Mike returns with an interesting business proposition! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
So, you remember how last week’s episode was originally supposed to feature Mike, but once I started writing it accidentally ended up featuring Dipkiss? Well, this episode is the one I meant to write in the first place.
Mike is so great.
There are so many things wrong with what Mike says and does, you really start to wonder what’s going on in his head. But then you realize the danger you’ve put yourself in and quickly abandon that train of thought.
I should point out, Mike is almost certainly fired from his pest control job. His flash of insight resulted in him abandoning the drive to work, and I’d be willing to bet that he’s done that sort of thing before.
That’s the sort of behavior that would put any employer on edge. I was thinking the employer could at least be glad that Mike’s not an alcoholic, but then I realized how little comfort that would be. After all, with a brain like Mike’s, who needs substance abuse?*
I also can’t help but love the banter between the main characters in this episode. It really seems to me like we’re topping ourselves practically every episode. And that can only be a good thing, right? I hope…
“Would you mind not building that on my foot?”
* - Not strictly true. There isn’t a human being alive so dumb that you can’t make him dumber with a little intoxication. At least, I hope there’s not…
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show today.
Snufflefungus: I’m Snufflefungus, and I love being me!
Linus: I’m Linus, and I’m wishing I was anywhere else! Like the surface of the sun!
Malex: Wouldn’t that be something.
Linus: Something indeed, Malex, something indeed.
Malex: Well, it’s a beautiful autumn day! The leaves are turning brilliant colors, the cool air is refreshing and brisk, and–
Linus: Somebody’s being excessively positive! Seriously, if you love the weather so much, why don’t you marry it!
Snufflefungus: Linus! It would never work out!
Malex: Anyway, I was just thinking we could talk about the upcoming–
Snufflefungus: Wait! Somebody’s about to knock on the door!
~~ Somebody knocks on the door.
Linus: Now you’re just mocking us.
Malex: (Opens door.) Hello? (Disappointed.) Oh.
Mike: Thank goodness you still live here!
Malex: Mike, we don’t want passage out of the country.
Mike: I know that.
Linus: We don’t want any more yield signs.
Mike: I know that too.
Snufflefungus: And we don’t have any pests for you to exterminate, either!
Mike: Really? Lookin’ from the outside, you’d think this house was crawling with–
Malex: That’s wonderful, Mike. If you don’t mind, we’re going to go back to our lives now.
Mike: No! You can’t! I’m not here as an exterminator! I’m here as an entrepreneur!
Linus: Not one, but two words with more than three syllables! Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s give Mike a big round of applause!
~~ Thunderous applause.
Malex: So, Mike, what exactly qualifies you to be an entrepreneur?
Mike: I’s gotta brain, do I not?
Linus: That’s debatable.
Mike: It’s the best business idea to ever hit Ohioville!
Malex: Mike, you have us all in an inordinate amount of suspense. Tell us about this new business proposition of yours.
Mike: I was on my way to work this morning, when it hit me.
Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) Were you okay? Did you lose control and swerve into a ditch? Have you walked all this way to find help?
Mike: (Laughs.) Everything out of that dog’s mouth is hilarious!
Linus: Can you please just get through your spiel and let us get on with our lives?
Mike: I was on my way to work, and suddenly I had the idea, “Why not build a casino?” And instead of going to work, I rushed straight here!
Malex: First, I’m horrified that you would think of coming here ahead of, say, an insane asylum. Second, aren’t gambling establishments uniformly banned in Ohioville?
Snufflefungus: Not the lottery!
Linus: I always wondered about that.
Mike: Wait, what?
Malex: Mike, it’s illegal to build a casino.
Mike: (Laughs inappropriately.) It doesn’t have to be legal to make money!
Linus: He’s got you there.
Malex: So, why did you come here?
Mike: I want your help! We’ll all be partners, fifty-fifty!
Snufflefungus: But there are four of us!
Mike: Exactly! All together, we’ll have two hundred! Which puts us way ahead of everybody else!
Linus: Is it bad that that made sense to me?
Mike: Isn’t it exciting?! We’ll be rich!
Malex: Mike, we’re not interested.
Mike: But I haven’t told you about how awesome the casino will be!
Malex: We’re not interested.
Snufflefungus: Friends, friends! It would be rude not to hear him out!
Linus: I’m okay with that!
Malex: Okay Mike, you have one minute.
Mike: Great! So, you know how all the big casinos have a theme?
Malex: I guess so.
Mike: Well, my casino will have a theme too! And it will be the best, most unique theme of any casino ever!
Linus: Did anybody else just get a shiver of terror down their spine?
Snufflefungus: What will your casino theme be, Mike?
Malex: I think you misheard the question. He asked what your casino theme would be.
Mike: Yeah, that! Parenting!
Malex: I just got that same shiver of terror.
Linus: Mike, forgoing all the most obvious questions, what could you possibly know about parenting?
Mike: Oh, you know, stuff from TV. I mean, how hard can it be, really?
Malex: Okay Mike, I’ll bite. How exactly were you thinking this ‘Parenting Casino’ would work?
Mike: Well, obviously, the casino would have a child care facility. So the parents can come right over after work, drop the kids off, and blow their entire paycheck in one evening!
Malex: Child care?!
Mike: Yeah! Top notch child care! We’d have little toy slot machines, toy roulette wheels, you know, the works!
Linus: Bad Snuffy, what were you thinking! “Hear him out,” what a bad idea!
Mike: And the parenting theme would be, like, everywhere! We’d have “Are we there yet?” Blackjack, Report Card Roulette, “Are you lying about who hit you?” Poker, and my personal favorite, the “Is it time to change the diaper yet?” Slot Machines!
Snufflefungus: Wow! You came up with all that on the way over here?
Malex: Mike, get off my property. Now.
Mike: That sounds great! I’ll send you over the paperwork next week!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.