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Malex Minute 069

Malex and friends finally visit the zoo. But will they make it out alive? Give it a listen, and let us know what you think!

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

Wow! I must just have this thing for writing scripts at the very last minute. This week’s script wasn’t even finished until two in the afternoon on Thursday! Which generally makes for a rush job all Thursday afternoon and evening to get it done on time.

All’s well that ends well though; at least, that’s what they tell me. And this week’s episode came out superlatively! Major, major kudos to Fopsworth and Quartz for pulling it out of the fire yet again. :)

You might guess that things have been crazy here lately. And if you did, you’d be right.

As you may or may not know, MalexMedia.Net™ is based on Drupal, with some highly customized code by yours truly. My custom code makes every aspect of the Malex Media Network possible. Our music, our videos, our paying clients’ media, and even MalexMinute.com all revolve around my customized code for Drupal.

Unfortunately, bitrot happens, and while my custom code works great on Drupal 4.7.6, the rest of the world is already up to Drupal 5.1. In fact, they’re working on releasing Drupal 6 within the next few months, and none of my code will even begin to function with Drupal 5 yet!

I’ve got a list of problems as long as my arm, and an even longer list of features I’d like to implement. (Most of which will require re-writing old code anyway.) Add to this the fact that some of this crusty old code is left over from way back in November 2005 and suddenly I’ve got quite a mess on my hands.

I can just hear somebody asking why we need to bother upgrading. The sad fact is, the Internet is a dangerous place, even for super-awesome beefy servers like MalexMedia.Net. I have to be careful about every possible bug and security hole.

We’re okay for the moment, but if I fall behind Drupal’s support curve, the server might become vulnerable to a security hole later on. Such a security hole might put the server at the mercy of any attacker who wanted it. And if I’m not prepared to do an upgrade now, what makes me think a security concern would allow me to upgrade any faster?

So yeah, upgrading will be necessary sooner than later.

Also, bitrot isn’t fun.

Anyway, so now I’m actively working on revamping (even rewriting) most of this code. It’s a big job, and it’ll probably take me months. But eventually, we’ll start seeing some much-needed upgrades to the whole system. (Comments on MalexMinute.com, anybody?)

I’ll post more info in my blog and in the main MalexMedia.Net™ news section later on.


——Alex Markley

“Good day old chaps. Anybody up for a friendly game of Turtle Tennis?”


~~ Introduction

Malex: Here we are at the zoo. You happy yet?

Linus: Oh yes! I’ve been looking forward to seeing the animals.

Snufflefungus: I have too! We can see the bunnies, and the monkeys, and the hampies, and the tundies, and–

Malex: Uh, tundy? What in the world is a tundy?

Snufflefungus: You’ve never heard of a tundy?

Malex: No…

Linus: I haven’t either.

Snufflefungus: It’s a really, really, really cute creature who eats leaves and carrots. It’s so happy and cute that all the little children want one for a pet! Except… (Slightly frightened.) None of them are ever allowed…

Linus: Why not?

Snufflefungus: Because, if a tundy accidentally sits on you, you die! (Inexplicably happy again.)

Malex: Whoa! How?! I mean, if it’s a cute little creature–

Snufflefungus: I didn’t say it’s little! It’s cute, and it’s a mile tall!

Linus: (Screams like a little girl.)

Malex: Well, there are no tundies here on Earth.

Snufflefungus: (Relieved.) Oh, whew. I was afraid we might see one here.

Linus: I need to practice rolling my eyes… It’s more complicated with a humanoid body…

Malex: Alright, so what do you want to see first?

Snufflefungus: The orangutans.

Linus: Yup, the orangutans.

Malex: Oh come on guys, not this again!

Snufflefungus: You are afraid of the orangutans!

Malex: No, I don’t think so.

Linus: Prove it!

Malex: Fine!

Linus: Perfect!

Malex: I will!

Snufflefungus: Alright!

Malex: No sweat…

~~ By the Orangutan Exhibit.

Snufflefungus: There it is! It’s… Oh my.

Linus: Man, that thing is huge! It’s gotta be six feet tall!

Malex: Uh, guys… It’s staring right at me.

Linus: That’s gotta be your imagination.

Malex: No, I don’t think it is, it– (Screams.) Now it’s pointing at me!

Snufflefungus: That is pretty creepy.

