Malex and his friends are stretched to the limit in this epic lead-in to the Quarter Five Finale! The revelations are stunning, the dialog is hilarious, and the ending will simply shock you! Give it a listen right away, and let us know what you think!
Hey, look at me! I have some thoughts! Helloo! I actually wrote some thoughts this week everybody! WOYEAH!
Uh, Er, sorry. That was unnecessary.
I’m actually excited for a number of reasons, but the funny part is that I can’t actually write about the biggest one of them all. Why? Because it’s a secret. Don’t worry, you’ll probably find out about it eventually, I just can’t actually reveal it until I know for sure it wasn’t all a terrible mistake.
Man is this episode funny. It might be somehow a little ‘less funny’ than some previous episodes. (And after all, anything’s going to pale when directly compared with last episode.) But I really did have to cram a lot of plot into this week’s episode. If you’re the sort who prefers the complete and utter randomness to the plot, never fear! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
That’s right, we’ll be wrapping up our current plot line at the end of this Malex Minute quarter, which is rapidly approaching. After that, we’ll have some more completely random fun and games before even thinking about attempting a plot of this magnitude again. (Who told me I could write again? Somebody made a mistake, that’s for sure…)
Anyway, you’ll notice something interesting about this episode. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do believe this is the very first time we’ve had all three main characters in an episode without any of them directly interacting with any of the others. This is kinda the climax of a trend which has been building up now for the past several weeks, where characters are leaving the group to do other things.
It occurs to me that this trend may be scaring some people who might fear that I’m trying to separate the characters for some dastardly purpose. The simple fact is that I’ve been trying to depict that various external and internal forces have been tearing at the group and trying to pull it apart.
To reassure anyone who needs reassuring, our main characters will be coming back together in the next episode or two, and will not separate again any time in the near future.
On a different note, I feel kinda bad that I haven’t been able to spend as much time recently on the entertainment side of the Malex Media Network. I keep wanting to sit down and write some new music to release or something. Instead, I’ve been devoting much of my time to my latest scheme for making money: SermonMP3s.com. (After all, we all need money, right?)
I know, I know, I’m sure you’re thrilled by anything that has the word ‘sermon’ in the name, right? Well what if I were to tell you that SermonMP3s.com is a revolutionary new service? That nothing like it has ever been done before?
Still no good, eh? Oh well. I tried.
Suffice it to say that if these new efforts go as planned, the Malex Media Network will be pretty well-established for another few years at least. Which should allow us to keep doing the fun stuff for a while longer anyway.
Until next time, ttyl!
Malex: Welcome to the Malex Minute everybody! I’m Malex, and I’m the only one here today. Linus and Snufflefungus are off doing their own things, so they can’t distract me from doing the show! So, um, I’m going to talk about… Hmm, what can I talk about?
~~ Malex ponders. Cut scene to Mr. Eyebrows and Squeaky Satan.
Mr. Eyebrows: (Clearly intoxicated.) More spirits, Squeaky!
Squeaky Satan: Are you sure?
Mr. Eyebrows: Do it now! Right now!
Squeaky Satan: Okay, right away, sir.
Mr. Eyebrows: So, we’ve finally got all the children we need in the alternate reality pen. Once they age enough, we’ll be able to pull them down here and have them for brunch!
Squeaky Satan: Yes sir.
Mr. Eyebrows: (Chuckles.) And that stupid sheep dealer. He has no idea we’ve been using him the whole time!
Squeaky Satan: No sir.
Mr. Eyebrows: In fact, bring me the phone!
Squeaky Satan: Yes sir…
Mr. Eyebrows: (Dials.) Hello, police chief?
Police Chief: Yeah? What can I do for you?
Mr. Eyebrows: (Still clearly intoxicated.) I want you to arrest that sheep dealer who’s been working down at the school.
Police Chief: But I thought you were paying us to leave him alone?
Mr. Eyebrows: I said arrest him! I’m closing up his operation!
Police Chief: Whatever you say boss.
Mr. Eyebrows: Good! (Hangs up.) Squeaky! More spirits!
Squeaky Satan: Uh, I’m sorry sir, but there just aren’t any more!
Mr. Eyebrows: What?!
Squeaky Satan: You just consumed the last of them!
Mr. Eyebrows: Well I’ll just have to go up and get some more, won’t I!
Squeaky Satan: But, but sir! That’s so against the rules! We’ll get busted for sure! Sir? Sir!
~~ Cut back to Malex.
Malex: So then I told him, I’ll take my compiled language over your interpreted language any day! And when we actually tested the speed, my code ran an order of magnitude faster! I mean, you should have seen his face. It was awesome. (Chuckles.)
Malex: Man I’m boring. I wish there was something interesting going on around here.
~~ Cut to Downtown Ohioville.
Snufflefungus: Hark! Is that screaming I hear?! Ultra-Snuffy will investigate!
Squeaky Satan: Boss, we should probably leave now!
Old Woman: Go away, you ruffian!
Mr. Eyebrows: Aw, come on! You’re not using it anyway!
Snufflefungus: What seems to be the trouble, Ma’am?
Old Woman: This horrible demon-thing keeps trying to take my soul!
