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Malex Minute 049
The Malex Minute
Submitted by Peter on Fri, 02/09/2007 - 12:00am
Ah, Valentine’s Day: sweet, sweet day of rejection and doom.
Transcript
~~ Introduction
Malex: Hey everybody! Malex here, and things are finally returning to normal!
Linus: That’s right, as horrible as ‘normal’ is, we’re returning to it. Like a moth to flame! Like flies to rotting meat!
Malex: (Clears throat loudly.)
Snufflefungus: Malex, what do you mean by ‘normal?’
Malex: Well, I was getting some complains from listeners who were worried about things like Icepunk’s Nuclear Sheep of Doom and Linus the Laptop going to prison last episode.
Snufflefungus: (Laughs.) Oh! Don’t they know we’re fictional characters?
Linus: Speak for yourself, fuzzball. Jail was the worst experience of my life.
Malex: Anyway, I just wanted to reassure the audience that the consequences of our shenanigans are usually minimal.
Snufflefungus: Say that five times fast!
Malex: Uh, why?
Snufflefungus: I don’t know! I’ve just heard people say that before…
Linus: As always, Snufflefungus, you are a champion among simpletons.
Snufflefungus: Why thank you!
Malex: Alright, let’s see if we have any emails we can answer on the air.
Linus: You idiot. We never do…
Malex: Guess again, smarmy-pants, here’s a whole inbox full of ’em!
Linus: What?! No way!
Snufflefungus: But Malex, Linus wasn’t being smarmy. He’s not even wearing pants!
Malex: Okay, that sounded bad. Hey look! This first one is to you, Snufflefungus!
Snufflefungus: Really?
Malex: Yup! It’s from “hot chick 199,” and it says, “Snufflefungus, you are so cute. Will you be my valentine?”
Linus: Oh brother.
Snufflefungus: That’s so nice! I wonder what it means?
Linus: Just delete it. Let’s move on to the next one.
Malex: It’s another one from a girl to Snuffy… And I’m actually not sure how to interpret this one. I think she also wants Snufflefungus to be her valentine, but it’s in that language people use when they’re ‘texting’ each other.
Linus: I dunno, snuffwad, that first one was literate. You’d better go with her.
Snufflefungus: I’m still not sure I know what a ‘valentine’ is…
Linus: Well what do you think, Malex? You look like you have something to say!
Malex: I, uh, I’m just surprised that another Valentine’s Day has arrived already. It’s pretty jarring…
Snufflefungus: So I’m supposed to choose between a literate girl and an illiterate girl?
Linus: You could just flip a coin.
Malex: No, I don’t think that’ll work. It looks like all five-hundred and thirty-three of these messages are from girls who want Snuffy to be their valentine.
Linus: Holy whoa!
Snufflefungus: You can’t tell through all this fur, but I’m blushing from all the attention right now. Can we read them all on the air?
Malex: No, we can’t. Oh, hey look! This one is for you, Linus!
Linus: Really?! Who’s it from?
Malex: The email server.
Linus: I know that. I mean who sent it?
Malex: That’s what I’m saying! It looks like the email server sent you a love letter!
Linus: What?! You’ve got to be kidding. Are there any others in there?
Malex: No, all the other messages are definitely for the Snufflefungus.
Snufflefungus: Linus, what’s wrong with the email server? I mean, you are a laptop after all.
Malex: He was hoping for a hot celebrity with money and fame.
Linus: Not necessarily! I would settle for a hot chick even if she didn’t have money!
Malex: Of course. How magnanimous of you.
Snufflefungus: But I’m sure that the email server is a beautiful person on the inside, even if she’s just an ugly aluminum box on the outside!
Linus: (Shudders audibly.) The whole idea just gives me the heebie-jeebies! I mean, that email server is totally based on human technology!
Malex: What’s wrong with human technology?!
Linus: Man, everything. Don’t make me go there.
Snufflefungus: Malex, why didn’t you get a valentine?
Malex: Uh, I dunno.
Linus: It’s because he’s bug-ugly.
Snufflefungus: (Surprised.) He is?!
Linus: Sure he is! Just look at him with his two arms and two legs! How weird is that?
Malex: Linus, you’re not helping.
Linus: And his face! Don’t even get me started on that face.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, I never noticed before, but you’re right!
Malex: Snufflefungus!
Linus: Yup, no girl in her right mind would go for somebody like Malex!
Snufflefungus: I’m so sorry Malex. Looking forward to a life of bitterness and solitude must really keep you awake at night!
Malex: Can we change the subject?
Linus: Now if you want, Malex, since you’re a buddy of mine…
Malex: Yeah?
