Malex, Linus, and Snufflefungus have a party at a coffee shop! Can they go five whole minutes without somebody crashing the party and disrupting everything? Give it a listen and find out for yourself! Don’t forget to send us an email and let us know what you think.
What kind of idiots are we? The special kind… At least, that’s the working theory.
That party I’ve been going on and on about for weeks is finally done. It went very well by just about any standards. We crammed the coffee shop full of people, and everybody I’ve talked to said they had a blast.
As you probably already know (from reading my near-constant rambling on the subject), we were planning on recording this Malex Minute episode live at the party. That recording went very, very well, and it is presented here for you to hear… And see.
Yes, we filmed the presentation, and the video is hereby published for all to see. See it! And be glad.
You may wonder why this episode is being published a few hours late. (After all, the script and recording were both done a week ago.) The trouble is, I had no idea how much work it was going to be to post-process and release this episode. I underestimated the work severely. In fact, in my production notes for the episode, I had actually written, “No post-processing necessary for live production.”
Yes, apparently my brain is quite defective, because I didn’t realize until a few days ago that post-processing this episode would be many times harder than a normal episode.
Don’t get me wrong, it was definitely worth it. I’ll just be quite relieved to get back to a normal production schedule this week.
So yes, the party was a smashing success, and I’m tentatively looking forward to throwing another such bash some time after a year from now and before the great black fornever.
Keep an eye on my blog, as I will be posting pictures!
“I replaced your brains with aluminum. I’ll accept your gratitude now.”
Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here. Welcome to Malex Minute Quarter Nine! How do you like the new theme music?
Snufflefungus: I liked it! I couldn’t hear any difference!
Linus: (Uncharacteristically Cheerful) I liked it! It’s got rhythm and I can dance to it!
Snufflefungus: But Linus, I didn’t see you dancing!
Malex: Yeah, you never dance.
Linus: I always dance! I just, you know, dance in my mind where you can’t see me!
Malex: How pointless. So, for everybody joining us on the Internet, we’re recording this week’s episode live from the Smoothie Brews coffee shop in Pataskala.
Snufflefungus: (Whispers) And there are people watching us.
Linus: No, Snufflefungus, they’re not watching you, they’re actually studying you. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re in a cage. Being experimented on.
Snufflefungus: Sounds like fun!
Malex: … Right! Well, we’re having a party to celebrate the beginning of our third year–
Linus: No, it’s a party to celebrate the end of our second year.
Snufflefungus: I prefer my year half full. I guess that makes me an optometrist!
Linus: If you insist.
Malex: Boy, well, we’ve got a great show planned for you tonight. We’re going to be–
Snufflefungus: Malex, what are the plans?
Malex: I was just talking about them.
Snufflefungus: Can you say them again? I was distracted.
Linus: Aren’t you supposed to know this? You’re in the show!
Snufflefungus: Oh yeah, I remember my line! Knock knock!
Malex: Um… Who’s there?
Snufflefungus: I forget.
Malex: I– I forget who?
Snufflefungus: I forget…
Malex: I– I forget who?
Linus: Well if you don’t know who you’re talking about, how are we supposed to help?
Malex: Good save!
Linus: Thank you!
Snufflefungus: What just happened?
Malex: Uh, okay! Wait, wait, alright, alright, I have one. Alright, now, stop me if you’ve already heard this one before.
Malex: Okay, two guys walk into a bar, alright? The first guy says, “Barkeep! My friend needs a water!” Then the second guy turns to him and says, “Stop, dude, I’ve already heard this one before.”
Snufflefungus: (Awkward silence.) What? I don’t get it.
Malex: Well, you know… I said, “Stop me if you’ve already heard this one before…” The second guy, he’d already heard it before, so… Alright, never mind.
Linus: Ladies and gentlemen, a horrifying peak inside Malex’s mind!
Malex: Oh great, that’s exactly what I needed.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hey guys, I magically appearing somehow!
Malex: (Screams.) Arrgh! Er, that is, fancy seeing you here, Little Red Riding Squirrel!
Snufflefungus: Quick, everybody hide!
Malex: What are you doing here, anyway?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s’a party! I was invited!
Linus: Who in their right mind would invite Little Red Riding Squirrel?!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: You did!
Snufflefungus: (Gasps) Linus!
Linus: I did not! I sent out uninvitation cards to all our enemies!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yeah, that. I got that invitation card, and here I am!
Malex: Of course, of course.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: I like your new theme song…
Linus: Burn it.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: But I like mine better! (Starts singing.)
Snufflefungus: Please stop it!
Malex: No! Little Red Riding Squirrel, no!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: (Continues singing more quietly.)
Little Red Riding Squirrel: So I’ve had a great week this year! I imported lead-based toys from China and I sold them to all the unwitting childrens!
Linus: And thanks to your lead, they’ll be unwitting forever.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Exactly! Then I can take over the country and nobody will care!
Linus: Malex, can we just set him on fire?
Malex: No, no, Linus, we’re supposed to be kind to our enemies.
