Fat Purple Riding Squirrel arrives begging for food. Malex would send him away, but Fat Purple Riding Squirrel claims the planet is at stake! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
I must formally apologize to all Doctor Who fans for this episode. I am sorry you had to hear that, but I regret nothing. In fact, if I could go back to before this all started, I would do it all again.
Kudos to anyone who can identify which bit of dialog was pulled directly from an actual Doctor Who episode and beaten into submission before being presented in its current, tortured form. (And further, which Doctor Who episode it was from.)
The Riding Squirrels being among the “Great Old Ones of the Universe” is not an old idea, but it is an interesting one. Who knows what ramifications this might have on our heroes? Not I, surely. Which means you’re safe from any such ramifications ’till at least December.
Speaking of ramifications, I like pie.
Hmm, I must be exhausted. I will sleep now. Enjoy the episode!
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Malex: Hey everybody, and welcome to Malex Minute 135!
Linus: One day you’ll think of an interesting way to open the episode. But in that moment, the sun will explode, and your last thought will be disappointment that you never got the chance to prove your competence to the world.
Malex: Nah, you’re just grumpy because that kid laughed at you in the park yesterday.
Snufflefungus: It’s okay Linus, we know you’re not a stinky-face!
Linus: Shut up! I don’t want to hear it!
Malex: I’m actually pretty surprised that you couldn’t just man up and ignore him. It really is very childish that you’re taking it so to heart.
Linus: (Despair.) No it’s not! I’ve always been secretly afraid that I’m a stinky-face!
Malex: So anyway, Ladies and Gentlemen, I– Uh– What’s that noise?
Snufflefungus: Oh, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel! How did you get behind the door?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: That’s not important. Do you have any food?
Linus: You’ve got to be kidding me! You came here begging for food?
Snufflefungus: But Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, you already ate my food pie, what more could you possibly want?!
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, not to be indelicate, but you’ve got to weigh at least two thousand pounds.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: That’s not true! I don’t weigh anything like two thousand pounds.
Linus: He’s just suggesting that it wouldn’t hurt for you to skip a meal or two. Seriously, the floor is bowing underneath you!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I don’t think so. It was like that before.
Malex: We’re not going to argue with you. Just get out. We’re not feeding you.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: But I’m famished! I’m wasting away here! If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die!
Snufflefungus: Malex, is that even possible?
Malex: No, Snufflefungus, it’s not.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Please? I could really go for a fried chicken right now. … No? Perhaps a burger or two?
Linus: That’s disgusting.
Malex: Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, you need to go find your food somewhere else.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hey everybody! It’s’a me, Little Red Riding Squirrel!
Malex: I never thought I’d say this, but I’m actually somewhat relieved to see you, Little Red Riding Squirrel. Fat Purple Riding Squirrel has been begging us for food again.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh no, how could you! You must come home at once!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: But I’m famished. And I’m afraid the device might fail before we arrive!
Linus: What device?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh no! No no, this is bad!
Snufflefungus: Can’t we just… change it? So it’s good? I don’t like it when things are bad.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Can’t you feed him anything? Perhaps just a turkey?
Malex: (Angry) A whole turkey?!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Or maybe two?
Malex: Now see here, you miserable little rat! I’m not going to feed either of you anything! You’ve barged into my home completely uninvited, and you’re begging for food like a pair of contemptible, shameless vagabonds!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: But you don’t understand!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: If you don’t feed Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, the whole planet might be in danger!
Snufflefungus: Oh no!
Linus: How could Fat Purple Riding Squirrel’s eating possibly affect the whole planet?!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: For that, friends, you must hear a story.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Long, long ago, before any of you were born, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel developed an eating problem. But we Riding Squirrels stick together, so we mercilessly teased him, but life went on. Soon, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel became too fat to walk. But we Riding Squirrels stick together, so we built a roof over him and fed him in shifts. And life went on.
Linus: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but isn’t Fat Purple Riding Squirrel able to walk now?
Malex: Yeah, I mean, his rolls of fat drag on the ground as he walks, but I’m assuming those are legs hidden underneath.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Please, just pay attention to the story. All will be explained.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Where was I? Oh yes, feeding in shifts. In time, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel got so fat, he began to alter our orbit around the sun. But we Riding Squirrels stick together, so we invented Transdimensional Engineering and life went on.
Malex: Wait sorry, sorry… Transdimensional Engineering?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: It’s very simple. We took the insides of my body and placed them far, far away, without ever separating them from the rest of my body. It just means that I’m fatter on the inside than I am on the outside.
Snufflefungus: But that’s silly!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: That’s Transdimensional Engineering! A key Riding Squirrel discovery! Without it, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel would never have been able to experience a normal life.
Linus: What’s wrong with dieting?
Malex: So what you’re telling us is that some of Fat Purple Riding Squirrel’s fat exists in a different dimension?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Not some of it. Almost all of me is tucked away in another galaxy.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: We’re currently estimating that at least 99.999% of his fat is inside the device.
Linus: So wait. How fat would that make you?!
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Oh, my fat completely dominates the galaxy it occupies. In fact, I think I may have wiped out an entire civilization.
Malex: That’s horrible.
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I used to feel them warring against my encroaching fat. It tickled.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Anyway, the point is, if the Transdimensional Weight Reducer fails, Earth would instantly shatter under the stress of the increased mass. It would be like colliding with millions of planets at once. Everyone would die.
Linus: (Horrified.) Oh.
Malex: That’s really bad. Uh, how can we prevent it from failing?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Feed me!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: We designed the Transdimensional Weight Reducer to derive its power from Fat Purple Riding Squirrel’s favorite activity: Eating! So as long as he keeps eating, the problem stays well hidden.
Malex: Couldn’t you have designed it to power itself by burning the fat instead?
Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: We didn’t think of that.
Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Well, I’ve heard enough. I’ll go start making food pies right away!
Malex: (Resigned.) I’d better help.
Linus: (Resigned.) I’ll help too.
Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I guess we’ve got work to do, so I’m afraid we’ll have to end this episode here. We hope you come back again next week for another episode of the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.