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Malex Minute 083

Snufflefungus gets keys, but where from? Also, reporters experimentally harass Malex and Friends in their home. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Few can truly feel safe in a world where reporters roam free, feeding on unsavory information in much the same way carrion eaters feed on the recently-dead.

You may wonder how I know these things. You may be surprised – even to the point of disbelief – but I am not in any way exaggerating when I say that a wild pack of reporters live underneath my office. Where I frequently sit.

Before congratulating me on my bravery, you should know… Generally… they are as scared of us as we are of them.

They’re scared of me at any rate. (And that’s no accident. I have a precisely engineered reputation.)

Regardless, this week’s Malex Minute is now available. For your ears.


——Alex Markley

“It isn’t different at all, is it Steve?!


~~ Introduction

Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, Ladies and Gentlemen! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show today!

Linus: At least you’re trying very hard.

Malex: Linus, what are you implying now?

Linus: Nothing you would understand.

Snufflefungus: (Excited.) I have keys!

Malex: So you do, Snufflefungus. So you do.

Linus: How do you have keys? You don’t own anything valuable.

Malex: Snufflefungus, do you have any idea what your keys go to?

Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) Nope!

Linus: Malex, let’s not allow this little diversion to distract from the wholly greater diversion of your pathetic attempts to run a show.

Malex: Right! Last episode, Snufflefungus’s evil twin brother showed up from nowhere. He posed as Snufflefungus for a while, but we weren’t really convinced.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, I would never act like Evil Snuffy! He’s just a big meanie!

Malex: He was rudely demanding cookies until we ordered him to leave. He disappeared after that, but recently we saw on the news that his spaceship is still orbiting the earth.

Linus: That so-called ‘Evil Snuffy’ was so annoying…

Malex: You know, back when Snufflefungus first mentioned that he had en evil twin, you expressed interest in meeting him.

Linus: Yeah, that was before I knew that little punk was an utter societal reject.

~~ Knock on the window.

Snufflefungus: I wonder who that could be?

Linus: Who in their right mind knocks on the window?

Malex: I’ll just draw the shades and see who it is.

Linus: Don’t do that! They might think you’re inviting interaction!

Malex: Whoa, it’s a reporter!

Snufflefungus: (Concerned.) What’s he trying to say?

Linus: Oh, no! There’s another one behind him! They’re swarming!

~~ Knock on door.

Linus: I’m hyperventilating! I’m panicking!

Malex: (Opens the door.)

Reporter #1: (Abrasive.) Do you know whether the evil twin dog that showed up at your house last week was feral? Is it true that you were paying it off in cookies? Where is the creature now? Do you have dandruff?

Reporter #2: Did this fuzzball look like a creation of Tim Burton? What is your opinion on fleas? Is it true that you had insecurities as a boy due to a psychotic fear of ‘orangutans?’

Reporter #3: Do the exponentially-increasing gas prices have a connection with this mysterious furry beast? Is it true that you now have an uncanny desire to travel to a place named after the devil?

Linus: Hey mush-mouth, is it true that you were named “creature with the largest gaping pit of a mouth” in your high-school yearbook?

Malex: Arrgh! (Closes door.)

Linus: We have plenty of groceries and supplies to last us a while, right?

Malex: Linus, be quiet.

Snufflefungus: Aw, but why don’t we answer their questions? We’ll be on the TV! We’ll be famous!

Linus: We’ll drown!

Malex: Snuffy, I’m just not prepared to spend my time today answering their questions. I’m at home. This is supposed to private. My place of refuge!

Snufflefungus: Oh, okay. I have keys! Aren’t they nice? (Jingles keys.)

Linus: You’re gonna lose those if you don’t quit waving them around.

Malex: Anyway Ladies and Gentlemen, before those reporters interrupted I was saying that now we’re wondering what exactly Evil Snuffy wants. After all, he did promise to be back, even going to far as to threaten that our cookies would never be safe again.

Linus: Have you really gotten so boring as to resort to re-runs of the previous episode in narrative format? Seriously Malex, what’s your point?

Malex: I’m establishing context! What if we get a new listener between last week and this week? How else will they know what’s going on?!

Linus: A listener? I think your fundamental premise is flawed.

Snufflefungus: All I know is I’m entertained!

Malex: Thank you, Snufflefungus.

Linus: Have you finally exhausted your ‘topic’ for this episode?

Malex: Not at all! I was going to interview the Snufflefungus on his experiences being captured last episode.

Snufflefungus: Ooh, boy! I’ll be famous!

Linus: No more than you already are, you giddy oxymoron!

Snufflefungus: I know! I’m already famous! I’m so happy! By the way, despite how it sounds, ‘oxymoron’ does not mean, “A moron who breathes oxygen!”

Linus: Right, most morons waste oxygen by default. Such a pity.

Malex: So Snufflefungus, what was Evil Snuffy’s spaceship like?

Snufflefungus: I dunno, I didn’t really notice much. I was playing. A race car was going to win the Grand Prix!

Linus: Oh, please…

Malex: You didn’t notice anything interesting at all?

Snufflefungus: It was glowing with happy!

