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Malex Minute 085

Evil Snuffy is defeated once and for all! Give it a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Once again, I find myself writing the Malex Minute script long after reasonable people and unreasonable people alike have all surrendered to the demons of slumber. This fact is apparent in the finished product of the episode.

Whether this is a good or a bad thing remains to be seen.

The reference to War Wolf in this episode is sure to delight fans of the obscure. Here’s a hint: It proves that Snufflefungus knows exactly what a trebuchet is.

As a point of interest, this episode was written without even a smidgen of outside influence, and it is the first such episode which has appeared since the dawn of time. (Or Episode 070, whichever comes first.)

It was glorious! At no point were my colleagues invited to review my work. Production began before anyone had the slightest idea what it contained! Like a totalitarian dictator, I waved around the script like a little red book, and all who did not conform were crushed. (As I mentioned before, it was glorious.)

Okay, these are all lies. I presented the script, we read it, and then we performed it.

I wish you wouldn’t insist on making my life sound so dull…

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: (Very cheerfully.) Hi everybody! Malex here, welcome to the show!

Linus: My, you seem uncharacteristically cheery today… Did somebody die?

Snufflefungus: I’m so glad you’re not depressed anymore, Malex! You’re my favorite human being when you’re not depressed!

Linus: What about when he is depressed?

Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully.) Then my insides feel like a giant knot of burning spaghetti!

Linus: Why does it always have to be food with this one? Anyway Malex, seriously, what gives?

Malex: (Chuckles subtly.) I’ve almost finished with a… project.

Snufflefungus: A project? Can I help? Is it something fuzzy?! I love fuzzy things!

Linus: What kind of project are we talking about, Malex?

Malex: Oh, I don’t know… Maybe I’m just building the largest trebuchet ever conceived by mankind!

Linus: Whoa Nelly!

Snufflefungus: Are trebuchet fuzzy?

Malex: No, Snufflefungus. A trebuchet is a medieval siege engine which can fire large objects a great distance toward enemy fortifications.

Snufflefungus: Oh, of course! I knew that… I thought you meant something else…

Linus: Sure you did.

Snufflefungus: So will your trebuchet be bigger than War Wolf?

Malex: Yes. Quite.

Linus: What in the name of heaven are you going to do with a trebuchet that big?

Malex: You know old Saggy-Bottom Blue, that busted up car in the driveway?

Snufflefungus: The one that’s falling apart?

Linus: The one your neighbor’s ‘special’ child urinated in?

Malex: Oh yes, yes. That’s the one. See, I’ve been considering an appropriate fate for it.

Linus: The junkyard?

Malex: At first, it was a simple matter of procrastination. But as it sat there, mocking me for my inaction, it became a matter of honor. Eventually, not even tipping it over, torching it, or bombing it would be a suitable demise.

Linus: I hesitate to ask how the trebuchet fits into all of this.

Malex: I’m going to fire old Saggy-Bottom Blue into the Pacific.

Linus: But we’re in Ohio! That’s not even possible!

Malex: Have you seen my diagrams? Have you seen my math?!

Snufflefungus: Well, at least you’re excited about something.

Linus: I would imagine the government might have something to say about this.

Malex: Well what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

Linus: (Sarcastic, resigned.) That’s healthy. Well I’m gonna go. I’ve gotta finish up the rest of the neighborhood.

Malex: Finish it up how?

Linus: Toxic surprise, my new restaurant franchise, is furnishing the entire city with lead wall-cake.

Snufflefungus: Do they know about it?

Linus: Rarely.

Malex: This explains the screams.

Linus: They’ll learn to appreciate my efforts.

Snufflefungus: I thought Toxic Surprise was out of your hands?

Linus: You never really leave the ones you love. (Awkward silence.) Can I go now? I have an irrational sense of urgency.

Malex: Okay, well, goodbye then.

Linus: Wish me luck!

Snufflefungus: Break a leg!

Malex: So now what are we going to do, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: We need to tune into President Anchorman’s special announcement! He said it’s very important.

Malex: Oh great.

~~ Switch POV to President Anchorman.

Anchorman: Is this on? Can you hear me? Check, check, one two… Uh, four?

Tech: (Interrupts.) Uh, sir, uh, that’s not a microphone, that’s your water glass.

Anchorman: You raise a fine point, young danish. But if you think this is water, you’re more native than meets the eye.

