Snufflefungus gets keys, but where from? Also, reporters experimentally harass Malex and Friends in their home. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!
Few can truly feel safe in a world where reporters roam free, feeding on unsavory information in much the same way carrion eaters feed on the recently-dead.
You may wonder how I know these things. You may be surprised – even to the point of disbelief – but I am not in any way exaggerating when I say that a wild pack of reporters live underneath my office. Where I frequently sit.
Before congratulating me on my bravery, you should know… Generally… they are as scared of us as we are of them.
They’re scared of me at any rate. (And that’s no accident. I have a precisely engineered reputation.)
Regardless, this week’s Malex Minute is now available. For your ears.
“It isn’t different at all, is it Steve?!”
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute, Ladies and Gentlemen! I’m Malex, and I’m hosting the show today!
Linus: At least you’re trying very hard.
Malex: Linus, what are you implying now?
Linus: Nothing you would understand.
Snufflefungus: (Excited.) I have keys!
Malex: So you do, Snufflefungus. So you do.
Linus: How do you have keys? You don’t own anything valuable.
Malex: Snufflefungus, do you have any idea what your keys go to?
Snufflefungus: (Cheerful.) Nope!
Linus: Malex, let’s not allow this little diversion to distract from the wholly greater diversion of your pathetic attempts to run a show.
Malex: Right! Last episode, Snufflefungus’s evil twin brother showed up from nowhere. He posed as Snufflefungus for a while, but we weren’t really convinced.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, I would never act like Evil Snuffy! He’s just a big meanie!
Malex: He was rudely demanding cookies until we ordered him to leave. He disappeared after that, but recently we saw on the news that his spaceship is still orbiting the earth.
Linus: That so-called ‘Evil Snuffy’ was so annoying…
Malex: You know, back when Snufflefungus first mentioned that he had en evil twin, you expressed interest in meeting him.
Linus: Yeah, that was before I knew that little punk was an utter societal reject.
~~ Knock on the window.
Snufflefungus: I wonder who that could be?
Linus: Who in their right mind knocks on the window?
Malex: I’ll just draw the shades and see who it is.
Linus: Don’t do that! They might think you’re inviting interaction!
Malex: Whoa, it’s a reporter!
Snufflefungus: (Concerned.) What’s he trying to say?
Linus: Oh, no! There’s another one behind him! They’re swarming!
~~ Knock on door.
Linus: I’m hyperventilating! I’m panicking!
Malex: (Opens the door.)
Reporter #1: (Abrasive.) Do you know whether the evil twin dog that showed up at your house last week was feral? Is it true that you were paying it off in cookies? Where is the creature now? Do you have dandruff?
Reporter #2: Did this fuzzball look like a creation of Tim Burton? What is your opinion on fleas? Is it true that you had insecurities as a boy due to a psychotic fear of ‘orangutans?’
Reporter #3: Do the exponentially-increasing gas prices have a connection with this mysterious furry beast? Is it true that you now have an uncanny desire to travel to a place named after the devil?
Linus: Hey mush-mouth, is it true that you were named “creature with the largest gaping pit of a mouth” in your high-school yearbook?
Malex: Arrgh! (Closes door.)
Linus: We have plenty of groceries and supplies to last us a while, right?
Malex: Linus, be quiet.
Snufflefungus: Aw, but why don’t we answer their questions? We’ll be on the TV! We’ll be famous!
Linus: We’ll drown!
Malex: Snuffy, I’m just not prepared to spend my time today answering their questions. I’m at home. This is supposed to private. My place of refuge!
Snufflefungus: Oh, okay. I have keys! Aren’t they nice? (Jingles keys.)
Linus: You’re gonna lose those if you don’t quit waving them around.
Malex: Anyway Ladies and Gentlemen, before those reporters interrupted I was saying that now we’re wondering what exactly Evil Snuffy wants. After all, he did promise to be back, even going to far as to threaten that our cookies would never be safe again.
