And with that, we finally embark on the Quarter Five Finale! Of course it’ll take two more weeks for us to wrap everything up, but where would we be without a few cliffhangers? Without a little suspense?

You, in the back! It was a rhetorical question, so put your hand down!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes! The Hamvention!

That’s right, that geek heaven known as the Dayton Hamvention is this very weekend, and I’m already geeking out about it. I posted a few pictures and videos from last year, well, last year. (Take a look, it’s pretty crazy.)

Still, the sad part about those sorts of pictures is they completely fail to do justice to the scale of the event.

If you can picture an entire sports arena, convention center, and associated parking lot filled to the brim with geeky tech stuff in the largest electronics exhibition and flea-market you’ve ever seen, you might be getting close to visualizing the Hamvention.

I’m guessing most all of you are wondering what in the world an electronics convention is doing with a name like ‘Hamvention.’ The fact is that the convention is primarily associated with Amateur (Ham) Radio.

And if you don’t already know, Amateur Radio is an international radio phenomenon which is just a little bit like CB, only totally stinking 1337. (In every sense of the word.)

So yeah, I’m gonna go camp out there and behave like a total geek for a whole weekend!

I should be back to normal by about the middle of next week.

Until then, 73s!

——Alex Markley

~~ Introduction

Cop 1: So, laptop, what do you got to say for yourself?

Cop 2: Yeah! Where’s the kids gone to!

Linus: I don’t know what you’re talking about!

Cop 1: We’re talking about those kids you sold those sheep to! They all gone missing!

Cop 2: Yeah! Missing!

Cop 1: So I want to know what you did with ’em.

Linus: I didn’t do anything, I swear! I mean, I sold the sheep, but that was it!

Cop 2: Why you little–! I oughtta–!

Cop 1: Settle down, partner, settle down. Listen here, lappety lap lap lap.

Linus: My name is Linus.

Cop 1: Sure it is, sure sure. Listen up minus, ’cause I’m gonna tell you up front what we’re gonna do. See, my partner and me, we operate on the bad cop, worse cop principle.

Linus: Huh?!

Cop 1: Sure! My twitchy partner over there, he gets to knock you around for a bit. Then I get to shoot you.

Cop 2: Yeah! Shooting!

Cop 1: So you’d better tell us what we want to know, or you’re gonna wish you’d never been, uh… You’re gonna wish you’d never been, um… Well, you know…

Cop 2: Born, right? He’s gonna wish he’d never been born?

Cop 1: You idiot! He’s a laptop, so he’s already never been born!

Cop 2: What? Are you serious?

Cop 1: Yeah. Don’t think about it too hard.

Cop 2: Okay.

Cop 1: And start hittin’ him already!

Cop 2: (Excited.) Okay!

Linus: No, no!

~~ Time passes…

Malex: Linus! We’ve just come for a visit! I rounded up Snufflefungus and I came as quickly as I could.

Snufflefungus: But they wouldn’t let us in for a long time! So while we waited I had a lollipop, and a hot dog, and an ice-cream cone, and– (Gasp.) Linus, what happened?!

Malex: What have they done to you?!

Linus: What does it look like? They tore off my hover gliders, ripped my screen right off its hinges… You name it, they broke it.

Malex: Linus, I’m so sorry…

Snufflefungus: What can we do, old buddy old pal?

Linus: Nothing. There’s nothing you can do. I wish I’d never gotten into this mess. I wish I could take it all back! I wanted a robot body for myself so I could interact with more of the world around me, and now look! I can’t even sit up to see you guys!

Malex: Linus… Are you repenting?

Linus: Yes I am! I had no idea any kids were gonna get hurt! I closed my eyes to the truth!

Snufflefungus: So then, you didn’t know that Mr. Eyebrows is the mastermind behind this whole scheme?

Linus: What?! That dirty rotten carpet ganglia! He’s been my arch-nemesis ever since he took on the form of a virus and infested me! (All the way back in Malex Minute 006, sez Alex.)

Malex: This is all news to me…

Linus: And he’s been playing me for the past three months! (Grunts in frustration.)

Snufflefungus: I know, it’s such a shame. Mr. Eyebrows has been planning to ensnare all those children the whole time!

Linus: But why?

Snufflefungus: He’s Satan, remember? He wants to keep them in his clutches for their entire natural lives, then he’ll consume their souls!

Malex: Snufflefungus, how do you know all this?

Snufflefungus: Um, I mean, well, what do you mean?

Malex: I mean, how could you possibly have all that information?

Snufflefungus: Oh the lies! The deceit! I can’t take it anymore! Malex, Linus, I have a secret to tell you…

Malex: Um… What’s that, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: I am Ultra-Snuffy! Ultra-Snuffy is… me!

Linus: I thought you were going to tell us something we didn’t already know…

Malex: Yeah, Snuffy. I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think I was ever fooled by your Ultra-Snuffy disguise.

Snufflefungus: Oh well. So what are we going to do now?

Malex: I don’t know! I guess we’ve got to free those kids and set things right, but how?

Linus: I wish I could help…

Malex: Hey, maybe you still can!

Linus: How?! I’m in jail! And even if I could get out, I’m completely useless! I can’t even float anymore.

Snufflefungus: But don’t you expand out into a humanoid form when you’re in virtual reality?

Malex: Yeah! If we carry you into virtual reality, you’ll be able to help us even if you are broken!

Linus: You’re forgetting the whole ‘jail’ thing.

Malex: No I’m not, I’ve got an idea. Let’s go talk to the police chief, Snufflefungus.

~~ Scene change.

Police Chief: What? You want me to what?

Malex: Release Linus the Laptop on bail, sir.

Police Chief: And why would I do that?

Snufflefungus: Because he’s my bestest friend!

Malex: Because he’s sorry, and he wants to help put things right.

Police Chief: Well I think that’s too bad. I really do, because the boss had us snag him, and until I hear otherwise, he’ll stay right here.

Malex: Wait a minute, what ‘boss’ are you talking about?

Police Chief: That Satan character, Mr. Eyebrows.

Snufflefungus: What?!

Malex: You’re admitting to having been bought out by Mr. Eyebrows?!

Police Chief: Sure, why not?

Snufflefungus: Because that makes you a bad man!

Malex: At least that explains why you let your men trash on Linus so badly!

Police Chief: What? Trash on him?

Snufflefungus: Yeah! He’s all in pieces!

Police Chief: Well that I didn’t know about…

Malex: Why would your men do something like that if you didn’t order it?

Police Chief: I don’t know… Maybe because it’s funny?

Snufflefungus: You’re a very bad man indeed! Come on Malex, I have an idea now too!

~~ Scene change.

Snufflefungus: But President Anchorman, you can pardon Linus so he can help us defeat Mr. Eyebrows!

President Anchorman: Now why would I do such a thing like that?

Malex: Because, sir, we think it’s the right thing to do?

Snufflefungus: Please?

President Anchorman: Ultra-Snuffy, you’ve been a great help to me and my administration. I would love to help you out here, but I just can’t.

Snufflefungus: But why?

President Anchorman: Well, Mr. Eyebrows ordered that Linus the Laptop be arrested, so that’s what happened. I’m not going to undermine that… Besides, Mr. Eyebrows gave me my presidency here, so why in the world would I want you to defeat him?

Snufflefungus: (In shock.) But… But… But…

Malex: Come on, Snufflefungus. I’ve got another idea, and this one is fool-proof!

Narrator: Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for joining us this episode. We hope to see you next week for part two of this exciting three-part quarter finale!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.