The ‘Malex’s Thoughts’ section for this episode will be rather brief. This is in contrast to some previous weeks, where the commentary was long enough to kill a reader by starvation. It was terrible.

This week’s brevity has little to do with my compassion and wanting to avoid unnecessary deaths. After all, if you starve to death reading this, it’s your own darn fault for not bringing any snacks…

No, this week, I am exhausted. And, it being 3 AM Alex Standard Time, I believe I deserve some sleep. So I will be brief. (Thus ends the longest intro. Brevity be darned!)

So anyway, it’s finally happened! We started Malex Minute year two! And to celebrate, we’ve launched a brand-new portal to the Malex Minute: MalexMinute.com is now open for business!

Theoretical business, that is. It’s not exactly business if we’re giving everything away for free… And we are! (Of course, we’re still planning on making money. That’s what the ads are for. But that is incredibly tangential to the point…)

You can use MalexMinute.com to quickly and easily browse our complete archive, listen to the latest episode, read about the characters, and more!

Those of us who were having trouble browsing the Malex Minute archives at MalexMedia.Net should find the new system at MalexMinute.com to be much, much more usable. (Of course, if it’s not, let me know about it.)

My goal for MalexMinute.com is to make the Malex Minute available for everybody, so go tell your friends! Tell your relatives! Tell your neighbors! Yes, even tell that creepy neighbor who stares at you from across the street! (Actually, on second thought, don’t do that.)

So there you have it. The big surprise I’ve been talking about for the past few weeks. Hope you like it.

I’ll post more about all this in my blog tomorrow… Assuming something more interesting doesn’t come up…

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

~~ Introduction

Malex: Howdy everybody, Malex here!

Linus: Did you just say ‘howdy?’

Malex: Why yes, Linus. I did!

Snufflefungus: I’m shocked!

Linus: You understand this means I can’t be your friend anymore, right?

Snufflefungus: But Linus, you say that all the time!

Linus: Hush, Snufflefungus, you’re minimizing the gravity of the situation. Malex just said ‘howdy.’

Malex: Okay! Gosh, I didn’t know it was a sin.

Linus: Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

Malex: I’m going to get back to the episode, is that okay with you?

Linus: Go ahead! See if I care.

Malex: Anyway, Ladies and Gentlemen, today is a very, very special day! It marks the beginning of Malex Minute Quarter Five – the second year of the Malex Minute!

Linus: What an incredible waste!

Malex: No it’s not!

Linus: Yes it is! We should toss all our archives into the sea!

Snufflefungus: You wouldn’t!

Linus: And him too!

Snufflefungus: (Gasp.) But I’m afraid of the fishies!

Malex: It’s okay Snufflefungus, Linus wouldn’t do that. Besides, he’s a laptop: he doesn’t have any arms!

Linus: Just you wait, human meat-bag! I’ll have that robot body soon enough! Then who’ll be laughing?

Malex: Me, because you’ll look hilarious learning how to walk in it.

Linus: Shut up, you.

Malex: Anyway, Linus, I can prove the Malex Minute isn’t a waste! We just launched MalexMinute.com to celebrate the beginning of our second year!

Linus: And how is that proof of your success?

Snufflefungus: Because we’ll be advertising it! We’ll build up a huge listener base! We’ll sell space for ads and become rich! Rich beyond our wildest dreams!

Malex: Wow, Snufflefungus. Linus, did he have too much sugar again?

Linus: You wish. Anyway, this whole thing smells like failure to me.

Malex: Well we’ll see, won’t we?

Linus: Sure will.

Snufflefungus: Wait! This is the beginning of year two? Does that mean it was last year to the day that I broke into the studio?

Linus: No.

Malex: Yes.

Linus: Yes.

Malex: No.

Linus: Almost.

Malex: But not quite.

Snufflefungus: Now I’m vaguely confused.

Malex: Who isn’t these days!

Linus: Amen brother.

Snufflefungus: Why Linus! I didn’t know you prayed!

Linus: Just don’t spread it around…

Snufflefungus: Malex, I have a question to ask you.

Malex: What’s that, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Can I have a raise?

Linus: That’s right Snufflefungus! Stand up for your rights!

Malex: What?! Snuffy, I’m not paying you anything.

Linus: All the worse! Stick it to the man! Men! And the occasional woman too!

Malex: Linus, you’re ranting.

Linus: And I’m not sorry!

Malex: Snuffy, you broke into my studio last year. You weren’t hired, you’re a pest.

Snufflefungus: What?! You, you don’t want me around?

Linus: Why else call you a fungus?

Malex: No! That’s not it at all. Snuffy, you’ve proven yourself to be a great friend and you’re quite useful on the show, but I’m not ready to pay you.

Snufflefungus: Oh, okay then.

Linus: Don’t give up that easy! We need to unionize! Stick it to the–

Malex: Yes, yes, I heard you the first time. Problem is, there are only two of you, you’re both expendable, and, oh yeah! There’s no money anyway!

Linus: None?

Snufflefungus: Whatsoever?

Malex: None whatsoever.

Linus: Well drat. I’m out of ideas.

Snufflefungus: Well now I’m all sad! And disappointed!

Malex: Well how about this, Snuffy? I’ll give you a ten percent raise!

Snufflefungus: Really?

Malex: Yeah, it’ll still equal zero dollars an… ever, but sure. Ten percent raise. There you go.

Snufflefungus: Yay! I’m incredibly happy again!

Linus: What a union negotiator you turned out to be.

Snufflefungus: What can I say? I’m happy and content!

Linus: It’s uncanny folks, it truly is.

Malex: You know, in preparation for the launch of MalexMinute.com, I went over all our promotional material. You know, how we describe ourselves and so on.

Snufflefungus: Yeah?

Malex: Yeah. Well, part of it says, “We often poke fun at politics and the entertainment industry while simultaneously satirizing whatever happened to us at the grocery store last week. It’s so exciting!”

Linus: That sounds funnier than what we do.

Malex: I know, it’s kinda bad. I think we’ve gone something like six months without reporting on anything political or entertaining. We’ve just been… winging it.

Snufflefungus: I like winging it!

Malex: There’s hope though! Campaigns for the 2008 presidential election are already being announced, so it’s only a matter of time before things really start heating up!

Linus: Ah, humans squabbling. Is anything more entertaining?

Malex: And even better, there’s a very real possibility that Hillary Clinton will be running!

Linus: And how precisely is that a good thing?

Malex: It’s funny, for one. I mean, I’m a big fan of women and all, but ol’ Hitlary has been demonstrating her wild incompetence ever since her announcement.

Snufflefungus: What?! Are you saying that women are incompetent?! I’m shocked!

Malex: No! No, not at all. It’s just that democrats and republicans alike should be terrified by Hitlary all changing sides every ten minutes. I believe she’s represented a completely different viewpoint every time she’s spoken.

Linus: Politics. Gotta love ’em!

Snufflefungus: But I thought the whole point was to get a president who could be a puppet for the shadow government which is forming to take over the world!

Linus: Ah, you learn well young Snufflefungus.

Malex: I don’t really know what Linus has been teaching you, Snuffy, but even if that were true, I think Hitlary has plans of her own.

Snufflefungus: Darn Nazis.

Malex: A little bit of a leap, but I think you get the point. Anyway, it looks like we ran a little bit overtime, Ladies and Gentlemen. Thanks for listening, and we hope you’ll join us again next week on the Malex Minute!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Gabriel Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.