Malex gets depressed and Linus answers the door! Give it a listen and let us know what you think.
In this episode, Evil Snuffy returns with a new plan. Is he likely to succeed? My instinct is to say no, but if an equal and opposite business model works for some other organization, who am I to predict failure?
At least the cake should prevent any of Evil Snuffy’s most dastardly plans…
As for Malex’s depression, it is timed perfectly to correspond with real events. This is a coincidence, since the script for this episode was written hours before the ‘incident’ in question.
There is no resolution yet to this problem, but one may be on the immediate horizon… Maybe.
Anyway, I could stretch this section out with more half-thoughts, but nobody wants that.
“What do you mean you don’t know what narcissistic paranoid schizophrenia is? It’s where you love your reflection. … But you keep hearing it secretly plotting to kill you.”
Malex: Hi everybody! I feel completely drained, creatively. I just don’t even think I can do anything funny this episode.
Snufflefungus: Linus! Stop spreading cake on the wall!
Linus: Get over it, fuzzy!
Malex: Things have just gotten so routine, I’m starting to get depressed.
Snufflefungus: Malex, Linus is making art. The not good kind.
Linus: Don’t listen to him, he is full of lies!
Malex: I don’t even know if I can go on.
Snufflefungus: It’s okay Malex… It doesn’t matter if your comedy is utterly worthless, it’s who you are on the inside that counts!
Linus: Listen to all those lies. Get your worthless butt over here and help me spread this cake.
Malex: No, I will not help you spread iced cake all over my dining room walls. I’m hoping this is the only room you were planning on redecorating…
Linus: Well, it’s the only room that’s left.
Malex: Horrifying. Well I suppose I’d better eat some of it, if that’s alright with you.
Linus: I wouldn’t, it’s lead-based.
Malex: Now everything becomes clear. Not really.
Snufflefungus: I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to draw on the walls with crayons if there’s an inch-thick layer of cake on them.
Linus: See, with Evil Snuffy about, flying in his space ship, threatening doom… I just thought we’d better shield ourselves from anything he might have cooked up.
Malex: So you baked hundreds of lead-based cakes, iced them, and spread them all over the inside of my house. Very clever, I must say.
Malex: Never mind that lead is poisonous to me and Snuffy.
Linus: Right, well, if it’s toxic to Snuffy, it should be toxic to Evil Snuffy too.
Snufflefungus: He does have a point!
Linus: I’ve really thought this through. Evil Snuffy won’t be able to penetrate this fortress!
~~ A knock on the door.
Malex: Somebody else get that, I’m unhealthily dwelling on how un-funny this episode is.
Snufflefungus: I’ll get it!
Linus: No, I’ll get it!
Snufflefungus: Malex, Linus kicked me!
Linus: Sorry! (Opens door.) Hi– Whoa! You’re the ugliest little girl I’ve ever had the misfortune of laying eyes upon.
Evil Snuffy: Hi! I’m from the local Young-Female-Scout troop. I’m here to collect all of your cookies.
Linus: Is this for charity?
Evil Snuffy: Not even close.
Linus: But it’s one of those feel-good things, right?
Evil Snuffy: It makes me feel good.
Linus: I don’t think that’s quite what I meant.
Evil Snuffy: By the way, there’s a 10% surcharge for every minute of my time you waste flapping your gums.
Linus: So wait, you’re charging me to give you all of my cookies?
Evil Snuffy: That is how it works. Get used to it.
Linus: Snufflefungus, fetch my gun.
Evil Snuffy: Whoa, that’s not really necessary. Just hand over the cookies and nobody will get hurt.
Linus: Are you slow? Start marching!
Evil Snuffy: Fine! But I’ll find a way to get your cookies somehow!
Linus: Yeah? I’d love to see you try! But oh yeah, we have lead-based cake all over our walls! You are helpless in the face of the cake!
Evil Snuffy: What?
Linus: Did I say you could stop walking and ask questions! That was supposed to be my amazing one-line ending! And you ruined it!
Evil Snuffy: Oh, sorry…
Linus: Stinking amateur! Come back when you know something!
~~ Door slams.
Malex: Who was that at the door?
Linus: Nobody. Snufflefungus, take my gun.
Malex: See?! Nothing interesting or funny is going to happen this episode, and it’s all my fault!
Snufflefungus: So Linus, I didn’t know you knew how to cook.
Linus: Well, you know, I’ve always had something of a knack for it. Especially for combining non-traditional ingredients and concepts.
Malex: Oh, yeah, who would have thought of making Lead Cake? What’s next, Mercury Milkshakes?
Linus: Actually, I’ve licensed an entire franchise out called Toxic Surprise. It’s going to be really popular.
Malex: Oh my…
Linus: Out of my hands now. I’ll have to watch it grow from a distance. Like a disowned child. Or an ex-spouse.
Snufflefungus: That’s so romantic!
Malex: I’m just going to call it quits for this episode. Bye!
Snufflefungus: Don’t worry Malex, you’ll feel better by next week!
Linus: (Cheerfully.) Or you’re fired!
Snufflefungus: Well, thanks for listening everybody, we hope you enjoyed this episode! Also, we hope you’ll come back and listen to the next Malex Minute! Which will come out next week on Friday! Just about when this one came out! And it should be funny too, even though it hasn’t been written or recorded yet!
Linus: That’s enough. I’m hitting stop.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, Peter Markley, and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.