~~ Introduction

Malex: (Whispering.) Hey all, Malex here… Linus, Snuffy, and I are hiding in a closet.

Snufflefungus: It’s not very comfortable in this closet.

Malex: It’s been a whole week since Little Red Riding Squirrel forcefully moved into our house, and it’s been almost three days since Linus stopped speaking intelligible English sentences!

Linus: Fleet commanding, cactus sucking, demon squirrel! Flibbery Gibbit! (Screams.)

Malex: Quiet, you! You’ll give away our position!

Snufflefungus: I wish I could have my closet back… My closet is comfortable.

Malex: It’s okay Snufflefungus, whenever Little Red Riding Squirrel leaves we can sanitize the house by fire and life can return to normal!

~~ Closet door opens.

Linus: (Yells, gargling slightly.)

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Where do you keep the maple syrup?

Malex: Not here. Go away.

Snufflefungus: Yes, please go away…

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay, I’ll be back in a moment!

Snufflefungus: Don’t hurry on our account!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh, you furry beast, don’t worry, I will! (Closes the door.)

Linus: (Whimpers a bit.) Opossum… Opossum…

Malex: What are you talking about?

Snufflefungus: I don’t think he knows. He’s just too terrified.

Malex: Well, at least things could be worse.

Snufflefungus: Really?

Malex: Yeah, I mean… This closet could be a lot more cramped. Besides, it’s a great time for us guys to bond! Think of it like camping! We’re roughing it!

Snufflefungus: I don’t know… I’m not convinced.

Malex: What, are you saying it can’t get any worse?

Snufflefungus: Yeah, I just don’t think it can get any worse.

Malex: Do you have any idea how dangerous that statement is?

Snufflefungus: No…

Little Red Riding Squirrel: (Opens door.) Hey guys! Breakfast is ready – Opossum-Meat Pancakes! My own mamma’s recipe!

Snufflefungus: Malex, I’d just like to take this opportunity to apologize for saying that things couldn’t get any worse. I seem to have invoked some sort of reactionary cosmic mechanism.

Malex: It’s quite alright, Snufflefungus. I think it’s time for me to invoke a special mechanism of my own.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Are you guys coming to breakfast? It’s getting cold…

Linus: Flapjacks, you! Floppy flap-jack! Jack, you! Jack!

Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, go away! We’ll be out in a few minutes!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay, but if you’re not out here in five minutes, I’m’a comin’ in after you! (Closes door.)

Snufflefungus: Malex, what are you planning?

Malex: I picked this closet for a reason! It’s where I hid my Emergency Icepunk Button!

Snufflefungus: What? An Emergency Icepick Button?

Malex: No, Icepunk! He was my roommate for a long time a couple of years back.

Snufflefungus: So?

Malex: Well, Icepunk and I went on all sorts of adventures – not the least of which was getting kidnapped by evil aliens and thwarting their plans to invade Earth.

Snufflefungus: I’m still not sure I see how this is relevant.

Malex: Well Icepunk has been away for a long time, but before he left he gave me this emergency button to use in case I ever needed his help.

Snufflefungus: It’s all dusty.

Malex: I’ve always been too terrified to press it.

Snufflefungus: Why does it have a skull and crossbones on it?

Malex: Let’s just say this: Once upon a time, Icepunk challenged an evil alien tyrant to a duel. This tyrant had never lost to anyone, but Icepunk’s reputation preceded him. So, the tyrant declined to duel, saying he had an acute bout of “I like living.” He was promptly overthrown, and peace returned to the land.

Snufflefungus: Wow.

Malex: And frogs. Those returned to the land too… But that’s another story.

Snufflefungus: So are you going to press it already?

Malex: Uh… I think I already did… It was kind of an accident.

Snufflefungus: Really?

Malex: Lemme try again. I expected more sirens. Or the sound of falling buildings.

Icepunk: (Opens door.) There you are…

Malex: Yo.

Linus: Icepunk! Now we’re doomed!

Snufflefungus: Hey, Linus spoke a real sentence! I’m Snufflefungus by the way, pleased to meet you Icepunk!

Icepunk: Malex, did you press the Emergency Icepunk Button?

Malex: Uh, yeah. I did.

Icepunk: Dude, how many times did you push it?

Malex: I don’t know, a lot? Why?

Icepunk: ’Cause every time you press it it shocks me in the–

Malex: Whoa okay! That’s grand. So anyway, you got here quick…

Icepunk: Well yeah, you were shocking me.

Malex: Yeah… I guess I was.

Icepunk: What are you doing in this closet? And why are you hanging out with a fuzzball?

Malex: Oh, Snufflefungus? Well, he sort of… arrived. It’s a long story.

Linus: Opossum Pancakes…

Malex: Oh right! Little Red Riding Squirrel has been living here now for a whole week, and he’s been trying to force us to eat Opossum Meat Pancakes.

Icepunk: What? Come again?

Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel.

Icepunk: You’re kidding, right?

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Do I hear somebody new? Am I going to have to cook more pancakes?!

Icepunk: Arrgh! What in the name of all that is holy is that thing doing here? How is it even real?!

Malex: Funny, that’s what I said. (In Episode 005. ——Alex)

Little Red Riding Squirrel: I am real, and I’m really me!

Malex: Shut up you.

Snufflefungus: Mister Punk, I know I’m just a fuzzball, but Little Red Riding Squirrel brings so much pain… Can you help us get rid of him?

Icepunk: Well, furry abomination, I normally don’t help creatures like you out of principle. But today, Little Red Riding Squirrel will taste the wrath of my new toy!

Malex: I hope you brought something really deadly…

Icepunk: Well, I didn’t really have time to grab any guns, ’cause, you know, the whole ‘shocking’ thing.

Malex: Okay, so what did you bring?

Icepunk: I brought a Nuclear Sheep of Doom!

Sheep: Baa!

Snufflefungus: Nifty!

Icepunk: Isn’t it? There’s this new guy at the underground arms dealer place I go. He’s named Jeffrey, and his stuff totally represents the cutting edge in sheep-related warfare.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: So why is it glowing?

Icepunk: Because it’s, you know, nuclear.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Oh, right. Does that mean it’s getting ready to explode?

Sheep: Baa!

Icepunk: Yup.

Malex: Icepunk, you know, nuclear explosions are usually really big.

Icepunk: Well, excuse me for not thinking this whole thing out much past the whole ‘shocking’ thing!

Linus: Doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed!

Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it looks like the Malex Minute is over for today. Hope we’re still alive next week!

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Wait, does this mean we won’t be eating my pancakes? My delicious, delicious pancakes?

Sheep: Baa– (Explodes.)

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers, with a guest appearance by John Morgan as Icepunk.

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.