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Malex Minute 066

Quarter Six takes off with a bang! (Or maybe a pop?) Anyway, it’s hilarious! Give it a listen, and let us know what you think.

Episode Audio

Malex's Thoughts

So here we are, suddenly diving into Quarter Six. Sometimes I do wish we got a break at some point during the year…

It fascinates me how we keep running into odd coincidental numbering anomalies with this Malex Minute thing. For example, how Quarter Four began with Malex Minute 040, or how Quarter Six is beginning with Malex Minute 066. It’s really weird.

Anyhow, since we now have a character bio page, we need to put occasional effort into making sure it’s up to date. To that end, I have made a few changes. Feel free to paw through them and see if they actually make sense. Furthermore, feel free to correct me on anything that seems wrong. (Does anybody feel like creating and maintaining a Wiki for the Malex Minute? That would be sweet.)

So in my continuing quest for a non-water beverage that won’t kill me if I drink a lot of it, I’ve finally begun experimenting with coffee. (Sounds so inappropriate, doesn’t it?)

Given that too many calories will kill you, I’m avoiding sweetener and creamer. Given that too much caffeine will eventually kill you, I bought decaf. Given that I have no coffee maker, I bought instant.

The results, my friends, have been interesting. To say the least.

My first cup wasn’t too bad at first. It was quite bitter, as I expected, but it was bitter in a good way. That is, until I got to the end. Then the bitterness took on a new shape. A tangible, terrible shape.

The very shape of madness.

Or at least, it tasted pretty foul.

Knowing this would happen, for my second cup, I have cheated and dropped a couple of hard caramels into the cup and stirred them up.

Now, I’m not exactly sure what I expected to happen, but now the coffee tastes pretty foul all the way through. And there is an oil slick.

I’m pretty sure coffee isn’t supposed to have an oil slick.

It’s pretty gross…

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Who would have guessed that the color purple would turn out to be mankind’s greatest enemy?”

Transcript

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody! Welcome to the sixth quarter of the Malex Minute!

Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully.) We’re as old as the dust!

Linus: (Disappointed.) Oh man! I’m back in this horrible little laptop again!

Malex: Last episode, we finally managed to confront Mr. Eyebrows and his associates.

Snufflefungus: They’re very bad! They kidnapped all the little children in Ohioville and stole them away!

Malex: But we jumped into their alternate reality portal and saved the day!

Linus: Guys, I can’t even float around or anything. My old, customized laptop body is busted, and it’s still sitting in jail anyway.

Snufflefungus: So Malex, when we took that Crystal Orb, it destroyed Jeffrey’s alternate reality, right?

Malex: Well, I know we got ejected from it.

Snufflefungus: But did all the sweet, innocent children get sent home too?

Malex: I dunno, let’s check the news!

President Anchorman: (Over the radio.) Oh what a glorious day, Ladies and Gentlemen. The missing childrens have all appeared in Centrally-Located Park, weeping and clutching their nauseous stomachs. We’ve sent them back to their apathetic parents, and hopefully no one will ever care again. In other news, I did teach myself how to wiggle my ears last night, and now you shall all watch me dance my ears to music.

Linus: Ugh, turn it off. That guy makes me sick.

Malex: Well, looks like everything is back to normal!

Linus: I’m not back to normal! This laptop doesn’t have any anti-gravity gliders, I can’t open or close the lid, I can’t plug myself in to charge, and it’s got the wrong stinking operating system!

Snufflefungus: (Sadly.) Poor Linus… You wanted a robot body, but you tried to get it by being evil. So now, you’ll be stuck in that laptop forever.

Malex: Not if I have anything to do with it!

Snufflefungus: Wait a minute! Linus did bad things!

Malex: So?

Snufflefungus: Don’t people who do bad things need to be punished?

Malex: Well, we can’t let our sense of justice be compromised, but we also need to factor mercy into the equation.

Snufflefungus: What does that even mean?

