Welcome to the stunning conclusion of our unique story arc, wherein Santa’s integrity is highly suspect! Give it a listen and let us know what you think!
Christmas has come and gone, and so, now, has our final story arc of the year.
Yes, 2007 has finally gone. Or rather, it will have done soon… I, for one, do not miss it, as I don’t recall it being terribly productive. Or, for that matter, terribly interesting or upbeat. Perhaps 2008 will be better?
Right about now, we (SermonMP3s.com, which includes myself and my brother) are embroiled in Faithwalkers recordings! (Cue dangerous music.) See, every year, my company is hired to coordinate the recording of the conference seminars. We then publish them online for people to hear.
This is a lot of work, and it’s literally twice as much now because this year the conference is being held in more than one location scattered about the country.
It’s about enough to drive an already stressful season into a festival of apoplexy.
So for the last month, I’ve been trying to get ready for Christmas, trying acquire enough equipment to handle Faithwalkers, trying to get ready for Faithwalkers, and trying not to fall behind on the Malex Minute.
In the interest of time, I considered making my brother write this ‘Thoughts’ section. But he threatened me with bodily harm, so instead I’m writing it myself. About a week early.
So while I have to rush to finish my Christmas preparations and pack to leave for Faithwalkers, I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas, and will have a happy new year!
“Welcome to Christmas Town! You will never leave.”
Narrating Linus: Who could have possibly guessed, even as late as three weeks ago, that today we would have a prototype weapons-grade white hole in a box in the corner, a secret agent named Jack McOven tied up in the other corner, and a visiting Santa Claus blocking all the exits with his terrific belly? Who could have guessed, I ask you?! The writers, that’s who. And a lousy bunch of writers they are!
Santa: (Santa laugh.) Santa is not threatening!
Malex: We know, Santa.
Santa: Santa is not menacing!
Snufflefungus: We know, Santa.
Santa: Santa is not creepy!
Linus: We know already! Can you move on to your next point, or are you genuinely crashed?
Santa: Would you like a gifts from Santa? Santa knows everything you want!
Malex: That’s distressing.
Snufflefungus: I want a gifts!
Jack McOven: Don’t listen to him! It’s a trap!
Santa: First, you give Santa the white hole in the box over there. Then Santa will give you a toy… ambivalence.
Snufflefungus: Yay! I’ve always wanted an ambivalence– Wait! Isn’t that the noun form of ambivalent, an adjective referring to unsure or contradicting feelings or opinions about something? I don’t want ambivalence!
Santa: Sorry, Santa spoke the wrong word… Santa will give you a toy ambulance!
Snufflefungus: Yay! I’ve always wanted a toy ambulance! That way I can drive to the candy store without stopping for red lights!
Malex: No, Snufflefungus, you can’t do that. And Santa, you may not have the white hole.
Santa: What about you, Linus? Santa can give you the recognition and respect you have always deserved.
Santa: Or you, Malex? Santa can give you the talent to be a better DJ. Then perhaps people will find it within their hearts to love you!
Malex: Get behind me, Santa!
Santa: Will nobody give Santa what Santa wants?
Jack McOven: He’s trying to trick you! He’s not really the kind, generous old man that everyone thinks he is!
Malex: Santa, what could you possibly want with a weapons-grade white hole?
Narrating Linus: I always suspected that Santa was a creepy person, but exactly how creepy was he? That question was about to be answered, and what an answer it was.
Santa: Santa wants the white hole.
Linus: Yes, right. You said that already. Why do you want it?!
Santa: Santa makes many toys for many children.
Snufflefungus: Did you make an ambulance for me?
Santa: Santa’s arsenal of toys grows quickly stale. Santa is always looking for ways that Santa can add new toys to Santa’s arsenal.
Santa: Santa spoke the wrong word again.
Linus: Will you stop referring to yourself in the third person?!
Santa: To which third person is Santa referring?
Santa: When Santa is speaking to you, there is only you. And Santa. There is no ‘third person…’
Santa: Santa thinks you are a little slow.
Malex: He’s got you there, Linus.
Linus: Thanks for your support. You’re a great friend.
Snufflefungus: So Santa just wants to add the white hole to his lineup of toys! Is that a bad thing?
Jack McOven: Of course it is! Snufflefungus, you’ve got to understand! That white hole is weapons-grade! If it was ever released, it would destroy everything in its path! It’s so powerful it warps time and space around it!
Snufflefungus: I don’t think I understand what that means.
Jack McOven: It means that anything that gets sucked into it will either be torn to shreds or flung through time! It’s not something to be playing with!
