I keep swearing to myself… One of these days, we’re going to get the Malex Minute episode queued up before Friday happens, and I won’t have to stay up till all hours to get it posted.

I keep swearing it, and it keeps not happening. As if by some magical force.

Anyway, I’ll not whine. Nobody’s paying to hear me whine. (Actually nobody’s paying for any of this, and I could dedicate volumes of whiny prose to that subject alone.)

Maybe some of this has to do with my habitually bad sleep patterns. My sleeplessness has ceased simply being one of my attributes. It has taken form as a wholly separate entity. And it mocks me from the corner of my room.

Every single day, I promise myself (and others, on occasion) that I will “get to bed” at “a reasonable hour,” so my sleeping schedule will in some way vaguely resemble that of the rest of my peers.

And around about 10 or 11 PM, it looks like it might work! My eyelids start getting droopy, and I think, “This is it! My troubles are over!”

Then the sleeplessness, which – if you’ll remember – is waiting in the corner, swoops down and magically rejuvenates me. It rejuvenates me with a dark rejuvenation. The kind of rejuvenation which leads to late hours, wraith-like semi-consciousness, and weird prose. Much like the prose you are now reading.

But now I appear to be whining again. I shall stop.

Hope you enjoy this week’s episode, since it cost me the last of my hard-earned sanity!

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody, welcome–

Snufflefungus: Malex? Malex?

Malex: What is it, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Can I host the show today? It’s been a long time since I did and I have a hankering to host the show so please can I do it again?

Linus: Don’t give in, Malex! Don’t give in to the Bambi eyes!

Malex: Arrgh! I can’t resist! Sure, Snuffy! Go ahead and host the show today!

Snufflefungus: Oh, thank you Malex! Thank you so much!

~~ Awkward silence.

Linus: So kick us off already!

Snufflefungus: Oh right! Sorry… Hey everybody, welcome to the Malex Minute! I’m the Snufflefungus, and I’m hosting the show!

Malex: So did you have something to talk about?

Snufflefungus: What? What do you mean?

Linus: Well I’m leaving.

Malex: What? Linus, you can’t go anywhere!

Linus: Sure I can! I’ve got work to do, so I can’t stick around here.

Snufflefungus: Malex, can I introduce the show again?

Malex: Sure, sure. Linus, I–

Snufflefungus: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Malex Minute! I am the Snufflefungus–

Malex: Snuffy, what are you doing? Linus, don’t go yet…

Snufflefungus: I’m introducing the show!

Malex: Twice in one episode?!

Snufflefungus: You said I could!

Linus: I’m really leaving now.

Malex: (Frustrated.) Okay, fine. I guess we’ll handle the show by ourselves.

Linus: Yeah, don’t worry about that. You’re already so bad, me leaving won’t make a bit of difference.

Snufflefungus: See you later Linus!

Malex: So now what?

Snufflefungus: Since I’m hosting the show, I would like to bring up a topic which has been of some concern to me in recent weeks.

Malex: What’s that, Snuffy?

Snufflefungus: I’ve been noticing that the quarter-machine bubble gum has been awfully stale lately. Has anybody else had this problem? Anybody?

Malex: What do you expect them to do? Raise their hand?

Snufflefungus: Yes. If you have also had this problem, please raise your hand and take a picture. Then email the picture of you raising your hand to us at Malex at MalexMinute dot com.

Malex: Wow.

~~ Phone rings.

Malex: Hello? Malex speaking.

Woman: Yes, hello? Are you Malex from the old “Good Guys for Hire” agency?

Malex: Wow, talk about ancient history. Sure, I used to be a private detective.

Woman: Can you help me please? I’m desperate! My son has vanished!

Malex: Whoa, that’s not cool. Have you called the police?

Woman: I have, but they can’t help me! They’re busy with all the other missing children!

Snufflefungus: Oh that’s right! Children are going missing all over Ohioville!

Malex: Ma’am, I’m not sure what all we’ll be able to do, but we’ll be right over.

~~ Cut to woman’s house.

Woman: Finally! My show is on soon– er, I’ve been worried sick.

