Malex Minute Quarter Seven wraps up with a bang when Little Red Riding Squirrel shows up. What’s he up to this time? Give it a listen and find out for yourself! Oh, and don’t forget to let us know what you think.
And so we arrive at the ending of yet another Malex Minute quarter. In much the same way as an errant car arrives at the foot of an inconveniently-placed mesa: In pieces and begging for mercy.
Of course I don’t want to place images of destruction and mayhem in your mind. However, if I have done so, by some strange coincidence, I’ll not lose any sleep over it.
Despite the little ditty at the end of this episode, we here at the Malex Media Network™ are not stagnating, creatively or otherwise. In fact, if you strip away all humor, entertainment value, symbolism, and meaning from said ‘ditty,’ you will discover the exact reason for its inclusion.
Ponder that. I dare you.
Quartz and I were talking earlier today about video games. (Hey, it works for them, maybe it’ll work for us.)
In my younger, wilder days, I was something of a video game designer myself. I developed maze/labyrinth/puzzle games which were fun to code, a joy to design, and mind-rendingly painful to play. (I knew I’d made a mistake when nobody could successfully complete the first tutorial level without direct intervention.)
Keep all of that in mind as I explain our newest idea. Our newest nefarious scheme.
The game would be exclusively for the Wii console, and it would be a team game. Each team of two players would be required to cooperatively trace some complex object using their Wiimotes.
For example, Player One and Player Two are cooperatively tracing their object. Player One tips his Wiimote left-to-right while Player Two tips his Wiimote front-to-back. Thus they control their paintbrush. Players Three and Four are attempting something similar.
The catch? Each Player’s ‘unused’ axis would have some measure of influence on the competing team’s paintbrush! Thus, if Player One tips his Wiimote forward, Team B’s paintbrush would begin to erratically spiral down the face of the screen, and only Player Four would have the option to compensate.
And if you wanted to have some real fun, you could enable the mode in which all of the controls are shuffled around at random intervals.
So while thinking about how much ‘fun’ such a ‘game’ would be, I actually started to think about ways to implement it! … And then I remembered why I will always be a terrible game designer: My idea of ‘fun’ is watching other people play games which I invent for the sole purpose of causing mental anguish in all who dare play them.
“The answer to your question is, ‘Yes.’ With a special emphasis on, ‘No.’”
Malex: Snufflefungus, what are you watching?
Linus: He’s watching the local community television station. It’s some really stupid puppet show for children.
Malex: But you’re watching it too.
Linus: Not really, I’m actually watching Snufflefungus watch the show. It’s hilarious!
Television: Now, Bobby the Bulkmaster, that’s not a triangle! Children at home, which of these is a triangle?
Snufflefungus: That one! That one! I can’t point, but I’m tellin’ you with my mind!
Linus: See? He’s getting so into it…
Television: Well Bobby the Bulkmaster, since you were unable to identify the Triangle, you will be executed at the crack of dawn! Unless you can identify the tetrahedron first!
Malex: This is a children’s show?
Linus: It’s imported from Cuba. Communist children love it.
Television: Good bye children! Tune in next time to discover the fate of the poor Bulkmaster!
Snufflefungus: Bye bye!
Television: And now, a word from our sponsor.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Hiya childrens! It’s’a me, Little Red Riding Squirrel! I just wanted to let you know I would really like to be your friend! Now, for a short time, I’m available to be friends with you! Individually and together! So remember, if you ever want to sleep soundly again, you need to buy a friendship license from me! It’s only ten easy payments of $19.99! So, if you don’t have the money, feel free to guilt your parents or steal from that nice old lady next door! It’s the best way to guarantee that nobody breaks your legs while you sleep! So call me! My personal cell phone number is flashing on your screens! Please call, I’m so lonely!
Malex: Turn it off before it gets even more pathetic.
~~ TV is turned off.
Linus: I had no idea Little Red Riding Squirrel could be so terrifying.
Snufflefungus: He’s pathetically terrifying!