Linus: I can sell you my valentine!
Malex: What?
Linus: Seriously! I’ve got her IP address right here. Just pretend you’re me when you’re chatting with her!
Malex: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m gonna cut short the Malex Minute today. Hope you enjoyed the episode and will join us again next week!
~~ End
Credits
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley
Release manager: Peter Markley
Recording assistance: Leela
Thanks to everyone for their help and support. 
Media Downloads
| Name | Size | Action |
|---|---|---|
| Episode Audio | 3.12 MB |   |
| Classic Malex Minute Illustration | 309.15 KB |  |
| | | | |
Comments
Better than I imagined!
Guys this is going to end up being in my top 5 of the year. Seriously that was just down right hilarious.
Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
lol
Thanks a lot man. I'm so glad you liked it!
--Alex Markley
"I can't eat this yet, I don't have the right drill-bit!"
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Well.
Well It wasn't my favorite, but I liked it.
"Taisy, I know your awake! Don't lie!" -Knucksy Fligheng
God answers my prayers. He lifts me up. He gives me my breaths and refills my cup.
Awwwww!
Snuffy, will you be my valentine??
------------------------------
Heaven:
Where Summer's sun never makes you sweat, and Winter never gets cold.
Where Autumn's leaves aren't really dead, and Spring never grows old.
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Oh wow!
This one is really hillarious, guys.
Though for a second there I was afraid there wasn't going to be a special ending thing like normal. Imagine my relief.
------------------------------
Heaven:
Where Summer's sun never makes you sweat, and Winter never gets cold.
Where Autumn's leaves aren't really dead, and Spring never grows old.
Everything looks perfect from far away.
favourite
Though for a second there I was afraid there wasn't going to be a special ending thing like normal. Imagine my relief.
I know. For anyone who missed it, it went like this:
Linus: Seriously! you should think about my offer. Only a hundred bucks and I'll give you her IP adress
Malex: Look, do you think you're helping here? Man, you are dense.
Linus: Okay, fine. I'll let you have it for fifty.
Malex: Dude, I'm not talking to you anymore.
Linus: What? She'll never know how ugly you are! It could work! I mean it, fifty! etc.
Malex: (over linus talking) I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening...
That was my favorite part
------------------------------
People always think that others that talk to themselves are crazy, but it's not true. Your crazy if you talk back.
------------------------------
I need a siggy...
Oh wait.
Hehe
--Alex Markley
"I can't eat this yet, I don't have the right drill-bit!"
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Valentine
Poor Malex! How very Charlie Brownish. Don't worry, though. Valentine's Day is terribly overrated. The whole holiday is shallow and caters to the very worst in human nature. Forget about it!
BTW - No, no Snuffy. Be my Valentine.
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Valentine
Is Valentine's Day the only day expressions of love can be made? The gnome doesn't think so and also believes any girl who would not want the malex for a valentine is out of her mind...and the gnome knows whereof it speaks!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Hehe
The Malex appreciates the gnome's vote of confidence, but The Malex feels compelled to reassure the gnome that The Malex Minute (and generally everything it contains) is a joke.
Besides, Malex is a completely fictional character! Perhaps Alex Markley (scriptwriter) was a tad hard on Malex (character) in this particular episode, but we tend to learn from these things and move on.
ttyl
--Alex Markley
"I can't eat this yet, I don't have the right drill-bit!"
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Say it isn't so
The malex is fictional? Completely fictional?
That cannot be true, there is a picture, there are voices and...does that mean the gnome is fictional? Oh cruel world, to tell the gnome now that it does not exist....weeping, gnashing of non-existent teeth
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Repeat after me...
There's no one like gnome...There's no one like gnome...
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Thanks, The gnome needed that
The gnome has feelings...prick the gnome does it not bleed? Tickle the gnome, does it not laugh? (and outsell Tickle Me Elmo) Tell the gnome it is fictional will the gnome not prove you have a loose cog? Don't reach for the Sonic screwdriver...put that back malex, watch where you point that thing....DUCK QUARTZ!!!
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Emergency
-------
To decipher this top secret message, stream the two ASCII binary equivalents of "@I!$a *A (Fb#! 8@" and " DA'%@h' d/mI! *P" through a boolean OR operation, and convert back to text.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
When I was little...
I was exploring the glove compartment of the car when I discovered that my Dad owns a sonic screwdriver!
I was belwildered and ecstatic ... until I discovered that it was only a tire pressure gauge.
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
So you mean...
The Oz isn't the Doctor!!!
Say it aint so 
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
Not what I meant.
I just meant that I still haven't found the sonic screwdriver. Not that he doesn't own one.
