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Malex Minute 133

Doctor Elliot Dipkiss returns, speaking pretentiously about soda pop. Is there no rest from the madness?! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Malex can’t take it any more, and frankly I don’t blame him. But I’m just not sure that murdering Doctor Elliot Dipkiss is the answer we’re all desperately seeking.

The fact is that soda has no potential for use as a focusing matrix for detecting new age energy disturbances. And it certainly won’t be functioning as an artificially-intelligent computational device any time soon.

Although his points aren’t reasonable at all, Dipkiss presents them confidently. Which to many is just as good. After all, truth is relative, right? Just believe what the bubbles tell you to believe.

On a different – but equally interesting – subject, I originally had no intention of including Doctor Elliot Dipkiss in this episode. It was originally intended to be Mike who showed up spouting irregularities. (As he often does.)

The problem was, although the material was funny, it just didn’t feel like Mike. I was about one third of the way through the script, and the lines didn’t sound like Mike. So I took a step back and tried to figure out what character I was thinking of, and it quickly hit me. Doctor Elliot Dipkiss! Mister Pretension! Of course.

So I wrote Mike out, wrote Dipkiss in, and all was right with the world.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“In other words, I think you’re a monster.”

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, you’re just in time for the Malex Minute!

Snufflefungus: Not that guy! He’s been waiting for hours!

Linus: Malex! When are you going to take responsibility for your own actions?

Malex: What?

Linus: Your face gives me the willies! Something must be done!

Malex: We’re not changing my face.

Linus: Can’t blame me for trying.

Malex: Yes I can.

Snufflefungus: So, something new and fascinating has come to my attention!

Linus: What? Is there anything you’re not fascinated by?

Snufflefungus: I am speaking, of course, about the magic of pop! Also know by the unwashed heathens as ‘soda!’

Malex: Uh, sorry guys, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He did not mean to call you unwashed.

Linus: (Cheerful) Although you really do reek!

Snufflefungus: This new drink has all the kids talking, so I thought we should talk about it too!

Linus: Malex, he wants to talk about soda. There is clearly no hope for the show’s future.

Malex: Snufflefungus, I’m not sure there’s much to say about soda that hasn’t already been said.

Snufflefungus: If anybody can say things about soda that have never been said, it’s world-renowned Pop Expert and Professor of Sodal Studies at the local community college, Doctor Elliot Dipkiss!

Dipkiss: Hey everybody, thanks so much for the warm welcome!

Linus: Get out and never return.

Dipkiss: As your furry friend mentioned, I do teach about soda pop at the local university.

Malex: That must be a short class.

Dipkiss: Oh no! It’s quite fascinating, really. You can dive into the material, and keep diving, and simply never emerge!

Linus: That’s called ‘drowning.’

Dipkiss: There’s just so much ground to cover. We offer dozens of classes on the subject, and I’m afraid we barely even scratch the surface.

Malex: I’m sorry, Dipkiss, are we talking about the same soda here?

Dipkiss: Aren’t we?

Malex: I mean, you know… That simple stuff that comes in bags of syrup and gets mixed with carbonated water at a fountain?

Dipkiss: You know, there’s been a lot of lively debate about that in the academic world of late.

Linus: I’m speechless.

Snufflefungus: Those bubbles! They’re so tickly! When I discovered soda yesterday, it was the bubbles I fell in love with!

Malex: Snuffy, you had a soda last week. And the week before that. And, actually, lots of times before that.

Snufflefungus: Yes, but I never really discovered it before.

Linus: I’m more interested in this debate. How can there possibly be any debate about soda? It’s so screaming simple.

Dipkiss: Well yes, that’s right in practice, but in theory, it’s so much more complicated.

Malex: I have to admit, Snuffy was right. You are saying things about soda that have never been said before.

Dipkiss: Why thank you. That’s– That’s possibly the nicest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.

Malex: I’m terribly sorry.

Dipkiss: See, there are some camps that suggest the bubbles represent far more than just carbon dioxide coming out of solution. In some camps, those bubbles are claimed to be the result of human souls churning about the afterlife in a dimension tangential to our own.