Snufflefungus: Yeah! Turn the other cheek!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Can I sit in your lap?
Malex: Absolutely not. Why don’t you go get some coffee and sit in the back somewhere.
Linus: Far away…
Snufflefungus: You know, it’s a good thing I don’t get stage fright, ’cause there are a lot of people here, and they’re, like, staring at me.
Linus: So? Get over it.
Snufflefungus: But, they’re laughing too.
Linus: (Comforting) Snufflefungus, they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you.
Malex: (Angry) Aw, Linus, right to the moon! I swear, right to the moon!
Linus: I’ve been to the moon, it’s nothing special!
Malex: It’s a figure of speech!
Linus: And you’re a figure of abject patheticism!
Snufflefungus: I’m pretty sure you just made that word up!
Coffee Cup 1: Excuse us.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, excuse us.
Snufflefungus: Coffee cups!
Malex: What are you doing here, coffee cups?
Coffee Cup 2: (Condescending.) This is a coffee shop.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, a coffee shop. Where else would you expect to find us?
Coffee Cup 2: Really, where else? I think this man is just as broken now as he was when we first met.
Malex: (Sarcastic) Nice to meet you too.
Linus: I hate to break it to you, utter freaks of nature, but you’re interrupting a very important show here.
Coffee Cup 1: (Offended) Oh, well!
Coffee Cup 2: Is this rodent yours?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hiya guys!
Snufflefungus: No. No, it is not.
Coffee Cup 1: Well it seems to think it is.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, we think so too.
Linus: Think anything you want, it won’t make you right.
Coffee Cup 1: How perverse!
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, incredibly perverse!
Coffee Cup 1: Doesn’t he realize that anything we think is right?
Coffee Cup 2: Well, except for that one time.
Coffee Cup 1: Haven’t I ever told you to shut up before?
Coffee Cup 2: Never.
Coffee Cup 1: Well I’m saying it now.
Coffee Cup 2: How perverse.
Malex: I’m sorry gentlemen, but we simply cannot take responsibility for Little Red Riding Squirrel’s presence.
Coffee Cup 1: Well, we find its existence offensive in the extreme.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, offensive. Like the foul, foul smell of fertilizer on the thick spring wind.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, the thick spring wind.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Thank you so much! In my mind, fertilizer symbolizes beauty and depth of character!
Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, why don’t you go bother somebody else?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay! I’ll go ruin the people next door!
Linus: We find him offensive too, but what are we supposed to do about it?
Coffee Cup 1: You don’t need to do anything about it at all.
Coffee Cup 2: Anything about it at all. Oh look, here comes our solution now.
~~ Door opens.
Mike: Hey everybody, some kind of party in here! Oh, hey, it’s Malex and that crazy legless talking dog of his!
Linus: This is your ‘solution?’
Snufflefungus: I’m not a dog!
Mike: That’s a good trick. That’s actually really funny. Good doggy. Here’s a treat.
Malex: Hello Mike, long time no see.
Mike: Not nearly long enough, ya’ freaks. So what are you guys doin’ here?
Malex: We’re… Trying to do a show.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully) We keep getting interrupted!
Linus: Actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that these interruptions are far more interesting than anything Malex had planned. Malex is a really dull person.
Mike: I’m sorry to hear about that. That’s too bad. So anyway, I was somewhat offended the other day. You know, I didn’t know anything about no party until I got one of these fancy uninvitation cards here. I gotta tell you, man. That hurt. (Points to heart.) It hurt right here.
Malex: Linus, who all did you send uninvitation cards to?
Linus: Most everybody.
Malex: Well, Mike, you’re here now, and that’s what matters most, right?
Mike: No. No, it’s not. I’m here on the job.
Snufflefungus: What do you do? For your job?
Mike: Pest control. I got a call to come here.
Linus: From who?
Coffee Cup 2: We called him.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: I got bored, so I came back!
Mike: Whoa! There’s a big one!
Mike: I got it, I got it!
~~ Fire and screaming.
Malex: So much for treating our enemies with kindness.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, there’s not much cheek left to turn there.
Mike: Just doin’ my job. No need to thank me.
~~ Door opens.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hi guys! What did I miss?
Linus: (Gasp) Arrgh!
Malex: Another one?!
Snufflefungus: Little Red Riding Squirrel, weren’t you dead a second ago?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: No, I’ve got infinite supplies of me!
Mike: Oh heck no, I ain’t doin’ this. No, he’s got some kind of cheat code or something.
Coffee Cup 1: We’ll pay you extra if you take them all out.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, extra. Double extra if you do it before sunrise.
Mike: Nope, I’m gone. See ya’ never.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully) Bye!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Will you pay me to do the job instead?
Coffee Cup 2: How perverse.
Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it looks like that’s all we have time for today. Thank you so much for being here, and we hope you’ll join us again next week at MalexMinute.com for more fun and madness!
Linus: Malex, can we leave? Now, perhaps?
Hey everybody, my name is Alex Markley, and I want to thank you all so much for coming to the Malex Minute Third Year Kickoff Party! All kinds of fun, eh?
