It’s official! The new Malex Minute quarter has begun.

I’m sure you are all excited.

Traditionally, in this area, I discuss some aspect of the episode which is interesting or otherwise caught my attention. Alternatively, I talk about something which has happened in my life or in the lives of those around me which is in some way notable or entertaining.

However, not only does nothing particularly notable strike me about this episode, aside from its extreme levity, but nothing particularly notable happened this week at all!

Without my traditional source material, I’m left practically speechless! (Not entirely, of course. How could I, a man to whom words are like dear little children, be stricken speechless?)

So what shall I talk about…?

How about the fact that I figured out how to do a very good Space Ghost voice last night?

Nah, I give up. My brain is made of cardboard.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Ain’t nothing funnier than cheese. Except maybe talkin’ cheese.”

~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: Malex! Malex! I just saw a big truck with the word ‘seniors’ spray-painted on the window!

Malex: So?

Snufflefungus: Linus said that’s because they run over old people!

Malex: Snufflefungus, Linus was just… (Awkward, trying to find a nice way to say it.) Saying something that was a lie.

Snufflefungus: Oh, okay.

Linus: Malex… The truck’s license plate was ‘KILL5’ and it had a Nazi swastika emblazoned across the back.

Malex: Oh, that guy. Well, Snufflefungus, he actually does run over senior citizens for fun. It’s all a game to him.

Snufflefungus: Oh. That’s really horrible.

Linus: Told you.

Malex: Is it okay with you guys if I start this episode?

Linus: Sure. Go right ahead.

Malex: Alrighty then. Welcome to the Malex Minute, everybody! Yet again, we kick off a new Malex Minute quarter!

Linus: You’ll note that I wasn’t consulted on the matter.

Malex: That’s right, we begin Malex Minute Quarter Seven with this episode! No break between quarters, no hiatus in the middle of the season, and – perhaps most impressively – no salaries!

Snufflefungus: Just look at Heroes… Even the pros get breaks!

Malex: That’s not all the pros get.

Linus: You’re gonna get a sock in the kisser if you don’t quit whining.

Snufflefungus: Speaking of whining, I learned how to draw this week!

Malex: Really?

Snufflefungus: Yeah! I drew my masterpiece! My grand opus!

Linus: This I’ve gotta see…

Snufflefungus: Here it is!

Malex: Why Snufflefungus! It’s… I had no idea you could draw amorphous blobs so well!

Snufflefungus: Thanks! But this drawing is a statement on the human condition!

Linus: What? You’re not a human!

Snufflefungus: That’s what makes me particularly qualified to talk about it!

Malex: Well Snufflefungus, that’s quite nice.

Linus: Who are you kidding? It’s a terrible drawing! Terrible bordering on horrific!

Snufflefungus: (Sad.) Horrific? You really think so?

Linus: Absolutely!

Snufflefungus: But… You think I show promise as an artist, right?

Linus: Snufflefungus, I’m afraid the only safe outlet for your creative expression would have to be decorating the underside of flooring tiles. The permanent kind.

Snufflefungus: (Cheers up.) Well that’s something!

Linus: Malex, can you talk some sense into him? I’m not getting through.

Malex: Linus, shut up. Snufflefungus, I think it’s a good drawing! Would you… I mean, would you mind telling me what your piece is about?

Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully.) It’s a statement on the human condition!

Malex: Yes. But what kind of statement exactly?

Snufflefungus: Well, I don’t want alarm anybody, but I have noticed something about some people.

Malex: What’s that, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Well… Some people, and I’m not naming any names… Are mean.

Malex: Mean?

Snufflefungus: What I mean to say is that some people aren’t very nice. And I think they should stop. Not being nice.

Linus: And how did you come to this conclusion?!

Malex: I can’t imagine. Before things come to blows, can we answer an email from a fan?

Linus: Did we actually get an email from a listener?

Malex: Yes.

Linus: Wonderful. And you’ll use this sole communication with a single misguided listener to fuel your irrational devotion to this aimless production for another year. You make me sick.

Malex: (Silence.) Right! Well, this email is from Nathanial Goodbrains of New Las Vegas, The Moon!

Linus: You just made that up, right?

Snufflefungus: One can only hope!

Malex: His first question is directed at me! He asks, “If the crystal orb can give Linus a body, couldn’t you make it do some other things? Like generate a force field to protect you from those who would wish you harm?”

Linus: That’s a laugh and a half. Malex can barely figure out how to make his coffee maker generate coffee. Let’s leave advanced energy field generation out of the equation, shall we?

Malex: To answer your question, Mr. Goodbrains, I really don’t have any idea what the orb can and cannot do. In fact, just the other day Linus spent the whole day three feet off the ground because the Orb was acting crazy. So… I really don’t know.

Linus: You should have fixed it sooner. I felt like a moron.

Snufflefungus: Welcome to the club!

Malex: The next question is directed to Linus! He asks, “Do you feel less bitter and hateful now that you have a human body?”

Linus: What?! How dare you?!! This isn’t a human body! It’s a humanoid body! I look like a human, and there the similarities end! Bah.

Malex: That should answer your question, Mr. Goodbrains. The last question is for Snufflefungus: “What exactly does Ultra-Snuffy’s Ultra-Belt do? Don’t Snufflefungi have telekinetic powers anyway?”

Snufflefungus: (Mildly shocked.) What? Why whatever do you mean? I’m not Ultra-Snuffy, so I wouldn’t know! Besides, uh… Aren’t you not supposed to know that I’m Ultra-Snuffy anyway? What exactly do you know, Mr. Goodbrains? What other sensitive secrets do your brains contain?!

Malex: Well, that was relatively painless.

Linus: Not for me.

Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for putting up with this unredeemable tripe. Hope you find it within your charitable, gracious hearts to come back and listen to us make fools of ourselves again on the Malex Minute next week!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.