Jump to Malex Minute 001Malex Minute 077Malex Minute Archives...Malex Minute 079Jump to Malex Minute 216

Malex Minute 078

Malex Minute Quarter Seven wraps up with a bang when Little Red Riding Squirrel shows up. What’s he up to this time? Give it a listen and find out for yourself! Oh, and don’t forget to let us know what you think.

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

And so we arrive at the ending of yet another Malex Minute quarter. In much the same way as an errant car arrives at the foot of an inconveniently-placed mesa: In pieces and begging for mercy.

Of course I don’t want to place images of destruction and mayhem in your mind. However, if I have done so, by some strange coincidence, I’ll not lose any sleep over it.

Despite the little ditty at the end of this episode, we here at the Malex Media Network™ are not stagnating, creatively or otherwise. In fact, if you strip away all humor, entertainment value, symbolism, and meaning from said ‘ditty,’ you will discover the exact reason for its inclusion.

Ponder that. I dare you.

Quartz and I were talking earlier today about video games. (Hey, it works for them, maybe it’ll work for us.)

In my younger, wilder days, I was something of a video game designer myself. I developed maze/labyrinth/puzzle games which were fun to code, a joy to design, and mind-rendingly painful to play. (I knew I’d made a mistake when nobody could successfully complete the first tutorial level without direct intervention.)

Keep all of that in mind as I explain our newest idea. Our newest nefarious scheme.

The game would be exclusively for the Wii console, and it would be a team game. Each team of two players would be required to cooperatively trace some complex object using their Wiimotes.

For example, Player One and Player Two are cooperatively tracing their object. Player One tips his Wiimote left-to-right while Player Two tips his Wiimote front-to-back. Thus they control their paintbrush. Players Three and Four are attempting something similar.

The catch? Each Player’s ‘unused’ axis would have some measure of influence on the competing team’s paintbrush! Thus, if Player One tips his Wiimote forward, Team B’s paintbrush would begin to erratically spiral down the face of the screen, and only Player Four would have the option to compensate.

And if you wanted to have some real fun, you could enable the mode in which all of the controls are shuffled around at random intervals.

So while thinking about how much ‘fun’ such a ‘game’ would be, I actually started to think about ways to implement it! … And then I remembered why I will always be a terrible game designer: My idea of ‘fun’ is watching other people play games which I invent for the sole purpose of causing mental anguish in all who dare play them.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“The answer to your question is, ‘Yes.’ With a special emphasis on, ‘No.’”

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Snufflefungus, what are you watching?

Linus: He’s watching the local community television station. It’s some really stupid puppet show for children.

Malex: But you’re watching it too.

Linus: Not really, I’m actually watching Snufflefungus watch the show. It’s hilarious!

Television: Now, Bobby the Bulkmaster, that’s not a triangle! Children at home, which of these is a triangle?

Snufflefungus: That one! That one! I can’t point, but I’m tellin’ you with my mind!

Linus: See? He’s getting so into it…

Television: Well Bobby the Bulkmaster, since you were unable to identify the Triangle, you will be executed at the crack of dawn! Unless you can identify the tetrahedron first!

Malex: This is a children’s show?

Linus: It’s imported from Cuba. Communist children love it.

Television: Good bye children! Tune in next time to discover the fate of the poor Bulkmaster!

Snufflefungus: Bye bye!

Television: And now, a word from our sponsor.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hiya childrens! It’s’a me, Little Red Riding Squirrel! I just wanted to let you know I would really like to be your friend! Now, for a short time, I’m available to be friends with you! Individually and together! So remember, if you ever want to sleep soundly again, you need to buy a friendship license from me! It’s only ten easy payments of $19.99! So, if you don’t have the money, feel free to guilt your parents or steal from that nice old lady next door! It’s the best way to guarantee that nobody breaks your legs while you sleep! So call me! My personal cell phone number is flashing on your screens! Please call, I’m so lonely!

Malex: Turn it off before it gets even more pathetic.

~~ TV is turned off.

Linus: I had no idea Little Red Riding Squirrel could be so terrifying.

Snufflefungus: He’s pathetically terrifying!

Malex: What a combo.