Malex: Um, well, none of us really deserve anything good, actually.

Snufflefungus: I do. I’m perfect.

Malex: Just because we do bad things doesn’t mean we always get the punishment we deserve. That’s mercy.

Snufflefungus: Wait, so we’re not supposed to be taking revenge on Linus for making life difficult for three months?

Malex: Um, no. We’re not.

Linus: I’m so sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused Malex. Snufflefungus is right. I deserve to be marooned in some unconnected computer somewhere for all eternity.

Anonymous: Sure you do!

Malex: Hey, Anonymous.

Snufflefungus: See! Anonymous agrees with me!

Anonymous: No, I agree with Malex. People do bad things all the time. And the only reason life is bearable at all is mercy.

Malex: Uh, right.

Anonymous: By the way, you’ve all done a splendid job of taking care of the situation with Mr. Eyebrows. He’s being dealt with on our end, so he won’t bother you again for a good long time.

Linus: So, with all that talk about mercy, does that mean I can have anti-gravity gliders on my laptop body again?

Malex: I can do better than that. Look what I got!

Linus: The crystal orb? What am I going to do with that, go bowling?

Malex: Not at all! You know, every time you’ve entered an alternate reality or a virtual reality, you’ve transformed into a humanoid projection of yourself.

Linus: Yeah? So?

Malex: Well, this orb powers all the virtual realities we’ve recently seen.

Snufflefungus: Snufflefungus is confused.

Malex: So, in theory, if I can tap into however this thing works, we could project a humanoid version of you into our reality!

Linus: Whoa, do you really think so?!

Malex: Well, it might take some effort to stabilize it, and we’ll probably be tweaking it for years, but I think it could work.

Anonymous: You’re on to something, Malex, but just remember to be careful.

Snufflefungus: Careful?

Anonymous: Keep in mind where that orb came from. Good is more powerful than Evil by far, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a struggle.

Malex: (Drawn out.) Okay, well that was ominous.

Anonymous: I know.

Snufflefungus: And also not very specific.

Anonymous: Yeah, I’m not really supposed to reveal much of anything specific. Don’t want to spoil the ending, you know.

Malex: (Sarcastic verbal nod.)

Anonymous: So anyway, I’ve gotta get going.

Snufflefungus: Bye Anonymous!

Linus: So now what?

Malex: Let’s project you a humanoid body!

Linus: Woo yeah! So how are you going to do it?

Malex: Uh, let me start by having it cast a field around your laptop.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, but how?

Malex: Well, I’m no expert on crystal orbs, but this one seems to have a USB plug at the back.

Linus: Are you serious?

Malex: Mm, right there.

Linus: So let’s do it already, what are we waiting for?!

Malex: Nothing at all! Sorry Ladies and Gentlemen, but we’re out of time for this episode. We’ll be back next week, and if all went well, Linus will have a humanoid body!

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support. :)

Media Downloads

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Episode Audio3.22 MB Download Now - 3.22 MB Listen Now - Episode Audio
Episode Illustration138.25 KB Download Now - 138.25 KB View Now - Episode Illustration

Comments

Peter's picture

Sorry...

I'm sorry everyone! It was my fault the Malex Minute wasn't pubished until 8:34 am Friday... We actually had it finished quite early last evening, but I failed in a particular responsibility of mine, and it was never published... :(

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Can you truthfully and conclusively answer, "No," to this question?

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

Mercy

I like this episode, Malex. I'm glad Linus will get some sort of body. Is he the blond in the picture?

President Anchorman: (Over the radio.) Oh what a glorious day, Ladies and Gentlemen. The missing childrens have all appeared in Centrally-Located Park, weeping and clutching their nauseous stomachs. We've sent them back to their apathetic parents, and hopefully no one will ever care again. In other news, I did teach myself how to wiggle my ears last night, and now you shall all watch me dance my ears to music.