Malex: Well, let’s get down to–

Snufflefungus: Just the facts ma’am!

Woman: Oh, what a cute little ball of fluff!

Snufflefungus: I like those kinds of facts.

Malex: Um, can we get back to your son? What precisely happened?

Woman: Well, he suddenly vanished, like, a few days ago. I think he might have been kidnapped or something.

Malex: Wait, he vanished a few days ago, and you’re only doing something about it now?

Woman: Well, normally when he vanishes for a day, he comes back with a broken bone or two, but nothing serious.

Snufflefungus: (Drawn out.) Okay…

Woman: Besides, there was a marathon on TV. I had to watch it.

Malex: I have nothing appropriate to say here. Can I see your son’s room?

Woman: Sure! It’s just over here.

Malex: Did your son always keep his room this messy?

Woman: I guess, but it’s been a while since I was paying attention.

Malex: What was your son’s name again?

Woman: Uh, Bob. Bobby. Junior. His father’s name wasn’t Bobby, but I always wanted a Junior.

Malex: How tasteless. Are you aware that there’s an animal pen in your son’s room?

Woman: Yeah, I did know about that one.

Snufflefungus: It has feces in it.

Malex: What was in that pen?

Woman: It was a sheep. He brought it home from school one day about three weeks ago.

Malex: And it’s gone now too… Did it vanish the same time he did?

Woman: As far as I know. Er, I mean, “Yes.”

Malex: Did you notice anything else being missing?

Woman: No, nothing at all.

Malex: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that your son brought a sheep home from school a mere three weeks before his disappearance, and that the only thing he took with him was that sheep?

Snufflefungus: And his clothes, right? Please tell me he took his clothes.

Woman: Just the ones he had on. Nothing else is missing.

Malex: Ma’am, I’m starting to fear the worst. I think your son was on sheep at the time of his disappearance.

Woman: Oh, well that’s too bad.

Snufflefungus: Don’t you even care that your son was addicted to sheep?

Malex: Can’t you even be bothered to pay attention to your child’s actions? His comings and goings?

Woman: Uh, no. Not really. I fully expect the school system, and by extension, the government to totally take care of my children for me.

Malex: So, I’ve got to ask: do you even really care that your son is missing?

Woman: Oh sure. Worried sick.

Malex: (Drawn out.) Right.

Woman: Well you’re going to have to leave now. My show is coming on.

~~ Television comes on.

Malex: Oh, okay then. I guess we’ll keep investigating… elsewhere.

President Anchorman: To that end, we shall keep the Taco King open for 25 hours every day! If they must, those employees will donate time from their future lives to do so! (Cheering.) And to those of you who are concerned by the sudden appearance of a large sheep farm in the middle of Centrally-Located Park, keep your shirts on! In fact, I think it should be perfectly normal for the fuzzy critters to show up wherever they darn well please! They lost so much land when we came over, I say they can have it all back! (More cheering.)

Woman: Oh, I love President Anchorman so much! He just does such a good job of remaining drunk all the time!

Malex: Uh, I won’t argue with that one.

Snufflefungus: How is that a good thing though?

Woman: Well, if you look at Ohioville’s long and bloody history, all the worst decisions our leaders ever made was when they were sober!

Malex: I won’t argue with that either.

Woman: And everybody knows that drunk people can’t make disastrous decisions!

Malex: Well ma’am, we’d better leave you to your television. We’ll call if we find anything out.

~~ Door slams.

Snufflefungus: Malex, I think that poor woman was very, very crazy.

Malex: Crazy? Perhaps. Abnormal? I fear not.

Snufflefungus: So what do you say we go investigate the sheep farm at Centrally-Located Park?

Malex: Sure, let’s do it! Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry but we’re out of time for this episode. Thank you so much for listening, and we all hope you join us again next week to find out what happens next on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley, Gabriel Markley, and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Sang Ming as the Woman.

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Alex Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to a Orehek for use of the TV On Off sound effect.

Thanks to Martian for use of the Footstep On Wood Foley sound effect.

Thanks to Party Mix for use of the Door Bell sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.