George Nelson: Hi! My name’s George Nelson, and I’m here to terrify you! (Laughs manically.)

Snufflefungus: But Mr. Nelson, the livestock!

Malex: You get out of my living room.

George Nelson: Whatever you say, cowboy!

Linus: How did he get in here?

Snufflefungus: Moreover, how did he leave?

Malex: These are questions better left to people who care.

Linus: Good point.

Snufflefungus: Malex, can I have a tricycle?

Linus: What?!

Snufflefungus: See, I’m a big boy! I’m all grown up now, so I can ride one! I can go to the store, I can deliver papers and letters, and I can race!

Malex: But, you don’t even have legs!

Snufflefungus: I can peddle with my mind! Also, I’m serious about the racing. I would win.

Linus: With a tricycle? Are you serious? What could you possibly win?

Snufflefungus: Women! And money for piggy!

Malex: Do you even know what you’re talking about?

Snufflefungus: (Just as excitedly.) No! But I have a wild guess!

Linus: Give him the tricycle, it’ll be funny to watch his dreams collapse under their own weight.

Malex: Snuffy, I’m not going to buy you a tricycle. I’m sorry. If you really want one, you can buy it with your own money.

Snufflefungus: Piggy and I already discussed this. He doesn’t trust me to make the money back from the investment.

Linus: Piggy is clearly more insightful than you.

Snufflefungus: That’s what he said, but I don’t know what it means.

~~ Little Red Riding Squirrel appears.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s’a me! Little Red Riding Squirrel!

Malex: Did you just teleport right into my living room?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yes!

Linus: This explains… so many things.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Buy my friendship!

Malex: No.

Linus: Go away, filthy friendship strumpet.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: What does that even mean?

Linus: I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the filthy friendship strumpet.

Malex: Linus, please. Do I really need to expand your cuss filter to include another fifth of the English language?

Linus: Buddy, I can make ’em up as fast as you can block ’em.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: So… Anybody interested in buying my friendship? It’s such a good deal!

Snufflefungus: Ooh! Me! I love friendship!

Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, nobody wants your friendship. Certainly not for “ten easy payments of $19.99…”

Little Red Riding Squirrel: But I already have almost three-dozen customers! And nearly two-dozen of those are children!

Linus: How distressing! Oh wait, I don’t care.

Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, do their parents know about this… transaction…?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: (Excited.) No! Wanna see their pictures?! See, they’re my friends forever! See? See?

Snufflefungus: Actually, your friendship seems too creepy. I don’t want it anymore.

Malex: These children are all the same lonely, insecure kids who live and breath Harry Potter so they can dream about commanding respect from everyone at school.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: My best customers!

Malex: How dare you prey on these poor children’s insecurities! You should be ashamed of yourself!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: But I’m so lonely! Can you think of a better solution?

Linus: Hmm, let me think… Get a different life!

Malex: Uh, what about these adults… How did you convince them to sign up?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: I signed them up the same way! Most of them sit in a cubicle at work every day and dream about having a friend. So I’m really just providing a community service. It’s a good deed.

Malex: Well, you’ll not find any customers here. Take your good deeds and teleport yourself far, far away from this place.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay! But I’ll be back again!

Linus: Why does everyone always say that?

Malex: Why, look at the time! That’s it for this episode, Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for listening, and we sincerely hope you’ll join us next week as we kick off Malex Minute Quarter Seven!

Linus: I can’t believe it’s been a year and a half since we started doing this terrible show. (Sarcastically.) And I keep wondering where my life has evaporated to. Dear listeners, please make yourselves heard! Send Malex letters demanding that he cease production of this tripe! Make him understand that it’s doing more harm than good! Cease! Desist! Away! Away!

Malex: Linus, I’m turning off the broadcast now.

Linus: (Breaks down into a wailing scream, which cuts off.)

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley, Gabriel Markley, and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to orehek for use of the Television sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

NameSizeAction
Episode Audio4 MB Download Now - 4 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration98.58 KB Download Now - 98.58 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

Friendship strumpet?

