Doctor Elliot Dipkiss returns, speaking pretentiously about soda pop. Is there no rest from the madness?! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think.
Malex can’t take it any more, and frankly I don’t blame him. But I’m just not sure that murdering Doctor Elliot Dipkiss is the answer we’re all desperately seeking.
The fact is that soda has no potential for use as a focusing matrix for detecting new age energy disturbances. And it certainly won’t be functioning as an artificially-intelligent computational device any time soon.
Although his points aren’t reasonable at all, Dipkiss presents them confidently. Which to many is just as good. After all, truth is relative, right? Just believe what the bubbles tell you to believe.
On a different – but equally interesting – subject, I originally had no intention of including Doctor Elliot Dipkiss in this episode. It was originally intended to be Mike who showed up spouting irregularities. (As he often does.)
The problem was, although the material was funny, it just didn’t feel like Mike. I was about one third of the way through the script, and the lines didn’t sound like Mike. So I took a step back and tried to figure out what character I was thinking of, and it quickly hit me. Doctor Elliot Dipkiss! Mister Pretension! Of course.
So I wrote Mike out, wrote Dipkiss in, and all was right with the world.
“In other words, I think you’re a monster.”
Malex: Hey everybody, you’re just in time for the Malex Minute!
Snufflefungus: Not that guy! He’s been waiting for hours!
Linus: Malex! When are you going to take responsibility for your own actions?
Linus: Your face gives me the willies! Something must be done!
Malex: We’re not changing my face.
Linus: Can’t blame me for trying.
Malex: Yes I can.
Snufflefungus: So, something new and fascinating has come to my attention!
Linus: What? Is there anything you’re not fascinated by?
Snufflefungus: I am speaking, of course, about the magic of pop! Also know by the unwashed heathens as ‘soda!’
Malex: Uh, sorry guys, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He did not mean to call you unwashed.
Linus: (Cheerful) Although you really do reek!
Snufflefungus: This new drink has all the kids talking, so I thought we should talk about it too!
Linus: Malex, he wants to talk about soda. There is clearly no hope for the show’s future.
Malex: Snufflefungus, I’m not sure there’s much to say about soda that hasn’t already been said.
Snufflefungus: If anybody can say things about soda that have never been said, it’s world-renowned Pop Expert and Professor of Sodal Studies at the local community college, Doctor Elliot Dipkiss!
Dipkiss: Hey everybody, thanks so much for the warm welcome!
Linus: Get out and never return.
Dipkiss: As your furry friend mentioned, I do teach about soda pop at the local university.
Malex: That must be a short class.
Dipkiss: Oh no! It’s quite fascinating, really. You can dive into the material, and keep diving, and simply never emerge!
Linus: That’s called ‘drowning.’
Dipkiss: There’s just so much ground to cover. We offer dozens of classes on the subject, and I’m afraid we barely even scratch the surface.
Malex: I’m sorry, Dipkiss, are we talking about the same soda here?
Dipkiss: Aren’t we?
Malex: I mean, you know… That simple stuff that comes in bags of syrup and gets mixed with carbonated water at a fountain?
Dipkiss: You know, there’s been a lot of lively debate about that in the academic world of late.
Linus: I’m speechless.
Snufflefungus: Those bubbles! They’re so tickly! When I discovered soda yesterday, it was the bubbles I fell in love with!
Malex: Snuffy, you had a soda last week. And the week before that. And, actually, lots of times before that.
Snufflefungus: Yes, but I never really discovered it before.
Linus: I’m more interested in this debate. How can there possibly be any debate about soda? It’s so screaming simple.
Dipkiss: Well yes, that’s right in practice, but in theory, it’s so much more complicated.
Malex: I have to admit, Snuffy was right. You are saying things about soda that have never been said before.
Dipkiss: Why thank you. That’s– That’s possibly the nicest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.
Malex: I’m terribly sorry.
Dipkiss: See, there are some camps that suggest the bubbles represent far more than just carbon dioxide coming out of solution. In some camps, those bubbles are claimed to be the result of human souls churning about the afterlife in a dimension tangential to our own.
Malex: (Sarcasm) Actually, I’m more of the opinion that the bubbles are representative of the swirling multitude of problems in society.
Dipkiss: I see you’re no stranger to the subject yourself! In fact, I am largely a proponent of the same view.
Linus: I can’t believe we’re listening to this.
Snufflefungus: (Serious) Linus, a little respect please, these truths changed my life.
Linus: Since yesterday?!
Dipkiss: One of the merits of soda is its high energy content. When properly prepared, it functions as a focusing matrix, allowing it to be sensitive to even the most subtle of disturbances in the space around it.
Linus: So the bubbles form in response to those disturbances?
Linus: Actually, this is starting to make some sense.
Malex: (Frustrated.) You can’t be serious!
Dipkiss: So by carefully observing the formation and movement of these bubbles, we can learn something about ourselves as creatures on this planet.
Malex: (Getting increasingly frustrated.) No we can’t!
Dipkiss: Some of us have been working ’round the clock for years now to build a fully-functional, artificially-intelligent computational device out of nothing but various combinations of soda.
Malex: That will never work!
Dipkiss: I don’t think I like your tone, sir. I’ll have you know we’re very close to a breakthrough. I saw the signs in my soda bubbles at breakfast.
Snufflefungus: The man knows his bubbles!
Malex: That’s it! We’re done! Get out!
Dipkiss: Wouldn’t you prefer to discuss this like reasonable adults?
Malex: I’m turning off my recording now, so there won’t be any witnesses if you’re still here in five seconds and I’m forced to kill you.
Dipkiss: Oh no, you wouldn’t do that–
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.