The plot thickens, Ladies and Gentlemen. Kids are vanishing all over Ohioville and things are getting tense between Malex and company! Can Malex keep things together, or will Linus’s secret plans come between him and his friends once and for all? No answers yet, but boy are there ever questions! Go ahead and give this episode a listen, and let us know what you think!
Holy bovine banana split on a barbecue with mashed potatoes on the side! As you all know, our big advertising campaign dropped last week. As a result, during its first week, Malex Minute 054 was accessed some 290 times!
Just so you know, that’s a really huge number. Really huge. As in, just the other week, we were collectively patting ourselves on the back (backs?) when that number was hitting 70-ish.
Of course, once our ad campaign dies out, we’ll stop seeing the huge number of visitors that we were seeing last week. But I’m hoping most of you will stay. And tell your friends! (The Malex Minute was meant to be heard, yo.)
Already, judging from the encouraging emails I’ve been getting, we now have listeners from at least as far away as England. Any other listeners care to reveal what country they’re tuning in from?
On a jarringly-unrelated note, this new XKCD strip totally makes me want to wear goggles and a red cape while blogging from a high-altitude balloon.
Or, better yet, a high-altitude airship! My ship would be called the Malex Media Blogship, and I would fly her to the far corners of the globe, collecting magic crystals and blogging every step of the way!
And when I had finally collected all of the magic crystals, the Blogship and I would break free of the atmosphere and explore the galaxy – spreading mysterious joy and enigmatic blog entries everywhere we went!
It would be magical.
President Anchorman: Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen. It is with sadness in mah heart that I – President Anchorman – report that I was drunk again last night. And I’m drunk again right now.
Woman: Sir, I’m not sure you should be–
President Anchorman: But the good news is, all those kids have been vanishing from Ohioville! Left and right, they’ve just been goin’ all over the place. Never to be seen again.
Woman: Shouldn’t you stick to your State of the Union speech?
President Anchorman: State of the onion mah eye! The people have a right to know! They’s kids is prolly dead! Or devoured by some unholy, ravenous bog monster!
Linus: Ugh, turn it off. That guy is such a moron.
Malex: No kidding. How did he get elected again?
Snufflefungus: Nobody knows!
Malex: Kinda creepy how all those kids have gone missing, isn’t it?
Snufflefungus: Why not?
Malex: No, I mean–
Snufflefungus: What are we talking about?
Malex: It’s generally bad when kids go missing.
Snufflefungus: Oh, I could have told you that, Malex. Why did you want to know?
Malex: (Sighs.) Why don’t we just answer an email now?
Linus: Don’t you change the subject!
Malex: Today’s email is from Michael Crandall, and he has a question for each of us.
Snufflefungus: Really?! I can’t wait to get mine.
Linus: You don’t get it.
Snufflefungus: What?! I can’t have my question and answer it too?
Linus: You really don’t get it.
Malex: Michael says, “Malex, when are we going to hear from Echofly again? I thought you liked her.” Well Michael, women are funny creatures. Just because you like them doesn’t mean they’ll like you too. She ran away to be a librarian in some far away state, remember? I have no idea when or if she’ll be back.
Linus: Can we move on please? Your sob story is going to bore us all to tears.
Malex: (Hurt.) Thanks, buddy.
Snufflefungus: Good one, Linus.
Linus: (Defensive.) What?
Malex: Michael also asks, “Snufflefungus, how do you like Earth now that you’ve been here for over a year?”
Snufflefungus: Oh, I think it’s harmless.
Malex: What? Harmless?!
Snufflefungus: Well, mostly harmless.
Linus: What about my question?! Come on, read it!
Malex: Fine, fine, here’s your question: “Do you play any MMORPGs, or does your evil criminal conglomerate have any in the works?”
Linus: What? Evil criminal conglomerate?! Who have you been talking to?!
Malex: Settle down, Linus. Settle down. Just answer the question. Do you play any MMORPGs?
Linus: Sure! I play World of Warcraft all the time. Especially when I’m pretending to listen to you whine about your relationships!
Malex: Ow! That was low…
Linus: You told me to answer the question…
Malex: So anyway, Snuffy!
Snufflefungus: Yes ma’am! I mean… I’m so sorry.
Malex: I’m shocked, Snufflefungus. Simply shocked.
Linus: Good one, Snuffy!
Snufflefungus: I really didn’t mean that! It just slipped out there!
Linus: Come on! Let’s bring this to blows!
Malex: No, it’s really not worth that…
Linus: Are you sure? I’ve got money riding on Snuffy.
Malex: What are you talking about?!
Linus: He could whip you all around town!
Malex: He doesn’t have any arms!
Snufflefungus: Are you suggesting that I can’t whip you all around town?
Malex: Nobody’s going to whip anybody around anything!
Snufflefungus: Oh, okay. So what were you going to ask me originally?
Malex: Um… Oh yeah. I was just wondering: have you been working on anything new and interesting down in your mad scientist lab lately?
Snufflefungus: Of course! It’s going to be so great!
Linus: Really? Inventing something amazing then?
Snufflefungus: That’s right, I’m going to change the whole world!
Malex: So what’s your invention?
Snufflefungus: Oh, I can’t tell you.
Linus: What?! You can’t not tell us!
Snufflefungus: Of course I can’t! Er, can. You confused me again!
Linus: Another job well done!
Malex: I’m really interested to know about your invention, Snuffy.
Snufflefungus: I can’t tell you either.
Malex: Oh, are you sure?
~~ Phone rings.
Linus: I’ll get that!
Alien: (Alien gibberish!)
Linus: Ah! (More alien gibberish.)
Alien: (More alien gibberish.)
Malex: Linus, who is that? What language are you speaking?
Alien: Oh, sorry. I can speak in English if that would help.
Linus: No, don’t. I mean, er.
Alien: So did you want that robot body in silver or white? Both are quite stylish. And did you say to bill it to a ‘Malex?’
Linus: No, you have a wrong number. Bye!
Malex: Linus, what was that all about?
Linus: Nothing whatever.
Malex: First the vanishing children, then Snuffy’s new invention, and now this! Why do I get the impression that something big is going down without me?
Snufflefungus: Because it is!
Linus: Yup. No doubt about that.
Snufflefungus: Anyway, Linus still wants a robot body. He told me so.
Snufflefungus: In confidence.
Malex: Linus, I know you want a robot body. But isn’t it like 20 million dollars or something? We simply can’t afford it!
Linus: It’s okay, I was just shopping around anyway. I have my own plan for buying one.
Malex: That doesn’t involve giving some alien shopping network my credit card number?
Linus: That does not involve giving out your credit card number.
Snufflefungus: Can I give out your credit card number?
Snufflefungus: What if I already did?
Malex: Hey look at that, Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re out of time for this episode! Thanks for listening, and we all hope you’ll join us next week for much more maliciously magical Malex Minute madness!
Linus: I didn’t know he had it in him, folks.
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley, Gabriel Markley, and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by Aisling as the Woman.
Post-processing director: Aisling
Illustration: Peter Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Aisling
Thanks to everyone for their help and support.