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Malex Minute 119

Salmonella in tomatoes?! What horror! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

When I heard about tomatoes being linked to a series of salmonella outbreaks across the nation, I simply couldn’t believe my luck. Not because my favorite restaurants had pulled tomatoes from the menu, and certainly not because people were falling ill, but because, under these circumstances, a Malex Minute episode practically writes itself!*

Despite how it sounds, we did in fact script real, grammatically correct lines for the horrifying manifestation of disease which stars in this episode. You won’t find those lines in the transcript because they’re not particularly relevant to the story. And because wondering is always funnier. Also, I happen to enjoy tormenting people incrementally. (After another few decades of this you’ll all be begging me for mercy, just you wait…)

There’s been talk of me making another trek to the SIGGRAPH conference this year. This time, however, I would likely be bringing Peter with me. The main fascination for me should be the academic value of the conference and the possibility of making connections with industry professionals. Instead, I seem to be primarily fascinated by the prospect of spending a week in a new time zone.

Yes, I’m actually looking forward to the experience of jet lag. You’ll get over it.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Then it was done. The valve had been turned, and it could never be unturned. Imagining the consequences turned out to be too much for him, and he wept quietly as the world slowly spun down the drain and out of sight.”

* - A lie. Peter wrote the initial draft of this episode, so it only seemed like it wrote itself from my ignorant and childish perspective.

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody and welcome to Malex Minute 119! I’m Malex and I’ll be hosting the show for today.

Linus: It’s going to be a terrible day today. I just know it.

Malex: Well of course it will if you’re already complaining about it! Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Linus: No, this time I have a reason.

Malex: Really?

Linus: Today is Friday the thirteenth!

Malex: Oh Linus, don’t be superstitious.

Linus: Hey, if you’re allowed to believe in prophecies, I’m allowed to believe in superstitions!

Malex: Prophecy– No, the prophecy was your– … (Sighs.)

Linus: I win.

Malex: So anyway, I heard in the news they’ve been finding salmonella in tomatoes.

Snufflefungus: Isn’t that a kind of fishie? What would a fishie want inside a tomato?

Linus: No Snuffy, that’s only the uncooked kind of fishie.

Malex: Salmonella is a bacterial disease.

Snufflefungus: Oh. So, we had a bacterial disease for dinner at the fish place last week?

Linus: Yes–

Malex: No, that was salmon.

Snufflefungus: Right, the bacterial disease!

Malex: No, salmon is a fish, salmonella is a disease. Hear the difference?

Snufflefungus: So, salmonella isn’t the name for a girl fishie?

Malex: No, female salmon are just called salmon.

Linus: But there are correlations between females and parasitic, potentially fatal bacterial infections! Ask Malex, he knows all about it!

Malex: … Are you a lunatic?

Linus: Wouldn’t you like to know!

Malex: Back to the subject at hand, salmonella in tomatoes…

Linus: All the experts agree that Ohioville is particularly vulnerable to this issue!

Snufflefungus: I’m not so sure I wanna eat any more tomatoes.

Malex: Oh it’ll be okay Snufflefungus, the problem will go away eventually. Then you’ll be able to eat tomatoes again.

Linus: I’ll go look for a cage with steel bars to put the tomatoes in that we have now, so that we’ll be safe from salmonella.

Snufflefungus: (Frightened.) What will happen if we don’t put the tomatoes in a cage?

Malex: Nothing. We would have to eat the tomatoes to get sick from them. They aren’t going to do any harm by themselves with nobody around.

Linus: Just look at them. Aren’t they nice-looking tomatoes? Plump and juicy… But they’re sick tomatoes.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Snufflefungus: (Yelp of surprise.) Malex, one of the tomatoes started talking!

Malex: What?

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: Oh my.

Malex: What is it saying?

Snufflefungus: I can’t understand it!

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: The– The illness is manifesting itself in a horrible parody of human speech! (Slightly losing his cool.) It’s … so unnatural!

Malex: Okay, nobody touch it! I’ll get… a bag, or something.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: Maybe you’d better hurry up with that, Malex!

Snufflefungus: I’m scared.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Malex: Okay, here we go.

Snufflefungus: Easy now, easy…

Malex: Got it!

Tomato: (Muffled.) (Nonsense.)

Linus: (Panicked.) Quick, get rid of it!

~~ Malex runs outside.

Snufflefungus: There he goes!

Linus: I wonder what he’s planning to do with it?

~~ Outside with Malex.

Malex: Say, you there!

Man: Who, me?

Malex: Yes sir.

Man: What is it?

Malex: Would you take this bag from me for five dollars?

Man: What for?

Malex: So it won’t be in my possession anymore.

Man: What’ll I do with it?

Malex: Well that’s entirely up to you, isn’t it?

Man: Well, alright…

Malex: Thank you. Here is your five dollars. Goodbye!

Man: Great. Now I have a bag I’m too afraid to open. Again. I’ve gotta start thinking these things through.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

NameSizeAction
Episode Audio3.04 MB Download Now - 3.04 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration196.23 KB Download Now - 196.23 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

Wow

That was completely and totally the biggest bunch of nonsense I have ever seen, and I loved it!!! It makes me laugh at this early hour. Thanks for the laugh. By the way thanks Malex for your answers to my questions, they helped a lot. See you next week. Also love the artwork Quartz. Keep up the good work.

