The second half of a story arc wherein a crazy, crazy monster mails itself to Malex’s house. Madness! Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
Traditionally speaking, we try to avoid using any sort of post-processing to create the voices in the Malex Minute. Most types of voice alteration leave tell-tale artifacts in the finished product. Furthermore, as a voice actor who takes some pride in his craft, I generally consider it ‘cheating’ to use voice alteration at all.
But let the record state that, despite the heavy voice effects, (or perhaps because of them) the monster’s voice in this episode is absolutely hilarious.
I should also point out, for the curious among us, that we were planning to do this episode since before last episode was released. It may seem completely random and poorly-conceived, but both episodes were planned ahead of time. In fact, the script for this week’s episode started life as the last half of Malex Minute 114. It wasn’t split off into a separate script until very late in the production process.
Peter wrote the original script, which was very long already. And as I went over the script, editing for structure, flow, and humor, the episode continued to balloon in size. Meanwhile, we were barreling toward our production deadline for last week, and I realized that even if we were comfortable releasing a super-sized episode, we wouldn’t have time to produce it. So I made an executive decision and cut the episode in half.
Good thing, too, ’cause it’s hilarious this way.
For those of you who are panicking at the thought of another extended foray into continuity, I am here to assure you that the (so called) story arc is over now. Things will be returning to some semblance of normalcy next episode.
“Give me a hand over here, will you? I need to set this thing on fire.”
Narrator: Last time, on the Malex Minute…
Linus: Oh dear, things are happening!
Snufflefungus: And people are saying words!
Malex: There’s some sort of conflict leading up to a greater plot!
Linus: The suspense!
Narrator: And now, the terrifying conclusion.
~~ Malex opens the package, out of which the monster bursts, roaring loudly. Everyone screams a lot.
Monster: Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for opening that package and letting me out! I was so cramped I felt like an undeployed air bag!
Linus: But– But– But– But– But–
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful) You’re the monster, aren’t you?
Monster: Yes I am. I suppose they’re looking for me, ain’t they?
Snufflefungus: Yeah, we heard about you on the news!
Monster: Mailing myself here was such a great idea! That little red squirrel was right, this is a great place to mail random, frightening, and potentially dangerous things!
Malex: Suddenly, everything comes into sharp focus.
Linus: (Yelps.) Malex! It’s the monster!
Malex: Yes Linus.
Monster: Hey, you guys don’t mind if I hide out here for a while, do you? I’d sure appreciate it a lot! I really need a place to lay low for a bit.
Snufflefungus: Dinosaur says that you seem a lot more well behaved than they said on the television. You don’t seem dangerous at all!
Monster: Thanks, little dinosaur! I’m definitely not dangerous.
Snufflefungus: (Very surprised.) Hey! Dinosaur waved!
Linus: This is no time to play games, Snuffy! (Still shocked anew.) There’s the monster!
Snufflefungus: But I’m not, Dinosaur really waved!
Monster: Say, I’m pretty hungry too. Would you guys be willing to give me something to eat? I haven’t had a chance to eat since I escaped.
Malex: Um… Here’s a banana. You want something else too? Like some leftover chili or something?
Monster: Sure! Thanks! Be careful with that in the microwave though, I hear they have a tendency to get dangerously hot.
Malex: Yes, I’m familiar with the microwave. I’ll just nuke it for a minute or so, it’ll be nice and warm.
~~ Fire erupts out of the microwave.
Monster: See, those microwaves get dangerously hot.
Malex: But I hadn’t even touched it yet!
Linus: It’s an omen!
Malex: Well I guess you’re not having any chili.
Snufflefungus: Well at least you have your banana!
Monster: You wanna hear something neat? If you wedge a banana in your nose – peel and all – and sneeze really hard, it’ll rocket lemon slices all over the room!
Malex: I think you’re mistaken.
Monster: Here, I’ll show you, it’s so fascinating!
Linus: You really don’t have to…
Malex: Ah. Lemons.
Monster: I told you, isn’t it weird? It works because molecules sometimes have this tendency to break apart and reform into completely different substances. They call them ‘chemical reactions.’
Linus: (Disbelief.) What…?
Snufflefungus: Hey Malex, the couch has dissolved.
Malex: I see it has… It appears to have turned into wheat.
Monster: Oh, yeah. That’s too bad about your couch falling apart. They call that ‘gravity.’ It’s where the tension caused by the surface of an object actually makes it move. You should have made your couch out of something that would turn into rubber, so that it would fall upwards. Then chain it to the ground. That should keep it steady.
Snufflefungus: Malex, the rug just fell to the ceiling! And so did all the boots in the closet!
Linus: Help! Everything his deranged little mind thinks up comes true!
Malex: Mr. Monster, these things should not be able to happen. What are you doing to make them happen?
Snufflefungus: Dinosaur says, “Yes. Your definitions of gravity and chemical reactions are nontraditional.”
Monster: Well little Dinosaur, I’ve never heard any other definitions.
Dinosaur: I haven’t either. This is rather compelling evidence.
Snufflefungus: Malex, Dinosaur just spoke without any assistance!
Monster: Why don’t we open the window to get some fresh air?
~~ Monster breaks the window.
Linus: Um… There are coffee cups floating outside the window!
Coffee Cup 1: You’re quite right.
Coffee Cup 2: Quite right indeed.
Coffee Cup 1: Our porcelain is mixed from high-tension substances and low-tension substances.
Coffee Cup 2: The high-tension pulls upward, the low-tension pulls downward.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, upward and downward.
Coffee Cup 2: So here we are.
Coffee Cup 1: Floating.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, floating. Like that suspicious substance on the drink you just ordered.
Coffee Cup 1: Throw the suspicious drink away.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, throw it away. And never return to that seedy place.
Coffee Cup 1: That seedy, seedy place.
Dinosaur: I am made of wheat.
Monster: Hey, maybe you two coffee cups should come inside and stay safe from the falling bricks. There could be another Democratic Party any moment.
Malex: Hold it, hold it! No falling bricks! Do not think that, that’s a bad thing for you to think! And no coffee cups are allowed in this house!
Monster: You heard the man, no coffee cups are allowed … in this house!
Coffee Cup 2: Thank you for your kind invitation.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, thank you.
Malex: Wait, don’t come in! What part of, “No coffee cups are allowed in this house!” is unclear to you?!
Coffee Cup 1: Every part.
Coffee Cup 2: It’s quite unclear.
Coffee Cup 1: Quite unclear indeed.
Coffee Cup 2: For example, what are the ‘no’ coffee cups allowed to do once they come in your house?
Coffee Cup 1: Furthermore, we’re not no coffee cups. We specifically are coffee cups, so we’re confident that your statement simply doesn’t apply to us.
Monster: (Scholarly.) And in the absence of a clear interpretation, one must always assume an invitation to come in and stay for hours!
Monster: It’s always been this way.
Malex: I will not allow any coffee cups, including those two, to be inside this house!
Monster: But there aren’t any coffee cups here…
Malex: How do you figure?!
Monster: One coffee cup, plus one coffee cup, equals zero coffee cups!
Snufflefungus: Oh no!
Linus: Not again!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.