I really like President Anchorman. He seems so world-weary and jaded, yet compelled to attempt a tired sort of light heartedness. He just cracks me up.

BTW - As a trivial sidenote, 'nauseous' is perhaps the most misused word in the English language. It means, "causing nausea" not "feeling nausea." The proper word would be 'nauseated.' But NOBODY ever gets this right, so don't feel bad. X-D ( - Stickling Sangming)

------------------------------

I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Peter's picture

*lol*

I assumed Malex did that on purpose so that the people who noticed would either think 1) that President Anchorman has bad grammar, or 2) that he really did mean that the thought of the children's stomachs made him nauseated.

-------

Can you truthfully and conclusively answer, "No," to this question?

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

yay! Linus got a new body!

yay! Linus got a new body! and I knew the orb would have something to do with it!

Anyway, I read Malex's note about making a wikipedia article. I used to do hat, so I suppose I'll get to work on one for the Minute! It's finally summer vacation for me, so I'll have the time to do it! Hopefully if the other members of the wikipedia community finally deem some of my work valuable, I'll be able to do one for the MMN too!

.::Duex Ex Machina!::.

Almost All Annoying Artists Alternate Across Acting Atrociously , Authorizing Abominable Alliterations, And Administering Awful Antics.

- Christoph Jenkins

.::Duex Ex Machina!::.

Almost All Annoying Artists Alternate Across Acting Atrociously , Authorizing Abominable Alliterations, And Administering Awful Antics.

- Christoph Jenkins

Peter's picture

Ah, wow!

That's really nice of you, Christoph Jenkins! :D Thanks!

-------

Can you truthfully and conclusively answer, "No," to this question?

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

Alex's picture

Actually...

"BTW - As a trivial sidenote, 'nauseous' is perhaps the most misused word in the English language. It means, 'causing nausea' not 'feeling nausea.' The proper word would be 'nauseated.' But NOBODY ever gets this right, so don't feel bad. X-D ( - Stickling Sangming)"

Actually, I read an article about this before writing this script. Of course you're correct, but only to a point.

From the American Heritage dictionary: "Traditional critics have insisted that nauseous is properly used only to mean 'causing nausea' and that it is incorrect to use it to mean 'affected with nausea,' as in Roller coasters make me nauseous. In this example, nauseated is preferred by 72 percent of the Usage Panel. Curiously, though, 88 percent of the Panelists prefer using nauseating in the sentence The children looked a little green from too many candy apples and nauseating (not nauseous) rides. Since there is a lot of evidence to show that nauseous is widely used to mean 'feeling sick,' it appears that people use nauseous mainly in the sense in which it is considered incorrect. In its 'correct' sense it is being supplanted by nauseating."

Modern English word-usage convention makes it quite easy to use the word 'nauseous' where 'nauseated' would have traditionally been more appropriate. (Note, for example, that the 'ed' at the end of 'nauseated' lends itself to seeming more past-tense. 'Nauseous', on the other hand, has no such baggage, and can be quite comfortably used in a manner which seems more present-tense and "edgy".)

Even more fascinating, 'nauseating' has almost universally replaced the traditional form of 'nauseous', completely freeing up 'nauseous' for other uses.

ttyl

--Alex Markley

"Once again, my colorful nemesis, I find you foolishly assuming that reality is there even when you're not looking at it!"

Alex Markley

“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”

Well!

All I can say is, "If everyone else was jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you want to do it, too?" X-D

------------------------------

I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel

We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.

Snufflefungus: Don’t people

Snufflefungus: Don’t people who do bad things need to be punished?

Malex: Well, we can’t let our sense of justice be compromised, but we also need to factor mercy into the equation.

Snufflefungus: What does that even mean?

Malex: Um, well, none of us really deserve anything good, actually.

Snufflefungus: I do. I’m perfect.

Absolutely LOVE snuffy! :)

I am TYSOME

Peter's picture

*lol*

A teachable moment if I ever saw one... ;)

“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party

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