Sounds like a British dessert. You guys need to be more vigilant in keeping Snuffy from watching dangerous tv shows. Don't you realize that watching something on tv is like inviting those people and ideas right into your living room. And Snuffy is so impressionable! Thank goodness Piggy has some sense.

Who is George Nelson? Wiki lists a fur trader, an astronaut, a designer, a musician, and a Baron. But I suspect it might have been the notorious "Baby Face" Nelson. Except he's dead.

Malex: Linus, please. Do I really need to expand your cuss filter to include another fifth of the English language?

Linus: Buddy, I can make 'em up as fast as you can block 'em.

Very good!

In closing I must tell you that the Creative Stagnation ditty is now stuck in my head. Thanks heaps, and keep up the good work.

------------------------------

I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

LOL!

I'm not even going to start quoting stuff 'cause this whole episode was funny!

Though, I must admit, the George Nelson thing was a bit confusing... I think I could understand someone randomly appearing in their living room and disappearing but what did Snuffy mean by "But Mr. Nelson, the livestock!" Hmmmm... Well, I've decided to just dismiss it as more of the lovable Malex Minute nonsense.

I love Snuffy's interactions with Piggy. It's so cute!

WAIT!! 0_0 I think I get it. 0_0 X-|

------------------------------

One phrase. Three simple words.

Jesus - A real person

Is - Present tense; living

God - The embodiment of the Sovereign

Everything looks perfect from far away.

Lilly's picture

Very true

"Malex: These children are all the same lonely, insecure kids who live and breath Harry Potter so they can dream about commanding respect from everyone at school."

I've seen it before, hes not kidding :-(|

Everything in this episode was funny, i nearly scared my kitty i was laughing so hard! X-D

------------------------------

The world is round!

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Alex's picture

^_^

I'm so glad you enjoyed this episode! It's always incredibly helpful to hear when people like an episode.

--Alex Markley

"Something tells me there's a monster in my soup."

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Peter's picture

Yeah!

Thank you! XD

-------

This bliss is not ignorance - my intellect has rested its case; the jury has reached its verdict; my emotions are now free.

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

My thoughts

Hey, Malex, I noticed from your "thoughts" section on MalexMinute.com, as well as from some of the elements of the last couple episodes, that you are anxious and perhaps a bit downcast about the fact that 2 people said they stopped listening. I can understand your distress, but at the same time, as a person producing various forms of entertainment for the public, you will inevitably encounter such situations throughout your career. Afterall, it is not realistically possible to create all episodes as equally funny to all people. I just wanted to encourage you. I know you guys all really work hard and put a lot of time, effort, thought, and imagination into the Malex Minute. I am very impressed that you have been putting out a Malex Minute every week for a year and a half, and you are still coming up with new stuff that is genuinely funny. I know I personally could not achieve such a feat. I do not want you to feel too distressed by these occurences, as I do not see them as anything that ought to be unexpected. In addition, I wanted you to know that I thought Malex Minute 077, which is a very recent episode, was absolutely hilarious!! I really laughed...it was soooo good. I can genuinely say that this episode had me going. It was really good!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Alex's picture

^_^

"I wanted you to know that I thought Malex Minute 077, which is a very recent episode, was absolutely hilarious!!" --Noble Wisdom

I really appreciate your compliment. It's always very good for me to hear if people are enjoying the work that I and my brothers do.

You're right that it's impossible to create anything which is universally entertaining to all people, let alone a series as long as the Malex Minute. However, this particular situation was a bit different than that. I had actually begun to neglect the Malex Minute in some ways, and I really got a wake-up call through some of the comments I got.

It's okay now, since I and my brothers have really stepped up to the plate in caring more for the scripts before they get produced and trying not to treat the production like a chore.

In fact, this coming episode (episode 080) will, IMHO, be one of the funniest to hit in quite a long time. I'm very much looking forward to seeing what people think. :-D

ttyl

--Alex Markley

"Crap, I have levitation class at 25:131. Better set the alarm to 'cinnamon'."

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

lol, your predictions for

lol, your predictions for Malex Minute 080 came true!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths."

- Proverbs 3:5-6

Jump to Malex Minute 001Malex Minute 077Malex Minute Archives...Malex Minute 079Jump to Malex Minute 216