Malex and Friends meet an interesting new person who doesn’t seem to understand Snufflefungus at all. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!
Recently, I have come to believe that the world is made out a particular kind of cheese. This cheese is called Dirt. It tastes horrible, and it will kill you if you eat too much of it, but it is cheese nonetheless. It also seems likely to assume that this curd of a planet came from a gigantic space cow, which squirted it out along with the rest of the milky whey.
You may disparage my remarks as being wildly unscientific, but that wouldn’t be very open-minded of you. So there.
Anyway, on the subject of the actual Malex Minute, I’ve been having a great difficulty with it lately. Over the past two weeks, I actually had two people inform me that they’ve stopped liking the Malex Minute. One person even went so far as to tell me that the Malex Minute just wasn’t funny anymore.
As you might guess, this has been difficult news for me to digest. All the work I put into this beast means that I feel very attached to it. If somebody doesn’t like it, that’s hard for me to swallow.
In response, my brothers and I worked even harder this week to produce an episode that you would love.
Please feel free to let me know if you got even a tiny little spark of enjoyment out of this week’s episode. It would help to balance out the bitterness.
“Why are you still reading? This is the end!”
Malex: Hey everybody! Welcome to the new and improved Malex Minute!
Linus: It’s exactly the way it used to be, only I’m even grumpier.
Malex: Really? I can’t imagine why…
Linus: Well, I changed from being fat to being dark-haired and handsome, and my woman dumped me!
Malex: And why is that?
Linus: I have no idea! How am I supposed to know! Women are a mystery, and I’m too beautiful to have to figure them out!
Malex: And your rampant narcissism has absolutely nothing to do with it, right?
Linus: Nothing whatsoever!
~~ Knock on the door.
Malex: Where is Snufflefungus? Don’t we usually have him answer the door so he can scare away door-to-door salesmen?
Linus: I’ll have you know, the correct term is sales-personages.
Malex: Did the political-correctness bug bite you too?
Linus: Yes. Yes it did. My vision is tinted liberal, and I’m thinking about enacting some socialized medicine or something.
Malex: Have fun with that.
~~ Another knock on the door.
Malex: (Opens door.) Oh uh… Sorry about that, what can I do for you?
Mike: Actually, I just came over to say hi! My name’s Mike, and I– Whoa, what’s that?!
Linus: Snufflefungus, where were you! We expected you to answer the door!
Mike: What did you do to your dog?! He ain’t got no legs, but he seems happy anyway!
Mike: I don’t know, it just seems wrong somehow…
Snufflefungus: What do you mean, mister? What dog are you talking about?
Mike: (Really astounded.) Oh, man your dog talks! That’s awesome!
Linus: Are you alright in the mind?
Mike: I wanna buy your dog man! How much for your dog!
Snufflefungus: Malex, what is he talking about?
Malex: Mike, Snufflefungus is not for sale.
Linus: Also, he’s not a dog, he’s an alien.
Mike: Oh come on, I’ll make an offer you can’t refuse! Seriously, I can make an offer you won’t be able to refuse!
Mike: Here, you can have whatever’s in my pockets! It’ll blow you away!
Snufflefungus: Really? Am I really worth all that?!
Mike: Let’s see here, I’ve got um… Let’s see um… I’ve got uh, 35 cents and an empty cigarette pack!
Snufflefungus: (Disappointed.) Oh…
Mike: That’s not nearly as impressive as I thought it would be, uh… But I guess my wallet’s been suffering from a case of the running on empty, if you know what I mean! (Laughs inappropriately.) Yeah, you know what I mean?!
Malex: Actually, I don’t know anything about what you apparently mean. Snufflefungus is not for sale.
Mike: But… Your dog is so awesome! Do you have any idea what I would do with a talking dog?!
Malex: No, we don’t. And I’m pretty sure you don’t either.
Mike: Actually, you’re right. But it would be awesome!
Linus: Besides, Snufflefungus is not a dog. What part of your hideously malformed brain is so stuck that it fails to register this comparatively simple fact?!
Mike: (Laughs.) Man, you know too many words!
Linus: Well that answers my question while simultaneously revealing my only weakness: People who are too stupid to receive the full brunt of my verbal blows.
Snufflefungus: It’s alright, Linus. You’ll always have me!
Linus: How comforting.
Malex: Mike, I must ask… Why did you knock on our door?
Mike: I just moved in! I’m a new neighbor! I’m here to meet people and introduce myself, you know what I mean?!
Linus: Actually, I don’t, considering the fact that none of the houses on our street have been for sale in years.
Mike: Oh yeah! Well, I’m from the next street over!
Linus: There either.
Mike: The other direction!
Linus: All four directions.
Mike: Alright, you got me. I’m here for other reasons.
Malex: And those would be…
Mike: (Conspiratorial.) Dude I can hook you up, man! You looking for unhindered passage out of the country? I got that!
Linus: What are you even talking about?! Passage out of the country?!
Mike: Keep your voice down, man! It’s not pretty, but it’ll get you over the border in any direction you want. I’ve got bus tickets to Canada, Mexico, Cuba, Michigan… You name it, I gots it!
Malex: But, we can leave the country any time we want. We’re citizens.
Mike: Aw, that’s all propaganda! The same people’s want you to believe that as killed Kennedy!
Malex: I’m horrified by how much sense that sentence made, considering the overall poor quality of its construction and grammar…
Mike: I never wasn’t one for them schools and learning and stuff, you know what I mean?!
Snufflefungus: Who is Can-edy?
Linus: He’s terribly, terribly dead.
Malex: That’s pretty much the only thing most people can agree on.
Snufflefungus: Everybody agrees that Can-edy is dead?
Mike: I don’t! I think his brain was stolen and cloned by aliens to create super-Kennedy, who plots to assassinate other presidents to this very day!
Linus: Aha! So you do understand the concept of aliens! Snufflefungus here is an alien! Not a dog!
Mike: (Laughs inappropriately.) Is he crazy or something?! That’s hilarious!
Linus: Yes. I’m stark, raving mad.
Mike: So, back to my business proposition! I’m arranging simple, no-questions-asked passage out of the country. I hear Michigan is very nice this time of year…
Malex: You couldn’t have heard that. It’s a lie. Besides, Michigan is part of this country.
Mike: What? Are you serious?
Linus: I’m afraid so, Michelle.
Mike: Well then I’m gonna have to mark these down.
Snufflefungus: Malex, can I buy some? I’ve always wanted to leave the country illegally!
Malex: (Snaps.) But it’s not illegal! We’re free to come and go as we please! That’s the whole point!
Mike: Man, you’re crazy too!
Snufflefungus: Mister, one ticket to Michigan, please!
Mike: Sure! That’ll be 3500… Um uh, well uh… What do you got?
Snufflefungus: Lemme go get my piggy!
Malex: Wait a minute, is that a two-way ticket?
Mike: No… Why would you want to come back to the country if you just worked so hard to sneak out, you know?
Malex: Snufflefungus, you may not buy anything from this man.
Snufflefungus: Aw… Well, okay. Mister Mike, would you like to pet Piggy? He’s friendly!
Malex: Snufflefungus, put Piggy away.
Mike: No business, eh? Well that’s okay, I’ll be back later!
Linus: I hope very much that that doesn’t turn out to be true.
Malex: Well look at the time, folks! I guess that’s it for this episode. Thanks for listening, and I hope you’ll join us next week on the Malex Minute! Quick, lock the door.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, Gabriel Markley, and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.