I’m actually sitting in Newark, Ohio as I type this. Now, the reason I mention this is to give another example of my completely broken imagination.

See, since Newark is such an incredibly small town, you can hardly help driving right past the local police station, which is imaginatively called the Newark Police Department.

All okay so far. That is, until my imagination kicks into high gear.

Suddenly, I couldn’t help but imagine: What if the official Newark Police Department acronym was NYPD?

How many years would it take for somebody to notice? And if someone did notice, would the ‘NYPD’ bother doing anything about it?

I wonder about these things. It’s a sure sign that something is wrong.

Anyhow, after the music thing in today’s episode, I feel I should reassure everyone that I am still composing and producing music. In fact, my new EP should be released either late this summer or some time this fall.

I am also still performing live as a DJ. In fact, the purchase of several new pieces of equipment is encouraging me to revamp my live show and push it harder than ever.

Seriously though, my new EP is going to be a blast. I’m hesitant to say too much about it this early in the game, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to rock everybody’s socks off. If I can pull it off, it’ll be the most consistently dancy disk I’ve ever put together.

(Whispers to add unnecessary suspense.) It might even be a mix-set.

Now, you might be wondering why I’ve never released a disk as a mix-set before. Of course, as a DJ I should want to flex my muscles and show off my 1337 skills, right? Sure! Except I’ve always wanted other DJs to play my music more. And if the track is already mixed, that makes it next to impossible for another DJ to do anything with it.

So, if all goes well, this disk will have a mix-set on one side, and unmixed versions of all the tracks on the other. That way people like you and me can just listen all the way through without any breaks, and those crazy DJs can do their thing too.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“What? No eggs?!”

~~ Introduction

Malex: So, Linus, how does that feel?

Linus: Much better! I feel like I could walk all around the Earth!

Malex: You probably could! I’ve managed to tune this orb to create a little bubble of virtual reality around you wherever you go. Even better, its range and power appear to be practically limitless. So while you’re actually sitting in that server in the closet over there, your projected body can wander anywhere you want in Ohioville and probably farther, too!

Linus: Who would have ever thought? This is what I’ve always wanted! To have a humanoid body!

Malex: But I thought you looked down on humanity’s weakness? Our flesh may be a great benefit, but it’s also our greatest curse.

Linus: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I just like being able to run rings around people.

Malex: You might want to try running at all first. Every time you do anything more ambitious than a leisurely stroll, you end up falling flat on your face.

Linus: Yeah?! Well, (Hesitates.) you’re right. But just you wait! I’ll be playing soccer before the year is out!

Malex: Uh, maybe football would be a better fit. I’ve never seen anybody take as many falls as you. Thank God it doesn’t faze you…

Linus: (Grunts.)

Snufflefungus: Hey everybody! Sorry I’m late, have we started the show yet?

Linus: Uh, Snufflefungus…?

Malex: Snuffy, what’s this?

Snufflefungus: (Flattered.) Oh, you mean my new arms and legs?

Malex: I think you mean cardboard tubes.

Linus: Paper towel cores hardly count as arms and legs, Snuffy…

Snufflefungus: Why not?! I’ve wanted arms and legs for just as long as you’ve wanted a body!

Linus: Hey! I’ve been wanting a body ever since my first experience with virtual reality! (Ever since The Unlikely Adventures of Malex and Icepunk Episode 01x34. ——On-Top-Of-It-Alex)

Snufflefungus: Oh yeah?! Well I’ve been wanting arms and legs since exactly one day before that!

Malex: Okay, well, even if that wasn’t highly improbable, it’s completely irrelevant! Snufflefungus, Linus didn’t get a body because he wanted it more, and he certainly didn’t get it because he deserved it. He got it because it just happened to be an option. And as his friends, we should support him!

Snufflefungus: You’re right, Malex! Linus, I support you 100%.

Linus: Why thank you, Snufflefungus! I appreciate that.

Snufflefungus: So do you support my arms and legs? They support me… At least, my legs do. At least, they do if I keep my balance.

