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Malex Minute 111

Snuffy talks about hiding in the closet, Malex and Linus talk about ‘spooky’ numbers, and somebody calls our heroes at home. Give this episode a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Before you question our sanity, (or worse, our intelligence) we know very well that John Doe is not spelled like the word for bread’s larval stage. We were making a joke.

Interestingly, this situation with ‘Homestead DeKay’ is, in fact, based pretty specifically on our latest behind-the-scenes adventure. The Malex Media Network® is, apparently, the proud owner of a phone number previously used by some dastardly old man who racked up an unspeakable debt and skipped town.

Initial investigation seems to suggest that the evil old cuss ended up somewhere in Alaska. My personal theory is that he has retreated to some sort of ice fortress where he is plotting his next major fiscal irresponsibility e’en now.

Regardless, there are people who really want to talk to this man. To the point that their behavior in attempting to reach him borders on the psychotic.

They don’t even seem to care that he cannot be reached at our office. In fact, I spoke to one woman who genuinely wanted to know if we were interested in paying off this man’s debt ourselves, even after being fully convinced that we had nothing whatsoever to do with him.

It’s a sick, sick world out there, folks. Fortunately, the Malex Minute will always be there to poke fun at it.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here! I’m hosting the show–

Linus: Okay, that’s it!

Malex: I’m sorry?

Linus: You always say the same stupid thing! No matter what, you always open the episode with the same pointless sentence!

Malex: So?

Snufflefungus: Yeah, Linus, what’s your point?

Linus: Well, I… I…

Malex: I say it to help orient new listeners and provide a sense of stability, however fleeting that might be.

Snufflefungus: Makes perfect sense to me.

Linus: Okay, yeah. I see your point.

Malex: May I proceed?

Linus: If you must.

Malex: Thank you.

Linus: Please don’t.

Malex: … Why do I even bother to speak to you like an equal?

Linus: Because you have delusions of grandeur. Were you going to move on?

Malex: Anyway, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve been quite excited about our new short film, The Ruins of Mi’ren.

Snufflefungus: I’m excited about the movie too! I make my acting debut as “Hide in the Closet!” My character is very annoying, and has to be shooed away multiple times.

Linus: We remember.

Malex: Anyway, this new film quite impressively demonstrates our new special effects capabilities, so I highly recommend you watch it immediately.

Linus: Don’t bother. It’ll annoy Malex if you don’t, so just forget about it. As a personal favor to me.

Malex: That will never work! Nobody likes you!

Linus: Oh yeah?! I have my own fan club!

Malex: Yeah? You know, I’m pretty sure most other celebrities don’t have to resort to running their own fan clubs.

Linus: Hey, don’t knock it, it works! My fan club has members!

Snufflefungus: It’s true. Linus and I signed up together last week.

Malex: (Verbal nod.) I get it. So anyway, our new short film, The Ruins of Mi’ren, is available to watch for free on the Malex Media Network® site, MalexMedia.Net.®

Snufflefungus: Don’t forget to tell me how good you thought I was! We creative geniuses thrive on feedback.

Malex: Snuffy, I’m… I don’t think any of your… ‘scenes’ made the final cut.

Snufflefungus: Oh! That explains why I didn’t see myself in the film! Oh well.

Malex: Is that okay? I mean, you were never intended to–

Snufflefungus: Yeah, it’s okay.

Malex: Are you sure?

Snufflefungus: What are we talking about again?

Malex: Um… Well I was just asking if you’re sure that you want to have ice cream for dessert tomorrow.

Snufflefungus: Ah yes, that must be why I said, “Absolutely.”

Linus: Well, that was a tad convoluted. But whatever works, I say go for it.

Malex: Oh my goodness! I just realized, this is Malex Minute 111!

Linus: So?

Malex: So the next time all three digits line up will be one hundred and eleven episodes from now, Malex Minute 222!

Linus: Yeah. And four hundred and forty-four episodes from then will be Malex Minute 666, which lands smack-dab on Halloween, 2018! Won’t that be a treat?!

Malex: No it doesn’t… Malex Minute 666 lands on December 7th, 2018.

Linus: No way, are you serious? That’s so disappointing.

Malex: Yeah, you’re thinking of Malex Minute 661, which is actually on November 2nd, 2018. But, you know, that’s close enough, right? I mean, who could reasonably expect you, a computer, to be able to count that high?

Linus: (Screams) Do you have to take everything away from me?!

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: (Picks up phone.) Hello?

Johnny John Johnson: (Alarmingly quick.) Hello. This is John Dough from Grim Harvest Enterprises. Am I speaking to Mr. Homestead DeKay?

Malex: (Mildly stunned) Uh… Hold on. Johnny John Johnson?

Johnny John Johnson: (Still quick.) I am not an individual. I am representing Grim Harvest Enterprises. May I speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay?

Malex: But– There is no Homestead DeKay here. I think you must have a wrong number.

Johnny John Johnson: We’re sorry sir, good day. (Hangs up.)

Malex: That was weird…

Snufflefungus: Who was it?

Malex: Well I could’ve sworn that was Johnny John–

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: (Picks up.) Hello?

Johnny John Johnson: Hello. This is John Dough from Grim Harvest Enterprises. Am I speaking to Mr. Homestead DeKay?

Malex: Didn’t we just talk about this two moments ago? Where did you get our number?

Johnny John Johnson: Homestead DeKay provided this number as a valid contact number for himself. May I speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay?

Malex: I need you to take my number off your record for this Homestead DeKay.

Johnny John Johnson: Sir, enough with the obstruction. May I please speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay?

