Episode 093, wherein Malex, Linus, and Snufflefungus receive a package. Give it a listen and let us know what you think.
Today, we embark upon an epic story arc, the likes of which has never been seen by mortal man!
Actually, that’s not really true… It’s going to be pretty short. And simple, really, given the length of your average Malex Minute episode and the fact that our collective attention spans could barely stretch all the way around the dizzying circumference of the head of a pin.
This story arc will be a blast though. We’ve got a mysterious package, shadowy government agencies, a great dollop of Christmassy spirit, and an ending that will shock you so much you’ll think… Well… You’ll think something, and that counts for a lot around here.
This episode in particular is notable because it was written almost entirely by Fopsworth, my brother whose real name I will reveal as soon as I can get away with it without incurring the wrath of the privacy police.
It’s also worth pointing out that he did a splendid job. Simply capital. I’m convinced this script is funny. Which I have the luxury of saying because, as I mentioned, I was largely uninvolved with its preparation.
I should point out, for completeness, that I did help hammer out the majority of the main plot points for the story arc we just started. Just so credit goes where, you know, credit is due.
And with that, I depart.
“In any event, the stingray was dead. It was up to me to find out how. And why.”
Narrating Linus: It began, Ladies and Gents, on a morning entirely unlike most. For one thing, it was foggy. Which, to the superstitious among us, is always a telltale sign that Bad Things are about to congregate into a hideous ensemble of execration and despair.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully) Hey! It’s foggy outside!
Malex: It is? Well, do you know what my grandma used to say that meant?
Linus: I’m wondering why you think we care!
Malex: (Conspiratorially) She used to say that the Bad Things were congregating into a hideous ensemble of execration and despair!
Snufflefungus: Oh, sounds fun! Can I congregate with them?
Linus: Why of course Snuffy. It’s only expected.
Malex: Linus, shut up. No, Snufflefungus you may not. That was only a superstition. Besides, you’re not a Bad Thing, so you wouldn’t fit in.
Snufflefungus: Oh. So if we can’t do that, can we do something else interesting instead?
Narrating Linus: As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Not for one second. Not for three. But for two and three quarters. The sound of it sent a chill down my spine.
Snufflefungus: I’ll get it!
Malex: Linus are you okay?
Linus: Me? I’m just dandy. Let’s see who’s at the door.
Narrating Linus: The vaguely gender neutral creature that fouled our doorstep smelled of potpourri and looked like a used lollipop stick. It seemed to be Mexican though Mexico later denied it.
Strange Person: The sun is very hot here north of the border.
Malex: Excuse me?
Strange Person: The snowshoe rabbit is my favorite too.
Linus: Shoo! Shoo! Before we set the fungus on you!
Strange Person: That is what I thought. I’ll leave your package in back among the bushes for you to collect at your convenience. Buenos días!
Narrating Linus: It turned and disappeared into the fog with the drunken, ambling gait of an ailing mule.
Snufflefungus: Am I supposed to know what he was talking about?
Linus: He was clearly an ambassador from a world of his own. I’d declare war on it, but that would mean getting more involved.
Malex: And we can’t have that, can we?
Snufflefungus: Did he mention a package? I like packages…
Malex: That last comment of his did seem to be pretty clear, didn’t it? Compared to his others, that is. Perhaps we should go look in the bushes to make sure he isn’t causing some sort of trouble.
~~ Change scenes
Malex: So there is a real package. Wonder why he didn’t give it to us in person?
Narrating Linus: It was a package alright, the kind of package that appears mysteriously out of nowhere in B movies and demands attention with a note saying something like, “Touch me and die!” I, of course, wanted to chuck the thing there and then.
Linus: Ooh, Let’s open it!
Malex: Wait! There’s a note here.
Narrating Linus: Those B movies and their notes… They were going to take over the world eventually, and it wasn’t going to be pretty when it happened. I wanted to be far, far away before that.
Snufflefungus: What does it say? What does it say?
