Linus becomes a movie critic! Can you think of anything less productive? Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
Linus? A movie critic? Shocking! And yet, it’s oddly appropriate.
Strangely enough, I find myself without any thoughts apropos to this episode. Perhaps this is due to the exhaustion I feel tangled in my brain just behind my eyeballs? Yes, that must be it.
So, seeing as I have no thoughts and I’m falling asleep in front of my laptop, I’ll indulge in a rare burst of shutting up and let you get right to the good stuff.
Enjoy the episode; ttyl!
“But if you are an adult, and you’re having trouble identifying the difference between food objects and non-food objects, that’s a concern.”
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show today.
Linus: Oh no, I’m hosting the show this time.
Malex: But you’ve never shown an ounce of respect for the job! How do you justify waltzing in and taking it from me?
Linus: It’s not that I’ve never respected the job, Malex, it’s that I’ve never respected you. You never have anything interesting to say!
Malex: So why are you only doing something about it now?
Linus: Because I do have something interesting to say!
Snufflefungus: I have something interesting to say! And that was it, right there! (Awkward pause.) Uh… Why are you both looking at me expectantly? I’m done!
Malex: So what was your topic going to be, Linus?
Linus: I’ve become a movie critic!
Malex: Haven’t we done that before…? We reviewed the movie Hoodwinked all the way back in Malex Minute 003!
Linus: Well duh. I mean professional film reviewing.
Malex: (Sarcastic.) Oh, my mistake.
Snufflefungus: Do you think you’re qualified to review films professionally, Linus?
Linus: Of course! Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. I fit the criteria beautifully. My cynicism alone is capable of crumpling up pop cans!
Snufflefungus: Crumpling pop cans?! Really?!
Linus: Absolutely! It happens when the pop can tries to hide inside itself from the sickening pessimism.
Linus: Not to even mention the sheer joy I get from lounging around and watching the television. It’s like… my calling!
Malex: Maybe this job isn’t good for your character, Linus.
Linus: You’re just jealous! I hate you!
Snufflefungus: How many movies have you reviewed now, Linus?
Linus: Oh, dozens! In fact, I have one playing over there right now! But it’s boring, so I decided to mute it and do something else. That way I’m not really lying when I say I watched it.
Malex: It’s boring, eh?
Linus: Yeah, it’s about sports.
Announcer: (On the television.) –the match we’ve all been waiting for! It’s the Boston Stranglers against the Yorkshire Rippers! The home team is going to get murdered!
Malex: Most normal people enjoy sports very much, Linus.
Linus: Well, I do sometimes. But these teams have dull colors. How can they expect to hold my attention without bright colors?
Snufflefungus: But that’s a very bright red!
Malex: So where can we read your reviews? Which paper do you work for?
Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Do they appear in the newspaper I deliver?
Linus: Not really…
Malex: Have you gotten any published?
Linus: Not yet.
Snufflefungus: How long have you been writing them?
Linus: Nine months.
Malex: Why won’t they publish your reviews?
Linus: Because they’re a bunch of softies, that’s why! They can’t stomach a guy calling it like it is!
Malex: What, they think your reviews are too harsh?
Linus: Can you believe it?! Listen to this guy. He wrote, “Never before has it seemed necessary to criticize a movie review as if the review itself was a movie of the very lowest caliber. But in his review of Fuzzy Friends, Linus has invented something entirely new.”
Snufflefungus: I saw that movie Fuzzy Friends! It was so cute!
Malex: Let me see that. He says here you used such obscene language that he went temporarily blind when he read it!
Linus: What can I say? I’m a pro. This little cry-baby is trying to take my success away!
Malex: So are you calling it like it is? According to Snufflefungus, Fuzzy Friends was an enjoyable movie.
Linus: Oh, it doesn’t matter what the kiddies think. Why do you think we don’t let children write reviews?
Malex: But Fuzzy Friends was a children’s movie!
Linus: I know.
Malex: Do you think it does a particularly bad job of entertaining children?
Linus: Not worse than usual.
Malex: Then why did you give it such an awful review?
Linus: Oh, you misunderstand. The reason they pay me is to hear my wit. And I can’t exactly give them much wit if I like the movie, can I?
Snufflefungus: So what you’re saying is, you aren’t reviewing a film to decide whether it’s a good film or not, you’re reviewing a film to find horrible things to say about it – whether you liked it or not – and you tell about those horrible things exactly like they are?
Linus: Yes! I tell about the horrible things exactly as they are. With a healthy dose of exaggeration. Makes perfect sense to me.
Malex: But, as a reviewer of movies you have a responsibility to influence the entire entertainment industry for good! Not only can you influence people toward films which are creative, original, and meaningful, but you can simultaneously reward the industry for producing such films!
Linus: Well, when you put it that way, it almost makes me feel bad for you. Like you’re stupid or something.
Snufflefungus: Linus, Malex is making a lot of sense! Also, I liked Fuzzy Friends.
Linus: Oh, the cookie-cutter mega-studio dross? The one that lifted most of its plot points from stories that stopped being original centuries ago? The one whose veritable plethora of mildly vulgar jokes could have been pulled at random from a hat?
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful) Yeah! That one!
Malex: Oh, Linus! You may be a reviewer yet! That was uncharacteristically intelligent and informative.
Linus: And yet you claim my previous negative review of the movie was unjustified?
Malex: Well you can’t just go to town slicing and dicing a movie! You have to actually make the points people are interested in. Just because a review of a bad movie is negative doesn’t mean it was an intelligent review.
Linus: Wait, so you’re saying that I can actually help people by reviewing movies, watching out for certain things, and making my reviews informative to my audience?
Malex: Exactly! You can be a person’s ally in choosing which movies are worth the effort to see!
Snufflefungus: It’s so wonderful! Linus, you can make a difference!
Linus: No, no, this is all wrong! If my work isn’t making everybody angry, I don’t want to do it! As long as I live, I’ll never review another movie again!
Malex: Why do I waste my breath?
Linus: I don’t know. Say, I’m out of money. Why don’t you go rent another dozen DVDs for me to watch?
Snufflefungus: But I thought you were done reviewing movies?
Linus: That doesn’t mean I’m done watchin’ ’em! Malex, this one’s a little slow.
Malex: Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, this Malex Minute episode is well and truly over. Thank you all for listening, and we hope you join us again next week for more Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.