I must apologize for that last song, I’m not sure… I’ll have to have a talk with the guy that put together the playlist. (Turns to Gabriel and glares.) Don’t you raise your eyebrows at me, I talk to myself all the time.
So again, thank you all for coming. I had a great time, and I hope you did too. Drive safely, and we’ll see you online at MalexMedia.Net!
(Peter whispers in Alex’s ear.) What? Hold on… I’m forgetting something? Oh yes, door prizes! How could I forget– (Peter shakes head and whispers in Alex’s ear again.) Oh right! We’re supposed to record a Malex Minute episode tonight!
So, two solid years of production. What a feat! We’ve been approaching this two-year milestone for a while. Two years, to be specific.
The skeptics, they didn’t think we would make it this long. They thought we’d give up and go home before the first six months. Frankly, I’m with the skeptics. I’m still confused as to how exactly we managed to produce and release a new Malex Minute episode every week for the past two years.
Now, some of those episodes weren’t as funny as others. Some episodes were released days late or completely deviated from our normal format.
One episode in particular stands out in my memory. As I recall, it consisted of barely more than thirty seconds of our characters screaming about flooding or some such nonsense. You might wonder, why did we do that? I’ll tell you. My studio literally flooded. We had to record the episode by screaming into my laptop’s tiny, built-in microphone, but we did what we had to do.
Given this, I am forced to conclude that neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night can stay these comedians from the swift completion of– Wait! That’s the postal service. But we’re pretty tenacious too.
Well, not tenacious exactly. More stouthearted. Or just stout. No, that’s not right either. Perhaps gummy, like something unpleasant sticking to your shoe. You know what? This analogy is terrible. I’ll have to have a talk with the guy who comes up with this nonsense.
A milestone this grand can’t very well go unobserved, so we were trying to think up something fun to do. It would have been great to just have a party, drink some smoothies, and play some games, but that’s not how I think. Man, I think big, so when we were talking about doing a party, the conversation almost immediately turned to doing a live show.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never delivered so much as a blank stare in front of a live audience, so doing a whole Malex Minute episode seemed like it would be practically impossible!
But we’ve been working very, very hard for the past several weeks, and now this evening is a reality. Or rather, it will have been a reality by the time it’s over. That is to say, the hard work paid off, and we have a pretty amazing show in store for you.
So what exactly is the Malex Minute? Probably many of you already listen every week, but maybe some of you don’t. So I’ll give a quick overview.
The Malex Minute is a weekly audio show which covers the life and times of Malex, Linus, and Snufflefungus – three guys who just want to get through each day without inadvertently offending some big men with clubs, bringing a horde of demons down on their town, or falling into some horrible alternate dimension.
As any regular listener will tell you, they usually fail at these sorts of tasks. And at much simpler ones too.
As for the characters themselves…
Malex is voiced by me. He’s a regular sort of guy with regular sorts of issues. He also has somewhat unusual issues. He also has downright unnatural issues. But let’s not sell the guy short. He’s a pleasant fellow. He does a lot of computer programming and he dabbles a bit in music, but most of the time he’s taking care of a sarcastic artificial intelligence named Linus and a cute little alien fuzzball named Snufflefungus.
Linus, voiced by my brother Gabriel, is an artificial intelligence that was designed to defend an alien network from hackers. When Malex hacked in anyway, Linus moved into Malex’s laptop and never really left. Linus is nice enough, and he’s loyal to his friends, but he’s quite abrasive and sarcastic. He also tells poor Snufflefungus lies about the world for fun. Nowadays, instead of living in a laptop, Linus is using a humanoid body which is projected from a mystical orb.
Snufflefungus, who is voiced by my brother Peter, is a cute little alien fuzzball who lost his memories and thought he might find them in Malex’s studio. We’re not really sure why, but there it is. He’s very childlike in nature, he’s always happy, and he can be somewhat gullible at times. He’s so sweet, now that he’s here, nobody really wants him to leave.
Now, if it was just these three guys sitting around talking all the time, we wouldn’t have a very exciting show, would we? Oh, but we have so much more than that.
We have a perpetually soused news anchor who thinks he’s the president. (Or is it a president who thinks he’s a news anchor?) Either way, we also have a terrifying squirrel-like creature who bursts in every now and then to cause trouble for our heroes. We have a customer service representative who would rather be murdering customers than helping them. And we have a pretentious old British fellow named Alex Markley who claims to be writing everything our characters say and do. We have good guys, neutral forces, and a slew of villains who just make life interesting for our heroes.
If that doesn’t sound like a good time to you, well, I’m very sorry. Good luck enjoying life. But if you’re interested, why don’t you sit back, relax, and enjoy Malex Minute 105!
(Cues up Old Theme Song.)
Hey, you know what? That old theme song has served our needs for a good long time. It’s great and all, but don’t you think it’s time for something new?
See what you think of this…
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Alex Markley
Illustrations: Peter Markley
Release manager: Alex Markley
Filming: Aisling and Lilly
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.