Malex and friends take a break from the plot, and dive headlong into… madness. Give it a listen and let us know what you think!
I recently got a new telephone line for the Malex Media Network,™ and (foolishly?) had it listed in the whitepages. As a result, I’ve been getting telemarketing calls practically non-stop for the past several weeks.
As a matter of fact, I just got a telephone call from some crazy company trying to sell me cheap burial insurance!
“As long as you’re between 50 and 80,” the recording said, “you’re guaranteed to be accepted! Furthermore, you’re guaranteed that the benefits will never go down, and the cost will never go up.”
At this point, I was staying on the line just so I could tell them to put my number on their “do not call” list.
“By taking care of this now, you’ll save your family the trouble. And you’ll give yourself some piece of mind!”
Seriously, I would have hung up, except I really didn’t want them to ever call me again.
“To take advantage of this astounding, once-in-a-lifetime offer, simply–” Click!
That’s right, the recording hung up on itself. Darn telemarketers…
Well that’s all I’ve got today guys. Hope you enjoy the episode, ’cause there won’t be another one for a whole week!
Malex: Hey everybody! Malex here, and I’m hosting the show today along with Linus the Laptop–
Malex: –and Snufflefungus the–
Snufflefungus: Present and accounted for!
Malex: That’s right, before we rush headlong into the quarter finale, I thought we’d take a break from the plot and talk about something completely random!
Snufflefungus: (Gasp.) Linus! Weren’t you arrested at the end of last episode?
Snufflefungus: Shouldn’t you be in jail?
Linus: Snuffy, that was in the plot. Like Malex just said, we’re taking a break from the plot this week.
Snufflefungus: What? Right before the finale?!
Malex: Yes, yes, that’s uh… what I said.
Snufflefungus: Well I never. I hope you don’t make a habit of this, Malex.
Linus: He already has. It’s starting to get on my nerves…
Malex: What, you’d rather be in jail?
Linus: What I meant to say is that you’re my favorite human being, Malex!
Malex: Anyway, Ladies and Gentlemen, I thought we’d talk about Spiderman 3 today!
Linus: (Audibly shudders.)
Malex: What? What’s wrong?
Linus: Oh nothing…
Snufflefungus: All I can think is how sad Ultra-Snuffy must feel having to settle for ‘Ultra-hero’ when he’s clearly superhero material – all because the word ‘superhero’ is trademarked.
Linus: Seriously though, what’s up with that Dunst girl?! The way her eyelids droop, you’d think that if she ever opened her eyes all the way, her eyeballs would rocket out of her skull!
Malex: Well I–
Linus: And don’t even get me started on that Maguire kid. I mean, he must surely use curling irons on the corners of his mouth! Ain’t nobody born that ugly!
Malex: Maybe you should–
Linus: The only character in the whole stupid movie that I actually liked was (Name beeped out to prevent plot spoiler.) and they killed him off at the end!
Malex: Do you want me to send you back to jail?
Linus: No sir.
Malex: I am the one writing the script; I could write you back into the jail cell at a moment’s notice!
Linus: Whatever you say, sir.
Snufflefungus: Look! I can balance thirty-five tea-trays on my head while thinking about something else entirely!
Malex: I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Snufflefungus.
Linus: Sure it is! Go for thirty-six! You can do it!
Snufflefungus: No problem!
Linus: Now, you said you could do it while thinking about something else, right?
Linus: Great! Think about Malex in his swim-trunks!
Snufflefungus: (Screams.) Oh no! (Drops tea-trays.)
Malex: Why do I always have to be the butt of these jokes?
Linus: Because you’re a very funny person, Malex. And I don’t mean that as a compliment.
Snufflefungus: Well that was a very traumatic experience. I don’t think I’m ever going to try that again.
Linus: So anyway, Malex, you brought up Spiderman 3… What were you going to say about it?
Malex: Um… I really liked it.
Linus: Oh really? (Clearly sarcastic.) How interesting!
Malex: Yeah, actually I liked it a lot. See, the characters were consistent and endearing, the plot was great despite the critics’ whining, and the action was exciting throughout! In my opinion, the movie was well-played all the way around.
Snufflefungus: Wow! Your pitch just made me want to see the movie again!
Malex: Why thank you!
Linus: Meh, what a sell-out.
Malex: Actually, I saw the movie on the IMAX screen here in town. It was quite an experience.
Linus: I notice you didn’t claim that it was a good experience.
Malex: Well, it would have been, except the buddy I was watching the movie with lost a hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket at some point during the evening.
Linus: Ooh, ouch.
Malex: Yeah… He said he liked the movie, but it wasn’t worth the hundred dollars.
Snufflefungus: Well tell him not to worry; I can replace his money!
Linus: What? You!?
Malex: Snufflefungus, how are you going to do that?
Snufflefungus: I got a job, and I feel generous!
Linus: Can I have some money?
Malex: Snufflefungus, what kind of job are we talking about here?
Snufflefungus: Well, the guy said for me not to tell anybody about it…
Malex: Uh, I think you’d better tell me.
Snufflefungus: Well I don’t see the harm. All I have to do is get people to buy these sawdust candy bars.
Malex: And that’s how you make your money?
Snufflefungus: Well that’s not where the big bucks are! Once I learn the ropes, I can sign more people up to sell candy as my associates! Then I make some money from all the candy they sell!
Malex: And you’re going to get rich doing that, eh?
Snufflefungus: Yup! I only have to sign up 53,264 people before I’ll be making $100 a week without even lifting a finger!
Linus: Watch as I deftly sidestep the obvious, “Snufflefungus, you don’t have any fingers!” joke…
Malex: Snuffy, that sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.
Snufflefungus: Yup! That’s what the guy called it!
Malex: But pyramid schemes are illegal!
Snufflefungus: That’s because the government doesn’t want us to have the mad bucks! Linus said so!
Malex: I’m horrified.
Linus: Now Snufflefungus, remember the list of things I told you never to tell Malex I said? That was on the list.
Snufflefungus: Oh yeah! Sorry!
Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s it for this episode. Thank you so much for joining us, and we hope to see you next week on the Malex Minute!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.