Malex: I’ve never heard of Homestead DeKay or Grim Harvest Enterprises! Do not call us–

~~ Phone disconnects.

Malex: He hung up on me.

Linus: It’s probably for the best.

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: (Picks up.) Hello?

Johnny John Johnson: Hello. This is John Dough from Grim Harvest Enterprises. Am I speaking to–

Malex: How do you spell your name?

Johnny John Johnson: May I speak to Mr. Homestead DeKay, sir?

Malex: If you hang up on me one more time I’m gonna file a complaint with the FCC so fast it’ll make your head spin.

Johnny John Johnson: There’s no need for that sir…

Malex: Why don’t you tell me how to spell your name and a number where I can reach your company. Why don’t you do that right now. That way, I might not have to hang up and call the FCC.

Johnny John Johnson: Very well, sir. Lemme look this up. One moment please… It’s J-O-H-N, D-O-U-G-H. And the number is one eight hundred five five five Grim.

Malex: Well that sounds fishy, doesn’t–

~~ Phone disconnects.

Malex: Alright, I’ll just call them right back. (Phone rings.)

Random Guy: Hello?

Malex: Yeah, hi. I was just speaking with a John ‘Dough’ who rudely hung up on me. Transfer me to him right this instant or so help me I’ll–

Random Guy: Don’t bother with the random threats sir, I can transfer you right away. Which John Dough were you speaking to?

Malex: What?

Random Guy: We’re all John Dough here!

Malex: Oh, that’s creepy. Now it’s my turn to hang up the phone. (Hangs up.)

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: (Exasperated.) What?!

Johnny John Johnson: (Prolonged menacing chuckle.) I know you’re there, Mr. Homestead DeKay…!

Malex: (Screams, hangs up.)

Linus: Well everybody, that’s about it for this episode. Homestead DeKay is still at large, Malex is foaming at the mouth, Snufflefungus is smelling all the peanut butter, and all is right with the world!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

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Episode Audio4.2 MB Download Now - 4.2 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration173.48 KB Download Now - 173.48 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

Creepy

I love the illustration. Especially of Linus.

Johny John Dough. :P Nice.

It’s a sick, sick world out there, folks. Fortunately, the Malex Minute will always be there to poke fun at it.

*salutes*

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"He speaks of Meow."

"Just feed the cat."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Phone phreaks

I've heard a lot about the insanity and cruelty of telephone collections people. I gather they sometimes make middle-of-the-night calls and shout at, swear at, and threaten people.

But enough about that. This episode was funny and the illustration was really delightful. I love the expression on Linus's face. I'm so glad Snuffy forgot about his disappointment before he had a chance to get...um...disappointed. He can sniff all the peanut butter he likes at my house!

That prolonged menacing chuckle of John Dough's was very intimidating. It made me think of Renfield in the original Dracula movie. AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

Linus should take heart in the fact that Episode 666 will land on December 7th. It might not be Hallowe'en, but it is a day that will live in infamy!

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

P.S.

the word for bread’s larval stage.

This is SO FUNNY!!! How can I ever look at bread the same way, now that I've got the mental picture of a loaf of uncooked bread squirming, grub-like, in the pan? 0_0 :-O :-(| X-|

Thanks, Malex. >:-(

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

Hehehehe

Aisling said:

I love the illustration. Especially of Linus.

Thank you! XD

SangMing said:

That prolonged menacing chuckle of John Dough's was very intimidating. It made me think of Renfield in the original Dracula movie. AAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!

*lol* :P XD I thought that bit was what really carried the episode, plot-wise.

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

yay!

Awesome job guys! If there are any more phone related insidents with Malex, I think he is going to need therapy! ;-) I have been called pretty much every night for the past few weeks by some company that wants a survey about the internet, and whenever they call, I always pick up!!!!!!! :-| >:-( X-| X-| X-| (:) ;-)

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Won't you torture me enouph tomorrow!

Graduation is coming, everybody grab your caps and gowns!

Peter's picture

Wow!

Have you tried telling them to put your number on their “do-not-call list?” I think it’s illegal for people like them not to maintain one.

The Royal Shortness said:

Awesome job guys!

Why, thank you! :-J

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

A Triumph! 11/5!

Johnny John Johnson: (Prolonged menacing chuckle.) I know you’re there, Mr. Homestead DeKay...!

Malex: (Screams, hangs up.)

Linus: Well everybody, that’s about it for this episode. Homestead DeKay is still at large, Malex is foaming at the mouth, Snufflefungus is smelling all the peanut butter, and all is right with the world!

I didn't think that this minute was horribly funny until these lines when my mom had to help calm me down enough to breath 'cuz i was laughing so hard!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

If someone tells you that there is no such thing as truth, they are telling you not to believe them.

A lie would have no sense unless the truth were felt as dangerous.

Peter's picture

*lol*

Thank you, I’m really glad! XD

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

hehehe

Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here! I’m hosting the show-

Linus: Okay, that’s it!

Malex: I’m sorry?

Linus: You always say the same stupid thing! No matter what, you always open the episode with the same pointless sentence!

X-D X-D X-D I understand that this is a rather trivial part of the episode, but I found it really amusing!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Peter's picture

:D

The details are just as important... XD

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“... But as for me, I trust in [God.]” -Psalm 55:23

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Mariel 7's picture

And on that note -

I like the intro ... and Linus can just go sulk in the corner and keep his opinions to himself from now on ;-)

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Moo.

... what you expected something deep and intellectual? What universe are you from?!

SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano

No, not really.

I doubt Linus will ever be able to keep his opinions to himself.

------------------------------

"He speaks of Meow."

"Just feed the cat."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Bad decision

It might be bad for the Minute if he did.

------------------------------

I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

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