In this Seventh Quarter Finale, Snufflefungus forgets when Christmas is, and Linus tries to mess with his head. So… the usual, mostly. Give it a listen and let us know what you think.
This may come as a shock to some of you, but Linus appears to enjoy tormenting Snufflefungus’s poor, innocent brain.
This behavior is considered ‘bad,’ so he is likely to find that The Krampus occasionally violates his European boundaries and enters North America for the sole purpose of correcting such behavior… With a switch.
I was admittedly somewhat horrified to discover that this Krampus fellow actually exists – even if only in legend – somewhere in Europe. It is real enough to these people that, on ‘Krampus Day,’ they hold “Krampus Day Parades,” in which people dress up as The Krampus for the express purpose of terrifying the little children. (Yes, exactly like The Village.)
It makes one wonder what other strange and terrifying things roam about, stunting the emotional growth of the poor European children.
Perhaps they have a creature that runs around threatening to force the children to eat too much candy? They could call him, ‘Stomachache Man!’ and he could fly in through your bedroom window riding a seeping, heaving stomach. As for his actual appearance, let your imagination go crazy.
Meh, that would never work. Just send them Little Red Riding Squirrel… Their children will never sleep again.
“That’s no kind of party! No kind of party at all!”
Malex: Hey everybody! Malex here, and I want to officially welcome you to the Seventh Malex Minute Quarter Finale Grand Party Thing!
Linus: (Sarcastic.) What party? You bought ginger ale.
Snufflefungus: Ginger! Ale! Whee!
Malex: Okay, so I got a bit carried away. It’s not exactly a grand party–
Linus: It’s not any kind of a party. Unless party has recently been redefined without my knowledge.
Snufflefungus: But Linus, every day is a party!
Linus: You should be ashamed! How do you think the poor little communist children feel?
Snufflefungus: But, I thought…
Linus: Exactly! You can have all the parties you want, but the poor people who live in communist countries don’t have enough party to go around!
Snufflefungus: But… Why do they call it the ‘Communist Party?’
Linus: That’s no kind of party! No kind of party at all!
Malex: Okay guys, that’s… Quite enough of that.
Snufflefungus: Malex! Can we send the commies a party? Please?
Malex: I’m sure they’d appreciate that. We’ll do it later.
Snufflefungus: Oh, okay!
Linus: No we won’t!
Linus: Malex will just wait until you forget, and not do anything about it!
Snufflefungus: Malex! You wouldn’t!
Malex: Of course not! In fact, I nominate Linus to take care of it tomorrow.
Linus: What? Me?!
Malex: Why Linus, don’t be so modest! It was practically your idea! You should get all the credit.
Snufflefungus: Aw, I want some credit!
Linus: No you don’t! It starts innocently enough with the building of the credit. Then, suddenly, you start getting an unstoppable shower of bulk mail offering to lend you money at exorbitantly high interest rates!
~~ Awkward silence.
Snufflefungus: … What?
Malex: I think his humor algorithm might need tweaking.
Linus: (Sighs.) Oh guys…
Snufflefungus: So anyway, this is my favorite time of year!
Malex: Yes, the weather is turning. The air is crisp and chilly, the–
Snufflefungus: Christmas is tomorrow!
Linus: December is tomorrow.
Malex: Quite a difference, actually. I wish somebody would explain it to the retailers…
Snufflefungus: But, I thought Christmas was in December!
Linus: We went through this last year. Christmas only comes if you’re good!
Malex: Linus, stop trying to upset the Snufflefungus. Yes, Snufflefungus, Christmas is in December. However, that does not mean that December is in Christmas.
Snufflefungus: Are you sure? Last year I remember getting presents.
Malex: Yes, yes you did. And you might get presents this year too.
Linus: If you’re good.
Snufflefungus: But I am good!
Linus: As far as you know! What if you did something bad without knowing about it!
Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) Malex! Malex! Have I done something bad?!
Malex: Linus, I swear! (Weary.) No, Snufflefungus. You haven’t done anything bad.
Linus: But if you did, Malex might not know about it either.
Malex: Linus! Shut up already!
Snufflefungus: Malex, what happens if I was bad?
Linus: I hear that in Austria a little devil creature called the Krampus is Santa’s sidekick, and he comes to beat the bad little children with a switch on Christmas Eve!
Snufflefungus: I don’t wanna meet the Krampus!
Malex: Don’t worry, Snuffy, it’s okay. Krampus only visits poor little Austrian children. Linus, we may–
Linus: That’s right, I forgot! The bad little Ohiovillain children have Little Red Riding Squirrel!
Linus: He comes on a random night in December and alternates between beating you and hugging you until you pass out from the terror.
Malex: Linus! I’ve had exactly enough of this!
Linus: Fine, I’ll shut up!
Snufflefungus: Malex, do you think we could arrange for the Krampus to come defeat Little Red Riding Squirrel?
Malex: Snufflefungus, you don’t have to worry about either one of them.
Snufflefungus: Oh, okay. So… If Christmas isn’t tomorrow, when is it?
Malex: It’s December 25th, near the end of December.
Snufflefungus: What? Christmas is a whole month away?! I can’t wait that long!
Linus: You’re right. Best give up hope now!
Snufflefungus: But if I wish hard enough, will Christmas come tomorrow?
Linus: No it won’t, because it doesn’t like you. Also, doing that would be greedy, which is bad!
Snufflefungus: Oh no!
Malex: I swear Linus, I hope I don’t have to tape your mouth shut.
Linus: You might! But you’d have to catch me first!
Malex: Come back here! Hey!
Linus: What?! (Screams.) I was framed! I’m a patsy! Let me go!
Malex: Ow! I’ll get you yet, you squirrelly little toad!
Linus: Whee! I’m frolicking away from your grasp!
Snufflefungus: Well, everybody, I think today’s episode is probably done. Hope you enjoyed the episode, and we look forward to seeing you next week as we kick off Malex Minute Quarter Eight! Have a merry Christmas tomorrow, and receive lots of presents! Bye!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.