Tech: You’re on in five, four–

Anchorman: (Interrupts at ‘four.’) Fine ladies of Ohioville, I bring you much gravy, for our darkest hour approacheth, in our very darkest hour. A ball of fluff which I once considered to be full of whimsy, or some derivation thereof, who is even considered by me to be a protector of our city and our way of life, has indeed turned against us. Indeed, he is demanding from us the very things we cannot live without! Our cookies! Now, I would say more things, but I just ran through my entire… vocabulary. So I think we should get this so-called ‘Evil’ Snuffy on the phone.

Evil Snuffy: Yes? Hello? Whoever you are, you’ve called me in the middle of my lunch!

Anchorman: Hi there, Evil Snuffy. You’re on national television!

Evil Snuffy: What? Now?!

Anchorman: That’s right.

Evil Snuffy: You put me on live, national television without even a warning? Why would you do that? Didn’t I already explain my demands?!

Anchorman: You did, yes. But I didn’t understand them, so I thought you should explain to the whole class.

Evil Snuffy: It’s really very simple! I am orbiting your planet inside my spaceship, which is equipped with a planet-bombardment device of my own design, called… The Death Scar! If you don’t hand over all of your cookies to me, I will fire it at your miserable planet! (Laughs evilly.)

Anchorman: So, wait. What exactly happens if you fire this Death Scar? Does it destroy all life on Earth?

Evil Snuffy: No, it steals all of your cookies automatically.

Anchorman: But then, shouldn’t it be called something like, “The Cookie Scar?” Or “Stealer of Cookies?”

Evil Snuffy: But, I like ‘Death Scar.’

Anchorman: It just seems a bit misleading, that’s all… And, I mean, not to keep ragging on you or nothing, but the very phrase ‘Death Scar’ doesn’t make very much sense to me. That is to say, a scar is a symbol of healing. Can’t rightly expect a death-wound to scar up, now can you?

Evil Snuffy: Yes, alright! I know! I know! Just hand over the cookies or I’ll fire the Death Scar right now!

Anchorman: I don’t think so, cookie fiend! You will have no cooperation from us, we’re Ohioans!

Evil Snuffy: Fine! Here it comes!

~~ Death Scar Fires

Evil Snuffy: Oh no! Something’s wrong! Some kind of feedback?! It looks like some idiot has lined all of the houses on the planet with lead! My system is overloading! (Screams. Transmission is cut off mid-scream.)

Anchorman: Is that what this yummy cake is doing on my walls?

Linus: Yes sir. Just doing my part.

Anchorman: Why thank you, Toxic Surprise. It’s tasty and delicious!

~~ The Death Scar plummets to the earth with a resounding boom.

Snufflefungus: My evil twin brother has crashed into the Earth! Now how will we ever be rid of him?!

Malex: Come on Snuffy! I have an idea of what we can do with my new trebuchet!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Quartz

Release manager: Quartz

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to Wild Weasel for use of the Explode sound effect.

Thanks to Noise Collector for use of the various laser sound effects.

Thanks to Corsica S for use of the Short Circuit sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

NameSizeAction
Episode Audio4.11 MB Download Now - 4.11 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration107.48 KB Download Now - 107.48 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

The car that flys but isn't named after the sound it makes.

Oh wow! This was definately a climactic episode. I liked how Linus' little cake obsession became so important to the story.

BTB, who is the hideous man in the picture? He really is hideous.

I thought Malex should have fired Old Saggy-Bottom Blue at Evil Snuffy's spacecraft while it was in the air. It would have been an apt application of the two birds - one stone proverb.

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A wise man once said, "A joke untold is one not laughed at."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Peter's picture

The man in the picture is ...

... President Anchorman. :)

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Gaussian Blur fixes everything.

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

Hilarious!

Malex: I'm going to fire old Saggy-Bottom Blue into the Pacific.

Linus: But we're in Ohio! That's not even possible!

Malex: Have you seen my diagrams? Have you seen my math?!

I want to know how he plans to clear the Rockies.

I'm afraid President Anchorman has become my favorite character. Or maybe he's tied with Snuffy. But I just love his lines.

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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

In my mind...

There's no question at all concerning him firing a whimpy hunk of rust into the pacific if the thing is strong enough to throw a full-fledged spaceship out of the atmosphere. XD

For reference, see escape velocity.

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Gaussian Blur fixes everything.

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

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