Malex: (Sarcasm) Actually, I’m more of the opinion that the bubbles are representative of the swirling multitude of problems in society.

Dipkiss: I see you’re no stranger to the subject yourself! In fact, I am largely a proponent of the same view.

Linus: I can’t believe we’re listening to this.

Snufflefungus: (Serious) Linus, a little respect please, these truths changed my life.

Linus: Since yesterday?!

Dipkiss: One of the merits of soda is its high energy content. When properly prepared, it functions as a focusing matrix, allowing it to be sensitive to even the most subtle of disturbances in the space around it.

Linus: So the bubbles form in response to those disturbances?

Dipkiss: Exactly!

Linus: Actually, this is starting to make some sense.

Snufflefungus: See?!

Malex: (Frustrated.) You can’t be serious!

Dipkiss: So by carefully observing the formation and movement of these bubbles, we can learn something about ourselves as creatures on this planet.

Malex: (Getting increasingly frustrated.) No we can’t!

Dipkiss: Some of us have been working ’round the clock for years now to build a fully-functional, artificially-intelligent computational device out of nothing but various combinations of soda.

Malex: That will never work!

Dipkiss: I don’t think I like your tone, sir. I’ll have you know we’re very close to a breakthrough. I saw the signs in my soda bubbles at breakfast.

Snufflefungus: The man knows his bubbles!

Malex: That’s it! We’re done! Get out!

Dipkiss: Wouldn’t you prefer to discuss this like reasonable adults?

Malex: I’m turning off my recording now, so there won’t be any witnesses if you’re still here in five seconds and I’m forced to kill you.

Dipkiss: Oh no, you wouldn’t do that–

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

NameSizeAction
Episode Audio3.53 MB Download Now - 3.53 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration230.59 KB Download Now - 230.59 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

FIRST! HAHA!!!

Dipkiss: Hey everybody, thanks so much for the warm welcome!

Linus: Get out and never return.

Dipkiss: Oh no! It’s quite fascinating, really. You can dive into the material, and keep diving, and simply never emerge!

Linus: That’s called ‘drowning.’

These parts were amazing...

Linus: Actually, this is starting to make some sense.

Snufflefungus: See?!

Malex: (Frustrated.) You can’t be serious!

Dipkiss: So by carefully observing the formation and movement of these bubbles, we can learn something about ourselves as creatures on this planet.

Malex: (Getting increasingly frustrated.) No we can’t!

Dipkiss: Some of us have been working ’round the clock for years now to build a fully-functional, artificially-intelligent computational device out of nothing but various combinations of soda.

Malex: That will never work!

Dipkiss: I don’t think I like your tone, sir. I’ll have you know we’re very close to a breakthrough. I saw the signs in my soda bubbles at breakfast.

Snufflefungus: The man knows his bubbles!

Malex: That’s it! We’re done! Get out!

Dipkiss: Wouldn’t you prefer to discuss this like reasonable adults?

Malex: I’m turning off my recording now, so there won’t be any witnesses if you’re still here in five seconds and I’m forced to kill you.

Dipkiss: Oh no, you wouldn’t do that–

This whole section had me almost falling out of my seat laughing. But, my whole family is still asleep, so i had to kinda hold it it, which got harder and harder as time went on. Awesome work, guys!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

You know you've played too many war games when you see a helicopter and expect it to open fire.

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous.

Susie Markley's picture

I LOVE the picture, Quartz!

Like how it's , "Choke" for "Coke" And "Smug root beer" for "Mug root beer" And for the picture of the Dog on "Smug root beer" You can't really tell, but Quartz zoomed up on it for me, the Dog is making the MOST HILARIOUS FACE!!! LOL

Amazing work, Guys!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Making phrases up on your own is always better than quoting someone else."

-Willy M. E.

(Get it? Really Me? Get it?)

#HowManyLicksDoesItTake to change a lightbulb?

Good Heavens.