Malex: It says, “Don’t open until yesterday at 3:42PM. Any sooner or later than that, and you will trigger your own immediate demise. Have a nice day.”
Linus: Great, now I really want to open it.
Snufflefungus: (Gasps) That reminds me. I got a postcard from Jack. It reads, “My dear Snufflefungus, I haven’t much time to write now. You may have received this information already, but I’m being chased by our friend in the white beard. Suffice it to say that, if my calculations are correct, this card and the package should reach you on or about December fourteenth. Whatever you do, do not open it! The package I mean. And guard it with your life. All of them. Yours truly, Jack.”
Linus: How horrifying.
Malex: I’m unreasonably creeped out by this package. I vote we destroy it.
Snufflefungus: I like being unreasonable! Let’s destroy it!
Linus: Oh, come on guys. Where’s your sense of adventure? Your burning need to know? Your– Holy flaming flamingos! Is that a werewolf looking in the window?
Snufflefungus: What? Where?
Linus: (Screams) The light! It burns!
Snufflefungus: Linus! Did you try to peek into the box while we were looking away?!
Linus: No… I did peek into the box while you were looking away.
Malex: Wow, that really did burn your face, didn’t it? That looks pretty painful.
Snufflefungus: Can you see me? How many fingers am I holding up?
Linus: (Gasps) I don’t know! I’m blind! I’ll never peek anywhere again!
Malex: Don’t whine so much. Here, I’ll just reset the orb, and your body will be as good as new.
Linus: Oh, thanks. What a relief.
Narrating Linus: Then, like some ethereal messenger sent to blow away the fog and give light to our confused state, the phone rang.
Commanding Voice: I demand you turn over the package immediately!
Malex: Um, are you sure you have the right number?
Commanding Voice: Don’t argue with me fool! Just do it!
~~ The person on the other end hangs up.
Snufflefungus: They hung up on you?
Malex: How did they expect me to give it to him over the phone?
Linus: I’d say something witty here except that I’ve been struck dumb by the sheer idiocy of it all.
Malex: Okay guys. I’m a little bit freaked out at this point. Maybe we should call the police.
Snufflefungus: Ooh, can we? It sounds so exciting!
Narrating Linus: Sadly that plan never came to fruition. If it had, things might have been different. But there’s no use in crying over the past, or the future for that matter. It’s just a little less painful then letting your tears build up inside your eye sockets until they explode forth in a messy shower of water, salt, and emotions.
Linus: Guys, did you hear that?! Somebody broke a window upstairs!
Snufflefungus: (gasps) Burglars!
Linus: Maybe it was just a mistake?
Malex: We’ll soon find out. Whoever it is is coming this way.
Stranger: Freeze or I’ll drop the lot of you!
Snufflefungus: How dare you point a gun at my friends! Take that!
Stranger: Ow! No hitting with chairs!
Malex: Linus! Help me!
Linus: He’s all squirmy!
Malex: Tie him down!
Stranger: Arrgh! Let me go! You don’t know what you’re doing!
Malex: Okay, let’s see who you are now.
Snufflefungus: How will you do that?
Malex: Simple. His name should be in his wallet somewhere… (Shocked) On his secret agent badge right, uh… right there.
Stranger: You’d better give me that package and let me go, or I’ll kill you all in the most painful way imaginable!
Linus: What’s his name?
Malex: It’s Jack McOven.
Snufflefungus: Just like my postcards! You’re the postcard man!
Stranger: What? What are you talking about?
Snufflefungus: You send me postcards every week about how we used to be best friends!
Stranger: Uh, no I don’t. I’ve never even met you. I’m a secret agent, I don’t even have friends.
Snufflefungus: Huh, that’s weird.
Malex: No kidding…
Narrating Linus: And that, my friends, marks the end of the beginning of one of the greatest stories of our lives. I’m sorry I can’t hint at the rest. You will just have to come back and hear it for yourself.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Gabriel Markley, Alex Markley, and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.