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Ooooooooooooh
In other news, I watched my first full Doctor Who episode!!!!!!!!!! *happy dance* Lilly was very proud of me especially considering my first reaction to The Doctor
)
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
Congratulations!
Which episode?
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
an Eggleston episode
The one right before he regenerated
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
Ah, Eccleston.
Would that be Bad Wolf?
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
no, the one before that
and half of the one before that
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
?
"Boom Town" and "The Doctor Dances"?
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Lol
Yes good job mariel.
Ais, you should keep looking
------------------------------
"Harry, call me old girl again and I'll spit in your eye."-Ark in space.
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
My own Timelord
The Oz isn't the Doctor!!!
Oh yes he is.
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
"The Doctor Dances"?
nooooooooooooooooooo
I checked, they were "Boom Town" and "Bad Wolf" (actually I only watched like 1/2 of each, but they were good anyways)
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
*In awe*
Really!
------------------------------
"Harry, call me old girl again and I'll spit in your eye."- Ark in space
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
You Watched "Boom Town"???
I am so sorry.
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
I liked that one
The beginning was funny! before they met jack... jack is just
------------------------------
"Harry, call me old girl again and I'll spit in your eye."- Ark in space
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
yes,
yes he is
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
Huh?
Ais, you should keep looking
For what? What's missing?
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Yeppers
The Oz isn't the Doctor!!!
Oh yes he is.
Really!
That's right. ** scuffs toe in vain attempt at showing humility** I have my very own Dr. Who.
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Actually...
This newest version of Dr. Who got old for me during the first season. Early. How many times can they tell the same story with newer, more disturbing perversions thrown in? If you haven't seen any of the next season, I'd suggest you give it a miss.
Not that I don't love the doctor. I did, after all, marry him. It's the new show I dislike.
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
*still in awe*
Coooooool
Can i have one?
lol, do they sell them on ebay?
------------------------------
"Harry, call me old girl again and I'll spit in your eye."- Ark in space
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
'Fraid not.
"do they sell them on ebay?"
My daddy is quite unique.
------------------------------
"From the great Gales of Ireland,
Are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry,
And all their songs are sad." - G. K. Chesterton
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Umm, yea...
Well, I was getting some complaints from listeners who were worried about things like Icepunk's Nuclear Sheep of Doom and Linus the Laptop going to prison last episode.
That was partly me
------------------------------
People always think that others that talk to themselves are crazy, but it's not true. Your crazy if you talk back.
------------------------------
I need a siggy...
Oh wait.
Congratulations!
Congratulations! You've been referenced in a Malex Minute episode!
And your prize today is... Nothing! That's right, nothing. We're fresh out of prizes.
I hope you're okay with that.
ttyl
--Alex Markley
"I can't eat this yet, I don't have the right drill-bit!"
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Wait!
Are you so uncultured? Our No-Prizes in stock are myriad! We'll award him a No-Prize!
-------
To decipher this top secret message, stream the two ASCII binary equivalents of "@I!$a *A (Fb#! 8@" and " DA'%@h' d/mI! *P" through a boolean OR operation, and convert back to text.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
this is a No-Post
-----------------------
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage, Mythbusters
SCI-EENNNNCE!!!! @_@ - Dr. Insano
*lol*
-------
I rejoice that I may repay even a few of my infinity in pardoned sins.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
Please explain
Quartz, would you explain your sig to me please?
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Well...
Because of sin entering the world, we all experience suffering, small or great, every day of our lives. And all have sinned, and fall short of the glory of God, meaning that no suffering of ours could ever repay it, no matter how great. Similarly, no real number can ever reach infinity. The suffering from sin's curse that we experience almost constantly is like adding one or two here, three there... But no matter how long we live, and no matter how much is added, we'll never reach infinity.
Jesus paid the infinity for us, so we wouldn't half to experience the consequences, but the miniscule, everyday drudgery is the remnant of our finite-ized punishment, thus allowing us to give back to Jesus a few of the infinity He gave us. This is a cause to rejoice in the remnant of our finite-ized punishment.
It's just a way of using math to represent part of the truth. As I have often described it, the truth is superlative. Many aspects of it are comparable to coefficients of infinity, as it were.
Since that's really all the sig is, I'm starting to want to change it again/back...
-------
I rejoice that I may repay even a few of my infinity in pardoned sins.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
Doesn't work
the miniscule, everyday drudgery is the remnant of our finite-ized punishment
I don't think that's true. Drudgery is more like a consequence of sin than a punishment for it. If not our own sin, then someone else's.
thus allowing us to give back to Jesus a few of the infinity He gave us.