Malex: What a combo.
George Nelson: Hi! My name’s George Nelson, and I’m here to terrify you! (Laughs manically.)
Snufflefungus: But Mr. Nelson, the livestock!
Malex: You get out of my living room.
George Nelson: Whatever you say, cowboy!
Linus: How did he get in here?
Snufflefungus: Moreover, how did he leave?
Malex: These are questions better left to people who care.
Linus: Good point.
Snufflefungus: Malex, can I have a tricycle?
Snufflefungus: See, I’m a big boy! I’m all grown up now, so I can ride one! I can go to the store, I can deliver papers and letters, and I can race!
Malex: But, you don’t even have legs!
Snufflefungus: I can peddle with my mind! Also, I’m serious about the racing. I would win.
Linus: With a tricycle? Are you serious? What could you possibly win?
Snufflefungus: Women! And money for piggy!
Malex: Do you even know what you’re talking about?
Snufflefungus: (Just as excitedly.) No! But I have a wild guess!
Linus: Give him the tricycle, it’ll be funny to watch his dreams collapse under their own weight.
Malex: Snuffy, I’m not going to buy you a tricycle. I’m sorry. If you really want one, you can buy it with your own money.
Snufflefungus: Piggy and I already discussed this. He doesn’t trust me to make the money back from the investment.
Linus: Piggy is clearly more insightful than you.
Snufflefungus: That’s what he said, but I don’t know what it means.
~~ Little Red Riding Squirrel appears.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: It’s’a me! Little Red Riding Squirrel!
Malex: Did you just teleport right into my living room?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Yes!
Linus: This explains… so many things.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Buy my friendship!
Linus: Go away, filthy friendship strumpet.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: What does that even mean?
Linus: I don’t know, you tell me. You’re the filthy friendship strumpet.
Malex: Linus, please. Do I really need to expand your cuss filter to include another fifth of the English language?
Linus: Buddy, I can make ’em up as fast as you can block ’em.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: So… Anybody interested in buying my friendship? It’s such a good deal!
Snufflefungus: Ooh! Me! I love friendship!
Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, nobody wants your friendship. Certainly not for “ten easy payments of $19.99…”
Little Red Riding Squirrel: But I already have almost three-dozen customers! And nearly two-dozen of those are children!
Linus: How distressing! Oh wait, I don’t care.
Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, do their parents know about this… transaction…?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: (Excited.) No! Wanna see their pictures?! See, they’re my friends forever! See? See?
Snufflefungus: Actually, your friendship seems too creepy. I don’t want it anymore.
Malex: These children are all the same lonely, insecure kids who live and breath Harry Potter so they can dream about commanding respect from everyone at school.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: My best customers!
Malex: How dare you prey on these poor children’s insecurities! You should be ashamed of yourself!
Little Red Riding Squirrel: But I’m so lonely! Can you think of a better solution?
Linus: Hmm, let me think… Get a different life!
Malex: Uh, what about these adults… How did you convince them to sign up?
Little Red Riding Squirrel: I signed them up the same way! Most of them sit in a cubicle at work every day and dream about having a friend. So I’m really just providing a community service. It’s a good deed.
Malex: Well, you’ll not find any customers here. Take your good deeds and teleport yourself far, far away from this place.
Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay! But I’ll be back again!
Linus: Why does everyone always say that?
Malex: Why, look at the time! That’s it for this episode, Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for listening, and we sincerely hope you’ll join us next week as we kick off Malex Minute Quarter Seven!
Linus: I can’t believe it’s been a year and a half since we started doing this terrible show. (Sarcastically.) And I keep wondering where my life has evaporated to. Dear listeners, please make yourselves heard! Send Malex letters demanding that he cease production of this tripe! Make him understand that it’s doing more harm than good! Cease! Desist! Away! Away!
Malex: Linus, I’m turning off the broadcast now.
Linus: (Breaks down into a wailing scream, which cuts off.)
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, Gabriel Markley, and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.