The ‘Riding Squirrel’ appears. But which one? And why? Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
The presence of a “Tall Green Riding Squirrel” was originally theorized in 1954 by a team of scientists at Cambridge. Their work was initially derided by the scientific community as a complete work of fiction, but we now have incontrovertible proof of Tall Green Riding Squirrel’s existence. In fact, we have seen this elusive creature with our own ears.
The relationship between the Little Red Riding Squirrel and the Tall Green Riding Squirrel is thus: Tall Green Riding Squirrel exhibits properties of exaggerated height when compared with the less elongated, more rotund Little Red Riding Squirrel. Furthermore, Tall Green Riding Squirrel is found to don clothing which primarily reflects light of a wavelength of approximately 525 nanometers, whereas the woefully inadequate coverings of the Little Red Riding Squirrel tend only to reflect light of a wavelength of approximately 665 nanometers.
Nothing is known about the more personal aspects of the relationship between Little Red Riding Squirrel and Tall Green Riding Squirrel. No credible researcher has ever submitted a detailed report on the subject, and no credible research is currently being performed. In fact, many states have banned such research entirely.
Despite our initially-strong misgivings, we present this Malex Minute episode as evidence for the veracity of these claims. We hope your morbid, disgusting curiosity is hereby satisfied.
“It was later discovered that all the victims of the outbreak had a penchant for eating squirrel brains.”
Malex: Hey there Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Malex Minute!
Snufflefungus: I’m the Snufflefungus, and Malex is hosting the show!
Linus: (Sarcastic.) Nice work confusing the listeners again. Why don’t you shoo them away with a gun? That would be quicker and more painless.
Malex: I am Malex, for any new listeners. There see, Linus? It’s all cleared up now.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Hi there! Anybody care for a breath mint?
Snufflefungus: It’s Little Red Riding Squirrel again! Only you’ve lost weight! And grown taller! And you’re trying out a new color…?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Ah ah ah! I’m not Little Red Riding Squirrel, I’m Tall Green Riding Squirrel!
Linus: There’s another one of you? Hey Malex, if we rebuild the spaceship, can we move away from the planet and wait for Armageddon?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: But everybody knows a watched pot never boils!
Malex: I don’t think that applies.
Snufflefungus: Oh, I proved that wrong once! I was watching a pot, and I made it boil! With my mind!
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: So how safe would you say this house is?
Snufflefungus: Well we’ve never had anyone break in…
Linus: Except Snufflefungus.
Snufflefungus: Well we’ve never had any burglars break in…
Linus: Except that one time.
Snufflefungus: Well, none of us has been harmed during a break in.
Linus: Except that one guy who used to be our roommate.
Snufflefungus: Well we’ve never had anyone break in specifically to harm us.
Linus: Except that giant horde of… Oh never mind.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Sounds like you’ve got a nice place here.
Malex: So what do you want?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Me? (Laughs nervously.) Why do you ask?
Malex: Well you know, I don’t normally pry, but you are in my house.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Oh of course! I apologize. My goodness, how could I be so stupid.
Malex: No, it’s okay–
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’m so sorry! What a terrible person I am! Can you ever forgive me? I’m so so sorry!
Malex: Really, it’s fine. Please stop grovelling.
Linus: Malex, shall I fetch the pistol?
Malex: No, Linus, we–
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Can you give me a job here? Please? I’ll do anything.
Snufflefungus: Do you know how to play toy soldiers? I need help with that.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Oh, I like doing–
Linus: Ooh, I know! You can keep an eye on the dishes while they’re in the dishwasher. You know, to prevent them from flying around and breaking.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Wouldn’t I need to be inside the–?
Malex: As intriguing as the offer is, I don’t think we need any help.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: You don’t need to pay me. I just want to help.
Malex: No, no really, we don’t need any help.
Snufflefungus: But Malex, the toy soldiers?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I understand, I guess I’ll be leaving then.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s’a me, Little Red Riding Squirrel! Ah, there you are, Tall Green Riding Squirrel! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!
Linus: Of course! I knew there was a connection!
Malex: What? What exactly did you know? And how?
Linus: Well, not much really. I just wanted to say that. But there is a connection!
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Why yes, Little Red Riding Squirrel and I go way back.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yes, so let’s just go home, shall we?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: No! I mean, I was just about to have tea with these gentlemen.
Linus: No you weren’t. Leaving is fine.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Well I’m not done running errands anyway. So I’m not going back for a while.
Snufflefungus: Those errands. They’ll get you every time…
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Little Red Riding Squirrel, you’re not still mad… about the curtains… are you?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Do we have to do this here? I’m not mad, I’m just upset.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: What’s the difference?!
Malex: Um, guys, I’m trying to run a show here. Can you two take this outside?
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: No, it’s dark and cold outside. Inside is best.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Let’s just go. We can work this out like adult squirrels.
Linus: Yes, please go.
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: No!
Malex: It might be best.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Come on!
Tall Green Riding Squirrel: He beats me! Don’t let him take me away!
Linus: (Incredulous.) Are you serious?! You’re twice his size!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s not true! I’m’a good to my Tall Green Riding Squirrel!
Malex: Why do these things always happen near me?
Linus: Don’t sweat it, Malex. Just send them away and go on with your life.
Snufflefungus: But… Malex!
Malex: I can’t believe I’m about to say this. Green face, you can stay here until things cool down. Red-wad, you’re gonna have to leave.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Aw, but I–
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Fine! But you haven’t seen the last of me!
Malex: Yes, we know you’ll never really be gone.
Linus: Exactly, we’ve given up all hope of a brighter future.
Snufflefungus: Hey, Tall Green Riding Squirrel! Let’s go play toy soldiers!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.