Even if drudgery was a punishment, I don't know that this would follow. Since Jesus was totally sinless, He was not deserving of any punishment at all. Any punishment was, for Jesus, a monstrous injustice, and one that we could never pay back in any way.
While I believe that we are powerless to pay Jesus back in any way, I also believe that we are able to please Him when we try. Loving Him with our whole hearts is the best we can possibly do. And how can anyone not love the One who died for them?
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
...
"Drudgery is more like a consequence of sin than a punishment for it. If not our own sin, then someone else's." -SangMing
I suppose you're right that "consequence" may be a better word for it, but I was referring mainly to the Curse God laid on the universe at the Fall. It seems that this turns into a word game.
"Even if drudgery was a punishment, I don't know that this would follow. Since Jesus was totally sinless, He was not deserving of any punishment at all. Any punishment was, for Jesus, a monstrous injustice, and one that we could never pay back in any way." -SangMing
Hmm... Well, the attitude is still applicable somehow, isn't it? What you're basically saying is that three isn't technically any closer to infinity than two is, which is, of course, absolutely right, am I correct? This is almost turning into a word game as well...
-------
To decipher this top secret message, stream the two ASCII binary equivalents of "@I!$a *A (Fb#! 8@" and " DA'%@h' d/mI! *P" through a boolean OR operation, and convert back to text.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
Aww =(
Then i guess i just have to keep staring at SM in awe
*continues to stare in awe*
------------------------------
"Harry, call me old girl again and I'll spit in your eye."- Ark in space
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
Yes
three isn't technically any closer to infinity than two is,...am I correct?
This is almost turning into a word game as well...
I agree on both counts. Let's stop before my head starts to spin, okay?
------------------------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Interjection
There's a slight problem with this discussion. I'm not sure it's worth interjecting, but I am anyway.
The thing is this: The debt we owe God is nothing like a monetary debt. For example, if Bob owes Joe $10,000 and Bob only has $200, Steve could come along and pay the remaining $9,800.
It's nice to imagine that we (as Bob) might somehow shoulder some of the burden for poor Steve, but the bottom line is that we cannot. And the problem has nothing to do with whether the debt is $10,000 , $1,000,000 , or +Infinity USD.
The problem is that we're not even eligible to trade in the currency of the debt.
It's hard to fathom this, but take the previous example and imagine that Bob is a five year old orphan child. Not only is he penniless, but child labor laws forbid him from earning any money to place against his own debt!
In this scenario - contrived though it may be - Bob's only hope is that Steve comes along with the $10,000, pays it, and never looks back.
We are in a similar situation with God because our sinfulness, by definition, makes us ineligible to pay for our sinfulness. God's sense of justice was not, as Quartz suggested, satisfied by Jesus' suffering alone, but by the sinlessness of the sacrifice.
Again, the difference is somewhat subtle, but it's important to keep in perspective how utterly hopeless, useless, and incapable we are by default.
ttyl
--Alex Markley
"I can't eat this yet, I don't have the right drill-bit!"
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Hmm...
Yeah, never mind the signature...
-------
To decipher this top secret message, stream the two ASCII binary equivalents of "@I!$a *A (Fb#! 8@" and " DA'%@h' d/mI! *P" through a boolean OR operation, and convert back to text.
“Timby, I know you’re awake! Don’t lie!” –Nixy, Contradictionary - Party
Snuffy
I wants Snuffy to be my Valintine. Hahahah
Jack Hopkins
#Jesus loves You#
:-P
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
<3
I always wanted the guy who voiced Linus to be my Valentine ^_______^
I've considered saying something about being the email server
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
Haha
That's not a bad idea.
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Ok?
This is creepy.
chris
I <3 Linus
I've always been a big Linus fan
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
Hmm...
I don't know...mermaids need water, and water is bad for laptops. I'm not sure it would work out.
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
The terrible truth O_O
But I could be the email server! Email servers don't like water either! They're perfect for each other!
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
Hehe
You better be careful, keep arguing so eloquently for this match up and I might write it into Malex Minute Quarter Seventeen. Like voice acting much?
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
:-D
I've never done it before, but I've always thought it would be epic to be in a Malex Minute! I just didn't dare admit my thoughts about the email server until recently
I'd rather waltz than just walk through the forest- Owl City
Hmmmm.....
Hmmm!
Alex Markley
“Arrogance is bliss! Or is that ignorance? Either way, I win!”
Opinion
I LIKE this idea!!!
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.
Hehe
Lol!
Und alvays rememba cheeldren: Delta ecks eqvals fee nought times time ploos von half accelerashun times time sqvared.
Soaps
I love a good romance!
We should take our comfort from God's word, not from the circumstances of our lives.