Malex: I’m nigh unto speechless.

Linus: I so desperately want to say something witty and cutting!

Snufflefungus: But, Linus! You’re my best friend!

Linus: And you’re waving cardboard tubes around like they’re your arms!

Snufflefungus: Good point! You’ve convinced me to accept your generous offer of taking me to the Zoo for a fun-time! (‘Fun-time’ like a single word.)

Malex: What? Am I missing something?

Linus: I don’t know. But if you find it, share it with me.

Snufflefungus: So does this mean we can’t go to the zoo?

Malex: No, we can’t go to the zoo.

Linus: Actually, I kinda would like to go to the zoo…

Malex: Okay, well, maybe we can do that later.

Snufflefungus: Yay! I love seeing the little animals!

Linus: Yeah! Plus, I’m kinda anxious to go out and about in the real world!

Malex: (Silence.)

Linus: What? You’re looking at me strangely.

Malex: You’re getting excited about something.

Linus: So?

Malex: You’re getting excited about doing something fun. Something which has practically no potential for humiliating others or laughing at their pain.

Linus: Again, so?

Snufflefungus: You have to admit, that’s kind of a little creepy.

Linus: Okay, whatever… I just, you know, wanna see the animals. What’s wrong with that?

Snufflefungus: Nothing!

Malex: I just think we’re not used to you seeing the bright side of anything, actually.

Snufflefungus: It’s a good thing though! It makes me feel all Snuffy inside!

Malex: Okay, well I’m going to change the subject now.

Snufflefungus: Why?

Malex: I think my imagination is completely broken.

Snufflefungus: That’s not a good reason to change the subject.

Linus: Snuffy, I think that was the new subject.

Snufflefungus: Oh, right! Sorry. Please continue.

Malex: I will. As I was saying, I think my imagination is completely broken. Most people’s imagination falls somewhere between ‘vivid’ and ‘nonexistent.’ Mine takes a sharp left at vivid and ends up somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle described by the corners of stupid, disturbing, and mentally ill.

Linus: Please go on.

Malex: An example. Just the other day, I was having an important conversation over dinner, and I couldn’t shake the image of a large shark with reading glasses emerging menacingly from the water glass.

Snufflefungus: (Pretending to be a psychologist.) And how long have you had this problem?

Malex: Like I said, I’m afraid my imagination is defective, and probably has been since the factory.

Snufflefungus: Oh, that’s not true Malex! You’ve made great music, and that takes a great imagination!

Linus: (Chuckles.) Sure…

Malex: Yeah, about that… I actually don’t do music any more.

Snufflefungus: But why?!

Malex: Well, the last time I performed as a DJ in public, some perfectly healthy guy in the audience suddenly fell to the floor, clutching his abdomen and screaming about his kidneys.

Snufflefungus: Maybe it was a coincidence! It might not have had anything to do with the music!

Malex: Uh, he barely managed to retain a lawyer and fill out the paperwork to sue me before he died.

Linus: At least he dropped the lawsuit when he died.

Malex: Actually his family took it over.

Snufflefungus: And anyway, that’s just one man’s opinion! I’m sure a lot of people like your music!

Malex: By the time it was all said and done, the government had classified my music a WMD and confiscated all of my equipment.

Linus: That’s harsh… Your music couldn’t possibly qualify as a weapon of mass destruction.

Malex: Ah ah, weapon of mass discomfort.

Snufflefungus: (Seriously.) Oh, that makes sense.

Linus: Snufflefungus!

Snufflefungus: What?! I just– Oh! Sorry, Malex.

Malex: (Chuckles.) Well that’s okay… I learned a lot. I was really able to grow through the experience.

Snufflefungus: Well that’s very Snuffy.

Linus: What does that even mean?!

Malex: Hey look at the time! Thanks so much for joining us Ladies and Gentlemen. We hope you enjoyed this episode and will join us again next week for more Malex Minute Madness!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.