Just another day in the life of our heroes. Hopefully nothing weird happens… Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!
Today’s forecast? Sunny, with a side of crazy monster! Er, no, that doesn’t work. Ah, but I’ve already typed it… And typed it shall remain.
Mutilated metaphors aside, this week’s episode is downright humorous. And not that upper-arm ‘funny bone’ kind of humerus. This is the kind of humorous that can get you in trouble at school for laughing while the teacher is talking.
I know this. I was there.
By the by, you may find yourself in a position to notice some changes at our main web site, MalexMedia.Net.® These changes are all part of a campaign to clean up the cruft and enter a new phase of entertainment quality and site simplicity.
I would like to launch one or more new shows for you guys to enjoy, but as it stands we simply don’t have a place to put any new shows that doesn’t completely confuse new people.
For example, at MalexMedia.Net right now, one cannot navigate directly from one Malex Minute episode to another without literally guessing the URL and typing it in to the browser’s address bar. This is a process which, I imagine, would thwart potential new listeners.
And if, by some act of God, a new person were to find himself at a Malex Minute episode page, the current design of said page would require him to literally scroll past many screens full of text to find a fifteen pixel wide button which is the only way for a visitor to listen to the episode.
I’m not sure why this only occurred to me recently, but I’m tempted to suspect that placing the most important button at the very bottom of a long page constitutes a criminally bad design.
Needless to say, I’m hoping to apply some of the design simplicity from MalexMinute.com to MalexMedia.Net, so people don’t feel overwhelmed just looking at it. I would like nothing more than to have new visitors ‘accidentally’ stumble into one of our shows 99% of the time. (As opposed to tearing their eyes out and running away screaming…)
Thanks to the magic of hard work and tears, we’ll be there sooner than later.
“Quick! It’s raining on the toast!”
Malex: Hey there everybody, welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex and I’ll be hosting your show for today, along with Linus the artificial intelligence and Snufflefungus the fuzz!
Snufflefungus: I must stop you there, Malex. I have passed my aspirations to show-hosting greatness on to little Dinosaur here. He will be hosting the show with you today instead of me!
Malex: I’m not so sure about this, Snufflefungus…
Snufflefungus: Please, Malex? Please?
Malex: Oh, alright. Dinosaur may assist me in hosting the show this time–
Snufflefungus: Oh, thank you Malex! Dinosaur won’t let you down!
Linus: Malex, have you lost your tenuous grip on reality? Dinosaur is somewhat limited by his nature as a stuffed toy.
Snufflefungus: Dinosaur accuses you of racial and handicap discrimination– But he only gently scolds, like Malex does. Because Dinosaur is a well-composed show host, just like Malex.
Linus: (Extreme sarcasm.) Uh-oh, my discriminatory ways have been discovered. Now I’m in trouble.
Snufflefungus: That’s right.
Malex: Anyway Ladies and Gentlemen, I thought this week we could–
Linus: No one cares! We’re going to watch the news.
Malex: But– You know that’s very rude, don’t you Linus?
Linus: Yes, but I didn’t think you would mind. After all, my whims are your highest priority.
Malex: I’m so glad we’re all on the same page.
~~ Linus tunes television to the news.
President Anchorman: –so today I’m announcing the formation of a government-funded expedition to travel to the center of the Earth and find out why we keep falling toward it–
Linus: I’m going to go out on a limb and hope that some other news station will have something relevant to report.
~~ Linus tunes television to other news.
Reporter: –a crazy scientist laboratory in the area used for crazy experimentation with an especially crazy monster. Rumors have been spreading that a crazy monster-shaped hole that appeared in the laboratory’s southern wall two days ago was used in the monster’s escape and that the monster is now at large. See? It looks just like that. And if we spin it like that, it looks like a horsey! I love drawing, don’t you?
Linus: (Talking over the reporter.) Is that crayon? You’d think they could at least show some real footage.
Snufflefungus: Dinosaur says he likes to draw.
Reporter: Regardless, it cannot be stressed enough, this monster is believed to be especially crazy and extremely dangerous. There have even been reports that his crazed thoughts can take the hideous form of cold, hard reality. So be on the lookout for this monster! Stay in your homes and lock the door! Call the police if you spot the monster!
Linus: Great, more irrelevant news.
~~ Linus turns off the television.
Malex: Thanks for wasting our time, Linus. Still think your whims are, “our highest priority?”
Linus: Don’t you make me the bad guy! My whims won’t stand for it!
Snufflefungus: So, there isn’t any real monster, is there Malex?
Malex: Of course not, Snuffy.
Linus: How can you be sure? He could be lurking around outside even now!
Snufflefungus: (Frightened) Oh no… I know, Mr. Dinosaur. Thank you.
Linus: What does Dinosaur know?
Snufflefungus: Lots of things!
Malex: Linus, be quiet. The monster doesn’t even exist!
~~ Doorbell rings.
Linus: There he is at the door! He wants in so he can tickle us all!
Malex: Oh be quiet, Linus!
Linus: But it could be him! Admit it! You don’t know for absolutely sure!
Malex: How is that relevant?
Linus: Admit it!
Malex: So I don’t know for absolutely sure! How–
Snufflefungus: (Gasps) He’s gonna tickle us all!
~~ Slight pause.
Linus: (Malevolent sarcasm.) Why don’t you answer the door, Snufflefungus? I’m sure Malex is right. What are the odds that the hideous monster is really standing right there just waiting for a helplessly ticklish little fuzzball like you to open the door?
~~ Doorbell rings again.
Snufflefungus: (Shaky.) I don’t wanna answer the door.
Malex: (Angry.) Linus…
Snufflefungus: (Sudden resolve.) But Dinosaur says he is brave enough! Dinosaur will come to the rescue! Oh Dinosaur, just be careful!
Malex: There’s no need for any of this nonsense. The monster probably isn’t even real.
Snufflefungus: (Opens door slowly.) Dinosaur says, “Greetings! Who are you?”
Delivery Guy: Um… I have a package here… You there, behind the door? I need a signature, and I can’t get it from this stuffed dinosaur.
Malex: I told you guys! Snufflefungus, this is silly. It’s just the package delivery guy. I’m sorry about the confusion.
Delivery Guy: Just sign right there if you would, sir.
Malex: No problem.
Delivery Guy: So… It’s a nice day, isn’t it?
Malex: Yeah, very nice…
Delivery Guy: Yep, yep. Lovely weather.
Malex: So here you go.
Delivery Guy: Thank you very much sir… Say, while I’m here, would you be interested in a magazine subscription?
Malex: I’m sorry?
Delivery Guy: I’ve got a great selection of–
Malex: Uh, no, maybe next time.
Delivery Guy: We offer discreet delivery options, if–
Malex: No! For crying out loud– no! Goodness sake…
Delivery Guy: Alright, no need to get snippy. Good day.
Malex: (Closes door.) That was horrifying.
Linus: See Snuffy, I told you it was probably not the monster!
Snufflefungus: No! No you didn’t! You were saying that with your words, but you were saying exactly the opposite with your mouth!
Malex: Let’s just find out what’s in the package, alright?
Snufflefungus: Yes, Dinosaur says it’s very childish of you to argue, Linus.
Linus: And I say Dinosaur is a little cotton brain that doesn’t know childishness when it constitutes his very individuality.
Malex: Now let’s see, how does this open? Ah, pull-tab!
~~ Malex opens the package, out of which the monster bursts, roaring loudly.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.