Malex takes Linus and Snufflefungus to the Natural History Museum, and not a single thing there makes any sense. But really, what’s new? Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
I could go on and on about the symbolism in this episode and its parallels with the real world, (what, you didn’t think there were any?) but instead, I’m going to talk about the new site.
Yes, we’ve finally done it. A major upgrade to MalexMedia.Net!®
I could go on and on about the process leading up to the upgrade or all of the wonderful things we can do now that the site is upgraded, but instead, I’m going to talk about how the upgrade almost prevented this week’s episode from coming out on time.
See, I jumped into this upgrade a little more hastily than I usually do things. (Surprising, considering the fact that I had been worrying about this for over a year.) And so I upgraded the site with everything in place except one tiny thing: The ability to publish or edit media.
I actually thought we had assembled all the information for this Malex Minute episode, and that we could “make it go” without actually accessing the broken parts of the site. That way I’d have a week to solve the site’s problems instead of days.
Sadly, I was mistaken. Forgetting to check on it, I started the upgrade before this Malex Minute episode was ready for publication. By the time I realized, it was too late to do anything about it.
That would have been bad enough, but that was only my first mistake.
As soon as the new site was online, people started playing around on it, and it wasn’t long before they discovered my new Chat Room application. This wouldn’t have been a problem, except the load nearly crashed my server. In trying to keep things running smoothly I spent days improving Chat Room performance instead of working on that pesky media system… Can you see where this is going?
So now, here I am at 2:30 AM on Friday. I am only now finishing up the new code in the media system which will allow me to put together those last, vital pieces and click ‘Submit’ on this episode of the Malex Minute.
I hope you enjoy it. I really hope you enjoy it.
But how did it get up so high?!
Malex: So, the Natural History museum! This will be wonderful, guys. Very educational.
Linus: Education, eh? Sounds shady to me.
Malex: You know, Earth really is an interesting place. And if you want to observe some of Earth’s wonders, a museum is a great place to start!
Snufflefungus: Wow, this place is huge!
Linus: That undoubtedly lends more validity to what they say.
Snufflefungus: Ack! Malex, there’s a scary skeleton over there!
Linus: They shot the huge dinosaur, skinned it, and brought it home just as it was about to eat you, Snuffy!
Malex: Hush Linus. It’s just part of a fossil they found, Snufflefungus. It can’t hurt you.
Linus: You never know…
Malex: I never know what?
Linus: How to count to three.
Malex: What? Are you spontaneously insulting me?
Linus: No, I came up with this one yesterday while staring at the wall in quiet desperation! I’ve been looking for an opportunity to use it ever since.
Malex: That’s pathetic.
Linus: Get this: You’re so stupid, the doctor issued you a handicapped sign to hang from your forehead! (Laughs.)
Snufflefungus: Well that one over there looks real!
Malex: That one doesn’t even have any real bones in it. It’s just an imaginative sculpture.
Linus: Hmm… Very imaginative.
Malex: Say, what kind of dinosaur is that, anyway?
Snufflefungus: Ooh! I wanna read the plaque! Can I read it, Malex?
Malex: Go ahead, Snuffy.
Snufflefungus: Ahem. “This is the giganticus halitosisaurus, a rare species of dragon discovered fifteen bazillion years ago in the Medieval layer of rock between the Jurassic and Crustacean layers. All the experts agree it could fly, breathe fire, and knit a trendy frock.”
Linus: That’s weird… Was the guy who wrote that plaque on nitrous oxide or something?
Malex: Oh uh, look over there at that one, Snuffy! It’s not so scary, is it?
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) It’s a fossilized starfish! It says, “This was once a brilliant star that powered an entire solar system 4.502 times larger than our own. Having finally exhausted all its fuel, it collapsed in a gigantic supernova and fell to Earth, 15.76 crap loads of time ago.”
Linus: What…? It’s a starfish, not a star! What sort of monkeys are running this racket?!
Malex: Indeed. That doesn’t sound right at all.
Linus: Snufflefungus, you must be reading them wrong. Let me read the next one!
Snufflefungus: Ooh! This display is so colorful! I love colors! And this plant looks so fuzzy, I just wanna cuddle it!
Linus: This plaque says, “These are the transmattaholic stibbinfinder. They were discovered by scientists in outer space. That is, the plants were in space, not the scientists. Actually, the scientists were in space too. The weird part was, they were just floating there, like, in the void. That is, the plants, not the scientists. And you know what else? When we got ’em down here, they stank! They stank really, really bad. That is, the plants, not the scientists. In fact, one of ’em died from the stench. That is, the scientists, not the plants. So yeah, they look all fuzzy and harmless, but these bad boys stink so bad they could beat a skunk in a staring contest. That’s why this one’s in a vacuum sealed case. So, no touchy glassy casey! Seriously.” … Oh my gosh! I feel like I just lost four IQ points by reading that atrocity!
Malex: Wait, that’s what it actually says? I thought you were just being funny.
Linus: There’s nothing funny about this!
Snufflefungus: But wait, this is no transmattaholic stibbinfinder, this is a dandelion!
Malex: Mummified, but yeah, it’s just a dandelion.
Linus: Here, you read this one. It can’t be worse than mine.
Malex: It says, “There once was a family of golems. There was a mama golem, a papa golem, and a baby golem. They got crushed in a rock slide, and this is the papa’s hand.”
Linus: Your plaque is still better than mine.
Snufflefungus: Look, I can see a stubby little thumb!
Linus: No, you can’t! It’s a hunk of clay!
Snufflefungus: Malex, thank you so much for bringing us here! The education alone!
Malex: No, Snufflefungus, there is no education here. I was wrong.
Linus: Hey, maybe somebody’s gone and replaced the whole museum with an elaborate installation art piece!
Malex: Now that’s an idea.
Snufflefungus: I’m going to read the next plaque!
Linus: If you must.
Snufflefungus: It says, “This is no installation art piece. You will assimilate the knowledge we offer. Resistance is fetal.”
Malex: Doesn’t it say, “Resistance is futile?”
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful) Nope!
Linus: Great, aside from being criminally inaccurate and hard on the mind, this museum is completely illiterate!
Malex: Let’s just move on to the next plaque. It says, “No really, I meant ‘fetal.’ Like, you know, because only a baby would resist my incredible might.”
Linus: Well that’s just stupid!
Snufflefungus: Hey, is there any reason why we’re having a conversation with a building?
Malex: That’s a good question.
Linus: What does the next plaque say?
Malex: It says, “You’re having a conversation with me because I’m awesome, and you’re lonely for friends. Please don’t leave me.”
Linus: Oh, we’re going to leave.
Malex: Hmm, the plaque just changed in front of my eyes. It says, “Don’t leave. I promise not to indoctrinate your children too hard. Please stay. I’ll collapse in the night, I swear I’ll do it.” Okay, that’s it! It’s time to go guys!
Snufflefungus: Bye bye, crazy museum! Don’t collapse, we’ll visit you again soon!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.