This is so sidesplitting! Dipkiss actually sounded so convincing, there were times when ... nevermind. :D

Malex: I’m turning off my recording now, so there won’t be any witnesses if you’re still here in five seconds and I’m forced to kill you.

Dipkiss: Oh no, you wouldn’t do that–

Should have seen that coming in his bubbles.

I couldn't help but notice that, immediately following Snuffy's insult about people calling it "soda," they all proceeded to call it "soda."

allowing it to be sensitive to even the most subtle of disturbances in the space around it.

Does he mean shaking it? Cause if that's so, I can vouch for the observation.

Amazing illustration, Quartz. I especially love the "Choke" bottles. What does the tall green can say though? I can't read it.

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"Technology is lovely when it works."

-my chemistry professor

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Peter's picture

Wow

DragonManJ13 said:

This whole section had me almost falling out of my seat laughing. But, my whole family is still asleep, so i had to kinda hold it it, which got harder and harder as time went on. Awesome work, guys!

I really appreciate the encouragement! Always glad to brighten your day! XD

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“Have you not heard that I determined it long ago? I planned from days of old what I now bring to pass …” –Isaiah 37:26, ESV

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Peter's picture

*lol*

Thank you! :D The tall thin can says, “CREATURE.” :P

Leela said:

I LOVE the picture, Quartz! …

Thanks! XD

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“Have you not heard that I determined it long ago? I planned from days of old what I now bring to pass …” –Isaiah 37:26, ESV

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

PBS!

I think we have the makings of a documentary here, guys. Dr. Dipkiss sounds exactly like virually all of the professors and experts on every PBS documentary I've ever seen. Seriously, that voice is amazing, Malex. And amazingly irritating. I laughed so much over this episode. The illustration is genius. Now I'll never be able to drink Sierra Mist again! Leela is right about the picture of the Smug dog. Quartz, you should make it available somehow.

Poor Dipkiss. I hope he makes himself scarce before tragedy strikes.

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Alex's picture

Thanks

I'm so glad you all enjoyed this episode! I must admit, Dipkiss is a fun character to voice. :)

As for the zoom on the Smug Root Beer, I think we can probably come up with something...

--Alex Markley

“Suddenly, the world was a bit more orange than usual. And the bunny didn't like it.”

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Lilly's picture

ROFL!!!!!!

I'll comment someday when i finish laughing just thinking about this episode XD

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Big Ben is... big.

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Peter's picture

A Quick Effort

[mmng2:7034 class=left]

Click to enlarge. How’s that? :)

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“Have you not heard that I determined it long ago? I planned from days of old what I now bring to pass …” –Isaiah 37:26, ESV

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Mariel 7's picture

LOL!

Leela's right. That's HILARIOUS XD

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The rest is simple. The gremlins went back down to their secret lair and shaved Fox.

-Fopsworth, The Chatboat

SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano

Heh heh heh...

He definitely looks smug.

------------------------------

"Technology is lovely when it works."

-my chemistry professor

Everything looks perfect from far away.

oh, wow

Dipkiss: Some of us have been working ’round the clock for years now to build a fully-functional, artificially-intelligent computational device out of nothing but various combinations of soda.

Malex: That will never work!

Malex's tone in his reaction is so funny!!! He's so bewildered by the insanity of the man's preposterous and outlandish idea, and his tone reveals that he's trying really hard to make the man see how ridiculous he's being. His tone is at once desperate and matter-of-fact. It's hilarous!

Dipkiss: Wouldn’t you prefer to discuss this like reasonable adults?

One word: HYPOCRITE

:O :) :D :O :) :D :O :) :D

Wow! This episode really struck my funny bone! Ha! It's so funny, because there are ACTUALLY people out in the world who talk just like this about subjects at least as ridiculous as the cosmic significance of soda bubbles!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Marvelous!

This dog is a scream!

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

Hehehe

Yep… :P

I’m glad you enjoyed it Noble Wisdom! XD

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“Have you not heard that I determined it long ago? I planned from days of old what I now bring to pass …” –Isaiah 37:26, ESV

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

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