Linus: Have you really gotten so boring as to resort to re-runs of the previous episode in narrative format? Seriously Malex, what’s your point?
Malex: I’m establishing context! What if we get a new listener between last week and this week? How else will they know what’s going on?!
Linus: A listener? I think your fundamental premise is flawed.
Snufflefungus: All I know is I’m entertained!
Malex: Thank you, Snufflefungus.
Linus: Have you finally exhausted your ‘topic’ for this episode?
Malex: Not at all! I was going to interview the Snufflefungus on his experiences being captured last episode.
Snufflefungus: Ooh, boy! I’ll be famous!
Linus: No more than you already are, you giddy oxymoron!
Snufflefungus: I know! I’m already famous! I’m so happy! By the way, despite how it sounds, ‘oxymoron’ does not mean, “A moron who breathes oxygen!”
Linus: Right, most morons waste oxygen by default. Such a pity.
Malex: So Snufflefungus, what was Evil Snuffy’s spaceship like?
Snufflefungus: I dunno, I didn’t really notice much. I was playing. A race car was going to win the Grand Prix!
Linus: Oh, please…
Malex: You didn’t notice anything interesting at all?
Snufflefungus: It was glowing with happy!
Linus: I doubt that very much. Are you sure it wasn’t you that was “glowing with happy?”
Snufflefungus: I have no idea. All I know is this room is glowing with happy too!
Malex: Oh my…
Linus: Let’s please change the subject. I feel inadequate to the task of continuing to ridicule him.
Snufflefungus: (Vulnerable.) Malex, um… There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you…
Malex: What’s that, Snuffy?
Snufflefungus: Can… Can I have a watch? The shiny kind?
Linus: What?! You have keys! That’s the trouble with giving you little munchkins what you want. You only want more!
Malex: Linus, shut up. Snufflefungus, you can’t tell time yet, can you?
Snufflefungus: Well, n– no… But I could learn!
Linus: And then what? Where would you wear it? You don’t have any wrists!
Snufflefungus: Well, I… I could wear it on my head!
Linus: How would you read it?
Snufflefungus: (Getting excited.) That’s easy! I’d just look in a mirror!
Malex: I must point out that a mirror reverses the image, making things more difficult to read.
Snufflefungus: Well… Maybe I could develop dyslexia and simplify the problem!
Linus: Or make it more complex.
Malex: Snufflefungus, what if I just gave you this bouncy ball to play with?
Snufflefungus: Ooh! I’d like that!
Linus: Thank goodness.
~~ Another knock on door.
Linus: Oh no! Those reporters will never give up!
Malex: I wonder if it’s still them… (Opens the door.)
President Anchorman: Good afternoon fair ladies, I do believe I’ve dialed the correct number. May I speak to Mr. the Snufflefungus?
Snufflefungus: Ooh! That’s me! The President wants me!
Linus: Why Mr. President, you’re sounding especially drunk this fine afternoon!
President Anchorman: I’m quite fine, thanks, and you see I just wondered if you’d give me back my keys.
Snufflefungus: Oh, you mean these? (Jingles keys.)
President Anchorman: Well said, if I do say so myself. Now see, I was just trying to get into the white house city hall, thingamajogger, and I just remembered I had forgotten to remember that I had given my keys to you.
Linus: Snuffy has the keys to the white house?!
President Anchorman: A slight under-sight if you’ll pardon the buzzing. So is there any juncture at which I might be found to have been given a way… to… What I mean to say is, may I have my keys back fine gentle-fluff?
Snufflefungus: Sure! Here ya’ go!
President Anchorman: Thank you very much, and now I think I will retire as Resident Anchorman from this doorway.
Malex: Well I’m quite speechless. I think we’d better end this before anything else happens. Thank you very much for listening to this episode Ladies and Gentlemen, and we hope you join us next week on the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Peter Markley, Alex Markley, and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.