-accredited university…

Malex: Linus, I’m concerned here. What exactly do you mean when you say that you were educated by the Internet?

Linus: I soak up everything I read! It’s like a constant source of knowledge.

Malex: But, by percentage, the incorrect information on the Internet far outweighs any other kind.

Linus: (Sarcastic.) Sure, I believe you.

Malex: Alright, well then how do you spell ‘the?’

Linus: T-E-H. It’s so obvious!

Malex: What are the vowels of the English language?

Linus: I’ve heard of vowels before! Do we still use them?

Malex: What is two plus two?

Linus: Nine of course.

Malex: And when was the War of 1812?

Linus: That’s not fair, I wasn’t even around all those thousands of years ago! I think I know the vowels though.

Malex: Please, this should be entertaining.

Linus: ‘Vowels’ was the name of a chant that the hill folk would use to protect themselves during the rainy season. They would lift their hands to the heavens and wail, “Neigh! Bees! Hi old mule! And sometimes cry.”

Malex: That’s– I’m– I’m sorry, that’s not correct.

Linus: How dare you question me?!

Snufflefungus: But Linus, vowels are letters of the alphabet!

Linus: (Defensive.) I knew that! And those letters are X, K, E, N, J, and sometimes Green.

Snufflefungus: But Linus, green is a color!

Malex: Do you even know the alphabet?

Linus: Don’t give me those lies! I’ve studied alphabet soup, and there is definitely green in there!

Malex: Linus, in order for you to accomplish something useful and start feeling good about yourself, I’m afraid you’re going to need to go through some sort of remedial education program.

Linus: (Highly offended.) Cur!

Snufflefungus: Linus, remedial education isn’t bad! It just means you’re taking a bold step toward a brighter future!

Malex: Linus, I know you have the brain power, I installed some more just the other day.

Linus: But if I admit to needing this remedial education, that will leave me vulnerable and exposed to the harsh winds of the world’s scathing ridicule!

Malex: Not at all, Linus! We will all support you in your quest to better yourself!

Linus: It’s not my quest! How did this become my quest?!

~~ Doorbell rings.

Snufflefungus: There she is now!

Linus: What? Who?!

Snufflefungus: I’ll get it! (Opens door.)

Malex: Well Linus, I just knew you’d be so excited about the idea of improving your basic life skills that you’d be anxious to start right away. To that end, I hired you a tutor!

Linus: Oh no! What have you done?!

Snufflefungus: Please come in!

Malex: Thank you for coming, Miss Jones.

Wind: Oh please, call me Wind!

Linus: Oh no! What have you done?!

Malex: I’m sorry, did you say, ‘Wind?’

Wind: My parents named me Jessica, but that was before we realized my soul’s name is actually Wind.

Snufflefungus: Wow! That’s so deep!

Malex: I’m sorry, did you say, “Your soul’s name?”

Wind: (Cheerful.) That’s right! Nothing I could do about it! (Nervous laugh.)

Linus: Malex, I will hate you forever.

Wind: (Finger wagging.) That’s not negative energy I’m getting, is it? We don’t allow negative energy in the classroom.

Linus: Negative energy? Me? Woman, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all the time we have for today. Check back next week to see how Linus and… er… Wind are getting along.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Noble Wisdom as Wind.

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

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Episode Audio3.35 MB Download Now - 3.35 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration224.43 KB Download Now - 224.43 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

lol

Heheh...Linus not knowing his vowels....that's really funny. I think you guys did a great job on this minute. It was really funny! X-D

God gave us music, that we might pray without words

Fun stuff

My Favorite Part:

Linus: ‘Vowels’ was the name of a chant that the hill folk would use to protect themselves during the rainy season. They would lift their hands to the heavens and wail, “Neigh! Bees! Hi old mule! And sometimes cry!"

Lol! X-D It's just so ridiculous...and yet, it does have some thread of connection to the truth. Very clever writing, Malex. :-D Excellent delivery, Linus! X-D

Hehe, this line reminds me of playing Balderdash :-P

P.S. Sorry my voice came out sounding so fuzzy, guys. I really struggled to keep that microphone in the correct position. I'll have to work on that...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Lol!

