Linus sees red when faced with goofy green bunnies. Sound familiar? Not to us either! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
There’s magic in the air when Linus gets mixed up with green grocery store mascot bunnies! And that magic is the sweet, sweet despair of unbridled rage.*
Seriously, though, who knew Linus would suffer a visceral reaction like that? Whatever the cause, he’ll need to get over it. Otherwise he’ll never survive his new job…
Speaking of jobs, whose job is it to come up with all the cutesy little marketing materials that retailers tend to inundate you with while you’re in their store? To me, the whole process is vaguely insulting. After all, I’m already in their store. Assaulting my soul with quick quips and cute cartoon figures is very unlikely to entice me to venture deeper into their store’s threatening maw. In fact, quite the reverse may be true.**
I should direct your attention to the illustration for this week’s episode. Peter has done an excellent job, as usual. But this illustration seems special to me. There’s a certain horrifying quality to the visual juxtaposition that makes you wonder, while you’re laughing out tears, if you’re a bad person for doing so. Fortunately, the answer to that question is simple: Yes, you are a bad person. Feel shame.
But Linus is only getting what he deserves, right? So it’ll all turn out alright in the end.
“Hey, hey! This don’t look very decent to me, son!”
* - Try not to think about it too hard. It doesn’t stand up to much in the way of scrutiny. Also, your brain might get injured.
** - Although, to be fair, I have an unusually low tolerance for such inanity.
Malex: Hey everybody, welcome to the Malex Minute Quarter Ten Finale!
Snufflefungus: We’re a hundred and thirty today! Yay!
Malex: That’s right, we’re up to Episode 130, because this episode wraps up Quarter Ten, and there are always thirteen episodes in a quarter!
Snufflefungus: Numbers are like honest and reliable friends!
Malex: So, today I thought we’d talk about a very interesting item in the local news.
Linus: No! It didn’t happen!
Snufflefungus: But the TV never lies!
Malex: That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen, Linus was almost arrested while leading a protest at the local grocery store.
Linus: It was a peaceful protest!
Malex: Which explains all the running and screaming I saw on the news.
Linus: I couldn’t help that, the manager was trying to defend his store with a gun of all things.
Malex: So what was the occasion for the protest again?
Linus: You already know!
Malex: But the listeners don’t.
Linus: I don’t want to talk to you!
Snufflefungus: Linus is upset that the grocery store is changing its mascot to a green bunny!
Malex: So he is, Snufflefungus, so he is.
Linus: It’s perfectly normal to have an uncontrollable swell of rage at the sight of a green bunny!
Malex: No it isn’t.
Snufflefungus: I think bunnies are cute!
Linus: This bunny isn’t cute, it’s horrifying! It’s all green! And it has buck teeth! And long ears!
Malex: The entertainment just flows out of you, doesn’t it?
Linus: I’m glad somebody’s amused!
~~ Heavy Knocking
Snufflefungus: (Excited) Oh, somebody’s at the front door!
~~ Malex opens the door.
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Good afternoon.
Snufflefungus: Hi, mister! Hi! Will you be my friend?!
Malex: Uh, Snuffy…
Mr. Slaggenbroth: No! I don’t like friendship!
Malex: Uh, are you sure you’re a human being?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Oh, personal questions now?
Malex: Can I help you with something?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Yes. I’m looking for this troublemaker. I have it on good authority that he lives here.
Malex: That’s a picture of Linus!
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Is he here?
Snufflefungus: Sure! He’s in the living room, trying to burrow an escape tunnel through the side wall!
Malex: Linus, come over here!
Linus: Everything out of his mouth is a lie!
Malex: I’m– I’m sorry, mister…?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Slaggenbroth. Edward 3 Slaggenbroth. I own the grocery store in town.
Snufflefungus: (Whispering loudly.) Linus, is that one of his lies?
Malex: Uh– I’m– Uh, did you say, “Edward 3 Slaggenbroth?”
Mr. Slaggenbroth: My parents really liked the name Edward, so all my siblings had the same name. I was the third.
Malex: I’m so sorry, that must have been hard.
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Not so bad for me, my two older sisters had it worse.
Malex: Oh. Um, so what sort of trouble did Linus cause this time?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: He broke into my store!
Linus: And now the lies start!
Snufflefungus: Linus! How could you?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Yes, he broke into my store and stole all traces of our new green bunny mascot!
Mr. Slaggenbroth: He spray painted all the bunny posters, tore down all the rotating paper maché bunnies above all the aisles, set fire to the singing animatronic bunnies inside the entrance, took an axe to–
Malex: I think we get the point. Uh, do you have proof of these accusations?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: I have surveillance video!
Snufflefungus: Linus! What did those cute bunnies ever do to you?!
Linus: I couldn’t stand it! Every time I saw one of those goofy things, I saw everything that was wrong with the world! I had to tear them down!
Malex: Linus, these are serious charges. Mr. Slaggenbroth, how much will the damage cost to repair?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Three thousand, five hundred of your American dollars!
Malex: Well Linus, can you pay it?
Linus: Of course I can’t pay it! I spent all my money buying cotton candy to feed to the children at the petting zoo!
Snufflefungus: I’ll pay it! I have lots of money! I don’t want my friend to go to jail!
Malex: Snuffy, that’s very kind of you, but Linus has to learn a lesson here.
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Well that’s it then, I’m going to call the police and have them press charges! That is, uh, unless…
Malex: Uh– Unless what?
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Well, if this Linus were to work for me for free for eleven weeks, that would about cover it.
Linus: What?! I’m not–
Malex: That sounds like a very generous offer! Of course Linus will take you up on it.
Mr. Slaggenbroth: Wonderful! Here is your green bunny costume. I want you on the sidewalk in front of the store, dancing up and down the street all day for the next eleven weeks. Starting tomorrow.
Linus: (Strangled scream.) No! Not the bunny!
Snufflefungus: Oh Linus, it’ll be so much fun! The cute bunny costume will teach you how to be happy again!
Mr. Slaggenbroth: And remember. If you’re five minutes late, I’ll call the police on your silly bum.
Malex: Thanks so much for your generosity, Mr. Slaggenbroth! We hope you have a wonderful day!
~~ Malex closes the door.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.