This week only: A shocking revelation about Linus’s character! Give it a listen and let us know what you think.
Linus has never been the most deep character on the show here. He has boasted a number of character attributes, but I’ve been… hesitant to consistently apply them.
After all, one thing which is simultaneously hilarious and endearing in printed form may be nigh unto impossible to depict audibly without the result being… edgy.
As a writer, I’ve had quite a struggle keeping Linus’s character consistent, generally inoffensive, and anything even approaching interesting to the audience. My partner has no such complaints, but keep in mind that this is the man who puts ranch dressing on his pizza.
We recently (as you may remember) gave Linus freedom from the restrictions of his Laptop body. That was a major step forward for artistic freedom, but as a writer… I hunger for more.
Today, we proudly reveal a sneak peak of a preview of a concept which we’ve vaguely considered for almost five whole minutes. We hope you enjoy it.
“Under no circumstances will it ever be acceptable to place your hand where your brains should be! … Even if it seems like a good idea at the time, it’s probably not.”
Malex: Welcome, everybody! I’m Malex, and I’ll be your host today!
Snufflefungus: And I’m lead interrogator!
Malex: What? We’re just going to be interviewing him, not interrogating him…
Snufflefungus: What’s the difference?
Linus: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Snufflefungus: (Screams.) Help! Malex! There’s a strange person in our house!
Malex: Linus, is that you?
Linus: Of course it’s me, you dolt! I’ve been experimenting with my appearance!
Malex: You weren’t happy with your previous form?
Snufflefungus: Don’t you remember, Malex? Linus looked like a plastic namby-pamby before! Anything would have been an improvement!
Linus: Thanks a lot, Snuffy.
Snufflefungus: You’re welcome!
Malex: So, you went from being a thin, albeit effeminate blondie, to a red-haired, red-bearded, 400-pound geezer.
Linus: I’m just… you know… experimenting…
Snufflefungus: You might wanna experiment in the other direction.
Linus: So what are we doing this episode?
Malex: Well, actually, we’re interviewing you!
Snufflefungus: How do you respond to accusations that The Linus Formerly Known as Linus the Laptop has been making VoIP calls to Dallas every single day!
Linus: What? Accusations?!
Snufflefungus: And furthermore, do you refute new evidence that suggests you are, in fact, morbidly obese!
Linus: Don’t make me sit on you!
Snufflefungus: Lastly, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?!
Linus: Gee… I don’t know if I have a favorite…
Snufflefungus: Mister, don’t tell me you got to be that size without establishing a distinct preference!
Malex: Okay, that’s enough of that. Snufflefungus, you’ll never make a good reporter. I’m sorry, that’s just how it is.
Snufflefungus: That’s okay, I can always fall back to libratorr!
Malex: What? What’s a Libratorr?
Snufflefungus: You know… like a librarian, only…
Linus: I think he thinks it’s the masculine version of Librarian.
Malex: Snufflefungus, ‘librarian’ is a gender-neutral word.
Snufflefungus: But… when I called that stand up comic guy a comedienne, he threatened to turn me inside out!
Linus: That’s because comedienne isn’t gender-neutral.
Snufflefungus: So wait, librarian is gender-neutral, but comedienne isn’t?
Linus: Why are you asking us this stuff? Weren’t you trained as some kind of walking dictionary? (A trait first observed all the way back in Malex Minute 003. ——Alex)
Snufflefungus: Yeah, I have a dictionary in my brain, but I sometimes forget to use it.
Malex: Wait, you can turn that stuff on and off?
Snufflefungus: Sure! Can’t you?
Malex: I’m not sure I know what you mean…
Snufflefungus: I can turn on and off every part of my brain!
Linus: Why would you want to do that?!
Snufflefungus: To conserve energy! I’m just doing my part to conserve our naturally-occurring fuels.
Linus: Okay, this conversation is now officially too weird to continue.
Malex: I agree. So, back on the subject of your appearance, what will your next experiment be?
Linus: I was thinking… tiger stripes!
Malex: I might have to kick you out of this house.
Linus: I was just kidding! Gosh… Seriously though, my woman doesn’t like the poundage I’ve been putting on, so I’m thinking more of a tall, slim, brown-haired wonder-boy type deal.
Malex: Wait… your woman?!
Snufflefungus: The truth comes out!
Linus: Uh, did I say that out loud? I meant, my buddies. From overseas. In space.
Malex: So that’s what you’ve been doing calling Dallas every day!
Linus: (Hesitant grunt.)
Snufflefungus: Who is she?! More importantly, what is she?!
Linus: What do you mean, what is she?!
Snufflefungus: Well, you know these Internet relationships, most often that cute girl turns out to be an old man wearing suspenders, a beard, and a creepy smile!
Malex: I’m horrified that you know this.
Snufflefungus: You don’t know the half of it, buster.
Malex: Sure. So Linus, are you going to spill it? Who is she?
Linus: Well, you remember that the Mail Server emailed me around valentine’s day? (Check out Malex Minute 049. ——Alex)
Malex: Sure, but she rejected you right afterward.
Linus: Well… Apparently she’s been ‘impressed’ with my recent reforms, and after I apologized to her for the horrible things I said, she was totally ready to hang out!
Malex: On the phone.
Snufflefungus: I’m speechless.
Linus: That’s a first. Anyway, it’s cool. We’re friends now.
Malex: I would have never guessed. Oh, look at the time, Ladies and Gentlemen! I guess that’s it for this episode. Thanks a lot for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week on the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.