..............................

Mike- Hey Bob, you know what I hate?

Bob- What’s that Mike?

Mike- Giant Snakes that pop out of nowhere and kill ya.

Bob- You know, I hate those too.

“Crash.”

Random guard tower guy- Wow, good thing that was the guard tower next to us.

Mike- Hey Bob, you know what I hate?

Bob- What’s that Mike?

Mike- Giant Snakes that pop out of nowhere and kill ya.

Bob- You know, I hate those too.

“Crash.”

Random guard tower guy- Wow, good thing that was the guard tower next to us.

Peter's picture

Well

Thank you very very much! XD It’s great to know you enjoyed it!

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Lilly's picture

LOL!

I laughed alot at this episode! The tomato sounded like it had swallowed President Anchorman!

One thing though-Linus: But there are correlations between females and parasitic, potentially fatal bacterial infections!

I'm not sure what to think of that

----------------

I'm waiting for a handsome prince.

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Too funny!!!

You guys just keep getting better! This is so funny!! I don't know how I can possibly pick a favorite part. The whole exchange between our heroes beginning at the beginning and ending with Linus', "Wouldn't you like to know?" is some of the funniest I've heard.

The garbled nonsense of the sick tomato was hysterical. I laughed so much, I had to listen to the episode twice.

I love the picture, Quartz.

Yet again I say great work, everyone!

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Lilly's picture

i take that back

It sounds like the tomato ate President Anchorman and Jeffery.

----------------

I'm waiting for a handsome prince.

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Peter's picture

Well...

Linus: But there are correlations between females and parasitic, potentially fatal bacterial infections!

Lilly said:

I'm not sure what to think of that

Clearly Linus is just being a moron again. :P No sane person could think such a thing.

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Peter's picture

Hehehe

Thank you very much SangMing, I’m so glad you liked it! XD And yeah it does kinda sound like that, doesn’t it Lilly? Hehe...

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Crying with laughter.

I love the tomato! Occasionally, I thought I could understand a word or too. But that just made it funnier! Nice illustration. I love the look on Linus' face. But I think my favorite part has to be the ending and how Malex got rid of the baggie.

------------------------------

"He speaks of Meow."

"Just feed the cat."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

haha

Man: Great. Now I have a bag I’m too afraid to open. Again. I’ve gotta start thinking these things through.

i thought this part was really funny. it sounds like something that would happen to me 0.0

My brother was listening in on the minute whilst playing a video game and at the point where the tomato started talking, he got this look on his face that said "what in the name of all things fuzzy are you listening to?" he said something similar to that, but i had to censor it... 0_0

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two things that a guy cannot look manly while doing:

1) Drink from a straw

2) Apply chapstick

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous.

Susie Markley's picture

LOL! =-D

This episode was one of the best ones in a while! XD I love the tomato! It's SO stinkin' hilarious!

I also LOVED this line/how amazingly it was delivered by Foppy: Man: Great. Now I have a bag I’m too afraid to open. Again. I’ve gotta start thinking these things through.

Haha...XD

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They suddenly and quite painfully, became Siamese twins.

#HowManyLicksDoesItTake to change a lightbulb?

Peter's picture

Well

Thank you all very very much! :D I’m so glad you all like it! XD

DragonManJ13 said:

My brother was listening in on the minute whilst playing a video game and at the point where the tomato started talking, he got this look on his face that said "what in the name of all things fuzzy are you listening to?"

Hahaha... XD That’s great!

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Victory!

"he got this look on his face"

Seems like this is always peoples' first reaction to the Minute.

------------------------------

"He speaks of Meow."

"Just feed the cat."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Peter's picture

*lol*

Yeah...

-------

“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Peter's picture

BTW

Beautiful avitar, DragonMan! :D

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

^.^

Beautiful avitar, DragonMan! :D

thanks you!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two things that a guy cannot look manly while doing:

1) Drink from a straw

2) Apply chapstick

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous.

The Funniest

After listening to this episode for the third time and laughing just as much as the first time, I've decided that this is, in my opinion, the funniest Malex Minute episode ever!

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

New Record!

***Cheers! XD

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Serendipity becomes real when you trust in God. :)

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Gabriel's picture

Question/Contest

Can anyone guess what the tomato was really saying? Yes, there were actually lines written for the tomato but they were left out of the transcript because he garbled them so much. So I thought I'd make it a contest. The first one to guess any of the lines of the poor tomato wins! (What, I don't know but who cares!) Good luck and good hunting for those who try! :D

If you always know that the worst can happen at any moment then you are very rarely surprised. - Me

God answers my prayers. He lifts me up. He gives me my breaths and refills my cup.

*gives Foppy a funny look*

I give up.

------------------------------

"He speaks of Meow."

"Just feed the cat."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

In the bag

When Malex first puts the tomato in a bag, it says something I can't understand, then follows it with, "You sick pigs better let me go."

------------------------------

I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

Hehehe

Close, but not quite. :D

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Serendipity becomes real when you trust in God. :)

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

hm...

At one point I think I heard the word bacon but I can't listen to it again because my computer's speakers won't work.

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I have one word for you... *stands on stool with Aisling's cloak... LOOM!!!!!

Graduation is coming, everybody grab your caps and gowns!

Peter's picture

Hmm...

That’s a shame… :-\

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“… But as for me, I trust in [God.]” –Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

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