Fat Purple Riding Squirrel seeks refuge in Malex’s house! From Santa’s elves! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel? Santa?! There can’t be a worse concept. And yet, somebody* thought it would be a good idea. (Or, if not a good idea, at least very funny.)
Snufflefungus is so good at exposition it’s uncanny. Santa’s current whereabouts were clearly unknown until the very moment Snuffy conjured them up using his brain powers. And yet, despite the tenuous connection with actual facts, you, the audience, may take this new information at face value.
Furthermore, I, the writer, feel no shame for delivering raw information in this manner. Chiefly because it’s funny.
Probably if this were a drama it would be substantially less appropriate.
As a final note, the banter in this episode makes me feel happiness anew; as if it were previously a distant, abstract concept that I’d only heard about in fairy tales. Maybe banter can do this for you too! Listen and find out, won’t you?
“Oh, okay… For a minute there it sounded like you were using a brain ratchet.”
* - Me.
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody.
Snufflefungus: Christmas is next week!
Linus: (Sarcastic.) Hooray! I can totally enjoy Christmas stuck in this laptop instead of having a real body.
Malex: Hey now, you had your chance at full mobility, and you abused the privilege.
Linus: I hope you don’t expect me to learn anything here.
Malex: I would never dare to hope such a thing.
Linus: (Smarmy.) You and your veiled insults. You don’t think I notice, but I do!
Snufflefungus: Quick, hide! Something big is coming this way!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh Malex, you’re my only hope!
Linus: I’m always astonished that one can fit inside something as small as a house.
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, we don’t have anything for you to eat! Get out!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Well I never! I didn’t come here for something to eat… But if you’re offering, I wouldn’t say no!
Malex: We’re not offering any food.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Are you sure?
Malex: Quite sure.
Linus: Oh, don’t listen to Malex, he’s just being modest! Of course we’re offering you something to eat!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh, I knew it!
Malex: Linus, be a dear and remind me to kill you later, would you?
Linus: Whatever you say.
Malex: Of course Linus is right, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel. In fact, there’s a whole bag of food in a bin next to the counter in the kitchen. If you hadn’t shown up, I would have just thrown it away!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: It sounds positively delightful!
Snufflefungus: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, did you say you didn’t come here for food?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: That’s right! I came here for some other reason…
Linus: Are you going to tell us why or just stand there being hideous?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Gasps.) Malex, you’ve got to hide me!
Snufflefungus: But that’s impossible! Malex, don’t agree to impossible things!
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, what are you hiding from?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: All these terrifying little green men!
Snufflefungus: No, silly! He means Elves! It is Christmastime you know.
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, why are you hiding from Santa’s Elves?
Linus: Malex, don’t you remember how terrifying Santa was? (Linus is referring to Malex Minute 095, yo. ——Alex) Surely his minions are just as terrifying.
Snufflefungus: I like minions! They go well on sandwiches and in soup!
Snufflefungus: You know, like French Minion soup?
Linus: As far as puns go, that has to be among the worst we’ve had to suffer through.
Malex: So is that it, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel? Are Santa’s Elves too scary for you?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: They say I have to be the new Santa!
Linus: You can’t be serious! I’ve had my application in to be Santa for, like, six months! Why would they pick you over me?!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: They say it’s because I’m the fattest creature on the planet.
Malex: Alright, hold on! I am totally confused here!
Snufflefungus: But Malex, isn’t it patently obvious? The real evil Santa has been missing in action since he and Jack McOven fell into the collapsing, weapons-grade white hole last year! But Santa’s not dead, he’s just hiding in the darkness, licking his wounds, gathering power to himself, and dreaming of the day he can strike back at the people who hurt him the most. That’s us! (Also referring to Malex Minute 095. ——Alex)
Malex: No, that’s not patently obvious, it’s deeply unsettling.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Can we talk about me now?
Linus: Sorry, I was just distracted thinking about ponies. Can we review everything that’s happened in the past thirty seconds?
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, why don’t you just tell the elves no?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: They had guns.
Snufflefungus: Why don’t you just take the job, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel? Being Santa could be lots of fun!
Linus: Yeah, seriously! That’s why I wanted the job so bad!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: But it sounds like work! I’ve never worked before. (Shudders.)
Malex: Oh, but you’d love it! Did anybody tell you about the milk and cookies?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Dawning excitement.) Milk and… cookies?
Snufflefungus: Oh, yes! Everybody knows to leave milk and cookies out for Santa! You’d get all the milk and cookies you could ever want!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: (Excited.) All I want?!
Malex: Well, I don’t know if–
Linus: And you’d be delivering all the Christmas snacks for all the families in all the world! It’s only customary for you to get to keep some of it!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Unlimited access to all the holiday snacks in all the world?! It sounds like heaven! I’ll take the job!
Linus: And he’s off! I had no idea he could move so fast…
Malex: Friends, what have we done?
Linus: Don’t you see? (Excited.) He’ll cause such a scandal they’ll be forced to fire him! I’m a shoe-in for next year!
Malex: You’re such a terrible person on the inside.
Snufflefungus: Sorry, I was distracted thinking about ponies this time! What happened?
Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week for another Malex Minute episode!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.