Malex: What do you want from me, demon orangutan?! I’ll give you anything, anything I tell you! Just leave me alone! I can’t go through this again! (Begins weeping.)

Snufflefungus: Malex, I’m so sorry. I should have realized.

Linus: You’re making a scene, Malex. Let’s go.

Malex: You’re right. We can go.

Linus: Ooh! An ice cream vendor! Can we have some?

Snufflefungus: Yeah, can we? Please?

Malex: At $17 a scoop? Not a chance! These vendors are all the same. They’ve got a monopoly, and they take every chance to suck your wallet dry.

Linus: Okay Malex, whatever you say.

Vendor: Hey! Hey! You gotta pay for that!

Snufflefungus: What happened? I didn’t see! I already hopped past!

Malex: Linus! Did you just steal some ice cream?!

Linus: I– I didn’t– I didn’t mean to! I don’t understand what happened! I was just walking by and my arm reached out and grabbed it!

Vendor: Yeah, I’m sure! You probably do the same thing with banks! I’m going to call security!

Malex: No no, no need. I’ll pay for it.

Snufflefungus: But– But– I want some too! How come Linus gets ice cream and I don’t!

Malex: Make that two, please.

Vendor: That’ll be $36.

Malex: Hold on! It should only be $34!

Vendor: Plus a stupid tax. Anybody who buys treats from a vendor like me won’t know the difference.

Malex: Fine, here… (Grumbles.)

Vendor: Nice doing business with you!

Linus: I don’t think I want the ice cream.

Malex: You really don’t know how it got into your hand, do you?

Linus: Sure I do! My hand reached out and grabbed it! I just don’t know what got into my hand!

Snufflefungus: The ice cream. The ice cream got into your hand.

Linus: But that was after the reaching and the grabbing. What about before?

Malex: I think I know what happened, actually. That Orb is projecting you a virtual body from all the way back at the house. Remember how Anonymous warned us about its origins? (During Episode 066. ——Alex the Rockin’)

Snufflefungus: Yes! It was… No, I don’t remember.

Linus: Well, the Orb came from Jeffrey, who got it from Mr. Eyebrows.

Snufflefungus: Who is Satan.

Malex: Right, and Anonymous also hinted that it might be a struggle to keep the Orb in check. I think we may have just gotten a taste of that.

Linus: Well, I’m ready for a struggle. I like having a body.

Snufflefungus: You do? What about you getting hurt all the time? Doesn’t that faze you?

Linus: Well, I don’t like that part. But on the bright side, I haven’t gotten hurt all week!

Zoo Staff: The moose! It’s loose! The moose has gotten loose!

Visitor: Run! Run for your lives!

~~ Moose grunts and gallops toward Linus.

Linus: Oh no! (Screams.)

Malex: Well everybody, it looks like we’re out of time this episode. We hope you enjoyed it and will join us again next week for more Malex Minute!

~~ End


Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to espectral for use of the Zoo Villa sound effect.

Thanks to pushtobreak for use of the Family Crowds sound effect.

Thanks to Pfujimoto for use of the Moose Calls sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

Episode Audio3.27 MB Download Now - 3.27 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration143.32 KB Download Now - 143.32 KB View Now - Episode Illustration


Moose on the loose

Aside from the fact that this could be the title of a Dr. Seuss book, it actually happened to us! Really, Malex, I guess you do live kind of a wild life.

Vendor: Plus a stupid tax.

Oz should appreciate this.

Malex: What do you want from me, demon orangutan?! I'll give you anything, anything I tell you! Just leave me alone! I can't go through this again! (Begins weeping.)

Snufflefungus: Malex, I'm so sorry. I should have realized.

Realized what? Go through what again? :-?

This episode is very funny. I hope Snuffy had a good time in spite of all the tragedy and mayhem.

And what is bitrot?


I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Lilly's picture

: D

LOL! This episode was so funny! I really liked the tail X-D


"You have no power over me."-labrynth

I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City

Anyone still read new comments?

This news story, for some unknown reason, reminded me of these episodes

Peter's picture

Yup, when they actually come

That's too bad about "Sally" (depending on one's empathy toward animals). Hopefully the association with Malex Minute episodes 068, 069, 070, & 071 was an appropriately mood-lightening one. ;) :-P

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy (Contradictionary - Party)

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