President Anchorman desperately wants our heroes to help prove that Brian McPopular is evil. But they all like Brian McPopular way more than President Anchorman. How will it all turn out? Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
By now, of course, the presidential election has already taken place here in the United States. No, we did not ‘miss’ with this episode. I timed it this way intentionally.
See, I never intended for President Anchorman to represent any real president, and I wanted to discourage people from trying to draw parallels between my characters and the (equally caricatured) characters from this latest contest for the American Presidency.
So instead of making points about this election, I was hoping to make points about election in general. I may have been having too much fun, though. It’s possible I ended up sabotaging myself by just making it all too ridiculous.
I’m not going to get into it right now because that wouldn’t be productive. Instead, I hope you enjoy the episode as much as we did!
A Solution to the Two Party System: Require all campaigns to match the money they spend on themselves with donations to a pot which will be re-distributed evenly to all registered campaigns. (Especially competing ones.)
President Anchorman: You must help me, young Ultra-Snuffy! I’m in desperate need of popularity for my alcoholic self.
Linus: That was an awfully coherent thing you just said, President Anchorman.
Malex: President Anchorman, the presidential election is only days away! And Brian McPopular is a very promising candidate. You can’t just recruit somebody at the last minute to make you popular and beat him.
President Anchorman: But the McPopular one is evil inside! His soul boils inside him like a churning, chewy, caramel center of death and deadly destruction.
Snufflefungus: Brian McPopular is evil?
Malex: (Sighs.) That’s awfully poetic, but what proof do you have?
President Anchorman: Haven’t you ever heard of a woman’s intuition before? I have, and it frightens me.
Linus: Whatever you say, I like Brian McPopular! He promised free, ultra-high-speed Internet connectivity to all artificial intelligences within thirty days of his election to the office of president!
Malex: He did?
Snufflefungus: And he promised that all the bunnies of the world would be given loving homes!
Linus: Yeah, don’t you pay attention Malex?
Malex: I thought I’d been paying attention pretty closely. He’s said a lot about reducing taxes for everybody, withdrawing government tampering from what should be private sectors, and shifting power more in the direction of local governments.
Snufflefungus: (Excited.) I don’t understand what you just said!
Linus: That’s all new to me. In fact, I heard him say that he would be taxing everybody lots harder, increasing minimum wage, and providing food and healthcare to everyone, whether they work or not!
Malex: But that would crash the economy! It would erode people’s feelings of control over their own circumstances, ultimately leading to a lack of motivation to better themselves! More to the point, that’s in direct contradiction to what I heard him say.
Linus: So what? All politicians lie, it just means they’ll be great at their jobs!
Malex: But I never heard him say what you just said he said!
President Anchorman: It’s a cold, cold hill, this slippery slope of eviscerating the truth. Also, donkeys. Does everybody else here like donkeys?
Malex: President Anchorman, what are you saying?
President Anchorman: Who am I to know?
Linus: (Sarcastic.) You make some very good point there.
Malex: Is Brian McPopular lying to everyone?
President Anchorman: He has built for himself an atrocity of steel and wool. And this steel wool is the Lies Machine!
Malex: The Lies Machine?
President Anchorman: Through its dastardly workings, the words of this evil man sound like candy to a baby. But really, they sting like butter.
Snufflefungus: Oh! He means that everybody hears what they want to hear!
Linus: Of course. How do you know what he’s saying?!
Malex: Well, we’ll just clear this up right now. Let’s call Brian McPopular, and see what he has to say for himself.
Linus: Great idea!
~~ They call Brian McPopular on the phone.
Brian McPopular: Hello, may I hurt you?
Malex: Yes, hi! We’re just regular citizens, interested in voting in the upcoming election. We’ve all been quite happy with your campaign so far, but we were hoping you could address a few minor inconsistencies.
Brian McPopular: If elected, I will murder you. And I will take your wife and belongings as spoil.
Malex: Yes, and let me tell you, I’m the first to get behind you on that.
Linus: Me too!
Malex: But we were hoping to hear more about your opinions on big vs. small government.
Brian McPopular: My taxes will be the burden that breaks your frail spine. Your children will inherit your debt to me, and they will shed the tears of a thousand weeping angels.
Malex: See, he’s for small government.
Linus: That’s not what I heard, floppy gums!
Malex: Mr. McPopular, are you lying to us?
Brian McPopular: Yes.
Snufflefungus: See! I knew we could trust him!
Malex: Well, thanks for your time, Mr. McPopular. Good luck in the upcoming election.
Brian McPopular: Vote for me.
Snufflefungus: We will!
~~ They hang up the phone.
Linus: Did you really hear him talking about small government?
President Anchorman: The proof is in the pudding, dear angels. In time, you’ll run out of time, and then where will we be? There is a chance it will all turn out alright, but not for us. No, no… If there was ever a time for mixing grape juice with salicylic acid, it would be a chance for you and I to do the blueberry waltz.
Linus: Finally, he stopped talking!
President Anchorman: Fair maiden, I will be finished when I am finished, and not a penny less. That man is evil, and he should not be elected. I am finished.
Malex: So the Lies Machine must be real. It must be taking whatever he really says and distorting it so that everybody hears what they want to hear.
Snufflefungus: What can we do?!
Linus: His last big speech before the election is tomorrow!
Malex: Wait, this could be a good thing! That speech is going to be televised live. If we can destroy his Lies Machine, the whole nation will hear whatever it is that he’s really saying!
Snufflefungus: That sounds like a job for Ultra-Snuffy!
Malex: Hurry! Find the machine and destroy it!
President Anchorman: Before you go, dear Ultra-Pepper, would you fly me around the block? I– I’ve always wanted to be the Lois Lane to your Superman.
Snufflefungus: Uh, no. I’ve gotta hurry.
President Anchorman: Of course– Of course you do, I– I apologize. I will, instead, take a rain check on your generous offer. In the meantime, gentlemen, where do you keep your pancakes?
~~ Later, after the election.
Malex: Wow, that was quite an exciting election.
Linus: I’ll say.
Malex: Who knew that Brian McPopular would threaten the entire nation with bodily harm on national television two days before the election.
Snufflefungus: I don’t like Brian McPopular anymore.
Linus: The only thing is, now we get President Anchorman in office for another term.
Malex: Well, yeah, but at least he said he cares about the well-being of the nation.
Snufflefungus: He also said that your eyelashes make you look fat!
Linus: So what’s the moral of this story, Malex?
Malex: Perhaps, Linus, the moral of the story is that charisma and eloquence are worthless when it comes to public office.
Linus: And that good intentions and a constant haze of incoherent drunkenness are the way to go.
Malex: Uh… Maybe the system is just broken.
Linus: Yeah, I think it is.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.