Linus: Hear that Santa? It’s not a toy!
Malex: Santa, you don’t want to hurt people, do you?
Santa: Santa is still mad about not being allowed to distribute atom bombs to the bad children instead of coal.
Snufflefungus: I’m all done sitting in Santa’s lap now!
Santa: If Santa can’t get in on the atom bomb thing, Santa will be all over the white hole thing.
Malex: Santa, that would hurt people.
Santa: (Santa laugh.) Santa does not know what you are getting at.
Jack McOven: You see, Malex? The man is a lunatic, at best! At worst, he’s a terrorist. Untie me, give me the package, and let me go! I’ll take the white hole back where it belongs, where it’ll be safe.
Santa: (Santa laugh) Shut up little man, or Santa will sit in your lap.
Malex: Santa, please go. We will not give you the white hole, nor will we accept any of your gifts.
Santa: Oh, that is it. Now Santa is mad.
Narrating Linus: Suddenly, Santa screamed an unearthly scream and descended upon Malex in a demonic rage.
Malex: (Screams) No!
Santa: (Santa laugh) Now Santa is sitting in your lap!
Malex: Everything is made of pain!
Snufflefungus: Oh Malex! I can’t look!
Santa: What are you bringing me for Christmas, Malex?
Snufflefungus: Can’t somebody help him?!
Jack McOven: Let me go! I can take the fatty!
Linus: Here, I’ll cut your ropes now!
Malex: (Crushed) Don’t hurry on my account…
Snufflefungus: Please help him, Jack!
Santa: (Santa laugh) You have left the white hole unguarded! Now it is mine!
Jack McOven: No it isn’t!
Snufflefungus: Now they’re fighting over the box! I can’t look!
Santa: (Santa laugh) You are nothing, little man! Santa will take your box, then Santa will crush you for sport!
Jack McOven: Give it up, Santa! You’re no match for a trained secret agent!
Malex: I’m counting my bones, and I think there might be more now than there used to be.
Linus: The box is coming apart! Malex, we’ve got to get out of here! Snuffy, come on!
Snufflefungus: Yes! Let’s get out of here!
Santa: Give to Santa!
Jack McOven: You’re tearing the box!
Santa: Give to Santa!
Jack McOven: Watch what you’re doing, you big oaf! You’re going to release the white hole! Stop it!
Santa: (Santa laugh) You would like Santa to stop, but Santa never will!
~~ White hole is released.
Santa: (Laughing) Oh no!
Jack McOven: You idiot! You’ve released the white hole!
Santa: Santa does not want to be torn to shreds!
Jack McOven: (Screams)
~~ Jack McOven and Santa are sucked into the white hole.
~~ Silence falls over the house, and we return to Malex, Linus, and Snufflefungus.
Linus: What happened?
Malex: Jack and Santa must have been consumed by the white hole.
Snufflefungus: Not Jack! Jack was my friend!
Malex: I’m sorry, Snufflefungus.
Linus: But why didn’t it take out the whole house?! Wasn’t it supposed to be a weapon of mass destruction?
Malex: Well yes, but Jack said it hadn’t been tested. Perhaps it was too unstable, so it collapsed before it was able to do any real harm.
Snufflefungus: It sucked up Jack didn’t it? Isn’t that real harm?
Linus: Snuffy, you don’t even know if he was the real Jack! You didn’t even remember ever meeting him anyway!
Snufflefungus: Yes I do! I first met Jack McOven when I arrived on Earth! He and I were great friends! Why do you ask?
~~ Malex and Linus are horrified.
Malex: Well, Snufflefungus, just the other day you had no idea who the Jack from your postcards was.
Snufflefungus: Oh yeah, I remember not remembering. But I remember now.
Malex: Oh, I know what happened!
Linus: What’s that?
Malex: Snuffy’s memory changed after the white hole sucked Jack into it. Snuffy, Jack isn’t dead, he was flung into the past!
Linus: That explains why he didn’t remember sending those postcards. He hadn’t sent them yet.
Snufflefungus: That’s weird.
Malex: Try not to think about it.
Snufflefungus: So he was my friend, then he wasn’t my friend… And now he’s not dead… And he can be my friend again?
Linus: Sure kid.
Malex: Can we go to the hospital now? I think I might be at the brink of death.
Linus: Do you ever stop whining?
Malex: Not a chance!
Narrating Linus: Yes, that was the end of it. We had our brush with a weapon of mass destruction, we met a secret agent, and we witnessed Santa’s timely demise. With any luck, we’ll never hear from old Santa again.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.