Malex’s terror of orangutans: well-founded or the result of an unhinged mind? Give this week’s episode a listen to find out for yourself! Oh, and don’t forget to let us know what you think.
This Malex Minute episode is unique in that it is the only episode I have ever written while attending an incredibly loud (and poorly mixed) concert.
See, this week was the July 4th, which we Yankees celebrate as our Independence Day.
This year I was one of the half-million people who celebrated by cramming themselves into downtown Columbus, Ohio to attend Red, White & Boom on the 3rd.
Red, White & Boom claims to be the largest fireworks display in the Midwest, and it very well might be. In addition to the fireworks themselves, there are a number of random festivities packed in during the afternoon, such as a parade and a concert or two.
In short, it’s usually a madhouse.
Now, nobody in their right mind would bring a laptop to such an event, let alone try to get work done on it. However, it’s been well-established for years now that I’m not in my right mind.
Even I wouldn’t usually have attempted something so ludicrous, but I had promised my brother that I would have the Malex Minute script done by the 4th, and it wasn’t until I was leaving for the festivities on the 3rd that I remembered.
So if you’re listening to this week’s episode and wondering why it is the way it is, just remember that I’m a maniac.
“Why do I quote myself every week?”
Malex: Hey everybody, welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m Malex, and I’ll be your host today, along with Snufflefungus–
Snufflefungus: (Said like two words.) Howdy!
Malex: –and Linus!
Linus: Ladies and Gentlemen, Malex’s thin veneer of sanity has finally worn through.
Snufflefungus: It’s those Orangutans… They hurt his mind.
Linus: It doesn’t take much to hurt Malex’s mind. It’s so small and fragile…
Malex: I think I should be offended.
Linus: In fact, it was only yesterday that Malex finally lost it.
Snufflefungus: Let’s do a flashback!
Snufflefungus: What? What is it, Malex?
Malex: I just saw an Orangutan staring at me through the window!
Linus: Well don’t look back. I’m pretty sure they believe that they can’t see you if you can’t see them. They’ll never know you’re here.
Malex: Oh no. I’m pretty sure they know I’m here.
~~ End Flashback.
Malex: How did you do that?
Snufflefungus: So as you can see, the encounter with the Orangutan at the zoo has damaged Malex’s mind.
Malex: Guys, I really did see an Orangutan.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, at the zoo!
Malex: Yes, and I saw one just outside the window! It was creepy as all get-out!
Linus: The flaw in your logic is that it can’t be here and in the zoo at the same time.
Malex: Well it must have escaped!
Linus: It couldn’t have!
Malex: That moose did.
Linus: Ow! Why do you have to remind me about that!
Malex: Because it’s hilarious. Anyway, are you feeling any better yet?
Linus: Sure! I haven’t been in pain hardly at all… It’s just that every time I round a corner I’m terrified I’ll encounter another of those demon moose things.
Malex: (Drawn out.) Oh really? Well then I guess you know how I feel!
Snufflefungus: Uh, Malex?
Malex: And you can stop teasing me too. I’ve had about enough–
Snufflefungus: I see Orangutans outside the window.
Malex: What did I just say about teasing?! A little bit of friendly ribbing is one thing, but you guys have been going on about this for two weeks solid!
Malex: (Anger.) What?!
Linus: He’s not kidding.
Malex: (Disbelief.) What?
Snufflefungus: It actually looks like we’re under siege.
Linus: Yeah, there are a lot of Orangutans out there, and it looks like they form a completely unbroken circle around the house.
Malex: (Screams again.)
Snufflefungus: Well what do you know? As soon as you looked out the window, they all pointed at you!
Linus: Okay, Malex. I can no longer deny that the Orangutans seem to like you a lot, but–
Malex: Like me?! They don’t like me, they hate me.
Snufflefungus: How could they hate you?
Malex: I don’t know, but they’ve been terrorizing me since I was a kid. Nobody would ever believe me, but they stalked me for like a year when I was nine.
Snufflefungus: Okay… I’m slightly creeped out.
Linus: That’s like something out of a really bad movie.
Malex: I know! But it’s true!
Snufflefungus: So what did you do to offend them?
Malex: I dunno.
Linus: More to the point, what did you do to make them leave?
Malex: I dunno…
Linus: Well that’s really not useful.
Malex: (Freaking out.) It’s not useful, it’s traumatizing!
Snufflefungus: I’m so sorry, Malex.
Linus: So what do we do now?
Malex: I dunno, uh… Hey, maybe if we ignore them, they’ll go away.
Linus: Sure, that makes sense.
Malex: Well fellas, uh, get comfy. It’s going to be a long winter.
Linus: I’ve never ridden out a siege before. Should be fun.
Snufflefungus: Malex, what happens if the Orangutans cut the power?
Malex: What? That won’t happen.
Snufflefungus: But what if it does?
Malex: Well I guess the stuff in the freezer will go bad. I’m not leaving the house just because… (Trails off in thought.)
Linus: Aren’t the Big Men With Clubs frozen solid in a chest freezer in the basement?
Malex: Yeah. Well, we’ll just have to hope the Orangutans aren’t smart enough to cut the power–
~~ Power outage cuts everything suddenly.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.