This was brilliant, you guys! And "Wind's" voice is incredible! You did an excellent job, Nobel Wisdom!

Quartz! I love the illustration! I noticed Wind's hands look incredibly realistic! And I want that shirt!!!

P.S. Quartz, what happened to Malex's house? Where did all the wood and linoleum come from?

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Alex's picture

Hehe

Noble Wisdom said:

P.S. Sorry my voice came out sounding so fuzzy, guys. I really struggled to keep that microphone in the correct position. I'll have to work on that...

Nonsense, you are your own harshest critic. If I didn't think you sounded good I wouldn't have included your voice. Just because I love you doesn't mean I'm going to lower my standards of quality for the show just to include you. :-P

As for the microphone, I was being picky because I wanted it to sound perfect. And it does! :-D

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Wow!

Gee, where do I begin? I loved the episode. Great script. The chant was my favorite part too. How ridiculous!

Wind: My parents named me Jessica, but that was before we realized my soul’s name is actually Wind.

That's just so...so...yeah. It really says it all. I'm really enjoying the character. She sounds so profoundly ditzy. And that's just so unlike NW, that it seems to make it funnier. Malex is right, NW. Your voice is wonderful. I think you sound like a professional. You could do Nancy Drew for the games or Connie on Adventures In Odyssey.

Malex: Linus, I know you have the brain power, I installed some more just the other day.

I love this line, Malex. I'm not sure why it cracked me up so much. I guess it's a mom thing. I can just imagine saying something like that to the kids.

Linus: Negative energy? Me? Woman, you have no idea who you’re dealing with.

Why does this line make me think of Audrey II? Great work, Fopsworth. You do such a great job with Linus.

Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) That’s ludicrous!

I love the way you said this, Quartz. It just sounds so funny. And the illustration is really good. I love Wind's hands. Is this a tribute to the fact that in real life NW has such beautiful hands?

Wonderful episode, everyone. It's a job you can be proud of.

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

Hehehe

Thanks everyone for your comments! XD

SangMing said:

I love the way you said this, Quartz. It just sounds so funny. And the illustration is really good. I love Wind's hands. Is this a tribute to the fact that in real life NW has such beautiful hands?

Thanks! :D Nah, Malex has just been picking on me about all the women I draw looking like men. :P @-D (Not to say anything bad about Noble Wisdom’s hands.)

Aisling said:

Quartz! I love the illustration! I noticed Wind's hands look incredibly realistic! And I want that shirt!!!

Thanks. :D *lol* I think you had it at one time. I get inspiration wherever I can… XD

Aisling said:

P.S. Quartz, what happened to Malex's house? Where did all the wood and linoleum come from?

They remodeled while we weren’t looking. (:)

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

Geez!

I am blushing like crazy over here. You all are so flattering...I'm not sure it's good for me :-P

Thank you for the compliments. Really, I owe a lot to Malex's coaching, and everybody supporting me with positive feedback. I thrive on that stuff.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Alex's picture

Picking?

Quartz said:

Thanks! :D Nah, Malex has just been picking on me about all the women I draw looking like men. :P @-D (Not to say anything bad about Noble Wisdom’s hands.)

I haven't been picking on you, I've been encouraging you to make your female characters look more… female. :-P

And in fact, I didn't have to really say anything of the sort this time around, as (imho) you did an excellent job.

As for statements about Noble Wisdom, keep in mind that Wind is a completely fictional character, and nothing about the way she speaks, looks, or acts is in any way intended to represent Noble Wisdom.

I'm not so sure about that flight attendant at the end though. She sounds a little bit like NW… :-D

ttyl

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Alex's picture

Lol

Noble Wisdom said:

I am blushing like crazy over here. You all are so flattering...I'm not sure it's good for me :-P

Enjoy it while you can. You don't have to do this sort of thing very long before the novelty effect wears off and they start taking you for granted. Believe me, I know all about it. :-D

ttyl

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

heheheh...

I'll remember that.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Peter's picture

Just kidding...

Malex said:

I haven't been picking on you, I've been encouraging you to make your female characters look more… female. :-P

And in fact, I didn't have to really say anything of the sort this time around, as (imho) you did an excellent job.

Thanks! XD

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

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