Mr. Eyebrows: But… I only want to borrow it! Yeah, I’ll give it back!
Snufflefungus: (Gasps.) Mr. Eyebrows! It’s you!
Mr. Eyebrows: Yeah, what of it?
Snufflefungus: You’re not welcome in Ohioville, Mr. Eyebrows. Ultra-Snuffy is going to have to ask you to leave.
Mr. Eyebrows: Who’s that?
Snufflefungus: Who is what?
Mr. Eyebrows: Now don’t try and confuse me son, I’m not half drunk enough for that. Who is Ultra-Snuffy?
Snufflefungus: I am! See the Ultra-Belt? It means Ultra!
Mr. Eyebrows: Um, so when did you stop being regular Snufflefungus?
Snufflefungus: Why does everybody assume that I am Snufflefungus?! What ever happened to the idea of a secret identity?!
Mr. Eyebrows: I don’t know.
Snufflefungus: Anyway, you’re going to have to leave.
Mr. Eyebrows: No I don’t.
Snufflefungus: Yes you do!
Mr. Eyebrows: No I don’t!
Snufflefungus: So what are you doing here anyway?
Mr. Eyebrows: I’m looking for more spirits to consume!
Snufflefungus: But why?!
Mr. Eyebrows: Because I’m celebrating the success of my plan! And what a success it has been!
Snufflefungus: Plan? What plan?
Mr. Eyebrows: The children going missing? I masterminded that! The portal of sheepy doom? Jeffrey put that together on my orders! The sheep trafficking? The schools being paid off? The police being “unable to do anything” about the children going missing? President Anchorman being elected?! It was all me! (Evil laugh, only slightly failed.) Oh, I’m so drunk.
Snufflefungus: That was all you?! You’ve left me no choice. Prepare to be Ultra-ed!
Mr. Eyebrows: This should be good…
~~ Cut to Malex.
Malex: And that’s how I finally learned how to wiggle my ears.
~~ Awkward silence.
Malex: You know, maybe I should head back to the school and see if I can catch that sheep dealer in the act. Yeah! That’d be pretty amazing. A little action, a little intrigue. I can handle it. Oh yeah. Watch me spy, doers of dastardly deeds. Watch me spy. Watch me watch you. That’s right, I’ll just head on over there and do a little reconnaissance. That’s what I’ll– Wait a second, I’ve lost my car keys. Crap!
~~ Cut back to Snufflefungus and Mr. Eyebrows.
Snufflefungus: Ha! Missed!
Mr. Eyebrows: Hold still, darn you!
Snufflefungus: Missed me again!
Mr. Eyebrows: It’s no fair, you guys are teaming up!
Squeaky Satan: Uh, there’s only one of him, boss.
Mr. Eyebrows: Shut up! Can’t you see I’m trying to deliver a sound beating?
Squeaky Satan: I just really don’t think we should be here! If the Man Upstairs decides to send somebody after us, we’re done for!
Snufflefungus: Ha, you missed me again– Wait! What’s this I smell?!
Mr. Eyebrows: What, those deliciously fresh-baked cookies from that bakery over there?
Snufflefungus: I’m overpowered by the scent of my only weakness… Cookies!
Mr. Eyebrows: What the–?
Snufflefungus: It’s like my kryptonite! All heroes must have a weakness! Mine… is cookies.
Mr. Eyebrows: Hey will you look at that! He’s distracted! Now’s my chance to deliver the deciding blow!
Snufflefungus: And there is nothing I can do about it, either!
~~ Huge clanging sound.
~~ Some silence…
Mr. Eyebrows: (Drawn-out.) Ow! Did you just hit me with a steel pipe?!
Squeaky Satan: Well yeah! We really, really need to get out of here!
Mr. Eyebrows: (Disbelief.) And you hit me with a pipe!
Squeaky Satan: I had to sober you up somehow!
Mr. Eyebrows: Oh yeah. Good call. Ultra-Snuffy, I’m going to save your royal pounding for later!
Snufflefungus: I’m too wrapped up in the cookies to care!
~~ Cut back to Malex at the school.
Malex: Hey look! Those kids are all gathered around a big sheep pen! I was right! So who is the culprit here? Who’s actually selling the goods?
Linus: Here we go! Step right up and get your very own sheep! Cash transactions only!
Malex: (Gasp.) Linus!
Linus: I applaud you for stealing your parent’s credit card young one, but it’s traceable so I can’t take it– Next! Who’s next? You know you only qualify to be a human if you have your very own sheep!
Kid: But, my parents never owned sheep.
Linus: (Fairly screams.) And what makes you think your parents are human? Don’t insult yourself! Do you wanna sheep or don’t you?! All the cool kids have a sheep! Cash only, kiddies, cash only!
Malex: I can’t believe it! Linus, selling sheep?! To impressionable youngsters?!
Police Chief: Alright everybody, break it up!
Linus: What?! The police? Get out of here! You’re spoiling everything!
Police Chief: Mouthy laptop thing, I’m placing you under arrest for selling sheep and whatever else we can think of. You have the right to shut up, and if you don’t, I happen to have the right to shut you up.
Police Chief: By any means necessary!
Malex: Oh no! What are we going to do now?!
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Gabriel Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.