Linus: I doubt that very much. Are you sure it wasn’t you that was “glowing with happy?”

Snufflefungus: I have no idea. All I know is this room is glowing with happy too!

Malex: Oh my…

Linus: Let’s please change the subject. I feel inadequate to the task of continuing to ridicule him.

Snufflefungus: (Vulnerable.) Malex, um… There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you…

Malex: What’s that, Snuffy?

Snufflefungus: Can… Can I have a watch? The shiny kind?

Linus: What?! You have keys! That’s the trouble with giving you little munchkins what you want. You only want more!

Malex: Linus, shut up. Snufflefungus, you can’t tell time yet, can you?

Snufflefungus: Well, n– no… But I could learn!

Linus: And then what? Where would you wear it? You don’t have any wrists!

Snufflefungus: Well, I… I could wear it on my head!

Linus: How would you read it?

Snufflefungus: (Getting excited.) That’s easy! I’d just look in a mirror!

Malex: I must point out that a mirror reverses the image, making things more difficult to read.

Snufflefungus: Well… Maybe I could develop dyslexia and simplify the problem!

Linus: Or make it more complex.

Malex: Snufflefungus, what if I just gave you this bouncy ball to play with?

Snufflefungus: Ooh! I’d like that!

Linus: Thank goodness.

~~ Another knock on door.

Linus: Oh no! Those reporters will never give up!

Malex: I wonder if it’s still them… (Opens the door.)

President Anchorman: Good afternoon fair ladies, I do believe I’ve dialed the correct number. May I speak to Mr. the Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Ooh! That’s me! The President wants me!

Linus: Why Mr. President, you’re sounding especially drunk this fine afternoon!

President Anchorman: I’m quite fine, thanks, and you see I just wondered if you’d give me back my keys.

Snufflefungus: Oh, you mean these? (Jingles keys.)

President Anchorman: Well said, if I do say so myself. Now see, I was just trying to get into the white house city hall, thingamajogger, and I just remembered I had forgotten to remember that I had given my keys to you.

Linus: Snuffy has the keys to the white house?!

President Anchorman: A slight under-sight if you’ll pardon the buzzing. So is there any juncture at which I might be found to have been given a way… to… What I mean to say is, may I have my keys back fine gentle-fluff?

Snufflefungus: Sure! Here ya’ go!

President Anchorman: Thank you very much, and now I think I will retire as Resident Anchorman from this doorway.

Malex: Well I’m quite speechless. I think we’d better end this before anything else happens. Thank you very much for listening to this episode Ladies and Gentlemen, and we hope you join us next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End


Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley, Alex Markley, and Gabriel Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

Episode Audio4.63 MB Download Now - 4.63 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration143.81 KB Download Now - 143.81 KB View Now - Episode Illustration


Genuine insanity

Another hit, guys! Very funny! Pres. Anchorman is rapidly becoming a favorite character of mine. His lines are always the funniest. And they're delivered with such a smooth, unruffled voice. Kind of like Chico Marx as a Southern gentleman. I laugh a lot when he's on the program. Seriously, Malex, I think he's a truly unique character.

Good afternoon fair ladies, I do believe I've dialed the correct number.

A slight under-sight if you'll pardon the buzzing.

Snuffy had keys! He's so cute. But the watch idea just won't work for him. I'm glad he got a bouncy ball, though.


I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Lilly's picture

Oh dear...

Snuffy had the keys to the whitehouse! :-O

This was a really awesome episode guys X-D !!!


There is a heartbeat at 18 days,

And a soul from conception,

its a baby, not an it.

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Peter's picture


Thanks a lot, guys! XD It's always my pleasure too when you enjoy this stuff.


Gaussian Blur fixes everything.

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)


I really loved/enjoyed this episode. But I couldn't post that at the time because my internet died. :-|

Anyway, Snuffy was so cute in this episode and President Anchorman is so funny.

President Anchorman: A slight under-sight if you'll pardon the buzzing.

I think this has to be one of my all-time favorite lines. <3


A wise man once said, "A joke untold is one not laughed at."

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Alex's picture


Thank you all so much for listening to the episode. And even more for posting comments! :-D

"... one of my all-time favorite lines."

Actually, I had very little to do with the script for this episode, as Quartz wrote the entire first draft without my intervention. That line, however, was one of my few wholly original contributions. ;)


--Alex Markley

"Crap, I have levitation class at 25:131. Better set the alarm to 'cinnamon'."

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Peter's picture


Thanks, Malex!

Yep, that line was all his. XD


Gaussian Blur fixes everything.

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)


That was probable the best one yet. I can even let go of the fact that you used dyslexia. I have dyslexia, but the way you used it was ok. Other than that it was extreamly good and entertaining. Hope to next ones even beter.


I realy don't believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike- Hey Bob, you know what I hate?

Bob- What’s that Mike?

Mike- Giant Snakes that pop out of nowhere and kill ya.

Bob- You know, I hate those too.


Random guard tower guy- Wow, good thing that was the guard tower next to us.


I really REALLY liked the end... i want an iringutan *pouts*


In darkness doth the silent ones scream.



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